Deleted user
Oh my god I’m so sorry I’ve been gone so long I’m a terrible person. I promised to have this done within a day or two and it’s been eons. I don’t even have a proper excuse for myself. Please forgive me. Actually, you don’t even have to do that—just please don’t hunt me down and kill me. Without further ado, here are my comments/edits.
- “I tried my best to act like everything was normal. I went to work the next day and distracted myself with the endless stream of patients suffering from the brutal conditions of the third ring. Samantha usually spent her days looking after her mother and trying to study. I'd traded and bartered with different dealers on the street until I'd found a book written in the universal language. I'd been teaching her in the short hours before she went to sleep.” A lot of your sentences here start with “I”. Just a note.
- “No, I'll get it." I stood. "I know you were just trying to get out of studying." You were—past tense. Should be present tense. (You are/you’re).
- “I opened the door and found myself facing a man who must have been five years older than me. He was much taller though–about Fenin's hight. That wasn't the only thing that they shared. Both oozed intimidation. It was so tangible that I felt like if it had a color, I could see it floating in air around them.” I opened the door and found myself facing a man. He was much taller than me—about Fenin's hight. Height wasn't the only thing that they shared. Both oozed intimidation.
- “It was so tangible that I felt like if it had a color, I could see it floating in air around them.” Tangible means something that can be touched or felt (physically, not emotionally) whereas colour is a trait of something that can be seen.
- “This man smiled pleasantly enough, though he had a wide, flat face and a thick mustache–a caterpillar crawling across a lumpy, underdone pancake.” I love that description, it’s great XD
- "My name is Agent Morson. Can I come in? I have troubling news concerning you.”” "Yes. What can I do for you?"
"My name is Agent Morson. May I come in? I have some troubling news concerning you." - “Now, I'm not an idiot, despite what my brother might say.” This is a great line, I love it. It’s in present tense though and it should be in past tense.
- “I knew that this guy shouldn't come into my home, agent or not.” I knew I shouldn’t let this guy come into my home, agent or not.
- “His face switched from an expression of polite pleasantness to polite concern.” His expression switched from polite pleasantness to one of polite concern.
- “A man called Fenin has been looking for you. From what we know, he's a dangerous criminal and has the intention of killing you. Do you know him?" Okay two things here. One: I love the name Fenin. It’s great. Two: the agent is being very bunt. Maybe instead of “has the intention of killing you” he’d say something along the lines of “means to harm you”
- “Ignorance and misdirection were the ways to go with this one.” I fee like this line is unnecessary. I’d just let the scene play out rather than explaining her tactics—it’d seem more natural.
- “Well, sir, I don't know. I'm just a hospital nurse." The line “I’m just a hospital nurse” sounds very suspicious if you ask me XD. I’d take it out, and leave it as just the “Well, sir, I don’t know” (or maybe “I don’t know, sir” or “I can’t say I know, sir” etc).
- ““Thank you, sir." I smiled and waved him a cheerful good-evening-and-good-riddance.” That’s great XD
- ““No." I laughed.” Should be “No,” I laughed.
- “I peaked out a window to see if it was the detective again.” Peeked, not peaked.
- “Ignorance was my only weapon.” I’d either take this out or change it a bit. She’s not actually ignorant, and it’s not exactly a weapon. Maybe “feigning ignorance was my only chance” but then again, I don’t really think it needs to be said. Just let the scene play out.
- “”I told you before that I know nothing. Why don't you believe me?”” I’d tweak it a bit and say: “I told you before, I really don’t know anything.” I don’t think she’d really say “why don’t you believe me?” It feels a little too obvious and a bit desperate.
- “”No, I'm not," I lied through my teeth.” I like this. It’s funny. I might say: ““No, I’m not,” I said, lying through my teeth” instead though.
- “He punched me, the blow glancing off the bone above my eyes, smashing my brain around my skull.” By “the bone above my eyes” do you mean the brow bone? I might also say: “…knocking my brain around in my skull.”
- “With all the strength I had, I kicked right between his legs.” cheering tiny confetti explosion
- “I couldn't breath.” I couldn’t breathe.
- “Everything went very still and I started to fade from existence.” Everything went very still and my consciousness began to fade.
- “It was more like the unexpected of setting your head under a guillotine only to be ripped apart by wild tigers at the last second.” The part “it was more like the unexpected of” sounds of. Unexpectedness? Would that fix it?
- “I guess I was dead, or dying.” This is present tense but it should be past tense.
- “We can't go out the front," he said, opening the window. "We don't know if they're still watching." I’d say instead: “they might still be watching”
- ”Come on." His disembodied voice didn't echo from miles away, like I would have suspected. This description is a nice detail but it seems a little unrelated and it cuts off kind of abruptly without describing what his voice does sound like, if not that
- I took a huge breath and slid down into the abyss. I’d just say “the hole” or “the tunnel” or something rather than “the abyss”. Abyss makes it seem larger that it’s described as being.
- The sound of metal scrapping across flagstones caused me to open them again. Say I love the word flagstones it’s fantastic.
- We began to limp further into the damp darkness, Fenin supporting me on one side, the wall on the other. This sentence is the end of what I have—is it the end of the chapter? The end here feels a little abrupt. If it is the end of the chapter/section/part, I’d tweak it a bit. If not, you can just ignore this comment :)
I just want to say that your writing is marvellous. I love it. It’s lovely lovely very lovely. I know some readers don’t like things written in first person, but this is great.
The world you constructed is really cool. I find the concept of the runes fascinating and I’d love to know more about how their society functions. You said the runes are their source of power—are they their only source of power? Do they have electricity or wind or water power?
Another thing—Fenin and Camille. They’re giving off serious potential couple vibes. Are they going to be a thing?
@Poof
- “ Alexandra sat on the stoop, gazing out at the people passing by” this part gives me the image that she’s watching the people with her full attention, while this “She was scribbling feverishly into a notebook” gives me the impression that she’s giving her notebook her full attention.
- “Well, she can't stay in one place for long” couldn’t*
- “She didn't stop, and her friend came hours later. And when they did, this exchange took place:”
“She didn’t stop. Hours later, her friend came. When they finally arrived, this exchange took place:” - ““You know what?! You're useless! All you ever do is fucking write like the world will end tomorrow!”” I wouldn’t use double punctuation, “You know what?!”. I’d just change it to: “You know what?”
- “And so Alexander Hamilton, in the form of a scrawny fourteen year old named Alexandra Harrington, had yet another duel, in the form of a fist fight that can now be found on the internet over anger and a kicked notebook.” The “….a fist fight that can now be found….” Should be “….a fist fight that could* now be found….”
- “Then action. 2 hours.” Should be “Then action. Two hours.”
- “When did it become 2 a.m.?” should be “When had* it become 2:00 A.M.?”
- “AmIWrite?: Said the one that idolizes Joan of Arc, one of France's best and most well known warriors.” The “said the one who…” should be “says* the one who…”
- “Although, in this body, Shakespeare wrote their first musical.” You say “their first musical”. Who is “they”?
- “She quickly muted the Kik chat” why did she do it quickly? Using “quickly” makes it seem as though it was rushed or urgent, though in this scene there seems to be no reason for being rushed/urgent
- “Really, the school's rules said they should be off” what is “they”?
- “The smiled softly, already knowing the drill and taking a random offered card, looked at it, and slid it back randomly.” Lil typo “they* smiled softly…”
- “No, they were to…” lil typo “…they were too*”
- “She felt the effects.“ What do you mean by “effects”?
- “She blinked, trying to do the assignment.” What assignment? The last thing that was described was the teacher walking into the room. There’s a bit of a jump here that you might want to fix.
- “It seems Sigmund Freud has always been quite fixated on this.” Should be “It seemed* Sigmund Freud had* always been quite fixated on this.” What is “this”?
- “He knew it was most definitely not normal for anyone to wake up with an injury that happened in their dream, or getting injured in sleep at all (Except, he supposed, if you happened to sleepwalk, which he knew he didn’t).” The “except” at the beginning of the parenthesis should be lowercase.
Just something I noticed: All of your different POVs started with “(narrator) sat” except for John’s. “Alexandra sat on the stoop…” “Anne sat on her bed….” “Selena sat on the bench….” And then “John woke up”. Was this on purpose, for some kind of comparison/mirror kind of effect? Or was it accidental?
I also noticed a bit of inconsistency with Alexandra; first she was smirking as though intentionally provoking her friend and enjoying it, but then she glares at them coldly. There’s an abrupt change of attitude there.
Positive: Your descriptions are very solid, and they paint a good picture of characters and scenes.
Specific advice: pay close attention to consistency, so that your story flows nicely without any holes.
General advice: make sure to watch your tense (past tense/present tense). You’re actually pretty good about it, I only had to correct it in a few places. Keep up the good work :)
Again, I’m so sorry this is so incredibly inexcusably late. It’s been such a long time I’m ashamed of myself. Things happened and I forgot about it, and I completely dropped off Notebook (not that that makes it excusable). I’m probably just going to post this and then disappear again.
