forum I'll do critiques
Started by @Snowmirror
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@Snowmirror

Usually I run critiques over at the character section, but that gets overwhelming really quickly just because it's such a popular place. So hopefully it'll be… chiller here so I don't get burned out. I will critique:
Characters

  • Only send me one character at a time and not back to back. Also, give me a tiny paragraph (like a few sentences) of how you perceive/would describe your character. That way, after reading their profile, I can tell you if your character comes off completely different from what you thought they would. Make sure they're public!

Scenes

  • No longer than three paragraphs, please! I'll keep an eye out for grammar, continuity, show don't tell and the likes. I'm better at characters, but I'll do my best with scenes as well.

Plots

  • Give me a quick run down of a plot and I'll give feedback! Less of a critique, to be honest, but I'll be your soundboard if you need it.

Please, only send one of the three at a time so that it's easier. I'm hoping a lower traffic area like this one will allow me to critique for longer!

@WriteOutofTime

Could you critique one of my antagonists, Enzo? Enzo Ramirez
Brief description: Enzo is entirely a man of duty. He puts his responsibilities first, always. He promised his sister two things: that he'd further her cause and liberate the North, and that he'd protect and love his nephew Javi. Outside of his duties, he is focused and passionate. He is a brilliant speaker and a people person, although sometimes he feels that some people perceive him as intimidating because of his scar and his facial tics. He makes people feel responsible for their actions by treating them with respect. He is also a man of pride, and values his image.

@Snowmirror

@"CW-Write Like You're Running Out Of Time" Sure thing! I think I might have critiqued him before…? He seems really familiar haha

  • I like his clean cut motivation a lot! It's always great to have a villain who is easy to understand so that readers won't flounder about, wondering what they really want. In his quest to 'free everyone' you put that he would basically do it even if it leads to a lot of death. If this is so, then how does he maintain the reputation he's so obsessed with? In an effort to keep up appearances, does he tamper down this borderline crazy mindset so people around him will trust him?
  • He's charismatic, but I think I would like to see more positive attributes that can make him likable. I know he's the antagonist, but it adds some extra depth if there is more to his positive traits. Outside of being charismatic, why would people like him? Some people don't like charismatic people, so maybe things like his dedication and determination also cause inspiration? Maybe some down to earth hobbies besides writing his speeches can humanize him more, too. Obviously, he doesn't see himself as the villain, so if he did things that showed he carries out a normal life would help humanize him more. Does anyone notice him neglecting his nephew for his ambitions? Is this something he tries to hide to keep up his reputation?
  • Is there a particular political system he would vouch for, if he could name it? Like, would he still support a capitalist system (if that's what his current system runs on) or would it be something else? He's a really well written character, so the critique is a bit short! But I definitely find him to be intriguing and well thought out u_u

@ninja_violinist

Hey if you have time I'd really appreciate a critique of this guy: King Naumir (it's a lot though, so I don't blame you if you decide not to sludge through all of that)
King Naumir is the semi-antagonist of the story - he's the problem that the main characters are trying to overcome, but what makes this difficult is that he's not that bad of a person. His ideals and personal morality (and unyielding stubborn faith that he's right and that he's doing the right thing) make him a weak ruler who is slowly ruining his country. People who know him personally can't help but respect his even temper and firm polite manner, but his subjects and enemies view him as soft, weak, and ruinous.

Livvy55

Ik this is a bit random but do u think this is decent?
"Hi, I'm Newt Scamander." I glanced up to see a thin, freckled man with bright eyes that were fixed on an object just past me, reminding me of a child that had been caught trying to stroke the animals in a zoo, next to a sign that stated 'Do not touch me I bite.' "Have you, urm seen a woman this tall," he held his hand just above his shoulder. The rest of the description descended into mumbles, though I was sure I heard 'salamander eyes' tumble out of his mouth several times. "I think I have a picture of her somewhere." His stick-like fingers started delving into his pockets. Out of one came a creature that looked like a mole but I could somehow tell that it something else entirely. A stick with a handle. A glass ball that had red clouds floating in it. A bunch of keys. Then finally be produced a carefully folded picture, that looked as though it had been taken out of a newspaper. It smiled. The woman in the picture smiled. Before I could look closer he was tucking it back into his pocket. "I'm sorry, I haven't." I said and tears welled up in his eyes. " B-but I could help you look. " I said.

"Are you sure?" He fiddled with the corner of his coat. I nod and smile. "Of course

@WriteOutofTime

@"CW-Write Like You're Running Out Of Time" Sure thing! I think I might have critiqued him before…? He seems really familiar haha

  • I like his clean cut motivation a lot! It's always great to have a villain who is easy to understand so that readers won't flounder about, wondering what they really want. In his quest to 'free everyone' you put that he would basically do it even if it leads to a lot of death. If this is so, then how does he maintain the reputation he's so obsessed with? In an effort to keep up appearances, does he tamper down this borderline crazy mindset so people around him will trust him?
  • He's charismatic, but I think I would like to see more positive attributes that can make him likable. I know he's the antagonist, but it adds some extra depth if there is more to his positive traits. Outside of being charismatic, why would people like him? Some people don't like charismatic people, so maybe things like his dedication and determination also cause inspiration? Maybe some down to earth hobbies besides writing his speeches can humanize him more, too. Obviously, he doesn't see himself as the villain, so if he did things that showed he carries out a normal life would help humanize him more. Does anyone notice him neglecting his nephew for his ambitions? Is this something he tries to hide to keep up his reputation?
  • Is there a particular political system he would vouch for, if he could name it? Like, would he still support a capitalist system (if that's what his current system runs on) or would it be something else? He's a really well written character, so the critique is a bit short! But I definitely find him to be intriguing and well thought out u_u

Thank you!! You probably did critique him before…I knew you had critiqued a few of my characters, but I couldn't remember which ones. Oops. Your critique is still extremely helpful!

@Kaloobia

Wow I just keep finding you! :-) Is it alright if I give you another one of mine? I don't believe you've critiqued him before: Gabriel Brewer
This is Gabriel, or YAMS. You will find him most days chain-smoking outside OR inside, usually at night, usually alone. That being said he doesn't do well alone, but he's offensive and dirty-mouthed and obnoxious, and thus has trouble keeping people around. His closest confidant is his manager at this point haha, who is contractually obligated to put up with him. All he seems to care about is his music and his mom, but almost no one knows about the latter because he has almost no one to talk to about her. Anyways he's problematic but funny sometimes??? And needs help.
Thanks in advance!

@Snowmirror

Sorry I'm taking so long everyone, I think I've injured my arm and because of it typing is very hard T_T but I'll get to everyone as soon as I can!!

@Snowmirror

@ninja_violinist I'd never skip! I'm just sorry it took so long to get back into this haha but finally here I am!

  • The placeholder for the universe name is a whole ass mood my pal lmao. I really, really like this bit of worldbuilding with the facial hair! It's things like this that we don't often think of but do a great job in building the feeling that the world could be real. All the detail with his appearance and tie ins to his culture's climate is super neat and I love it. Very well done!
  • The 'he blew up at his father once' thing can probably be reserved for something in history. It's kind of confusing just sitting in mannerisms. But! I like the way you describe things in each section – it kind of feels like a mini story in each, if that makes sense. Much better than a list or the likes. So for motivations, I'll assume that little tidbit about wanting Shura to have his worldview will come into play in the story. Make sure to play something like this up; I think it's a trait a lot of parents can relate to and makes him relatable while also creating inner conflict for the characters.
  • His flaws are all good, too! I have a feeling I'll have more compliments for this guy than critiques haha, he's very well done. You could expand more on his prejudice of commoners. Would his actions as perfect-dad-not-so-perfect-king and this worldview lead to things like minor revolutions or a bereft feeling among the people? Is his charisma and persuasiveness more effective on the elite classes versus the lower class?
  • His love for his son is so pure I could cry ;_; He's idealistic and cautious, a quite interesting combination of traits, but I think that even if they sound weird listed together you could find a way to make them work in writing. I like the addition of the morality section and nothing conflicts there!
  • So his belief that he was chosen by Life to rule is basically divine right, correct? Is it something only he believes, or does the concept of divine right exist among his people, whether they be lower or higher class? On politics, does he have opinions on anyone who would want a more democratic system or a fascist one? Does he think anyone deserves a say outside of himself?
  • All of his background stuff is just got me like ;0; I reeeeeally like him if that isn't obvious enough lol I'm a big sucker for dads who think they're doing the right thing and when characters shining traits become their downfall. He's like 100% my kinda guy. He's well developed so as you can see there were few things to critique here. Make his story shine!!

@Snowmirror

@Livvy55 Yeah I can check this over! I'm gonna put my corrections in parenthesis and my thoughts at the end, tell me if that seems organized enough for you ^.^

"Hi, I'm Newt Scamander." I glanced up to see a thin, freckled man with bright eyes that were fixed on an object just past me, reminding me of a child that had been caught trying to stroke the animals in a zoo, next to a sign that stated 'Do not touch me I bite.' "Have you, urm(you can put a coma after this) seen a woman this tall,"(get rid of the coma here for a period, capitalize the next word) he held his hand just above his shoulder. The rest of the description descended into mumbles, though I was sure I heard 'salamander eyes' tumble out of his mouth several times. "I think I have a picture of her somewhere." His stick-like fingers started delving into his pockets. Out of one came a creature that looked like a mole but I could somehow tell that it something else entirely. A stick with a handle. A glass ball that had red clouds floating in it. A bunch of keys. Then finally be produced a carefully folded picture, that looked as though it had been taken out of a newspaper. It smiled. The woman in the picture smiled. (obviously I don't know a lot of the context but are these things that would surprise the narrator? Is there a reason he's so clumsy?)Before I could look closer he was tucking it back into his pocket. "I'm sorry, I haven't." I said and tears welled up in his eyes. " B-but I could help you look. " I said.

"Are you sure?" He fiddled with the corner of his coat. I nod and smile. "Of course

I just gave some basic corrections, I couldn't tell you much about characterization and such. Like, I have no idea what the narrator is like from a scene like this or their gender or what, and because I'm a huge hater of Harry Potter, I'm very out of the element when it comes to the new movies featuring Newt. I think this scene is fine, if a bit rambly and expository. It doesn't work as the first paragraph of a work, so hopefully it isn't, but other than that I think it suits its purpose well enough.

@Snowmirror

@Kaloobia My critiques pop up at least once a month lol but I'm always happy to see familiar faces!

  • So is YAMS pronounced by letter, like Y-A-M-S or is it like, like a yam, like the food. Like he's got a buncha yams. Just curious lol
  • His eyes are light blue if you squint? What are they when you don't squint? Generally, light eye colors are hard to mistake for anything other than what they really are. Brown eyes can be easy to mistake for black, but I feel like most people can identify light blue eyes from far away because of how they contrast. Under mannerisms, are there any other physical things he does? Repeating phrases is pretty interesting though, I don't think I've seen that one before.
  • With motivations, I know that a lot of people in the real world may not know what motivates them, but is there something more concrete that motivates him? What gets him moving the story forward besides hoping his mother will be okay? What keeps him engaging with the plot of the story, if there is one? Or is his development tied with finding a proper motivation, since it seems he is spiraling into a very poor lifestyle?
  • What does that quote mean under prejudice? Like I get it, but is his prejudice that he believes nothing can change? Does he have prejudices of certain people or groups or backgrounds? Does that change the way he interacts with them? Does he care or notice if he has prejudices?
  • Aw, I love that he is a fan of old cinema! It gives him an extra bit of personality, something outside of being sad and angsty, and the rest of his hobbies help to humanize him as well. I would expand a bit more in personality, just any other trait that shines through other than a man who is clearly hurting. Is there a certain type of person he is more likely to open up to, a certain type of person he's more likely to fight with? Does he like having friendships?
  • His background definitely shapes who he is as a character now, no contradictions there! Last question, besides his drug abuse, is there anything else that marks him as a controversial rapper? A lot of rap music hangs around ideas of drugs and abuse, so why does he in particular get labeled as controversial? He's very interesting, so keep up the good work!

@Kaloobia

  • I actually imagine it pronounced like yams, the food haha. It rolls off the tongue easily and if you ask me, isn't much more ridiculous than a lot of rapper aliases I've come by.
  • Ooh okay, here's an excerpt from WebMD: "Most people with ocular albinism have blue eyes. But the blood vessels inside can show through the colored part (the iris), and the eyes can look pink or red." And this is from the Mayo Clinic: "The lack of pigment in the colored part of the eyes (irises) makes the irises somewhat translucent. This means that the irises can't completely block light from entering the eye. Because of this, very light-colored eyes may appear red in some lighting." The misconception of people with albinism having red eyes comes from this, and I wanted to show that sometimes, when you look into Gabriel's face you will see them as pink, but they are in fact light blue. Sorry if that isn't clear, I might remove the "if you squint" part.
  • I can definitely add more mannerisms!
  • Somewhere down there he's looking for reasons to stay alive, yeah, I guess I can't just have it hanging off "waiting for mom to get out of jail". I'll work on that.
  • Will think harder about the prejudices, and will add personality as well.
  • Ooh I feel stupid for not including it explicitly haha, yeah he definitely has some scandals, violent outbursts on-camera, etc.
    Thank you so much! As always you're a big help :)

@Friendlyglittery7 group

Hello! Would you mind if you review my character, Indigo? Indigo
I'd describe him as an anthropmorphic wolf animal (They're called alillians in my story) who has a prejudice against humans due to his past getting abused by humans. He is mentally unstable and runs a terrorist organization.

I haven't finished filling out and developing the entirety of Indigo so just to let you know, he's doesn't revolve primarily on "Being an misanthropic terrorist" And sorry if the descriptions are repetitive. ):
Anyways, thanks for taking your time to read this!

@Snowmirror

@Friendlyglittery7 Sure thing!

  • Before I really begin, I have a bit of a suggestion. "Alillians" is quite the word, and honestly, a total eyesore. For readers, a word with too many i's and l's smashed together will instantly draw them out of the text, not to mention how it sounds when you try to pronounce it out loud. I don't know if it's derived from something or a real word (it sounds like alien and animal mashed together to me) but it's just a bit too much. I would change it to something that sounds and looks more natural so it doesn't disengage from the text around it. ((While I was reading the profile, you kept flopping between using one L or two L's in this word, so that might be another indicator to change it))
  • Weight and height are really weird descriptors, too. You said above that he's an anthropomorphic wolf animal, so why is he being measured in tigers? Also, tigers aren't a measurement to begin with. Just like humans, tigers can be runts or they can be brutes, they are male or female, and all these things will give various heights and weights. There isn't even an average, just a general range, when it comes to these. You should probably look up accurate height and weight, especially since this is a fantasy race and not a human, who we generally have a good idea about physically.
  • Muscularly thick? Is there a certain area where muscle is concentrated? Arms? Legs? If he's a weird animal hybrid, how exactly does muscle collect on him? I'd put more specifics here. Since he has fur, the scars that are listed probably wouldn't be very visible. My cat has a bunch of scars from being a stray but you wouldn't notice unless you push back the fur that overlaps it. Fur is very, very good at hiding scars, actually, even in thin areas.
  • "Vandalizing homes with SJW messages" What???? This totally through me out of the profile! I assumed this didn't take place on our planet, ergo it wouldn't have the linguistics that became popular in the last 5+ years. If you're working an entirely new world from scratch you can't have things like SJW be present in the text because SJWs are specifically linked with American liberals as named by American conservatives. Again, that's not even a planet Earth thing, it's just kind of an American internet user thing. Even using it in shorthand for a profile can be unhelpful down the line with actual writing.
  • Maybe find synonyms for flowery language? Language is subjective, too. What might be flowery to you could be casual to someone else.
  • Saying in his flaws that he's more complex than his misanthropy is a bit of a telling and not a showing. Since I'm critiquing, I need a lot more details on his flaws. And not all of his flaws have to do with hating humans! There can just be other little ones tossed in that would lead to this complexity in the first place.
  • Yes, disliking religions is a prejudice. It's his preconceived notion of them before really researching them, right? Then it's a prejudice.
  • His personality definitely helps show a bit of that complexity and clears things up. But under morals, the first line is that he unconditionally hates humans for no reason. No reason? His entire backstory is a very, very good reason, if you ask me. Hell, most people in the real world don't need much of a motivator to hate humans. I don't like humans and they've never done anything to me! I think this line is a bit of a discredit to his character.
  • In the religion section, you could expand on his opinions of other religions, too. For politics, what sort of system does he support? Democratic republic? Capitalism, socialism, etc.?
  • In the backstory, just say he became Ivory's dad. It doesn't matter that they aren't blood related. He basically is his dad, not his 'not-a-dad, dad'. In the notes section, you mention he lied to Ivory about not being his dad. I'm gonna assume this is supposed to be a big painful twist for Ivory when he finds out, but like… does it matter if they're not blood related? I'm personally not a fan of blood relations being held on a golden pedestal. I don't see how this would severely affect the two if they cared for each other.
  • I'm seeing a bit of a problem in what your story might entail, actually. Sooo he's violently opposing a group of people that, currently, enslave his kind and use them for horrible things. But his violence is bad because 'violence is evil'. Look, violence IS bad, definitely! But violence is NOT bad when it comes to actual slavers. You wouldn't stand in pre-Civil War times and tell slaves that they can only solve it through nonviolence. The Civil War, all that death, had to happen because it is so damn hard to convince people that lives other than their own matter. There is no pacifism, no reasoning. In modern day America, we don't have slavery. We have discrimination and racism, yes, but nothing is on the level it was centuries ago. So we can afford to have conversations and say violence is bad, and if his world was taking place in one where his people weren't enslaved, then it's easy to see why he's a bad guy for inciting violence. But if his people are literally being used against their will in his modern day, then I'd reconsider him as a villain. Slavery is a pretty black and white issue, one of the few out there actually, and it is so morally reprehensible that any violence done to slavers is nothing but a good thing. I'd be extremely cautious in writing this character.
  • On a more character critiquing note, I feel like he lacks something to make him truly intriguing and thought provoking. The philosophy of violence, racism, pacifism, controlling government, all these things should be intriguing, but he feels like just a vehicle to get that point across the bridge. The bits about him liking poetry is nice, but there's not much saying if he has a good fatherly dynamic with Ivory or an elaboration on how he used to be shy and frail. Actually, the first critique I did for this thread has a really well done semi-antagonistic-also-a-father-figure that was done really well in my opinion, written by @"CW-Write Like You're Running Out Of Time" that's worth mentioning! I think Indigo's got potential, but there's more that can be done to flesh out his character. Good luck!

@Friendlyglittery7 group

@Snowmirror Thanks for the critique! I agree with some of your points like the ones about him being Ivory's non-biological dad, how I should expand on his opinions about other religions and make his political view more specific, that I should put in some extra flaws to make him more complex, etc.
I'd like to address a few of your points.

  • Indigo doesn't fully know what he's against. Some of the places he was after was actually open-minded about alillians. For the continent Indigo currently lives in, the government (specifically a one with more control) made it illegal for people to do brutal acts of discrimination such as enslaving and beating. The law applies to everybody. So if the high league government catches a religious subgovernment or a place allowing alillian slavery, they're gonna have issues. Even though, the continent still has high rates of alillian discrimination. That wouldn't make sense for Indigo to do his terrorist acts so I have to think of another idea. (I was thinking about secret anti-alillian towns!)
    For the continent he was born in, the community is more respectful but the country was in anarchy so brutal acts of discrimination were usually not taken into account. I find it odd that a continent in anarchy has less rates of alillian discrimination than the other continent so I'll also think about that.
    I'd say terrorizing innocent places would make him a villain. However, I think you might've missed one flaw where he goes after people who oppose him, including his former loved ones. His loved ones are protagonists and if he's going to mess with them, it would definitely make him an antagonist. His duality between them plays a bigger part in the story than his racism against humans. Sorry for not putting that in his profile.
  • Me saying Indigo hates humans for no reason was simply me goofing off. XD
  • I understand that he's a vehicle getting his philosophies across the bridge when trying to summarize his character profile. Again, I haven't fully developed him and finished writing down the things that would make him more intriguing. There are plenty of ideas in my head that were about him dealing with his former loved ones and friends rather than "Being an emo racist terrorista". Some of the ideas were canon! But, I never got around to writing them down. Now that I'm thinking about it, maybe I should!

Again, thank you for the critiques and I hope you have a nice day!

@Kaloobia

Hi, it's me again! :-) Danny Bell
Danny is a bit of a stereotype that I tried to work with, to put a spin on. He's your average hermit, doesn't have a lot of friends but keeps loved ones very close. Has an unhealthy aversion to conflict, and is leaving the acceptable age of early twenties where you still have an excuse to not work on improving yourself. Anyways he's,,,, trying, sort of, but it's very slow going, and not everybody has abandoned him yet so that must be a good sign?
Thanks in advance!

@SupernaturalSyGuyIsTIred group

“Today we are going to play full-court basketball, but first, your daily exercises.” She said. The class took to the walls, and did their stretches. One of Jason’s friends, Brandon Singer, took lead of the stretches that day. Brandon, like Jason, wore dark clothing. His dark brown hair looked black under the fluorescent lighting, and he was tall for his age.
“Left!” Brandon’s deep voice bellowed. Everyone started to swing their left leg as Bryan counted to twenty.
“Caterpillar, pushups, and situps.” Everyone took to the floor and stood bent over to touch the floor. Jason had recommended that they do their push ups while doing the caterpillar at the same time to Brandon, allowing him to take credit for the idea. They would do a pushup before going back to their bent over position.
“Alright, five minutes of running!” Misses Hert bellowed out. There was a collective groan from the students, yet they hobbled along into a jog. Misses Hert decided to join them during the five minutes of running. “Cry babies!” She yelled. Jason was running next to one of his friends, Addrea Toney, who he was attempting to touch. They both detested their gym class, and had come up with a way to make it somewhat enjoyable for them. They would play tag during the running time. Addrea had brown hair, and was shorter than Jason. She wore a white t-shirt and blue shorts. They decided to give themselves a rest from their running game, and slowed to a walk. Misses Hert passed them three times during their walk.
“Flayme, Toney, kick it in gear!” Misses Hert yelled. Addrea started to protest, but Misses Hert wouldn’t hear it.
“We might as well jog, so that she don’t yell at us again.” Jason suggested. Addrea thought this over and accepted. They both went into a light jog. Other people passed them, but Brandon decided to join them.
“How ya guys doing?” He asked.
“Alright, I guess.” Addrea responded.
“We’d be better off if Misses Nag would lay off of us.” Jason said. This had become a name for Misses Hert when she either wasn’t paying attention to them or nowhere around them. Misses Hert blew her whistle, and then everyone lined up against a wall. There were thirty students in that hour, so Misses Hert decided to evenly split them for sports games. Jason hated playing basketball and anything that wasn’t dodgeball or poison ball. He was great at those games, for he would trust his instincts and quickly move out of the balls’ way. He usually wound up being one of the last few still in the game if they were playing dodgeball.
“Sammy Wintergreen and Mary Mackay are the team leaders.” Misses Hert said. A boy and a girl walked out onto the gym floor in front of the rest of their classmates. The boy, Sammy, was muscular and one of the jocks. His blue eyes shined brightly against his tanned skin. Mary had hair that she had dyed dark red. She was a foot shorter than Jason was, whom stands at a height of six feet, seven inches.
“Misses Hert.” Sammy called out.
“Jessie McMair.” Mary said. Jessie had shoulder length dark blonde curly hair that tended to hang in her eyes.
“Jack.” This was the very same Jack that had been friends with Jason back in elementary. His hair is shorter than it was in the past, and he had started to wear fashionable clothing. In fact, he would help set the latest trends. He was on all the sports teams, and was lusted after by not only the girls, but some of the guys as well. He was one of the ‘popular kids’.
“Jane.” Jane, Jack’s twin, was the object of many a guy’s dreams, but was furiously watched over by her brother. As a result, the guys were scared to ask her out. Jack had his own, unspoken list of those that he’d let date her, and if they were to do anything to hurt her, there’d be hell to pay. Jack had become a bully to Jason. He’d call Jason a loser, fire starter, psycho, pyro, jailbait, and a slew of other things. Jack would also tell Jason that he’d never be good at anything, that he was stupid, and that he’d never have a girlfriend. All of these deeply angered Jason, but not as much as how gym class ever would.
“Katie.” Sammy called. Katie had long blonde hair, and beautiful brown eyes. She was one of the ‘in between kids’. The in between kids were those that had just enough friends to be between the losers and the populars. This was where Jason and most of his friends fit at on the social food chain of school life.
“Jessie Newkirk.” Mary said. A girl wearing jeans and a laced top over a blue shirt walked over. There were just four more people to choose from. Jason, Addrea, Brandon, and Alex McMair. Alex was a part of the so called ‘geek squad’ of the school. He had a kind soul, and loved anything that was otherworldly. Science fiction and fantasy were his expertise. He could often be found reading about supernatural beings, or even drawing them. His light hair fell over his eyes, and he wore an orange shirt with blue shorts and neon green shoes.
“Brandon.” Mary called after thinking it over for a while.
“Alex.” Sammy said. This left Jason and Addrea as the last two to be picked from. Unless they were the team leader, they’d usually end up being the last ones chosen for a team.
“Here we go again, Addie.” Jason said.
“Yeah. Remember, just care about your grades, nothing else.” Addrea told him. Jason nodded. They had preferred being on the same team, and would act like one during dodgeball, poison ball, or when they were in the weight room.
“Addrea.” Mary said after struggling with trying to decide. She wanted to go with what she knew, for she was one of the more competitive students in that class. While she knew that Jason was tall, and would be great for passing the ball, she also knew that Addrea would be able to weave through the other players unnoticed. This would allow Addrea to get to the hoop and score baskets. Jason knew immediately which team that he was on; Sammy’s.
The game began, and Jason had tried to get the ball in his possession several times. The other players on his team ignored him, even when he was completely open for a pass and basket. There were some on his team that would try to get him more involved in the game, but other players would get in the way.
“Jason, get your butt movin’! Play the game!” Misses Hert would occasionally blurt out.
“I am!” Jason would blurt back. This always happened when Misses Hert had them play a sports game. Jason started to get angry, and as the game progressed, he got even more angry. Misses Hert had repeated her ‘play the game’ mantra five times by then. Jason’s anger rose, and the basket ball burst.
“What the hell?” Jack said.
“What did you just say?” Misses Hert asked him as she went to grab a replacement ball.
“Nothing!” Jack said.
“Good, watch the language!” Misses Hert said as the game resumed.
After ten minutes of the usual, Jason gave up on trying to get the ball, and went to sit against one of the walls.
“Jason, what are you doing? Get out here and play the game!” Misses Hert said. Jason refused, and just stayed sitting where he was. He had placed himself next to one of the doors that led outside. The air coming through felt good against his hot skin.
“Jason, get out here and play the game!” Misses Hert repeated. This, along with other things, made Jason’s temper rise. He was angry with those that wouldn’t let him play the games. He was angry that Misses Hert wouldn’t listen to him. He was angry that despite the fact that he was passing the class, Misses Hert acted like he was failing. Some of the overhead fluorescent lights flickered, but nobody payed that any attention, for they would occasionally do that. As Jason’s anger rose, the replacement ball burst open.