forum I'll critique/Beta read your stories!

Started June 16, 2018 by Deleted user

tune

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I'd be happy to edit/critique your writing if you need it :)

Hey! I just wrote this thing, and it'd be awesome if you could look it over and give me some constructive criticism.

Kaleb wandered on the playground, alone. All the other kids had gone home for the day, but his mother was still at work, so he had to stay at school. The school’s playground was small, it only had a swing set, and a small jungle gym. Grabbing the bars of the jungle gym, Kaleb hoisted himself up, pulling with all of his feeble strength. Maybe if he did pull ups everyday, he wouldn’t be so skinny.
Pulling himself to the top of the bar, he sat on it. It was maybe 5 feet off the ground, but to him it felt like miles. The distance seemed to stretch the longer he stayed up there, and his heart beat faster and faster. Calming himself, and telling himself he was safe, he climbed down. He was scared of heights. Terrified of heights actually. Other kids his age were scaling the jungle gym like it was nothing, like they were weightless. Boy, Kaleb wished he was weightless, that he could do everything like they did. Kaleb closed his forest green eyes, he just wanted to be their friend. Why couldn’t he just make friends? Why was it so easy for everyone else?
With a sigh, Kaleb opened his eyes and looked down. Oh how he wished he had not looked down. He was floating. 3 feet off the ground, just floating there. Immediately, he panicked, letting out a shriek of fear and confusion. Suddenly he dropped back to the floor, and he slipped and fell on his back. Glancing around to see if anyone had noticed, he picked himself back up.
“What?” He asked aloud, confounded. Did he just hallucinate? Was he really just flying? These questions echoed loudly in his mind, but nothing was as loud as his own heartbeat. He was terrified of heights. There was only one way to find out if he really could float. Kaleb willed himself to do it again, wishing as hard as he could, even though in his heart he never wanted to do it again. Nothing happened. ‘I have to be brave,’ he thought. Kaleb pulled himself back up on top of the bar, balancing himself enough to stand. If he really did have some kind of ability and he wasn’t hallucinating, then he would catch himself right? ‘It’s only 5 feet down,’ he thought, gulping. He closed his eyes in fear, and pushed himself off of the bar. He didn’t hit the ground. Slowly opening his eyes, he looked down at his feet. His shoes were about a foot off the ground, but it felt like he was standing on solid ground. Letting out a nervous chuckle, he lifted his foot, and then attempted to put it down in the same spot. It worked! It really, really worked! He was floating! It wasn’t so scary, he wasn’t very high off the ground. He willed himself to walked on the ground again, and he did.
He jumped suddenly when he heard a honk from the parking lot. His mom was here to pick him up. Nervously, he wondered if she had seen what he was doing.

Hello there! I noticed a few minor things while a was reading through it, but overall, this is great! I definitely enjoyed reding it :)

1. Okay, so, in these two sentences you used a few too many commas: "All the other kids had gone home for the day, but his mother was still at work, so he had to stay at school. The school’s playground was small, it only had a swing set, and a small jungle gym." I'd take out both the comma after "but his mother was still at work" and "it had only a swing set".

2. In the next sentence, instead of saying "Kaleb hoisted himself up, pulling with all of his feeble strength" I might say "Kaleb hoisted himself up, using all of his strength" or "with all of his strength". I don't think you want to use "pulling" there because you use it again two sentences later, and you also mention "pull-ups" and it'd be a bit repetitive. I'd take out the "feeble" part because I'm not sure that exactly describes a young child? (Then again, that's just my opinion. Feel free to leave it in if you like it).

3. I really like the description of the height he's at, it's very well done. The thing about his heartbeat though, that seems a bit abrupt? Also, I'm a bit curious: if Kaleb is so afraid of heights and it's hard for him to get up on the jungle gym, why would he go up there in the first place? You might want to put more motive behind this.

4. Instead of "He was scared of heights" I might put "Kaleb was scared of heights". I think it'd give the statement a bit more punch.

5. I might also change "Terrified of heights, actually" into just "Terrified, actually". (But honestly that's so minor that if you like it the way it is you can just go ahead and leave it).

6. Now there's a lot packed into this part: "Other kids his age were scaling the jungle gym like it was nothing, like they were weightless. Boy, Kaleb wished he was weightless, that he could do everything like they did. Kaleb closed his forest green eyes, he just wanted to be their friend. Why couldn’t he just make friends? Why was it so easy for everyone else?"
   It starts off with the fear of heights, but then Kaleb wishes he could "do everything like they did", which implies that there's a lot more he's being held back from than just climbing the jungle gym. Then we get into Kaleb having trouble making friends. Why is this relevant? Is it related to his fear? It seems a bit like he's spiralling. It's kind of confusing, the way his thoughts jump around and introduce new, seemingly unconnected problems. Will these problems be explained and connected later in the story? Just some things to think about.
   I find the "like they were weightless" is a bit odd. If I were a young child, frustrated by my fear, I might think "like it was easy" or "like it was the easiest thing in the world".
   The "Boy Kaleb wished he were weightless" feels a bit informal to me? I don't know, it just doesn't quite seem to fit in with the tone of the writing style.
   I might break this sentence into two: "Kaleb closed his forest green eyes, (I'd break it in two here) he just wanted to be their friend".

7. "Oh how he wished he had not looked down" again has a sort of informal feeling to it. I'd suggest saying "Immediately he wished he hadn't" or something of the sort, but you use "immediately" later. I'd reword it, but I can't come up with anything off the top of my head. I'm sorry, this comment is pretty unhelpful XD

8. Okay, so Kaleb climbed down the jungle gym to the ground, he closed his eyes, and when he opened them he was floating? I don't know about you, but I like to think I'd notice if I was slowly floating up into the air. I might have him slip when he's coming down, and then not hit the ground. He'd open his eyes and find that he's floating. Shrugs it's just an idea, but I feel like having Kaleb just not notice that he's beginning to float off the ground makes him seem a bit unobservant or dim-witted.

9. "Immediately, he panicked, letting out a shriek of fear and confusion." I might change up the wording of this a bit. Having both fear and confusion makes it sound a bit clunky. Maybe "Immediately, he panicked, letting out a shriek of fear" or "Immediately, he panicked, shrieking" or "shrieking loudly".

10. "Suddenly he dropped back to the floor, and he slipped and fell on his back. Glancing around to see if anyone had noticed, he picked himself back up." Okay, so in the first sentence I feel like the description of the motion is too sudden and jerky. (I mean, I know it literally said "Suddenly he dropped back to the floor" but I might do it a bit differently). Maybe you could say something like "Suddenly, he dropped back to the ground" (because I'm guessing there's not floor in the playground. Maybe you want to use "gravel" or "wood chips" or "grass", I don't know). Then you could say something along the lines of "Stumbling, he fell and landed on his back." Maybe you could describe how the gravel/wood chips dug into his back, or how it winded him. The second sentence it pretty much perfect, except I feel like the phrase "Glancing around" is a bit to casual. Again, putting myself in his shoes, I think I'd be a bit frantic about it since I'd be more than a bit freaked out. Instead of "Glancing around", possibly "Whipping his head up/around" would work better? (The "Glancing around" thing is, again, very minor, so you can leave it as is if you like it).

11. Confounded is a great word. I commend you for using it. (Aside from that, though, each line of dialogue should have its own line, so I'd just bump the following paragraph down one).

12. "Did he just hallucinate? Was he really just flying?" You used "just" twice in a row, (which I'll admit bothers me a bit but only because I'm very nitpicky). I might say instead, "Did he hallucinate? He wasn't really flying just now, was he?" or something of the sort.

13. "These questions echoed loudly in his mind, but nothing was as loud as his own heartbeat. He was terrified of heights. There was only one way to find out if he really could float." I might reword the first sentence to something like "Questions echoes loudly in his mind, but even louder was his own heartbeat." Then I'd combine the next two sentences like so: "He was terrified of heights, but there was only one was to find out if he really could float."

14. "Kaleb willed himself to do it again, wishing as hard as he could, even though in his heart he never wanted to do it again." I might fiddle with the wording a bit, something like: "In his heart, Kaleb never wanted to do it again. Even so, he willed himself to float, wishing as hard as he could."

15. "If he really did have some kind of ability and he wasn’t hallucinating, then he would catch himself right?" I'd probably make this into something like "If he wasn't imagining things and he really did have some kind of ability, he would catch himself, right?" or "If he wasn't imagining things and he really did have some kind of ability, he would catch himself. Right?"

16. "‘It’s only 5 feet down,’ he thought, gulping. He closed his eyes in fear, and pushed himself off of the bar. He didn’t hit the ground. Slowly opening his eyes, he looked down at his feet. His shoes were about a foot off the ground, but it felt like he was standing on solid ground." Maybe instead: "'It's only a few feet down," he thought, gulping. Afraid, he closed his eyes and pushed himself off the bar. He didn't hit the ground. Slowly opening his eyes, he looked down at his feet. His shoes hovered about a foot off the ground, but it felt like he was standing on solid ground."

17. "Letting out a nervous chuckle, he lifted his foot, and then attempted to put it down in the same spot." In my opinion, the "attempted to put it down in the same spot" sounds a bit awkward. I might put something like "Letting out a nervous chuckle, he lifted his foot, and then set it down again."

18. "He willed himself to walked on the ground again, and he did." Okay, three things for this one:
    One, there's a typo—it should be "to walk on the ground again".
    Two, Kaleb already "willed himself" to do something earlier. I'd pick another word.
    Three: I might say instead, "He lowered himself down to the ground again." or "He willed himself down to the ground again." (Only don't use "willed").

19. "He jumped suddenly when he heard a honk from the parking lot." You already used "suddenly" earlier, so I'd either take it out, replace it with another word, or use something like this: "He nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard a honk from the parking lot."

20. I'd change all your numbers into words; (Turn "3 feet" —> "three feet", "5 feet" —> "five feet").

Alright, I think that's all I have to say. I really enjoyed reading and editing this, so thank you for sharing with me. If you are planning to turn this into a whole story, I'd love to read it when it's finished (or even before).

I have two apologies, though: number one, I'm sorry I used phrases like "I feel like", "I think", "maybe", and "I might" so much. I just really wanted to make it clear that the things I say are only my opinion and that you can choose whether or not to change things in your writing. Number two, I'm sorry if I seemed a bit harsh at times. I promise it wasn't intentional. I know I can be a bit blunt at times when editing things, so I'm sorry if I offended you at any point.

And with that, I shall bid you adieu. Happy writing! :)

@Francis would you be ok with reviewing an ongoing story? I have it on google docs.

@Demness Kneesocks sure! Do you want edits, or just general comments/opinions?

@Francis can it be both, please?

@Demoness Kneesocks sure thing :)

@Demoness Kneesocks I'm so sorry I haven't gotten to your story yet! I was in the last week of school and things were a bit hectic. I just finished the term today though, so I'm ready to tackle your story now :) Sorry for the wait!

@alice it´s fine, don´t worry about it. Your personal life always comes first :)

Could you critique this backstory to my main character for me? Here's the link; https://docs.google.com/document/d/1gCbrO_-ZUEnFnXXc8Tt077IBnMuocsQaxgoHFqQ_uTI/edit?usp=sharing

barabara The doc is set to "view only" so I can't leave comments on it. Would you prefer I leave them here instead?

You can leave your comments here. Thanks!

Hey, @alice :)
You still active here?

Yep! What's up?

(I feel really bad that I haven't gotten to Barbara's thing yet though….I got almost all of it done last night but then my wifi went off and all my edits were lost so I have to do it again. deep sigh)

Dude, I feel that! I was inactive on this website for nearly a month and a half during the last bit of school…oooops
Anyways, I was just curious if you would look at some stuff for me? I have an awesome beta reader already, but I'm unsure about this bit so I'm looking for another set of eyes :) It doesn't have to be super detailed so no stress there

warning, its about 3k words….soooo…

@TryToDoItWrite sure!

Hey Alice! I was wondering if you could read a story I'm writing, if you're not to busy?

@Poof sure thing!

I'll get to it as soon as I've finished these other two things XD I'll probably have it done by tomorrow night, the night after at the latest. I have art classes during the day this week.

Thank you so much! It's still kind of a work in progress, so it's a bit short.

Nice! Here it is, in all it's first draft glory:
WAIt: Bit o' background first:
This is like,,three or four chapters into the story. Camille is the narrator here. She's been promised by Fenin and his gang that they'd heal her friend from a terminal illness that she can't heal (shes a nurse). The Hawkers are the biggest, strongest gang who takes out all competition in the market. Speaking of, the market is runes. Runes are the source of power in this universe. The native people of Andere (that's both Camille and Fenin) have runes etched into their palms, called "natural runes". Through those runes, others can be energized. Runes can also be broken, by energy greater than that was put into it. Annnd, i think that's about it…other stuff will be a mystery to you whoops.
EDIT: This is kinda important. The Empire are the people who came in and conquered Andere and tried to take away all of the natives power by suppressing their natural runes and destroying the man made ones.

Camille is waiting for Fenin to arrive with a healing rune: Ready, Set, Go!

I tried my best to act like everything was normal. I went to work the next day and distracted myself with the endless stream of patients suffering from the brutal conditions of the third ring. Samantha usually spent her days looking after her mother and trying to study. I'd traded and bartered with different dealers on the street until I'd found a book written in the universal language. I'd been teaching her in the short hours before she went to sleep.

Not five minutes after I'd sat down to read with Sam that evening, I heard a knock at the door.

"I'll get it!" Sam jumped up.

"No, I'll get it." I stood. "I know you were just trying to get out of studying."

She crinkled her nose at me but didn't deny it.

The person knocked again, this time louder.

"I'm coming," I called. I opened the door and found myself facing a man who must have been five years older than me. He was much taller though–about Fenin's hight. That wasn't the only thing that they shared. Both oozed intimidation. It was so tangible that I felt like if it had a color, I could see it floating in air around them. The difference was that Fenin was blank faced. This man smiled pleasantly enough, though he had a wide, flat face and a thick mustache–a caterpillar crawling across a lumpy, underdone pancake.

"Hello," I said with a small smile in response to his.

"Are you Camille Duke?" He spoke around his smile.

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"My name is Agent Morson. Can I come in? I have troubling news concerning you."

Now, I'm not an idiot, despite what my brother might say. I knew that this guy shouldn't come into my home, agent or not.

"No, you better tell me out here. I have a ten-year-old girl that I've been tutoring inside."

His smile never moved. "Of course."

I stepped outside and got a proper look at the man. He was dressed in a clean black suit, showing that he was either rich or trying to become rich. His face switched from an expression of polite pleasantness to polite concern.

"A man called Fenin has been looking for you. From what we know, he's a dangerous criminal and has the intention of killing you. Do you know him?"

My heartbeat sped up. Ignorance and misdirection were the ways to go with this one. "No. Why would he be looking for me?"

"That's what we were hoping you'd be able to tell us."

"Well, sir, I don't know. I'm just a hospital nurse." I paused and made a show of looking around the second floor landing. "Who is "we"? I don't see anyone else."

He pulled a badge out of his jacket pocket. "I'm with the police, investigating organized crime."

The police. Oh runes. I let my true fear fuel my lie. "Organized crime? What kind of crime?"

"That's not at my liberty to disclose. The question remains: do you have any information for us?"

"No, sir. I'll let you know if I see anything, though."

"Hm." He narrowed his eyes at me. His mustache twitched. "I believe you are in danger, Camille Duke."

I laughed nervously. "In this day and age, sir, everyone is."

"That's true." His smile was back. "I'll leave you to your tutoring then. Be sure to come down to the station with any information you find."

"Thank you, sir." I smiled and waved him a cheerful good-evening-and-good-riddance.

As soon as he was walking down the stairs, I opened the door and locked it behind me.

"Who was that?" Samantha asked.

I sat next to her. "Door to door salesman wanting to sell me pots and pans that cook with zero heat."

She giggled. "Really?"

"Really. He was very serious about it too. He swore it worked."

"Did he show you?"

"No." I laughed. "I got rid of him."

"Not for long," Samantha said, opening her book again. "They always come back."

"I hope not," I said and meant it deeply.

I waited for Fenin.

On the second day, Emily's condition worsened further. She went into a state of comatose and I had to take the day off and stay home to take care of her. I left only to buy bread and make my usual deliveries.

"Help is coming," I told her, holding her frail hand. "Hang on."

On the evening of the third day, there was a knock on the door again. This time I didn't open the door directly. I peaked out a window to see if it was the detective again. If it was, I'd pretend I wasn't home.

It wasn't him, though. It was Fenin.

He was wearing the same kind of dark clothing he'd worn anytime I'd seen him, except this time a hood hid his face in shadow.

I opened the door and practically pulled him inside.

"Thank runes. She's getting worse and worse."

He flicked his hood off and looked around the apartment. Samantha sat on the floor, book in her lap, gaping at Fenin. I couldn't tell if it's because he was a random stranger in her home or if it was his face. Probably a little bit of both.

"Samantha, this is my friend, Fen–Fletcher." I rapidly switched names.

"Fen Fletcher?"

"Fletcher," he said.

"Hi, Fletcher." She grinned. "Are you courting Camille?"

"No." I suppressed a laugh, avoiding Fenin's eyes. "He's not. He's here to help your mom. This way." I led him to Emily's room. Sam trailed behind us, but I put a hand on her shoulder and said, "You shouldn't come in. Keep reading that chapter."

"How can I read right now?"

"I know, but please try."

She huffed and returned to the living area.

Emily's room was dark. Her shallow breathing was hardly audible. She had withered away into a wisp of her former self. I sat in my chair at her side, taking her hand once again.

"Help's here, Emily," I whispered to her. "Don't give up yet."

She muttered something and twitched a little. I looked up at Fenin. "Help her."

He nodded. "Go sit with Samantha."

I exited, and found Sam sitting on the kitchen floor, listening to our conversation.

"Come on. We need to give him space."

We plopped down on the bare couch in the living area, where we had spent so much time reading together. I picked the book up, but Sam wouldn't pay attention.

"What's he doing?" She asked.

"Helping."

"But how?"

"I'm not exactly sure." At least that was a half-truth.

About five minutes later, the door to Emily's room opened and Emily herself walked out.

"Mom!"

Samantha hurled herself out of her seat and in two leaps had thrown herself at her mother. The tiny woman let out her an "Oof," but other than that, caught her and stood firm. She had strength again.

"Emily." My voice broke. She smiled at me. It wasn't a shadow of one, or distorted by pain. It was the same smile she gave me the first day I knew her, when I thought I could heal her by myself. I hugged the two of them the best I could and in that briefest moment, everything was alright.

I could forgive myself for letting them take Joseph. I could forgive myself for letting them take mom.

Over Emily's shoulder, I smiled at Fenin. Perhaps I imagined it, but I caught a glimmer of a smile on his face. I noticed that overall, he looked tired. There were circles under his eyes that I didn't remember from when he came in.

Then a pounding on the door ruined everything. I pulled away from the hug and checked out the window again. I caught a flash of a mustache and black suit. My heart lurched unpleasantly.

"Oh runes."

"What?" Fenin asked sharply.

"Everybody back. It's a cop."

"Camille, what's going on? What's wrong with a cop?"

"I can't explain now. Please, just stay out of sight."

I looked significantly at Fenin. He seemed to understand.

The pounded on the door increased in intensity. "Camille Duke, are you home?"

I walked to the door, made sure everyone was back into Emily's room, then opened the door.

"Hello, sir." I attempted to keep my voice light and respectful. That was, granted, rather difficult. I probably landed somewhere closer to suspicious and fearful.

Agent Morson didn't ask me if he could come in. As soon as the door was open, he forced his way in, looking around the room.

"Where is he?"

"Who?"

"A man entered this house less than ten minutes ago. Where is he?"

He started to head to a back room, but I stepped in front of him.

"Sir, I'm afraid I've been alone all day."

He brushed past me.

"I watched him walk through the door."

Morson looked through the whole house, ripping open the doors to the two tiny bedrooms. There was no sign that anyone had been there. I breathed an internal sigh of relief. He came back from his search fuming.

"Enough." His voice lost its professional veneer. "You're going to tell me where he went. Where is he hiding out?"

"I don't know who you're talking about," I said. Ignorance was my only weapon.

"I think you do. Start talking." He was walking toward me and I was backing up out of reach. The room wasn't big enough for that to go on too much longer.

"I told you before that I know nothing. Why don't you believe me?"

"You're lying through your teeth."

"No, I'm not," I lied through my teeth.

He caught me by the collar of my scrubs. "Talk."

"Shouldn't a cop act with more respect?"

He laughed. The laugh was lined with spite and malice. "I'm not Agent Morson, and I'm not a cop. Sweetheart, you've gotten yourself involved with the Hawkers."

"Isn't that a kind of bird?" I asked.

He punched me, the blow glancing off the bone above my eyes, smashing my brain around my skull. I yelped in pain.

"The next one will hurt worse. But-" His mustache twitched into a false smile. "I'll let you go if you tell me where that man went."

I shut my mouth. I stared at him in silence. Blood trickled down the side of my face.

Then I said slowly, "Well, if you're not a cop, I guess I can tell you the truth. The truth is that-" I didn't finish the statement. With all the strength I had, I kicked right between his legs.

He yelled a curse, dropping me.

I flung myself towards the door, but he recovered faster than I'd expected, and now he was truly furious. He grabbed my arm and twisted it. Something cracked and I screamed. He kicked me in the ribs while I was down.

"You'll talk or you'll die."

I groaned in answer, spitting blood onto Emily's floor.

He grabbed something out of his pocket–a wooden necklace with thick, cylidner beads. He crouched down next to me and put his hands around my neck, holding the necklace like he was going to clasp it around my neck. Then orange light flooded my vision and heat began to seer into my skin. I shrieked and writhed on the ground, trying to break his grip but it was no use. The light flared then faded. He removed his hands but the pressure on my windpipe increased.

The necklace was slowly contracting. I desperately tried to pull it off or break it. It was made of wood and string, but it could have been steel for all the good I was doing.

"I wouldn't have let you live anyway," the Hawker said. "It would have been nice to get some information, though."

Suddenly we heard a door open–not the front door though. It was Sam's door.

Fenin was standing in the doorway, gun pointed at the Hawker. "Break the rune."

"Are you Fenin?"

"I said break the rune."

"You're," the Hawker scoffed, "the rival rune dealer we've been up against. You're just a kid."

A gun shot. A scream. The Hawker wasn't scoffing anymore. He was on his knees, holding his left shoulder.

"Break the rune." Fenin's voice was cold.

"I don't have the energy," he said weakly.

"How long does she have?"

"Minutes."

Another gun shot. The Hawker fell backwards, bullet through his forehead.

I would have gasped if I had the air. Instead, I focused on breathing and the gradually increasing pressure on my windpipe.

Fenin kneeled next to me and looked at the necklace of doom. "Damn it."

I wanted to say, "What? What is it? Am I going to die?"

Instead, I hiccuped in another breath.

He put his hands on the rune and yet again, light filled the room, this time a familiar red. I squeezed my eyes shut. The heat was just as bad, if not worse, but I knew that he was trying to help. The necklace continued to inch my throat closed.

I couldn't breath.

Everything went very still and I started to fade from existence.

Of all the ways to go, this had been the most unexpected one–not unexpected like being suddenly struck by lightening on a clear day. No. It was more like the unexpected of setting your head under a guillotine only to be ripped apart by wild tigers at the last second.

I guess I was dead, or dying.

There wasn't a white light. There wasn't even hell fire. It was just black nothingness.

I thought of my brother, who died in a labor camp, all alone. I had been too weak to save him. I thought of my mother, who had tirelessly gathered rocks, the ruins of an old civilization. What good had it done?

Just as I had decided to let go, a voice called my name.

"Camille, come on." On the fringe of my numbness, I felt something.

The voice was closer now, coming into focus. "Breathe. You have to breathe."

Yes. Breathing.

All at once, I remembered how to feel pain. I was aware of my shoulder, my neck, my ribs and a million other places aching and throbbing. I wasn't dead.

Someone slapped me.

"Ow," I whispered accusingly.

"You're alive." The voice was Fenin's and he was relieved.

With a colossal effort, I opened my eyes. Fenin was frowning down at me. His dark eyes were stormy. Every time I looked at him, I was struck by his eyes again and again–full of sadness and anger, full of contempt for the world, full of…I don't know. Something.

"Couldn't get rid of me that easily." My voice was not my own. It was alien–scratched and croaky.

"Don't talk," he said.

I didn't argue. It would have taken too much effort anyways, seeing as my throat had almost been crushed and was no doubt an ugly purple color.

"Can you stand?"

I nodded, so he helped me up as carefully as he could, still jostling my injured shoulder in the process. I hissed in pain. The necklace of doom was lying innocently on the ground, broken apart. Fenin pocketed it then led me to Sam's room, to the window. I stumbled slightly as I walked, clutching onto Fenin's arm for support. It felt like the building had been tipped to one side.

"We can't go out the front," he said, opening the window. "We don't know if they're still watching."

He crawled through, then gestured for me to follow. I was steading myself with the window sill, staring stupidly at him.

"You have a concussion," he stated, studying my face and posture. "Lost oxygen to the brain too."

I didn't answer, but attempted to follow after him. I managed to get through the small window and stood, swaying, on the creaky fire escape. I took a unsteady step downwards. Then another.

Fenin sighed. "You're too sluggish."

I scrunched my eyebrows together and looked back at him, pointing accusingly at where he stood. He was technically behind me.

He rolled his eyes, took the two steps down, and picked me up. I made a noise of protest, but he ignored it, beginning to walk down the stairs at a rapid pace. I wanted to tell him to slow down. The world around me was a nauseating blur. I closed my eyes.

I don't know where we went, or how long it took. The next thing I knew, we were blissfully still. I blinked my eyes open. We were in an alley so narrow and surrounded by buildings so high that it could have been a cave if the walls were rock and not brick. The thought made me dizzier.

"This is a tunnel entrance. We have to climb down."

I shook my head and croaked out the words, "Absolutely not." He ignored the protest and set me down, crouching next to a sewer grate. He lifted it out and a gaping black hole opened.

I shook my head again, heartbeat quickening. He noticed the look.

"We have to get off the street. The sewer tunnels are the best way."

He sat at the edge of the hole and slid in, disappearing from sight.

"Come on." His disembodied voice didn't echo from miles away, like I would have suspected.

I sat shakily at the edge. A little light had managed to find it's way down onto Fenin's face as he looked back up at me. He didn't give me a reassuring look, just a slightly impatient one.

I took a huge breath and slid down into the abyss. Fenin didn't let me fall all the way to the concrete floor. He caught me, grunting slightly.

The impact sent sharp pains through my shoulder. I groaned, but groaning hurt my throat. I momentarily forgot that I was in a soul-crushingly tiny tunnel. Fenin let me go and I supported myself against the slimy wall.

When the tears of pain cleared, I looked around. Walls pressed in on every side, making breathing difficult, like I was being strangled again.

"Camille," Fenin said calmly. "You're hyperventilating."

He was right. My chest rose and fell rapidly, like the breathing of a scared animal. I took in a huge breath and held it, closing my eyes. I exhaled softly, focusing on the coolness of the rock beneath my fingers. The sound of metal scrapping across flagstones caused me to open them again. Fenin had pulled the grate back into place.

"Let's go."

"I'm walking," I struggled to say.

I wanted to keep my hand on the wall, to keep it from moving closer, to keep me grounded.

"You can't even stand up straight."

I glared at him, even while almost tipping over. "Walking."

"Fine." He sighed. "I'm not arguing with you right now. You can walk."

We began to limp further into the damp darkness, Fenin supporting me on one side, the wall on the other.

@barabara—here it is, finally. (Well, the first half….guilty look)

I hope these help :)

1. Very nice opening line! It pulls me right in.
2. "The scent was thick in my nose and dripping from my mother’s chest." I really like the beginning of the sentence—"The scent was thick in my nose". It's very strong description. The thing is it sort of makes the latter half of the sentence "and dripping from my mother's chest" sound like the scent is dripping from her mother's chest which is a bit…odd XD
3. Very nice imagery in this first paragraph! I do notice you use the words "blood" and "snow" quite a lot, which gets to be redundant.
4. “Even as the world shattered around me, some fundamental part of me knew that my whole world changed. The mountain cottage that I had spent my whole childhood in would soon become a distant memory. There would be no more trips to the neighboring kingdom, Misa, for training equipment. Setsuna’s mountains to the north would be void of our visits. The one thing I would not miss, however, would be the central kingdom we were in right now, Tamaya.”
   Okay, so you kind of pull away from the main scene here, and you introduce a lot of new stuff that isn’t really explained? It’s kind of confusing. Why is this important right now?
5. “Tamaya was bordered by four other kingdoms; Setsuna, Misa, Achmetha, and Honiahaka. My mother had been exiled from their military by corrupt politicians and soon after she had me and my twin, Eunoia. It had been Tamaya that had sent destruction to our doorstep. It was Tamaya that I had been trained for battle against. My whole life seemed to lead to this moment, and the world seemed to wonder whether I would live or die.” Again, we’re kind of getting a lot of information here and I’m wondering why it’s relevant.
6. “…the world seemed to wonder whether I would live or die.” How so?
7. “…emotion waited cautiously just outside my realm of thinking.” Very nice! I love this description.
8. “Every single one of them bore the Tamayan crest of a snake fighting a spider.” Why is the appearance of the crest relevant? You could just cut it out and end the sentence after “crest”. If you want to include the appearance of the crest, you could say this instead: “Every single one of them bore the image/symbol/emblem of a snake fighting a spider: the Tamayan crest.”
9. “The wind outside was drowning out my mother’s yelling, and there was no time for my confusion to take root.” I love this sentence! It makes the wind feel very powerful and loud.
10. “Rough hands seized my shoulders and rendered me immobile as soon as my feet hit the last step.” Very nice sentence! I don’t think I’d say “rendered me immobile” though…either “immobilized me” or “rendered me….” struggles to come up with an appropriate synonym “….frozen? Motionless?” No, those don’t really work either….I’m not sure. Sorry XD
11. “My family was in danger of an arrow sticking out of their throats.” You might want to reword this slightly….it sounds like her family would all be stuck with the same one arrow through all of their throats. (The problem lies in the “an arrow”). Also I might have “necks” instead of “throats”.
12. “The voice was soon lost on the wind, and all of my combat training was lost too.” The first half of the sentence is great! The second half….I find it unlikely, especially since she isn’t afraid at this point. (You say only later that she is afraid for the first time. This is also unlikely, but it makes for a nice dramatic line).
13. “I, Rie Katayama, my sister Eunoia Katayama, and my mother, Celeana Katayama,were tied up and freezing.” This feels like an odd place in the scene for formal introductions.
14. “My mother’s tears soaked into the ground along with my sister’s blood.” How did her mother’s tears get to the ground? I’m having a bit of trouble picturing this. Another thing: with it being as cold as it seems, the tears and blood probably wouldn’t soak into the ground, as the ground would be frozen and not very porous.
15. “That was the first time I felt fear.” Very strong line! I like it.
16. “Crystals slid down her cheeks, but her head was still held high.” Okay, by “crystals” I assume you mean tears? I don’t think I’d use that word. Maybe “tears made tracks down her face” or “her face was stroked with tears” or “tears slid in tracks down her face”. If you really don’t want to use “tears” (it is used quite a lot) you could describe it as…moisture? That’s not the best word, but I can’t really think of anything else right now. I’m sorry.
17. “I heard words like “monster” and “child of death” through his weak common tongue.” Lovely sentence! I must ask though: are these jabs directed at Rie or her mother?
18. “My family was one of warriors. We had lived in solitude our whole life up in the freezing mountains. Celeana was once a fearsome general, but now she was lost to exile. In my own journey of blood and tears I would discover who I really was. I was the illegitimate child of a king who wanted me back, but I was Rie Katayama. I was the last in line of female warriors and the cloaked soldiers in front of me didn’t know how much of a fight I would put up.” We’re cutting away from the scene for more backstory again. This kind of detracts from the tension of the scene, and it makes it harder to immerse oneself in what’s happening to Rie and her family.
19. “My twin sister, Eunoia, was laying on the frozen ground, tears sparkling in her wide eyes and blood flowing from a cut on her cheek.” Okay, I’ll admit “sparkling” makes me think of glitter and bling. Maybe “shining” would work better? (I love the description of the blood—very nice).
20. “If I was the moon, Eunoia would the sun, even in the coldest of winters she could warm me with a smile.” Should be “If I was the moon, Eunoia would be* the sun”. I’d also separate this here: “If I was the moon, Eunoia would be the sun; even in the coldest of winters she could warm me with a smile.”
21. “My mother's voice was barely a whisper above the howling wind.” I love this.
22. “Life drained away from my mother’s face and she finally rest slumping over the blade that ended her.” You’re missing a comma here. “Life drained away from my mother’s face and she finally rest, slumping over the blade that ended her.”
23. You use “My mother’s corpse” twice in two paragraphs.
24. “I ducked under a slow moving hand, and swung my sword in the direction from which the hand came to get the satisfaction of a painful howl.” The wording “in the direction from which the hand came” is a bit awkward. “To get the satisfaction of” is a bit strange as well. Maybe “to the sound of”. Rather than “a painful howl” I’d say “a pained howl”.
25. “A type of icey bite dwelled….” Icy, not icey.
26. “.…in the mountain air, and Il knew what it would lead to.” You have a typo here: an extra ‘I’.
27. “The wind continued to build even as I continued to run.” You use “continued” twice here. I’d replace one of them with a different word.
28. “The snow grew thick underneath my feet while I still kept running.” “As I ran” might flow better than “while I still kept running.”
29. “My cloak got trapped in the wind and my feet crossed over each other.” It got trappedin the wind? That’s a bit of an odd way to phrase it. Maybe got snagged by the wind? Or grabbed? And maybe was rather than got.
30. “I crumbled onto the ground, but didn’t have time to process pain.” I don’t think it would hurt much just to fall to the ground.
31. “My body trying to complete some sort of unknown dance.” This bit confuses me.
32. “My whole body lost all concept of feeling…” I think prior to this you’ve mentioned something along these lines at least once or twice. Just in general, watch to make sure you’re not repeating yourself :)
33. 1. “….the frozen fury of the storm.” I feel like “frozen fury” is a bit much. Also, if she had succumbed (good word by the way) why was she still running?
34. “the cloaks were still catching up.” I thought she killed all of them?
35. “I needed to fulfill the warrior’s promise made on a dying breath. I would take this promise to my grave. If only for the warrior’s blood in my veins, or the warrior’s blood on my hands.” You say “warrior’s” quite a lot here.
36. “I would do whatever must be done for the sister that I had left behind.” If there were cloaks left alive, isn’t it unsafe to leave her sister alone? They would just kill her and then go after Rie.
37. “It’s hooves beating an aggressive war song into the frozen ground.” I don’t think I’d describe it as a “war song”…
38. “….let it cement me in time and place.” Maybe space rather than place?
39. “Horses passed by me going in the opposite direction that I was heading.” Maybe instead: “Horses passed by me, going in the opposite direction.”
40. “If I had the energy to smile I would have, but my lips were numb.” Should be: “ f I had had the energy to smile I would have, but my lips were numb.”
41. “There was still on last place I had to be and wasn’t sure if I could make it.” You misspelled “one” as “on” here. Also, this sentence makes it seem like she’s been going to a list of places. “One last place.” Is that what you meant to imply?

I'm so sorry it took me so long to get to this! I had gotten through almost all of the edits a few nights ago but then my wifi went off and all of them were lost. I’ve finished redoing the edits for the first half now. Again, I’m so sorry for the wait. Thank you so much for your patience.

Thank you so much for the critique!

You're welcome! I'll try to get the second half done ASAP :)

Can you do my story?
Otis looked around frantically. Just a minute ago, he was walking with his only two friends in the forest. The next thing he knew, he was alone. He stood perfectly still. A stick cracked. Otis whipped his head around. He didn’t see anything. He cautiously started walking. Slowly, carefully… Just then, he was in front of a clearing. A small one, but still a clearing. He was about to walk into it and sit down on a rock, but just then, two men came up. They were fighting. They made their way into the clearing, where the bigger one shoved the smaller one onto the ground. “I swear, I don’t know where it is!”The bigger one death-glared the smaller one. “Well, if you don’t know where the money is, who does?” The smaller man was frantic. “Irwin, I swear, I don’t know!” “I know that you have it. If you won’t give it ‘ta me, imma have ‘ta…” He slowly pulled out a gun. “No-no Irwin, I’m begging you..NOOOO!” A gunshot fired. The smaller man lay there, dead. The bigger man had a look of slight regret. “I’m sorry I had t do that, brother…” The bigger man, “Irwin”, shut the man’s eyes and ran off, looking in all directions. Otis ducked into a bush just in time. Irwin shot his head around and looked into the bush. Nothing. Thank goodness Otis was wearing olive green that day, because he blended in perfectly. After about 20 minutes, when he couldn’t stand being in the bush anymore, he walked over to the rock and sat on it, pondering his thoughts, and after he couldn’t bear the intensity of the thoughts, he broke down and cried.