forum I can critique your stories, characters and universes! (still open)

Started November 18, 2020 by Elizabeth Schuyler

tune

If you'd like me to reiview a chapter of your story, just send me a link to a google document and I'll try to help you out! I"ll only do one chapter at a time and I'll focus on the story itself, so if you want a more grammar-focused review I'm afraid I can't help you with that.

Would you mind me sharing not a story, but a Universe page? Just to see if the premise and exposition of my story make sense. If not, that’s completely fine!

Sure!

Here it is! Let me know if there's a problem with the link. Umbrellas All the Way Down

The link works great! I'll try to give you some feedback later today

Sounds good! Thanks so much for doing this.

@Not!Onnex Ok, I've never critiqued a universe before, and if I'm being honest worldbuilding isn't exactly my forte, but I'll do my best to be helpful. You asked specifically for comments on the premise and exposition, and from what I gathered they are great. I'm not very familiar with many of the concepts you mentioned, like eldritch horrors and dead zones, but from your exposition alone (and also some quick searches on google images) I think I got the general vibe of the story. I really like the idea of this being a cartoon, and I think the concept of a PI agency that investigates crimes (presumably) related to other dimensions clipping with Earth is super fun and would work great as an animated show, so you really nailed it (do people still say that? English is not my native language and I'm terrified of talking like an old lady who wants to be cool with the kids) when choosing the medium. If I could give you any advice when it comes to exposition, I'd tell you to not assume people know what you're talking about, even when It's a fairly well-known concept. I think you did well explaining the dimensions and how this world functions, but I'd suggest you take the time to explain some of the references you use, especially the ones related to Christianity. I'm focusing on that specifically because of how common it is for creators to assume the audience is familiar with Christianity, and as someone who grew up without religion, I guarantee you that's not always the case. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Christian symbolism in stories, especially catholic when used in a profane context, and I think it matches the general vibe of your story really well, but I also have no idea what a "biblically accurate angel" looks like and if you reference any passage of the bible that isn't Adam and Eve or that one with Jesus and the prostitute I won't have the faintest idea of what you're talking about. You don't need to stop the story to give an extensive explanation every time you make a biblical reference, just make a small comment so the audience knows what you mean. For example, you say on Azazel's profile that xe (I hope I'm using the pronouns the right way but I've never used them before so I'm sorry if it's not correct) is old enough to have been cast out of Heaven around the same time as Lucifer, so if you're going to mention this in the story, just make a small comment about how God? expelled many angels (assuming they were angels idk) from heaven during that time, and maybe the reasons why they were banned if you think it's necessary. And because we are on the topic of religion, let's talk about how it relates to your story for a bit. You say that many mythological/religious characters exist in this universe as eldritch horrors and that many of the stories that we hear about them are misinterpretations of events that occurred due to dimension clippings. This is a very interesting concept, but if it also raises some questions: if humans know about the existence of other dimensions, do they also know that their gods are not actual gods? Is religion still a thing? Do people worship those eldritch horrors as their creators? If the Christian god exists but didn't create the universe, did she do anything that would make people believe she did? Why is she the Christian god? And also the "Christian god" is not exclusive to Christianity so is she also Allah and the god described in the Torah (or any other version of the same god I'm not familiar with? Is Satan a thing? It's not always a thing in Abrahamic religions, sometimes it's a feeling. Was the universe created by a superior being? Or was it the big bang and shit? Do humans have the answers to any of those questions? What do the eldritch horrors who are worshipped as gods think about being worshipped?
Ok, I think that's it! I'm sorry it's so long and confusing, but I tried. If you want to know, I'd watch the shit out of this show, so great job!

Thank you so much for this critique, it was really helpful! I definitely see what you mean; a lot of the time I'm really interested in the things I'm talking about and forget that the concepts I'm messing with aren't all common knowledge. And when you add religion to fiction, it's…a little tricky, for sure. I'm not religious myself, but did sort of grow up around it, so it's definitely some fault on my part for not doing enough research on some and not explaining other things. A good place to start would probably explain more exactly how much the general population knows about these things–most humans are aware that these eldritch beings exist, somewhere in the corner of their mind, but most don't have more than a passing knowledge unless it's a part of their job, since it doesn't affect their lives all that much. I think I unintentionally made the Universe a little biased because of the protagonists, who do know more about these things since it's a part of their jobs. Religions like Christianity exist in pretty much the same form; though many think God must be some sort of eldritch being, they still regard her as they do in the real world. No one's actually met her, and people don't usually encounter angels like Azazel, so it's still a lot of speculation as it is in real life. But there are certainly a lot more cults, conspiracy theorists, and that sort of thing, which is something I didn't really touch on. I think one of the main themes of the story is that no one has a complete grasp of the big picture, even many of the eldritch beings themselves, which I didn't make super clear. Thank you again for the advice, I'll be sure to keep it all in mind! And I appreciate you saying you'd watch it if it ever became a show :D

I'm glad I could help! I can see from your response that your story is much more developed than the universe page makes it seem (which is understandable and completely fine considering it's already really good!) and I wouldn't be surprised to see it become an actual cartoon in the future! I hope you continue working on this story and that everything works for you! This is honestly sounds like a really fun story and I wish you the best of luck!

(Also, don't worry, people still say "nailed it" lmao. And you used Azazel's pronouns correctly :) )

I don't know if this is the way you respond to a comment but I'm really glad to hear that! Especially the pronoun part, considering I read in your profile that you use the same pronouns as Azazel. In my language there isn't really a consensus on what is the best way to address nb people, and I've mostly seen they/them pronouns in English so I'm really glad I didn't mess that up!

I'm glad I could help! I can see from your response that your story is much more developed than the universe page makes it seem (which is understandable and completely fine considering it's already really good!) and I wouldn't be surprised to see it become an actual cartoon in the future! I hope you continue working on this story and that everything works for you! This is honestly sounds like a really fun story and I wish you the best of luck!

Thanks again; I sure hope it can be a real show in the future :) I wish you luck on any story ideas you're pursuing as well!

And I appreciate you using xe/xem pronouns! Learning to use new pronouns can be hard and a lot of people don't bother trying, so it means a lot. What language do you usually speak, out of curiosity? I know a lot of languages use gendered words whereas many don't, and there seems to be a lot of different ways they go about addressing nb people.

I'm glad I could help! I can see from your response that your story is much more developed than the universe page makes it seem (which is understandable and completely fine considering it's already really good!) and I wouldn't be surprised to see it become an actual cartoon in the future! I hope you continue working on this story and that everything works for you! This is honestly sounds like a really fun story and I wish you the best of luck!

Thanks again; I sure hope it can be a real show in the future :) I wish you luck on any story ideas you're pursuing as well!

And I appreciate you using xe/xem pronouns! Learning to use new pronouns can be hard and a lot of people don't bother trying, so it means a lot. What language do you usually speak, out of curiosity? I know a lot of languages use gendered words whereas many don't, and there seems to be a lot of different ways they go about addressing nb people.

I speak Portuguese and yeah everything has a gender so it's super complicated for nb people and there's always a lot of controversy around the topic so there's still no consensus on what's the best way to use gender-neutral language… But yeah, learning new pronouns in English can be a bit confusing in the beginning. Sometimes you need to read the same thing more than once to see if the "they" is neutrar plural, and it takes some time for the pronouns to come naturally but it's a really small price to pay for other people to feel more comfortable with their gender identity and I think everyone should make an effort to learn someone's preferred pronouns!

Oh, gotcha! My dad's Portuguese, incidentally, but I don't really speak it myself. Yeah, it sounds difficult to figure out neutral language for nonbinary people in that case. I certainly had a hard time with singular 'they' still acting as plural before I realized I was nb myself, lol. And I agree! Even though I'm nb myself, I'm still always learning new pronouns and such, and I think people should be more aware of pronouns outside of he/she/they. People will always be learning, but it's good to use people's pronouns regardless of whether you understand them. I'm glad I found someone who understands! Even some trans people are iffy on neopronouns like xe/xem, so it's nice to find people who don't mind using them, even if they're not used to them!

If you have the time, would you mind looking over my boy Isaac? I'd appreciate it a bunch! And don't be afraid to be brutal lol.

Sure! I'll probably get back to you tomorrow cuz I'm tired and it's kinda late where I live but I'll do my best to be quick!

@Exis

OK, so let's talk about Isaac.
You told me I could be as brutal as I wanted in my review, but there isn't much to even be brutal about if I'm being honest. There is nothing wrong with Isaac. He seems like a likeable character, very nice and sweet and easy to relate to. There is nothing WRONG with Isaac, but there isn't anything RIGHT with him either. He is in no way a bland or underdeveloped character. I think you did a great job writing his "nature" section, and as someone who actually has ADHD in real life, I can say you really nailed your portrayal of it. The problem with Isaac is that he is a bit…basic, and I think you could be so much more than that if you want him to.
When developing characters, I believe the most important thing is thinking about the "whys." You said that Isaac is an atheist, but why? Is he a man of science? Was he raised without religion and never learned to believe in the first place? Does he think if there was a god the world wouldn't be in such a state of chaos? That's the kind of thing many people in real life probably wouldn't be able to answer, we don't always know why we are the way we are and think the things we think, but your characters aren't real people (even if sometimes it feels like they are), and it's your job as a writer to think of the awner to these kinds of questions. That's how you develop your characters.
Of course, you don't need to do this with every single one of your characters, but if you really want your main cast to shine, you not only need to think of who they are, but what made them that way. Think about Isaac as a child, the place where he grew up and how it helped him to become who he is. Think about his political views, even if this isn't the focus of your stories, knowing whether a character is more liberal or conservative tells us a lot about who they are. Think about his dreams and ambitions! His main motivation seems to be self-improvement, which is amazing but doesn't tell us how he fits in your story, so make sure to give him some external goals as well. Think about his relationships with his mum, his friends, and the rest of his family. Think about the person he was, the person he is and the person he wants to be, and then think about how they are similar and how they are different.
I know you probably already know the answer to some of these questions (notebook.ai is great, but you can't put everything you know about your character in their profile), and I don't actually know what your story is about or what Isaac's role is, but I can only work with the information I'm given, and I hope this was at least somewhat helpful. Isaac is a good character, but he could be great with a little more work, and I think you are going in the right direction.
Good luck with your story! And remember: you can always come back here if you need any more help!

Your critique was exactly what I was looking for! I like Isaac, but he just felt a little too 2D for my liking. I think your advice is awesome, and I will definitely continue to work on developing him.

Thank you so much for the help!! <3

Your critique was exactly what I was looking for! I like Isaac, but he just felt a little too 2D for my liking. I think your advice is awesome, and I will definitely continue to work on developing him.

Thank you so much for the help!! <3

I'm glad I could help! I was worried my critique ended up sounded more critical then I intended because I also really liked him, but I felt you needed to work a little bit more on his background. I think what you have so far is great and a really solid base for a great character, now all you have to do is add a little more detail to really make him stand out! If you want me to take another look after you're done it will be a pleasure, but I would also suggest you have someone else take a look at him too so you can have more than one perspective!

Here's mine, if you're willing:

ItD

(Fair warning that this was co-written, so you're going to notice two different writing styles. It's also 40+ chapters long so take your time. I believe that I have commenting on, so please leave comments if that's easier for you to do. You can then critique the chapter on the doc itself!)

ALRIGHT this is 1 year old but I hope you still take requests?? I wish someone else could review my boy Henka (the link is for his Notebook.ai page). A few disclaimers before you read, FIRST, I started using the site recently, so I still didn't have time to write down a few definitions that are already established (just some stuff and it's not very important for his story overall). Also, this character is soooortaa purposefully edgy, so you've been warned xD. I'd love some critisim on him (and anyone else reading this, feel free to do the same if you want!)