forum Here's a fairy tale I've been writing! I've only written three small sections...

Started February 27, 2018 by @Masterkey

tune

… so I'll release each of the three a little bit at a time. Enjoy! And please give me critiques if you have any!

A TALE OF BORED PEOPLE (part 1)

We've all heard the story of the fair maiden cursed to sleep forever. It took one hundred years for a handsome prince to come along and set her free with true love's kiss. It's one of the most famous fairy tales of all time; and the most hated by Our Princess.

Our Princess, named Aveline, detested fairy tales of all sorts. She'd read the entire fairy tale collection in her father's library, and what started out as a love for the stories transformed into a bitter annoyance towards their repeating themes and plots.

"How come every story seems to be like Sleeping Beauty, Papa?" she asked one day.

"I don't know."

"There are quite too many about pretty girls in distress getting rescued," she continued. "It's predictable. And it's not even true. You don't see me going around getting into trouble with a witch and having to be rescued."

Her father sighed in annoyance.

"How come the only things to read in your library are either fairy tales or strategy, Papa? I'm bored."

"Aveline, dear, I happen to be preoccupied at the moment."

"I want to read the new novels that are coming out, Papa! They say the romance and intrigue are far more exciting in those!"

"They'll rot your brain, dear. Now please excuse yourself."

"But I'm booored!"

"Can't you see that my generals and I want to get on with this meeting? Please be sure to knock when you come to a closed door next time, dear."

"Humph! You don't care about my threatening state of boredom–or me! You'll be sorry–"

"–So, gentlemen, Knor has been in control of the mountain pass for quite some time now, charging imports and exports far too heavily. Now–"

"–I'll whine and complain until you get me those novels! I'll–"

"–we must decide if we should demand they uphold their end of the treaty, and if they don't, should we seize control of the trade route ourselves?–"

"–You're not even listening! FATHERRR–"

"–(Please remove her, Reginald.) Any different suggestions on our next course of action?"

"Humph!" and Our Princess was escorted firmly by the arm out the door, Reginald taking the extra precaution to lock the door after it closed.

Scenes like this became a regular occurrence at the royal palace. Being an avid reader in a library full of books you've already read and don't particularly like feels like a crime. She grew so extremely bored day by day that the average person to get a glimpse of her face was most likely to see a scowl. Aveline spent her days oozing around the castle and telling everyone who would listen about how dreadful her life was. The servants were entirely fed up with her by the end of the month, and they scolded her for her behavior until she fired them. (The king would always secretly hire them back, of course.)

No one could possibly entertain this brat of a girl. Everyone in the castle had grown excessively weary simply by living in the same space as she lived, and Our poor Princess couldn't see herself for what she truly was. She thought that her father should suffer the natural consequence of letting his own daughter go mad, that she was behaving fairly. Thus, Someone decided to do Something about it. And it may be later argued that this Something might have been too harsh, but it certainly did the trick.

She was cursed to sleep forever, as in the fairy tales she had grown to hate, with her mind forced to stay awake. While her body remained frozen, her eyes closed, and her tongue tied, Our Princess remained conscious. "It's like a cruel joke," was her first thought as a damsel in distress.

woah. the ending is not what I expected. A fairy-tale hating princess becomes a fairy-tale princess. I love it!!
Now for a little critiquing:
During the dialog between the father and princess, you have 16 straight pieces of dialog with only one action thrown into the mix the entire time. The dialog itself is really good. You get a clear voice with both characters. The problem is the visualization of the convo. Tell me the princess stomped her foot. Tell me she leaned in close, pouting her lips. Tell me she rolled her eyes to heaven. Then talk about the father. Give me clues to what he's thinking in his actions. Tell me his lips tightened in annoyance. Show his frustration in what he does.
Little grammar note: Don't use parenthesis in dialog ."–(Please remove her, Reginald.) Any different suggestions on our next course of action?" becomes "-please remove her, Reginald. Any different suggestions on our next course of action?" You could even add action in the middle of that to bring it to life even more.
Also, is the capitalized "Someone" and "Something" in the next to last paragraph intentional? (I get the feeling it is, because its almost like text speech and I totally get the humor in it) Either way, I was always told as a writer to never use the words someone and something because it was lazy. I, of course, use those words all the time–when I'm being lazy. The problem with those is that they can always be exchanged for something (see there I go again) more specific. For example, in my last sentence I could have used the phrase "a word that's". I find that if it doesn't matter at all, using "something" can suffice easily. By using those words, you are also communicating to the reader that the detail doesn't matter to the plot or storyline at all.
What I'm trying to say is this: evaluate that plot point. Does it matter who choose to put the princess under a curse? Will the princess, if she ever wakes, be affected by the "who" that did the thing?
If the answer is yes, cut the word "someone" and make it specific.
Anyways, that's mostly all I got! Great work and I enjoyed the twist at the end thoroughly!! Keep it up :)))

Thanks for the advice! I'll take it

I think the idea for the dialogue thing was to make it surprising that she had just walked in on a war meeting, and that's why I didn't add description. But I agree with you now, and I don't have to give aeay that it's a war meeting while I describe their mannerisms while talking.

As for the capitalized Someone and Something, I was basically copying a method done by one of my favorite fairy tale authors, and it's probably in other stories, too. I think I did that to also tell the reader that that somebody is important and you should look out for them. Does that mske sense?

I honestly think it's fine as long as the who in the what gets explained later :) keep it up! I wanna see how this ends

I have three more sections of similar length, if you'd like to read and critique those as well. Don't feel obligated, I know that there are TONS of people on here sharing stuff, and people don't have tons of time to go through it all.

I've got time for you! I'm interested in this fairy-tale and tbh im probably never going to read everything that is posted on the site, so bring it on!!

OKAY here's the second part:

When Aveline's servant first discovered that she wouldn't wake up in the morning, the girl screamed and ran out of the room, yelling for someone to call a doctor. Other servants rushed in and inspected the princess for themselves, concluding that she seemed to be in a healthy slumber that she couldn't be awoken from. Some shouted sorcery. Others blessed the heavens, assuming the gods had finally heard their prayers.

All the while Aveline lay there, unable to speak her mind. And her mind was a hectic, raging pot of fury and frustration. "How dare someone do this to me?!" she thought. She knew that she had been "punished" somehow (she was a smart girl at heart, though willfully ignorant toward the feelings of others), but refused to even consider being remorseful for her actions. She was royalty after all.

When the palace physician arrived, he confirmed the servants' judgement of the situation, and proceeded to prick Aveline's feet with needles. That method was dropped and the doctor next opted to propping her up and dropping ice down her back. Several pinches ensued. He pulled up her eyelid and slapped her gently in the face. Nothing seemed to work.

One mischievous page who hated the princess with all his guts innocently volunteered to knock her over the head with a frying pan he so happened to come across. The princess wanted to roll her eyes so badly that the first sign of any contrition on her part arrived in the thought of, "I never appreciated the privilege it was to roll one's eyes. What a shame."

The doctor replied to the page, "Alright, but make it gentle. Can't have the opposite effect, now." The princess couldn't believe her ears. But all the staff knew how she had embarrassed the page in front of the entire court, including his would-be sweetheart, by asking of him ridiculous requests that she knew he'd have to come back reporting his failure to do again and again. The court never heard those requests, only saw the page's incompetence. When the page had decided to avoid her instead, she settled on tripping him and making him spill wine all over the guests, and then laughing at him. The princess had decided that there was nothing else entertaining to do, and no one could accuse her for it. It was only after the palace physician had found him crying in a broom cupboard as he was passing by that the truth of the matter came out. None of the servants could do anything about it. Until now.

Unfortunately for the princess, even a hard knock to the head with a frying pan couldn't have rendered her unconscious. She had to live with the pain. When the king and queen arrived at the moment of the page performing this treatment, already knowing what had happened from the message summoning them, the doctor explained that the situation had become dire and they had had no choice anyway. Aveline expected her parents to command the beheading of the dreadful doctor and page at once, but the king merely said, "I understand. I am only interested in as to why this page was performing the task."

"He's my apprentice, My King." The palace physician had a smooth tongue. It was how he got promoted to the palace in the first place, and how he managed to calm any patient.

"I see." The king fell silent for a long moment.

"I shall try my best to find a cure for this strange sleep," the doctor said. "And I already have a plan."

"I would be pleased to discuss it with you in my chambers, if you would," the king said. He then ordered everyone to get back to their duties, and for the princess' attendees to make her as comfortable as possible.

Our Princess believed that she was the most miserable creature on earth, which was the second step toward feeling even a bit of guilt for her previous attitudes.

THANKS FOR READING :D

oh this IS interesting!! in a strong fairy-tale voice, the narration sets up a clear and simple character arc, as wells adding bits of very funny humor! I am here for it
Little grammar/stylistic note: The parenthesis in the middle of the sentence–
"She knew that she had been "punished" somehow (she was a smart girl at heart, though willfully ignorant toward the feelings of others), but refused to even consider being remorseful for her actions. She was royalty after all."
The stuff in the parenthesis is a complete thought, so it'd be much easier, and would flow smoother if it was just a separate sentence. Like this maybe:
"She knew that she had been "punished" somehow, but refused to even consider being remorseful for her actions. She was a smart girl at heart, though willfully ignorant toward the feelings of others. She was royalty after all."
You can move the sentence anywhere you want really, but I would suggest moving it out of the parenthesis for your flow's sake.

And honestly, that's all ive got. Of course, there's always refining that could be done, but it'd be extremely nitpicky.
I find it entertaining and funny and the voice is somehow casual but formal at the same time, like telling a casual tale in a formal way or maybe vice versa, but either way I love it. Keep it up!!

Yeah you're right, I will remove those parentheses. It actually did seem to flow way better the way you had it.

I'll just go ahead and send you the third and fourth parts right here then. :P That's all I've written of it so far, but it would be cool if you could keep giving me that advise and also tell me what you think about the direction of the plot! Thanks so much!

Back in the king's chambers, the palace physician layed out his plan.

"We advertise to the surrounding nations that a princess has been cursed, see," the doctor started. "And princes will line up to be interviewed. If they pass the interview, they can then attempt to kiss the princess and awaken her through true love."

"I'm not sure I follow," the king replied, astounded. The doctor paused, leaning back in his chair with a thoughtful expression on his face, as if he were weighing what he was about to say.

"Look," he finally continued, leaning forward with his elbows propped on his knees. "It's no secret that the palace staff, and much of your own people, dislike your royal daughter."

"Yes," the king nodded, crossing his arms.

"I would happily let her sleep forever." The king paused.

"True."

"However, I have the kingdom's best interests at heart," the doctor said. "It's obvious to me that she was punished by the gods in the most ironic fashion possible, and it's only reasonable to assume that she would be set free through the most ironic method. If we spread the word to the surrounding nations, an alliance with one of them could easily be struck through this 'true love's kiss.'"

"I think I understand you quite plainly, now." The king nodded slowly and smiled, a glint of gold in his eye. He was a terribly greedy king at heart, and ridiculous fairy tale plans were fine with him if it meant getting a new wardrobe. At least now you know where the princess got it from. "Your skills as a physician amaze me once again. Let us send the word at once!" The palace physician nodded approvingly at his work. He had used his "skills as a physician" to convince the king of many a thing, such as how conquering a certain state would be best for the nation's health, or how striking up a certain trade deal would please the goddess of fertility. The doctor had formed a following amidst the palace staff as well, and the king trusted him with his life, literally. "I don't really want to rule," the doctor said to himself. "But if I happen to change the world through simply being around, so be it."

The doctor's plan went into motion at once. The princess was not thrilled when she got word of it, but what say had she in the matter?

Despite Aveline's bad reputation, princes upon princes, young and old, lined up outside the palace gates. It was no secret that she was breathtakingly beautiful, and the kings of the surrounding nations (who desired any alliance they could get) convinced their sons through this fact. The Ogre of Chestermut, dubbed so for being the ugliest prince on earth, was the first to arrive. The twelve princes of Ajifudge all lined up next, the eldest being fifty-one and the youngest being four. The king of Ajifudge was taking no chances. Prince Alab of Alab-Alabi arrived with his entourage of princesses that he had picked up throughout seeking his fortune, not quite decided on which he wanted to marry yet. He just figured that he might as well rescue all the princesses available before making such a life-changing decision.

Many, many more kept arriving. Only a few passed the interview stage, which the queen ran. The king had given her a list of the the nations which he most desired an alliance with, and told her to steer clear of their worst enemies and their best allies. "We don't need any of them," he'd said, despite their worst enemy being the land of wizards, Mogag. It was only a matter of time before the world was conquered by this magical nation, and the only states that escaped bloodshed did so through surrender. But so far no one seemed to care, since Mogag provided magic lessons for all. Life was good in the empire of Mogag.

The queen, however, didn't understand the point of the list and simply let the most gorgeous men pass. The Ogre of Chestermut wasn't allowed in the interview chamber, since the queen was deathly afraid of catching whatever ugly spell was upon him. The prince of Mogag, in possession of a handsome face, arrived in sparkling blue robes while displaying glowing magic tricks of butterflies and glitter; he was let inside the princess' room at once.

But sadly, all seemed to fail. Not one of the nineteen princes ultimately allowed inside over the weeks of interviews (for the queen was a very cruel judge) were able to awaken the princess. The peasants of the land tried to start a petition to allow anyone to try their luck, but they were shut down in days. A year passed by. People slowly began to forget about her. The palace itself began to forget about her. No one seemed to miss her, although the king was a bit bummed at not getting a new alliance like the palace physician had promised.

After two years of being imprisoned, Aveline started to realize all that this curse entailed. She wasn't merely a damsel in distress, she was a victim of her own mistakes. She began to suspect that part of the deal was being ignored, a revelation that came about by her thoroughly examining her previous actions. Since she had hated fairy tales, she received a fairy tale punishment. Since she loved to talk, she was allowed to stay awake but forever have her lips sealed. Since she loved attention, everyone was made to forget her. The patterns were now painfully obvious to her, and worst of all, she was more bored than she had ever been while she had been awake and complaining that there was nothing to do. Oh how privileged she used to be! Aveline wished she could at least cry about it.

After three years, the tower that her room was at the top of slowly became overgrown with vines. No one seemed to notice. After four years, the key to her chambers was lost by a careless servant, and no one felt the need to replace it. After five years, the arched opening to the staircase that lead up to her tower was seen as a mistake in the palace's architecture, and the king ordered a wall to be erected and then decorated with a family portrait. The portrait did not include Aveline.

Ten years later, Aveline had started to collect quite a lot of dust–something no one mentions in fairy tales (because it ruins the magic). But if you were to peruse The Guide Book for Rescuing Damsels (required reading for all princes and up-and-coming protagonists), you would see clear as day: "Step 1C–don't forget your feather duster."

Aveline was just about going mad. She was in a constant daze, hardly grasping the passing of time anymore. Simply laying there for a year had felt like a hundred years. You could say Aveline almost ceased to be alive by year fifty. In the eyes of the Someone who cursed her, this simply could not do. That Someone had wanted her to feel the agony more acutely by always staying awake, but apparently they hadn't really thought things through. To this day, I'm not even sure that Someone even knew how to break the curse. They simply hadn't thought of it. But that kind of flexibility is sort of required of those insane enough to be powerful and evil at the same time.

That Someone visited Aveline in her mind.

"Hello." Aveline was jerked out of the depths of her gloom and self-pity by that deafening noise. She hadn't heard anyone speak to her for at least forty-five years, so it was understandable that she felt as though her skull was splitting in two. She screamed and cursed in her imagination, hoping whoever had yelled at her was listening.

"Oh stop that, you've always been such a brat," Someone said. It was a She, of course. Only "she"s can be witches, and it should have been obvious by now that it was a witch that cursed Aveline. Her voice felt grating and squeaky to Our Princess' sensitive ears, but in reality, it was one of the most beautiful voices to have ever taken to the air–and probably the most deadly. Rarely could anyone hear her voice and live to describe it. I of course got out with only a few scratches, but I still don't really know how to describe it.

"Anonymous insults are probably the saddest thing I've ever heard, you know," Aveline said, still in her thoughts. "It must be difficult to bear being such a coward." The Witch barely stopped herself before she gave away her name, obviously taken aback and left wanting to brag about her name and credentials as the most dangerous human alive on the spot. But she didn't believe in monologuing, so she moved on.

"It seems I was mistaken about your state of mind," the Witch replied. "I would have thought that in all your misery, you would have been driven to madness."

"Well, I have been. If you had approached me earlier, I probably would have been frightened. You seem powerful to be able to speak into people's minds." Aveline paused for a moment. "On second thought, your voice sounds like my uptight cousin Godfrey, and he was all talk and no show." Instantly Aveline felt a sharp pulse throughout her body. "Ow!" Tears of pain came to her eyes. "No need to get so offended!"

"That was barely a drop of my power, brat," the Witch snickered. "You've been numb for so long it must have felt like lightning!"

"I guess so." Our Princess welcomed any change from the previous decades of the silent treatment. Understandably, after the few minutes of coming into contact with this blunt Aveline, the Witch decided to change tactics. Intimidation was usually her grand opening, but recently it wasn't proving to be as satisfying.

"Nevermind all that, I'm here to strike a deal," the Witch said.

"Hold it," Our Princess said. "I don't make deals with strangers. Much less strangers who try to insult me without owning their insult."

"My name is Gollatica Morsul." The Witch was growing impatient. "Satisfied?"

"Hm… Well you see, you're still a stranger. I haven't gotten to know you yet. What's your favorite color?"

"ENOUGH!" the Witch roared. "I've changed my mind. I'll be back in twenty years to strike the deal, so in your future solitude, think about what you've done."

"Wait don't go!" But it was too late. Silence enveloped her once again. "I suppose I got too carried away…" Aveline thought. She spent the next twenty years lamenting the loss of a possible friend to keep her company.

Woah!! This is honestly a very unique idea and I'm loving it. You seemed to not know what to do with the last bit of it, though introducing the antagonist was good.
This fairy-tale, like most of it's kind, is fast paced and told by a narrator who is a kind of character in their own right and you did it very well.
This means that since the story as a whole is fast paced, all of the dialog needs to be of vital importance to be included. That being said, imo only, I would have cut the last dialog of the Witch (the Someone, very nice reveal there) and the princess into the bare minimum, cutting anything that is unnecessary to plot or character development.
And in the tail end, I probably wouldn't have made the princess wait another 20 years but I have no clue what's coming next and obviously 20 years is a significant plot point, so as long as you use that well, it'll be all good.
Grammar wise, only a picky thing:
"She wasn't merely a damsel in distress, she was a victim of her own mistakes." becomes "She wasn't merely a damsel in distress; she was a victim of her own mistakes." because there is not a conjunction between the two complete sentences.

Possible endings that I envisioned while reading: A commoner saving her or maybe a really ugly dude, but I like the commoner idea better. It'd get kinda an Aladdin feel to an already Sleeping Beauty type feel.

Overall, the tone of the entire thing feels like a satire of a classic fairy-tale, or an ironic parody and I find it hilarious. I'm here for it! Keep it up! Hopefully the princess will fix her bad attitude and maybe find a prince in the end :)

Dude my idea was to have a commoner to save her as well! Some random Joe Shmo who's also bored to death. Hence the title, a tale of bored PEOPLE. The next section I'm writing is gonna be about where the kingdom is at right now, and then the next one will be about him.

Would it be alright to leave the dialogue in for comedy's sake, but add more crucial details in addition to it? What do you think about that?

And for the 20 years thing, I'm trying to have her be cursed for such a long time that eventually the castle is abandoned, but I also didn't want to just skip over like 200 years with nothing in between. Can you think of a more tactful way to do that maybe?

All your advice has been really great, thank you so much. I appreciate you taking the time to read all of this, it makes me feel good. :D

Honestly, skipping 200 years in the narrative would be just fine. Lots of fairy-tales and long term stories do it. Maybe you could have the Witch give the ultimatum: "get rid of your bad attitude that we're all sick of or i'll leave you here for 200 years." and the princess is like "No!" and then boom 200 years passes.
The dialog thing is not a big deal, nor does it ruin any bit of the story. I just suggested cutting it to keep the style more uniform. But it's up to you! You get to create your own narrative style!
YAAS! I love the idea of a bored commoner saving her it fits so well with her story and theme. The dude isn't trying to give her attention in order to gain for himself (like the alliance with the other princes) and the princess isn't demanding his attention

Okay great! I like that idea of just BOOM 200 years pass. It would probably be funnier than what I have there now.

Thanks for eveything! I can't wait to finish this, it's been a lot of fun. It's basically my break from the serious novel I'm working on.

Dude kudos to you for being able to do two things at once. The one thing im working on is the one thing i'm working on, period. and i get about 300 words a day :// im so slow

300 words a day is way better than what I'm at, I'm still at the plotting, worldbuilding, and characterization point. It's been taking me for freaking ever. I used to be a faster writer when I wrote every day, but I slowed down considerably after taking like a year or two of a break. Now it takes me like a half hour to write a section the size of one of the ones up there.

did i mention it takes 4 hours to get 300 words? i used to write everyday too by setting a timer for 10 minutes and writing whatever came into my head, but my life got super busy and now im slow again. so i feel ya lol

It's okay! Let's both vow to push ourselves toward writing speed and excellence (lol I'm going to college in the fall, and I want my writing speed to be fast before I go).

Yeah!!! (but same i'm going to be a senior in high school and i have to write a 18 page thesis)

Jeez Louise, good luck

thanks im gonna need it :///

heyo, @Masterkey do you wanna read my WIP? The full thing at this point is 7.4k words or I can give you a smaller bit at a time if you want? I would love ideas and feedback! no rush tho!

Yeah sure! You could send it to me all at once tho, and I'll try to read at least one chapter every other day if that sounds good.

Do you want to do private for that? Or email?