Oh, and @writelikeyourerunningoutoftime , if that's not readable you can always ask me to send it through email or something. I tried fixing it, but I didn't understand why it wouldn't work. I'm so sorry!
Thank you so much!!! The format's weird but I can still read it, plus your explanation tells me if I missed anything. Thank you for the amazing critique. :D
@ReiniDays, thanks so much for the critique! You caught a whole bunch of little typos that I need to fix so thank you! But my big question was does the fight scene flow? And outside of the grammatical parts, did anything draw you out of the action? Also, @writelikeyourerunningoutoftime your stuff was lovely as always :)
Thank you :D
@writelikeyourerunningoutoftime
Good! So glad you liked it!
@Reblod @LittleBear @writelikeyourerunningoutoftime
Hey, guys! If any of you want to join a competition for writing, there's one going on in General Chats that I'm gonna be in. The strand is by @Jensen-rs , and I think they would like more judges/competitors. The theme is magic! There are still some things to be decided, but if you want to join you should totally go check it out. It's a shorter story sort of contest, and I think they bumped the max word count up to about 900 or so. I'll hopefully see one or two of you there!
@Krynn
I can critique your stuff now! I think I've gotten everyone else's sections done.
Mason silently cursed Toby as he shivered in the crisp early morning weather. He had been sleeping peacefully until he had gotten a call claiming that he needed to head down to the lab as fast as humanly possible. Mason had reluctantly pulled himself out of bed and debated whether or not he had time to take a shower. Thankfully, he decided that he didn’t and had begun the twenty-minute walk down to the lab.
Once there, Mason knocked on the large metal door and rubbed his hands up and down his arms hoping to gain warmth. The door opened with a loud creak and behind it stood Toby himself. His ink black hair had been slicked back by gel and almost seemed to reflect the fluorescent lighting. His amber brown eyes shined with excitement and his lab coat swished as Toby swayed slightly.
“Mason! Just in time! Come in! Come in!” Toby greeted pulling Mason into the warm lab.
“What is it this time Toby?” Mason asked as he walked towards Toby’s office.
“Only the greatest discovery of all time!” Toby exclaimed throwing open the wooden door to his office. Mason shook his head looking around. Toby’s office looked exactly like it had when Mason had visited it seven hours ago. The wooden desk still sat in the center of the room with two chairs sitting in front of it. Behind the desk sat several metal filing cabinets and most of the drawers had papers sticking up out of them. To the left of that sat Toby’s bulletin board which at the moment was covered in thousands of pictures of the ocean and several islands. “Have a seat Mason.”
Mason took a seat in a chair by the desk waiting for Toby’s excuse for why he was there at one in the morning. “Alright, what is it?” Mason asked crossing his arms. Toby smiled before turning to the bulletin board and pointing at several pictures.
“Do you see these?” He asked. Mason rolled his eyes before adjusting his glasses.
“Of course I see them. They’re three feet in front of me!”
“Just thought I’d ask…”
“Just get on with it, Toby.” Toby nodded before turning back to the pictures.
“I have reason to believe that there are new resources and materials in this particular area,” He started moving his hand around several pictures of the ocean. Mason nodded as Toby continued. “And the closest island for us to set up a base is here,” He pointed to a picture of an island, “The Phoenix Islands!” Toby smiled before turning to face Mason.
“Is that all?” Mason asked rubbing his face. Toby’s smile faded into an expression of disbelief.
“Is that all?! Is that all?! Are you clearly not interested that there is a possibility of new minerals down there?!” Mason didn’t say anything. “You know what,” Toby threw his hands up before moving over to his desk and opening a drawer, “maybe my research will convince you.” Toby pulled out a stack of papers and looked at them before offering them to Mason.
Mason shook his head. “I’m good Toby. If you don’t mind…I think I’m going to head home and go back to bed.” Mason made a move to stand up before Toby shouted “No!”.
“You can’t leave yet! Not until I tell the rest of the group!”
Mason raised a brow, “The rest of the group?” Toby nodded.
“Yes. I also called Gwen and Cody.” Mason groaned.
“Toby, It’s early. I’m exhausted and I’m sure you are as well. Can’t this wait until the morning?” Mason asked standing up from his chair.
“No! It can’t wait!!!” Before he could continue there was a knock on the large metal door. “They’re here!” Toby exclaimed rushing towards the door. Mason followed closely behind praying that it was just the mailman or some homeless man seeking shelter. Unfortunately, when Toby opened the door it was neither the mailman nor a homeless man seeking shelter. Instead, it was Gwen and Cody.
Gwen was leaning on Cody and from the looks of it, she had fallen asleep on his shoulder. Her normally curly electric blonde hair was tangled and she was wearing bunny slippers with black pajamas that had hearts on them. Cody, on the other hand, was using his right hand to make sure Gwen didn’t fall while he held a steaming coffee mug in his left hand. His Chestnut brown hair stood up at odd angles and his chocolate brown eyes were glazed with sleep. He wore gray sweatpants and a black T-shirt with flip-flops. He took a long sip of his coffee before noticing Toby and Mason.
“Hi. We got here as fast as we could.” Cody explained before nudging Gwen with his elbow.
“How long have you been out here?” Mason asked.
“I just got here. Pretty sure she waited a good couple of minutes thinking she had knocked.” Cody nudged Gwen again and she woke up this time.
“I’m up!” She exclaimed looking around. “Toby! Mason! Good to see you two!” She said giving the two of them hugs before slipping into the building. Cody nodded as he walked past the two of them.
When they had reached Toby’s office, Gwen had seated herself behind the desk as Cody sat on a chair in front of it. Mason sat down in the seat he was in before and waited. Toby smiled before repeating what he had told Mason to Cody and Gwen. When he finished, he waited patiently for someone to say something.
Cody took another sip of his coffee, “You want to go to the Phoenix Islands to gather minerals?” He asked. Toby nodded. Cody sighed before taking another drink of his coffee.
“When do you plan on doing this?” Gwen asked.
“Hopefully sometime next week,” Toby replied. As Toby and Gwen continued talking, Mason looked over to Cody who was glaring at his coffee mug. Mason scooted his chair closer.
“I’m assuming you’re as angry as I am…” Mason whispered quietly so neither Gwen nor Toby would hear him.
“It is 1:30 in the morning,” Cody started looking to Mason, “and I didn’t fall asleep until midnight. So yeah, I’m a little mad.” Mason couldn’t help but chuckle. It was only on rare occasions that Cody got mad and when he did it was hilarious. He would always look ready to murder and anyone that said something that irritated him would get the stink eye.
“Aw, look Toby. Cody has a friend!” Gwen cooed clasping her hands together. Cody swung his head and glared at her before Gwen broke down into a laughing fit. Mason shook his head as he laughed.
“For your information,” Cody started, “I have friends. They’re just always busy.” Gwen laughed again as Toby shook his head.
“Anyway,” Toby started, “I’m still waiting for an answer.”
“I didn’t hear you ask a question,” Mason replied turning in his seat.
“Will you guys accompany me on my trip to the Phoenix Islands?”
“Of course!” Gwen smiled. Cody nodded and Toby looked at Mason for an answer. Mason sighed.
“Someone has to look after you.” He mumbled.
“Perfect!” Toby announced, “I’ll make the arrangements with the boss tomorrow morning!”
“It is tomorrow morning” Cody mumbled as he left the office. Mason laughed shaking his head as he followed. He was exhausted and ready to head to bed but at least he got a laugh out of this unfortunate meeting.
Around eight that same morning, Mason received yet another call from Toby. “What is it now, Toby?” Mason asked irritated.
“Well, I talked to the boss and she’s requested that everyone who’s going on the trip be present at the lab immediately,” Toby explained. Mason sighed sitting up.
“I’ll be there as fast as I can.” He told Toby before hanging up. Mason set his phone on the nightstand and dragged himself out of bed.
When he arrived at the lab for the second time that day, Gwen was already waiting at the door. This time she wore a maroon shirt, jeans, and some brown boots. “Hey, Gwen,” Mason stated as he knocked on the door. Gwen turned to face him.
“Hey, Mason! How are you?”
“Good. Actually got some sleep. You?”
“Great!” She paused before continuing, “So, how are things between you and Cody?” Gwen smirked as she crossed her arms.
“I’m sorry what?”
“You and Cody.”
“What about us?”
“You a couple yet?” Mason felt his face heat up as he looked around. Thankfully no one was around and Mason prayed that someone hadn’t heard them. “Well?” Gwen asked.
“It’s not like that,” Mason whispered looking towards the ground. He could practically feel Gwen rolling her eyes. He and Cody were just friends. Gwen didn’t know what she was talking about. The loud creak of the door brought Mason out of his thoughts.
“Gwen! Mason!” Toby exclaimed running a hand through his hair, “Glad you're here! Come in! Come in!” Mason followed behind Toby and Gwen as they walked through the lab. “So as you know, I’ve informed the boss about the trip.” Toby turned as he continued, “She’s excited at the potential discovery of minerals but is concerned about our safety.”
“She has a right to,” Gwen started, “Remember the last time we went on a trip with you?”
“Kenya was a great trip!” Toby defended. Last year, Toby had managed to convince Mason and Gwen to go to Kenya with him to document animals and the overall experience had left Mason with several nightmares.
“I almost got eaten by a lion!” Gwen exclaimed.
“That’s water under the bridge. I assure you there are no lions on the Phoenix Islands.” Toby stated. Gwen rolled her eyes as Mason laughed.
When they reached the boss’s door, Mason gulped nervously. It had been a while since he’d visited Joy, and he didn’t know what was about to happen. Toby opened up the door and walked in, Gwen and Mason following shortly behind him. Joy was seated behind her desk in the center of the room. Her raven locks had been put up into a bun and she wore a blue cardigan that covered her white T-shirt, khakis, and flats. Behind her desk sat several file cabinets, all of them closed without a single paper or folder sticking out from them. In front of the desk were four chairs, one being taken by Cody. Mason sat next to him and ignored the smile Gwen sent him. Once the door was closed and everyone was seated, Joy spoke.
“I assume that Toby has informed you on my concerns,” She started. Gwen, Cody, and Mason nodded while Toby just shrugged. “Then you are aware that I’m concerned of your safety. I don’t want another Kenya repeat.” She turned her attention towards Toby who had suddenly found an interest in the floor.
“Don’t worry Mrs. Finley,” Cody started, “I’ll be on the trip. I’ll make sure everything goes well.” Joy turned to face him.
“Are you sure?” She asked raising a brow. Cody nodded.
“Absolutely.” Joy nodded before looking at everyone in the room.
“Alright, but do not hesitate to call me if something happens.”
“Understood.”
“You’re dismissed.” With that, Mason stood following the others out of the room. Once the door was shut, Gwen spoke.
“So Cody, You’re the safety master now?”
“Yep.”
“Well then, guess we aren’t having any fun on this trip…” Cody huffed as Mason chuckled.
“This trip isn’t about having fun!” Toby started as they headed towards his office, “We’re on the verge of a new discovery!”
“Toby I know for a fact that the second we get there, Mason and I are going to be setting up the base while you and Gwen go exploring or something.” Cody stated.
“I would never!” Toby placed his hand over his heart as he feigned offence. Gwen rolled her eyes as she laughed.
“Right.” Mason laughed.
“When are we leaving Toby?” Cody asked. Toby turned to face him.
“Oh yes. Probably should’ve mentioned that earlier. We leave in three days.”
“Three days?” Mason exclaimed. Toby nodded.
“Yes. Three days. Though I am going to require your assistance.”
“With?” Gwen asked.
“Packing our supplies of course.” Mason sighed.
They spent the next two days helping Toby pack. Gwen had spent most of that time taking things out of the bin and moving them back to where they were. Which caused Toby to go grab it again. Mason had spent his time crossing items of the list while Cody told him what was in the bin. Thankfully they had finished last night and Mason was now sitting in the airport waiting for everyone else. Mason checked his watch. It read 6:30. “Mason!” Mason turned his head at the mention of his name. Carrying several bags stood Toby. His hair hadn’t been gelled back yet and he was wearing casual clothing for once in his life.
“Need a hand?” Mason asked standing up.
“No, no, I’ve got it.” Toby set down several bags before sitting down and smiling.
“You’re late,” Mason pointed out, taking a seat beside him.
“Flight leaves at seven. It’s only 6:30, so therefore I’m not late.” Mason rolled his eyes.
“Fair enough. Any idea where Gwen and Cody are?” Toby yawned before lying down.
“The last time I checked, Gwen said that she was going to pick up Cody before arriving at the airport.”
Thanks! Sorry it's long!
@Krynn
I'm gonna do the same thing that I did with @writelikeyourerunningoutoftime , but it might take a little while. Expect a response sometime later tomorrow :)
@Krynn
I AM THE WORST I JUST GOT HOME FROM SOMETHING AND I HAVE TO GET UP EARLY TOMORROW
I'M SO SORRY
I PROMISE TO GET TO IT SOMETIME THIS WEEKEND FOR SURE, THOUGH
@ReiniDays You're fine! Take your time!
Could you critique the Prologue/Chapter 1 of my to-be book? Here it is:
-It all happened at 3 in the morning-
I was awake as usual, writing short stories in my notebook. The lamp in my room was my only current light source. Still too bright. I leaned forward and draped my hair around my writing like curtains. Much better.
Soon after I finished the page, turning it as I noticed a faint green light spewing onto the notebook. I looked down and spotted its source; the charms on my necklace, an heirloom passed down to me by my Grandpop. I sat up, not sure if I should be excited or nervous. My Familiar was coming.
The necklace hummed slightly and floated upwards into my face. I felt the intensity of the light increase as the humming grew louder. Suddenly it stopped, the charms hovered before me as the room fell silent. The air was still yet heavy and swirling with static. Then from nowhere the charms burst into beams of light so bright I had to shut my eyes. All gravity seemed to have left the air around me. The green light swirled together and started to take shape. It solidified before my eyes, my ears ringing and my head pounding. The soon-to-be creature gained mass and color. It landed on my floor barely 5 feet from me and everything returned to normal. Except for my life. Since there he was. My Familiar.
Yes! After I finish this map, I'll do yours and Krynn's tonight.
@Krynn
Mason silently cursed Toby as he shivered in the crisp morning weather. He had been sleeping peacefully until he had gotten a call claiming that he needed to head down to the lab as fast as humanly possible. Mason had reluctantly pulled himself out of bed and debated whether or not he had time to take a shower. Thankfully, he decided that he didn’t and had begun the twenty-minute walk down to the lab.
Once there, Mason knocked on the large metal door and rubbed his hands up and down his arms, hoping to gain some warmth. The door opened with a loud creak, and behind it stood Toby himself. His inky black hair had been meticulously slicked back by gel that shimmered in the fluorescent lighting, but a few stray strands brought attention directly to his excited eyes.
“Mason! Just in time! Come in, come in!” Toby greeted, the flaps of his coat swishing as he pulled Mason into the warm lab.
“What is it this time, Toby?” Mason asked as they started walking.
“Only the greatest discovery of all time!” Toby exclaimed, throwing open the wooden door to his office. Mason shook his head as he looked around. The room looked exactly like it had when he had visited it seven hours ago. The wooden desk still sat in the center of the room with two chairs sitting in front of it, the back of the room held the same metal filing cabinets, most of which had papers sticking up out of them, and to the left sat Toby’s bulletin board, which was covered in thousands of pictures of the ocean and several islands. “Have a seat, Mason.”
“Alright, what is it?” Mason asked as he sat down, crossed his arms, and waited for the man's excuse. Toby smiled before turning to his board and pointing at some particular photos.
“Do you see these?” he asked.
Mason rolled his eyes and adjusted his glasses. “Of course I see them. Get on with it, Toby.”
“I have reason to believe that there are new resources and materials in this particular area.” He started moving his hand around several shots of the ocean. Mason nodded as he continued. “And the closest place for us to set up a base is here,” he pointed to a new picture of an island with a grin. "They're called the Phoenix Islands!”
“Is that all?” Mason asked rubbing his face. Toby’s smile faded into an expression of disbelief.
“Is that all?! Really?! Aren't you interested that there might be new minerals down there?!” Mason didn’t say anything. “You know what,” Toby threw his hands up in exasperation and moved over to his desk, “maybe my research will convince you.” He pulled out a stack of papers and looked at them before offering them to Mason.
Mason shook his head. “I’m good, Toby. If you don’t mind, I think I’m going to head home and go back to bed.” He made a move to stand up but was stopped by a cry of frustration.
“You can’t leave yet! Not until I tell the rest of the group!”
Mason raised a brow. “The rest of the group?”
“Yes. I also called Gwen and Cody.”
“It’s early. I’m exhausted, and I’m sure you are as well. Can’t this wait until later?” Mason asked with a groan, standing up from his chair.
“No, it can’t wait!” A knock on the large metal door made both of them jump. “They’re here!” Toby exclaimed, rushing towards the door. Mason followed closely behind, praying that it was just a mistake, but unfortunately when Toby opened the door he saw that it wasn't a stray branch or wandering soul. Instead, it was their friends.
Gwen had, from the looks of it, apparently fallen asleep on Cody's shoulder. Her normally curly blonde hair was tangled, and she was wearing bunny slippers with black pajamas that were dotted with hearts. Cody used his right hand to make sure she didn’t fall. In his other, he gripped a cup of steaming coffee that he occasionally sipped. His chestnut brown hair stood up at odd angles, and, despite the caffeine, his chocolate brown eyes were glazed with sleep. His outfit consisted of a black T-shirt, gray sweatpants, and flip-flops.
“Hi. We got here as fast as we could.” Cody explained. He glanced at Gwen and nudged her with his elbow.
“How long have you been out here?” Mason asked.
“I just got here. Pretty sure she waited a good couple of minutes thinking she had knocked.” Cody nudged Gwen again, and she woke up.
“I’m up!” She yelped, looking around. As soon as she saw them, she gave them both hugs. “Toby! Mason! Good to see you two!” Cody pushed past her into the doorway. After finishing with greetings, they followed his suit.
When they reached Toby’s office, Gwen took a seat behind the desk and Cody sat on a chair in front of it. Mason plopped down in the seat he was in before and waited. Toby started to repeat what he had told Mason to Cody and Gwen. When he finished, he waited patiently for someone to say something.
Cody took a large gulp of his coffee. “You want to go to the Phoenix Islands to gather minerals?” he asked. Toby nodded. Cody sighed and took another swig.
“When do you plan on doing this?” Gwen questioned.
“Hopefully sometime next week,” Toby replied. As Toby and Gwen continued talking, Mason looked over to Cody, who was glaring at his cup. Mason scooted his chair closer.
“I’m assuming you’re as angry as I am…” Mason whispered quietly so neither Gwen nor Toby would hear him.
“It's one thirty in the morning,” Cody stared back at him, “and I didn’t fall asleep until midnight. So yeah, I’m a little mad.” Mason couldn’t help but chuckle. It was very rare that Cody got mad, but when he did it was hilarious. He looked close to murder, and anyone that said something that irritated him would get the stink eye.
“Aw, look. Cody has a friend!” Gwen cooed, clasping her hands together. Cody swung his head and scowled at her as she broke down into a laughing fit. Mason joined in, shaking his head as he chuckled.
“For your information,” Cody stated, “I have friends. They’re just always busy.” Gwen just snorted.
“Anyway,” Toby started, “I’m still waiting for an answer.”
“I didn’t hear your question,” Mason replied, turning in his seat.
“Will you guys accompany me on my trip to the Phoenix Islands?”
“Of course!” Gwen smiled. Cody nodded and Toby looked at Mason for an answer. Mason sighed.
“Someone has to look after you," he mumbled resignedly.
“Perfect! I’ll make the arrangements with the boss tomorrow morning!”
“It is tomorrow morning,” Cody grunted as he left the office. Mason snickered and followed. He was exhausted and ready to head to bed, but admittedly a little pleased that he got a laugh out of the experience.
Around eight that same morning, Mason received yet another call from Toby. “What is it now?” Mason asked, irritated.
“Well, I talked to the boss and she’s requested that everyone who’s going on the trip be present at the lab immediately,” Toby explained. Mason sighed and sat up straight.
“I’ll be there as fast as I can," he said before hanging up. He set his phone on the nightstand and dragged himself out of bed.
When he arrived at the lab for the second time that day, Gwen was already waiting at the door. This time she wore a maroon shirt, jeans, and some brown boots. “Hey, Gwen."
She turned to look at him as he knocked. “Hey, Mason! How are you?”
“Good. Actually got some sleep. You?”
“Great!” She paused. “So, how are things between you and Cody?”
“I’m sorry, what?”
“You and Cody," Gwen repeated, smirking.
“What about us?”
“Are you a couple yet?” Mason felt his face heat up, and he snuck a couple of quick glances around. Thankfully, no one was nearby.
“Well?”
“It’s not like that,” he whispered, looking towards the ground. He could practically feel her rolling her eyes. He and Cody were just friends. Gwen didn’t know what she was talking about.
The loud creak of the door brought Mason out of his thoughts. They swiveled around to see Toby bounding towards them, one hand pushing through his hair. “Gwen! Mason! Glad you're here! Come in, come in!” The three of them clustered together and began going towards the lab. “As you know, I’ve informed the boss about the trip. She’s excited at the potential discovery of minerals, but is concerned about our safety.”
“She has a right to be,” Gwen responded. “Don't you remember the last time we went on a trip with you?”
“Kenya was great!” Toby defended. Last year, he had managed to convince them to go to Kenya with him to document animals, and the overall experience had left Mason with nightmares.
“I almost got eaten by a lion!” Gwen exclaimed.
“That’s water under the bridge. I assure you there are no lions on the Phoenix Islands.” Toby stated. Gwen rolled her eyes as Mason laughed.
When they reached the boss’s door, Mason gulped nervously. It had been a while since he’d visited Joy, and he didn’t know what was about to happen. Toby opened up the door and walked in, Gwen and Mason coming in right behind him. Joy was seated behind her desk in the center of the room. Her raven locks had been put up into a bun, and she wore a blue cardigan that covered her white T-shirt, khakis, and flats. Behind her desk sat several file cabinets, all of them closed without a single folder hanging out. In front of the desk were four chairs, one being taken by Cody. Mason sat next to him and ignored the smile Gwen sent him. Once the door was closed and everyone was seated, Joy spoke.
“I assume that Toby has informed you all of my concerns,” she said clearly. Gwen, Cody, and Mason nodded, while Toby just shrugged. “Then you're aware that I’m concerned of your safety. I don’t want another Kenya repeat.” She turned her attention towards, Toby who was suddenly far too interested in the floor.
“Don’t worry, Mrs. Finley,” Cody piped, “I’ll be on the trip. I’ll make sure everything goes well.”
Joy turned to face him, a single brow raised. “Are you sure?”
“Absolutely," he replied, nodding.
“Alright, but do not hesitate to call me if something happens.”
“Understood.”
“You’re dismissed.” With that, Mason stood and went with the others out of the room. Once the door was shut, Gwen spoke.
“So… Cody, you’re the safety master now?”
“Yep.”
“Well, I guess we aren’t having any fun on this trip…” she trailed off. Cody huffed, making Mason chuckle.
“This trip isn’t about having fun!” Toby said as they headed towards his office. “We’re on the verge of a new discovery!”
“Toby, I know for a fact that the second we get there, Mason and I are going to be setting up the base while you and Gwen go exploring or something," Cody sighed.
“I would never!” Toby placed his hand over his heart as he feigned offence. Gwen rolled her eyes and giggled.
“Right,” Mason laughed.
“When are we leaving?” Cody asked. Toby turned to face him.
“Oh, I probably should’ve mentioned that earlier. We leave in three days.”
“Three days?” Mason exclaimed. Toby nodded.
“Yes, three days. Though I am going to require your assistance.”
“With?” Gwen asked.
“Packing our supplies, of course.” Mason sighed.
They spent the next two days helping Toby pack. Gwen had spent most of it taking things out of the bin and moving them back to where they were, which made Toby to go grab them again. Mason had spent his time crossing items off the list while Cody told him what was in the bin. Thankfully, they had finished last night, and Mason was now sitting in the airport waiting for everyone else. He checked his watch. It was six-thirty.
“Mason!” He turned his head at the mention of his name. Toby was walking over to him, four or five bags hanging from his arms. His hair hadn’t been gelled back yet, and he was wearing casual clothing for once in his life.
“Need a hand?” Mason asked, standing up.
“No, no, I’ve got it.” Toby set down the packs. He threw himself down and smiled widely.
“You’re late,” Mason pointed out.
“Flight leaves at seven, and it’s only six-thirty. Therefore, I’m not late.”
“Fair enough. Any idea where Gwen and Cody are?” Toby yawned and leaned back.
“The last time I checked, Gwen said that she was going to pick up Cody before arriving at the airport.”
~~~~
Let's take a look at some of the things I changed, yeah?
Quite a bit of your dialogue needed small edits because you didn't put a comma before the name or noun. For example, the sentence "Have a seat Mason." would actually be "Have a seat, Mason." You might want to be careful and watch for these types of situations.
I noticed that you have a slight tendency to restate objects or ideas that don't necessarily have to be there. You might've noticed that some sentences have been changed, even though they could've seemed fine before. These are most likely the things I'm talking about. An example would be:
“What is it this time Toby?” Mason asked as he walked towards Toby’s office.
“Only the greatest discovery of all time!” Toby exclaimed throwing open the wooden door to his office.
This isn't a major one, but you repeated that they were going to the office more than once. Another example:
The wooden desk still sat in the center of the room with two chairs sitting in front of it. Behind the desk sat several metal filing cabinets and most of the drawers had papers sticking up out of them. To the left of that sat Toby’s bulletin board which at the moment was covered in thousands of pictures of the ocean and several islands. “Have a seat Mason.”
Mason took a seat in a chair by the desk waiting for Toby’s excuse for why he was there at one in the morning. “Alright, what is it?” Mason asked crossing his arms. Toby smiled before turning to the bulletin board and pointing at several pictures.
You repeated that the seat was by the desk and the bulletin board, both of which could be simplified a bit. This is obviously pretty picky, but I hope it's alright with you anyway :)
Another thing I think you should look out for is the repetition of the word "before". In this whole blurb, you used it about 22 times in sentences such as "Toby smiled before repeating what he had told Mason to Cody and Gwen." I changed a few of them to give you a better idea of alternate ways to write these types of sentences.
I changed one or two pieces of dialogue because I didn't think they were needed to progress the story. It's these parts, if you're wondering:
“Do you see these?” He asked. Mason rolled his eyes before adjusting his glasses.
“Of course I see them. They’re three feet in front of me!”
“Just thought I’d ask…”
“Just get on with it, Toby.” Toby nodded before turning back to the pictures.
and
Unfortunately, when Toby opened the door it was neither the mailman nor a homeless man seeking shelter. Instead, it was Gwen and Cody.
Why would there be a mailman there that early in the morning? I didn't think either of these fit 100%, so I just mixed them up a bit.
A lot of your sentences needed commas in them. For example, "Mason laughed shaking his head as he followed." should be "Mason laughed, shaking his head as he followed." Also, I think it might be good for you to work on using names less. You could use descriptions or pronouns to try and give a bit of variation here and there.
That leads me into my next topic. I would really recommend working on adding more description into your work. You have one or two paragraphs that actually describe what people are wearing, but a lot of what's here is just dialogue or brief action sentences.
Another thing you might wanna look for is using "she/he/they started" when a character is speaking. In your original version, you used this phrase about seven times or so. That's alright, but sometimes you could think about changing the wording up.
There are a couple additional things, but that's the most of it. I hope this helped! Sorry it took a gazillion years!
Hey guys! I just uploaded a competition in general chat if any of y'all are interested! https://www.notebook.ai/forum/general-chat/short-story-writing-competition
Hey, LittleBear! I'll check it out!
It all happened at three in the morning.
I was still awake as usual, writing short stories in my notebook. The lamp in my room was my only light source, but it was still too bright. I leant forward, and my hair fell around my writing like curtains. Much better.
Soon after I finished the page, I noticed a soft green light spilling over my words. I looked down and spotted its source. The charms on my necklace, an heirloom passed down to me by my grandpop, were glowing faintly. I sat up, not sure if I should be excited or nervous. My Familiar was coming.
The necklace hummed slightly and floated upwards into my face. The intensity of the light increased as the sound grew louder. Suddenly it stopped, and the charms hovered before me as the room fell quiet. The air was still, heavy, and buzzing with static. Then, out of nowhere, the charms burst into beams of light so bright I had to shut my eyes. All gravity seemed to have left the air around me. The green rays swirled together and started to take shape. It solidified before me, leaving my ears ringing and my head pounding. The soon-to-be creature gained mass and color. It landed on my floor barely five feet away, and everything, except for my life, returned to normal.
And there he was.
~~~~
The first thing I noticed is that your writing is descriptive, but can be kind of stiff at times. This part "Except for my life. Since there he was. My Familiar." seems especially so. I rewrote that part, but if you don't like it I can always give you more options. Oh, and the last sentence could either be "And there he was." or "There he was. My Familiar."
Another sentence I read caught my eye. It was "Soon after I finished the page, turning it as I noticed a faint green light spewing onto the notebook." The structuring of this doesn't really make sense. Once again, there's a suggestion up there that I think you might like.
I enjoyed it a lot! Is this going to be a witch story? I'd love to hear more about it.
I also have my own contest now! Anybody can join :)
Thank you so so much, I appreciate it!
Also what tips can you give to not writing so stiffly?
Hm, I'd say you should watch to make sure your sentences connect in ways that make them flow easily. Read them aloud if you're not sure how they should sound.
Ex: "Except for my life. Since there he was. My Familiar." You can see how the shortness makes it sound a little more halting, which makes it harder for the reader to enjoy. That being said, you wouldn't make something like this too long, either. I'd say just connect the ideas somehow and you'd be fine.
Also, you could try and word them so that they're a little natural. Make it not quite conversational, but not so
Ex: "I looked down and spotted its source; the charms on my necklace, an heirloom passed down to me by my Grandpop. " This sentence would be fine, but the wording is just a bit off, you know? If you read it out loud, you might know what I mean. Remember that your readers have a voice in their head that will probably pick up on some tricky wordings as they go. This is more picky, but it could help.
Okay Ill keep this in mind, thank you!
https://www.wattpad.com/story/130315864-of-turnstikes-boots-and-williamses
hey would you mind reading what I've got so far on this and giving some feedback on the plot/characters? I know the grammar/sentence structure is mildly fucked and there's too many paranthetical asides so I'm in the process of fixing it
@calellory
Sure! It may take about two days, though, because I currently don't have access to my computer that I use to edit/take notes.
ooh sweet ok!!
Hey, could you take a look at the first and second chapters of my story when you can? I know that I can be a bit overly descriptive, but this is the 1st rough draft for the story that I will be sharing. I like to write whatever idea comes to me down, so that I have it for the next rough draft, if that makes scence. Could you possibly do it how you did for LittleBear?
@calellory @Syguy20132
I can do both of your stuff still! Originally, I thought I could have it done by today, but school's kind of beating me up right now. I'll try to get it done on Friday and Saturday. Is that okay? My apologies!