@SupernaturalSyGuyIsTIred group
As it is a very rough draft, all the details are mainly there for my benefit. I plan on taking them out whenever I get around to the second draft. Thanks for the suggestions though, I appriciate it!
As it is a very rough draft, all the details are mainly there for my benefit. I plan on taking them out whenever I get around to the second draft. Thanks for the suggestions though, I appriciate it!
@kat people were telling me my language was too childish so i made it m ore mature and now its too mature i can't find a middle ground.
@Syguy20132
Sure, no problem!
@tori
Yeah, I can see how that would be confusing. Honestly, I guess the best advice I can give you is go find some little kids and listen to them talk. If you have younger siblings or know a friend who does, observe them. If not, just go to a playground. (Just don't be creepy lol.) That might help give you better perspective into your characters.
https://www.wattpad.com/myworks/124314500-shadow-storm
Feel free to take a look at and critique anything else that I have on wattpad! Enjoy! :-)
@Syguy20132
One major red flag: you shifted from past tense to present tense. Pick one tense and stick with it throughout. Also, you should use quotes for the dialogue.
It's an interesting premise, though. Good luck!
Hey! Could you critique my ending please?
(A little backstory: This story isn't focused on their romance, but it's the two main characters getting married. It's kind of based on a dystopian-futuristic theme. Hope you like it!)
Being married to Kev was amazing. Of course, we had to wait two years until he was sixteen, but still. It was amazing.
I wore a grey dress, the custom, with a long, beautiful train. The wedding was the same day as the coronation, which worked out pretty well for me. Kev was in a light blue suit. The same one he wore to that dreadful ball, actually. There was still splotches of blood that he refused to let me wash out. It was pretty funny, but an important part of our history. We would always remember the day that Kev killed almost everyone at the ball. We said our vows. I (of course) did minimal work and stuck with tradition.
Kev’s were beautiful.
“You are my best friend. And you are my everything. But there are so many other people in my life. Dalisay, Cooper. Benny, everyone at the village. I care so much about all of you.” He turned and looked at them in the crowd, “But if you were all about to die, I’d choose you. And that’s what I am doing. Choosing you. I will choose you in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, and in any version of reality. I’d find you and hold you, and never let go. And that’s what love means.”
Everyone in the room had tears in their eyes after that, including me.
We stayed married all throughout our lives, even though I was immortal. We had three children: Lenira, Cooper, and Krisha. Our life was perfect. But we knew that would end someday.
One day, Kev collapsed. We got him to bed, fed him some delicious homemade chicken casserole, and never left his side. We knew he was sick. We knew his days were limited. That’s why I wrote him a song.
On his last day, I gathered the children and grandchildren, and we sang together. We sang about his birth, how he was abandoned so early in his life. How we grew up together, always having each other’s back. How we went to the ball and killed Chief Lementoal, and how I found out I was immortal. How on our wedding day Kev fell into the cake and we had to steal Bonbons from the wedding across the path. How we were caught, and we were in jail for an hour until the couple felt sympathy about our situation and let us out, Kev still covered in cake. How we were excited when we found out that I was pregnant with our first child. How we were not excited when we found out that they were triplets. How we raised our children while ruling a country and managed to be the favored in every poll.
After we had finished the song, he was dead.
Kev was gone. And that was that.
The funeral was nationwide. Everyone missed their beloved ruler, but I missed him the most. The boy I had spent my whole life with was gone. I knew the day would come, but not so soon.
It had been 76 years since we got engaged. 74 since we were married. But since I was immortal, it had felt like a whiz. We didn’t have enough time together. We were supposed to rule together forever. But now I’m all alone, ruling alongside no one.
“Nonnie!” Egran ran into my arms, eager to see me. “Were you thinking about Grandpop again?”
“Yep, buddy. I was.” I smiled, but I would never really be happy again.
This is Lukas, He's not very developed
The following keyboard controls are supported across Notebook.ai. All keyboard controls are disabled when editing a document or notebook page.