forum Hey! You! Help!
Started by @Raziel Gallephraya
tune

people_alt 11 followers

Deleted user

It's public, I checked it.
You did great on her but, I'm not good a critiquing character's so ill let @Masterkey do that.

@WriteOutofTime

Here we go! First off, let me just say something that's a personal opinion and really has nothing to do with anything: when I read Apollo's profile I was SURE Raziel was black. Her being white isn't bad or anything, it just took me a minute to get the other Raziel out of my head…lol. Okay, onwards.

I like her appearance. Her height and weight are nice as they kind of set her apart. I love her mannerisms and the way you explained them. Nice touch. Her motivations are okay, but a little shaky. If she wants people to have answers, why does she sometimes not want to give people answers (and act like an idiot?). Is this something she's frustrated with? I'm thinking at least one of her motivations needs to be more selfish/tangible, like wanting to protect Apollo, wanting to find somewhere she belongs, etc. Not exactly necessary but you can consider it.

Usually I would get on you for only one hobby, but since you added an explanation, I can't complain. Good job on that!

Her personality type is a little all over the place. You need to pin down some details. Who does she not like talking to? Who does she try to gain the attention of? In what circumstances do these facets of her personality shine? It's cool but vague rn.

Favorite color cracked me up. That provided a really good insight into her character. However, c'mon! She needs a favorite food! Just make something up and then justify it.

Loving her backstory. Very rich and in-depth. I enjoyed reading it a lot!

Anyway, good character. Really doesn't need much altering. My critique is just a few suggestions so good luck :)

(alsoconsidermakingherblackjksorrybye)

@Masterkey

Alrighty I'll add my thoughts as I read.

  • How long is her hair? Does she have bangs? Is it layered? Is it straight, wavy, or curly?
  • Cool glasses. I had childhood friends (twin girls) with brightly-colored glasses and that reminded me of them. :)
  • I agree that the motivations are kind of vague, where did she get the motivation to help others and give them answers? Is it from being treated wrongly by people who didn't give her answers she wanted?
  • In what way is she an idiot?
  • Why would she blatantly ignore people if her motivation is to help people? Is that motivation a part of her wanting to become a better person, even if she hasn't become the kind of person who helps other yet?
  • So she makes people feel like idiots because she's good at making connections between events? I'm still kinda confused. Are they jealous of her smarts? Does she reach wrong conclusions about people and they get mad at her?
  • I actually like her personality type, she seems very human to me.
  • For the religion section, is she maybe the "all paths lead to heaven" kind of person?
  • I wish more people on here filled out their characters' political views instead of "they don't care," tbh. So thank ye.
  • Oooh freelance detective. Like Sherlock Holmes and Lord Peter Wimsy. What kind of things did she do to study for becoming a good detective?
  • Reading her background, and I find it hard to believe that NOBODY stood up for her during her entire childhood. There must at least be teachers out there who understand that she went through a lot and just because her parents were bad doesn't mean she is. That's common sense (which I get lots of kids wouldn't understand, sure, though I think one or two would be nice. Most people are), but not even an adult? I kind of think that the only way she would be totally isolated like that is if she didn't give anyone a chance to become her friend. Basically, sure, there would be weird bullies out there. But in the end, if she didn't have any friends, she might have distanced herself.

That's all I have! I like reading detective stories (I loved Nate the Great and Mandy Mysteries when I was little), so this is exciting! Your character is unique and seems like a real person. Good job!

@Celestial-B

I'll have a try!

Ok, you mentioned that she isn't skinny but she isn't chubby. The average weight of someone her height is about 125-160 so idk lol. Good mannerisms! Her flaws are a bit confusing. She hates herself for ignoring people? Then why doesn't she just not do it if it makes her angry? Also, some other things I find confusing, how does solving puzzles and making connections make people hate her? Shouldn't people like her for being good at something like that? You say she makes herself stutter and be rude so the person wont talk to her, but then you say her motivation is to give people the answer they want, so what if they want an answer from her? And she also hates doing that so has she tried to change her habit of that? She also acts like an idiot so people will pay attention to her and yet she doesn't like people to talk to her? Those are kind of contradicting if you ask me. I see you also didn't give her a prejudice, which is very important! Prejudices are what make characters seem more human! Whether it be something small like 'thinks all spiders are dangerous' or something important like 'all (insert certain race) are bad people,' it is honestly a lot more important than most people think! Hmm, her background is ok, some things just don't quite add up. Like, was her father sent to jail? Because that is most likely what happened for attempted murder. But you said she wouldn't look at him which makes me think that he still lived in the home after that. And you said her mother was hospitalized for a few months, not killed. So why was she taken to her aunts when she could have stayed with her mother once she got better? It is also hard to believe that nobody stood up for her, maybe fellow classmates didn't, but someone like her aunt or even a teacher!

Just fix up a few things and I think she'll be good! Good luck and hope I helped.

@Raziel Gallephraya

thank you all so much!! I understand it's a bit all over the place, I'm trying to focus on another character at the same time but I will definitely go over these things, THANK YOU!!!!

@Raziel Gallephraya

I think I might scrap some of the things you all pointed out, and just re-do them because I have a certain character I want her to be, but I'm just not sure how to translate it into words, but again thank you!

@Raziel Gallephraya

Oh yeah, I updated her taking into account the things you all said (THANK YOU SO MUCH) and I'm starting to really like how she's turning out if you want to check that out and see what good you've done haha