forum I'll critique for you!

Started March 14, 2018 by Kat

tune

Hi! I'm willing to critique characters, scenes, ideas, literally anything. Hit me up!

aaaallllllllllllllllllllllrighty

I like it! One thing though, her history doesn't exactly match up with the rest of the categories? Like, immediately after her parents snap and kill her sister she kills them. So why does she 'wish for a god to save her from her family'? Before this incident her parents were very loving, and after it they were dead, so there was no one for her to be saved from. In this vein, if her parents were very loving, how did she form an 'instinctual distrust for parental figures'? They only snapped at the end, and she would've known that since her own parents were never malevolent (at least until then), that other adults wouldn't be either.

Also, you say she 'desires a galaxy free from the oppression of the Shinzen hierarchy.' What is that? What is Team Delta? Who are her allies that she would sacrifice for Jackson? Why is Angelica's goal to live happily ever after with Jackson and what does she do to achieve it? (The last one especially is super important.) I don't know if you explained these things elsewhere, but since they seem to be important towards Angelica's character, you should explain them here as well.

Don't take this the wrong way, but your plan is pretty disjointed; I think you should connect things more and provide a clearer picture of the character. Otherwise, the premise is pretty interesting and you could really build a fascinating world!

I hope this helped! Good luck!

Critique my character? Tasper Heol

Can you possibly do these two?

@writelikeyourerunningoutoftime

The premise is really interesting! I love dragons so I'm already hooked, even though they're the bad guys here xD Maybe explain them more though. Where did they come from? Are they barbaric creatures that attack the humans for no reason? Or are they just trying to protect themselves? (Maybe the altercation between the dad and the dragon happened because the dragon thought the dad was trying to hurt him and his family?) In this vein, can dragons think? Do they have higher brain functions like humans, or are they just simple animals? Since dragons are an important part of your story, you should definitely flesh them out more, and maybe give them a reason for what they do. It'd be easier for the readers to relate to the dragons if they're being aggressive simply to prevent the humans from being aggressive towards them first. (You know, preventive war, best defense is a good offense, that kinda thing.) Then again, if dragons are simply mindless beasts, this would up the shock and fear factor, and even the helplessness of the humans, since there would be no chance for a peaceful resolution between the dragons and humans.

In addition, I think you should explain the history more. Why did they have to move underground? I'm assuming because of the dragons? But then why can they still grow crops and get goods from above ground? How are the crops kept out of harm from the dragons? Do the people ever try to take a stand against the dragons to reclaim their home?

Tasper himself is well developed, and his contradictory motivations make for a very interesting character. Well done!

Anyway, I hope this helped! Good luck!

@Celestial-B

First, let's start with Darya. The character and background is pretty interesting. Well done on taking the whole 'gods' trope and making it original!

What type of universe is this, though? Is it like ours, except with gods (that people may not even know about)? Are powers common there? If not, what would people make of a woman hovering around? Remember, humans fear what they don't understand, so even if some people would be like "Whoa, she can fly!" (me lol) the majority would probably be super scared and want her locked away or something.

In addition, as cool as her character is, her background is a little iffy. After she gets rejected by the fire god, she finds out that another god killed her brother? That's…convenient. Why would an almighty god bother with a 'puny fly' of a mortal? And what has she been doing since she was exiled? Has she isolated herself? Or, since you say she is super condescending when talking to others, who does she talk to? Most importantly, what is her plan of action to become caretaker of the ocean again?

Now, let's move on to Payton. One thing that I noticed is that except for that one small paragraph about his powers, everything seems to paint him as a typical high schooler. Can you explain more about how he got his powers? And more importantly, what connects him to Darya? Why does he have to fight her, and what propels him to do so? If I didn't know better, I would have assumed that Darya and Payton are from two different stories, since there's nothing that seems to connect them.

Sorry if I came off too harsh. Your ideas are really good, and your characters very well developed.

Good luck!

Haii I'm not sure if you've talked about mine before, but just in case, here they are

Thanks:)

Thanks!! In my universe, dragons are to humans as humans are to like…fish. Dragons are highly intelligent but give no thought to humans besides the thrill of the hunt. And they taste good, as creepy as that is. The whole thing is kind of meant to have Attack on Titan vibes –humanity coming to grips with being insignificant, as edgy as that sounds. Anyway, it's a classic safety vs freedom and free will vs determinism. Glad you like it!!

@MajimePlease

Hi! I don't have much to say about your characters; they're both interesting and unique and very well-developed. And the idea itself is also very cool. (Assassins? Sign me up! lol) One thing, though, maybe give a little more detail in their backstory. Like, what happened to turn Luciel from a boy in a loving, supportive family to the distrustful, cynical man that he is now? (Speaking of family, do they know that he is an assassin? How did/would they react?) And for Arabella, I didn't really understand her backstory. Her dad dies so she decides that people who don't appreciate life should die? How does that work? (I think this motivation is fine and definitely unique, I personally just don't get it.)

Sorry I didn't say much, or rather, good job since this just shows how well you've developed these characters so that I couldn't say anything about them!

Good luck moving forward!

@writelikeyourerunningoutoftime

I just checked your universe, and I realized that a lot of the questions I'd asked you'd already addressed there. So that's my bad lol.

But yeah, definitely very cool concept. I'd love to see more of it if you're willing!

Thank you:) I definitely have to work more on both of their backgrounds, I just would add so much information it would turn into a book itself. About Arabella, it wasn't just her father's death that made her the way she is now, his death was more like the trigger, the last straw. She just doesn't understand how there can be people that don't appreciate life and waste space and air, while good people die (ok I just want to say I do not agree with her ideals, but she thinks she's doing the right thing). I'm glad you liked them!

@MajimePlease

No problem! If you don't mind, I'd love to see more of your story and characters!

Can you critique my character?

@Vhips

Sure! Alexa seems pretty interesting, though I admit I'm pretty confused about her world. Is it the same as ours, except with hunters? And speaking of, what are the hunters? What do they 'hunt'; in other words, what is their purpose? Where do they come from? Are they commonplace, and everyone in the world knows about them? Are they revered? Feared? If Alexa's mom was a hunter, why doesn't Alexa know anything about 'that world'? Was her mom hiding the fact that she was a hunter? If so, why?

You say Alexa's motivation is to find the people who murdered her parents, but you mention nothing about her father's death. What happened to him? And how did he treat Alexa? 'A chore' is pretty vague. Did he abuse her? Or was it just neglect?

And I'm sure you've put a lot of thought into the fifteen years in the middle, and the loved one that dies, and the boy that she has to trust, but since you haven't explained anything here I'm in the dark and can't give helpful feedback about them.

Anyway, I hope this helped! Good luck!

@tori

Hey, sorry, but for some reason I can't seem to open those links? Can you try again?

ayo!! I got a scene if you'd like to read it! (backstory: the Turnstike family are all vampires and not actually related to each other. (except Mills and Wellie are twins) Milton has absolutely no idea. Also the day before Monty crashed the carriage and tried to walk six blocks in the blazing sun. He got three blocks and passed out for nine hours. Also Tucker is a notorious romancer, and they've got their eye on Milt, who is oblivious.)

Inside, the Turnstike house was darker than any house had a right to be in the middle of a sunny day in June. Milton put that up to Montague’s sunstroke adventure. As Tucker led him down the main hallway, he tried to look around to get more of a feeling for the place, but they were dragging him along too fast for him to see much of anything except the tan hand pulling him, its long, cool fingers wrapped around his wrist. He was beginning to wonder about the hand’s almost unsettling chill when they stopped. Abruptly. He was hard pressed not to walk straight into them, instead, just managing to stumble around them, emerging into a room filled with lamplight. At first glance, it seemed like it was filled with people as well, but as he straightened himself up and caught his breath a bit, he realized there were only four, and they were all staring at him. He had seen most of the faces out on the streets, but he didn’t know their names. Or, rather, he didn’t know who belonged to which name.

“Everyone, this is Milton Weatherby, local hero and expert wagoner! He’s here to fix the carriage and steal our hearts.”

Milton had a strong suspicion that they had winked, but he couldn’t be sure.

“Have you met everyone?” He shook his head. “Oh, well you’ve definitely got to then! There’s Montague.” They gestured to him, lounging on the sofa, looking supremely disdainful, not a hair out of place. “You can call him Monty; he’s the reason you’re here. I could kiss him for that, but I won’t. Here’s Skippy,” (a tall, dark-skinned, freckled man with rectangular glasses and a ponytail. He smiled when Milton looked, in an apologetic, reassuring way.) “he’s the most responsible of our lot. And then the twins! Mills and Wellie!” Tucker pointed to two near-identically pale, dark haired teenagers, one sitting not quite primly in a rocking chair, the other draped entirely across the top of the piano. (no easy feat, in hoopskirts) “They’re the oldest.”

“Jesus, Tuck, that’s no way to be polite!” said Mills, sitting upright. Milton couldn’t help but agree. Her dainty, buttoned boots landed on the keys and he and Wellie winced simultaneously.

“Um.. It’s nice to meet you all.”

Skippy rose to shake his hand. “Nice to meet you too. I’m sorry about Tucker. They’re not usually this much like that, I swear. I don’t know what’s gotten into them.”

Milton forced a smile. “Well, I should probably get to fixing that carriage. Do you think you could show me to it?”

He had been hoping Skippy would take him, since he seemed like the most trustworthy and least terrifying, but he did not. Instead, Tucker linked their arm with his, and led him off to the carriagehouse.

---

Skippy turned around. “So what did y’all think of this Mr. Weatherby?”

Wellie spoke up from his corner. “He seemed nice enough.”

“I’ll be damned if he lasts, though.” said Mills.

“Language, Mills. I’m just surprised Tucker hadn’t found him already. He lives what? Two, three blocks away?” Monty shrugged gracefully. “I don’t think he realizes what they’re up to.”

“Yeah, he didn’t seem like the sharpest knife in the drawer.”

“Oh, be nice, Mills. He was probably confused, is all. He just came to fix the carriage.” Wellie rolled his eyes just the slightest bit. Nobody noticed. “What did you think of him, Skip?”

“He seemed like too nice a fellow for Tucker’s usual taste, if I’m being honest.” Heads bobbed in agreement, and Skippy continued, “Isn’t that why they only went with Ada that once?”

“Goddamn, I forgot that that happened.”

“Mills!”

“I’m 546 years old, I can do what I want and you can shove it, Monty.”

“Make me.”

“You really want to go there?” Mills clambered down from the piano and hoisted her skirts.

“Eh, I’d have to get up. Not worth the effort.”

“Oh, lay off, both of you. Monty almost died yesterday, he’s not in any shape for fighting anyone.”

The pair actually listened to Skippy. (For once.) Mills fluffed her skirts and sat down on the piano bench. Monty leaned back in his spot, looking insufferably smug for one who’s done absolutely nothing.

“Honestly!”

@tori

You've put thought into your characters' timelines, but you should probably enhance your characters. What are their personalities like? What do they like to do? What do they want?

For Bethany, she was effectively abandoned by her mother, so how has that impacted her? (The impact from this would be lasting and have a direct and perhaps severe effect on her psyche, especially if she was young and maybe even blamed herself for it.) How did whatever disorder or addiction the mom had affect the family? Maybe it made her abusive? Neglectful? And for Kelli's mom (even though this probably isn't important, I'm just nitpicking), 47 is a little too old to have kids, as in it's very unlikely for a woman to naturally get pregnant at that age. So you should probably lower her age to somewhere in the 30s.

Also (again, just me nitpicking), Bethany and especially Kelli's hobby of collecting American Girl dolls doesn't seem very reasonable. Those are really expensive, and I don't think an orphan in a modest orphanage would be able to get access to them.

For your passage, there are a few grammatical errors, which you can fix later. A few things jumped out at me, though. For one, Bethany's voice is pretty mature. Remember, she's 10, and for the most part she's had (I'm assuming) a good childhood. And even though a few shitty things happened to her, she's still a child. There should still be some childish innocence and wonder. In addition, you do a lot of 'telling' instead of 'showing', which…don't do that. The Carter bullying her scene (which was completely out of the blue, by the way. Try to transition into that better), and then at the end when Kelli is called out of the room. Show these things happening, instead of just saying that they did. Her thoughts can also get a little repetitive, so maybe work on that as well.

Anyway, sorry if I seemed a little harsh. Just trying to help!
Good luck!

@calellory

First off, Tucker is hilarious! Do you have a reason for referring to him by 'they', though? It kind of threw me off and made me wonder if more than one person was winking, and then talking. And everyone else is referred to as 'he' or 'she'..?

In addition, Skippy's introduction doesn't have to be in parentheses. Maybe something like this: "…Here’s Skippy-" Skippy nodded towards a tall, dark-skinned, freckled man with rectangular glasses and a ponytail. When Milton looked at him, he smiled in an apologetic, reassuring way. “-he’s the most…" Speaking of parentheses, you don't really need them, like the 'in hoopskirts' at the beginning and 'for once' at the end. They kinda interrupt the story and distract the reader, and in my opinion you can do without them.

But other than that, I really liked your scene! The interaction between the vampires seemed totally familial and real, and provided exposition without seeming forced. And the grammar was mostly correct as well. Well done!

I hope this helped, and good luck moving forward!

@3abbie3

I really like your characters! Just some plot stuff that confused me, like the competitors, and the whole Outer God thing, but I'm sure you've worked that stuff out. Other than that, I honestly don't really have anything to say. Your characters are really well-developed and unique, and interesting as well.

Sorry I couldn't really help (though I guess that just means you did too good a job xD). Good luck!

(Also, dadliest of dads. LOL.)

Hey there, could you possibly critique this for me when you get the chance? https://syguy2013.deviantart.com/art/Moons-Prologue-A-Night-of-Doom-350557570

@Syguy20132

You seem to have a solid idea, but there are a few things that struck out at me. For one, I think there are too many details. It really takes away from the story for the reader to have to read the appearance of every character. You should take those descriptions out, and add the characters' appearances and names more naturally.

For example: 'The tallest of the three knights walked to the throne, his every step ringing with the solemnity that was present on his face. He lowered his dark eyes and knelt to the ground, the action causing his well-defined muscles to ripple. "Sire, I am sorry to inform you that Queen Ellen is dead."'

In my opinion, appearances aren't all that important in the scheme of things. It should be a side note, not the main discussion.

Ellen's walk is unnecessary as well. Her only purpose is to die, and the readers haven't gotten attached to her at all so having her die within the first two paragraphs is definitely off-putting. I think the king's conversation with his knights is enough to let the readers know that the queen is dead; we don't need to see it.

In addition, the pace is too fast. The king just lost his wife; focus more on the emotions he feels, the rage and the grief, the fear he feels for his newborn child. Also show his thought process in creating the curfew. Let the readers into his head.

I hope this helped! Good luck!