forum Does anyone want to give me there best critique on a chapter of mine?

Started January 28, 2018 by @itskayhere

tune

I need a second opinion.

Yeah, hit me with it :D

"I am going to hell" I muttered to myself as Ipicked my jeans up off the floor. I threw them on the bed and walked to the door to close it, but I heard a familiar giggle that was in my ear last night. I looked out into the hallway and saw Asha with ared head and blonde getting on to the elevator. Asha was blushing while the other to were screaming happily in her ear not giving a fuck about her ear drums.

I closed the door, and went back my suitcase and pulled out my laptop and put it on the table where Asha and I just had breakfast. I opened the laptop lid and turned it back on.

As I waited for that I decided, or my body decided, that it was time for more coffee. I walked back to the cart and picked up the coffee pot and poured it into my coffee cup it used earlier. As I filled it to the rim, my phone started to ring. I put the coffee pot down and picked my phone up from the table stand, I saw who it was and rolled my eyes. Veronica. I declined the called and sent her a text.

To Vee: Stop calling me, I'm serious this time. Do not call text or contact me in anyway. LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!!!

And then I deleted the phone number,after I locked my phone my laptop chimed. I walked back to my laptop and saw a face time notification from Bailey. I accepted the call and smiled seeing my sisters and brother on the other side.

"When are you coming back home?" Bailey asked me quickly.

"I'll be home tonight I promise babe." I told her, she looked content with my answer and waved goodbye leaving her phone with the twins. Why did I give her that she seven?

They sat there and stared at me. "What?" I asked them. "Is that a sign that there's a gun to your head?"

"Jeremiah had agirl over last night." Fi smirked andher boy version look alike rolled his eyes.

"First off all we were studying, in the living room with Bailey watching, Idon't know the fucking wiggles. It was PG, hell G." Jeremiah explained to me. "It was all math, math, math with her."

"As in Alexayour tutor, who kindly offered to tutor you for free?" I asked fascinatedly. “First off all Fi, your brother doesn’t have a shot with AlexaGoldman, she’s a volleyball player with straight A’s. And he plays guitar in his room and makes C’s.”

Fiona laughed and shook her head. "How was your first day of school?" I asked them.

"It was eh, Iguess?" Fiona answered looking down at her phone. "Oh I got a job." She shouted excitedly with smile on her face.

"Really? When did youapply?" I asked curiously.

"A few months ago for the summer but the were all book on employees. One just quit so the manager said thay Icould work weekends, so it wouldn't interfere with my school work." She explained to happily. "Now Idon't have to keep asking you for money, I'll have my own soon and then I can move out and live with daddy."

"Yeah, Fi. You do that." I smiled for encouragement. I was proud thay she went out there and got a job, also one that could work around her school schedule. My eyes darted to Jeremiah to see him looking at I'm assuming the tv. "And you Jeremiah?"

"Nope, I'm still taking your money. I like it here." He answer with a devilish smirk. I looked at the time and it was getting close to 10:00.

"Look, Ihave ameeting to get to and then I'll be on my way home possibly before dinner alright." I told them as I waved goodbye. They said bye and I exited the face time app.

Iopened my email and saw a new message from Clementine my lawyer. I opened the message and saw that it was telling me about anew assistant.

So apparently my current assistant just had ababy out if nowhere and wants to stay home with the kid. Well one congrats Skylar and Dylan, and two fuck you for leaving me with a new assistant.

Skylar knew everything before Iasked for it. Knew the way I liked my coffee, how to properly clean the community fridge without being asked. That wasn't even a part of his job description yet he did it anyway, he also picked Bailey and the twins up from school if Icouldn't. You know all two of the times I asked.

All the email said was; forgot her name but she is pretty. She is eighteen and her last name is Peters. College graduate with a bachelors and apparently is a super genius. Graduated high school when she was fourteen and moved on to college.

And you now have a nameless Assistant who is better than you. ;P

Ps how was your date??

And I replied: Shut Up.

“This? This is all youhave to offer us?” Mel shouted at the landlord who was leaning against the railing near the apartment door. “No, we are giving $500 and this is already the slums of Seattle how much do you want to have a mold-free bathroom?”

“$1000.” He smirked as he reached for Mel’s long red hair, and she slapped his hand away and kicked his shin. She then grabbed my hand we walked down the stairs to leave the apartment building. I was tired and hungry, also very irritated.

“Mel, we need a place to stay. I can’t see why we can’t crash with Rae, she said that there is a pullout couch we can have.” I told her as we headed to the bus stop bench.

“I love Rae just as much as you do.” She said before she sighed annoyingly. “But I want a place where I don’t have to look over my shoulder all the time, or locking the door behind me.”

“This is a terrible neighborhood, we aren’t going to find that here.” I told her and she rolled eyes.

“No shit sherlock.” She laughed and side hugged me. The bus finally came and we swiped our bus passes and sat down next to each other. As the bus pulled away Ifelt my phone vibrate in my hand, I unlocked and saw a message from Justin.

Justin: Findyour dream home yet.

Me: Nada, unless you can find a place we can get for $1,000.

Justin: haha, unless you want to live in south side. Been there, never want to go back.

Me: To good for the ghetto??

“Who the hell are you texting?” Mel asked nearly causing me to jump out of my skin.

“I’m trying to find aplace to eat.”I said quickly hoping she believed me. I exited the conversation and went to google to find something good in this town.

“Can you find something with agood salad?” She asked me. Mel is vegan, has been for the last two years. When we were fifteen we saw a documentary in class and she became vegetarian and then she watched another video on YouTube and became vegan.

“There is no ‘good salad’ Mel.” I told her as I continued my search for good food,that included a salad for the vegan. Also, vegans don’t eat just salads they eat other things too but this one wants to eat asalad for some reason.

An hour later we got off of the bus which was in the city and where there was a lot of food options for the both of us and another apartment nearby.

Justin: Can I take you out tonight?

Me: I would love that but I’m stuck apartment shopping. Where a good place to eat??

Justin: Val’s you like pasta and they have some veganstuff for your friend, who’s name Ican’t remember.

“Can you stop texting lover boy for a minute, so we can find a place to live.” Mel demanded taking my phone away dropping it in her purse. We stopped in front of a coffee shop there were some roommate availabilities and houses and apartments for rent. There were forty papers and each of them had about ten tabs on them to pull off and take with you.

Ispotted one in a zip code of a neighborhood that a had alow crime rate and a $900 first deposit. “Mel I found one.” I told her taking it down giving it to her. She read over it and smile came on her face, and then smiled at me. “Did I find a good one?”

“Yes you did.” She beamed throwing her fist in the air in joy. “You go order us some food and I will call them.” She told me pushing me into the restaurant. I walked to the register and looked up at the small menu. Coffee and Teas,Sandwiches and Salads, and Pasta.

"Hi welcome to Destiny's I'm Fiona how can I help you?" A perky blonde asked me as Icontinued to read the board. "And if I screw up I am very sorry its only my second day." She gave asmall snicker.

"How oldare you?" I asked curiously.

"16." She told me. "And you?"

"I'm 18." I answered her. “Are you guys hiring by chance?”

“You’d have to call our big boss and he isn’t here today. But if you take one of these cards.” She said pointing down in front of the register where so cards laid. “Youcan call tomorrow around eight or nine, that’s usually when he comes in.” She clarified,and I nodded in understanding.

“Thank you.” I told her. “Um what’s the best thing on the menu?” I asked her looking up at the ten-item menu. Two coffees, two teas, two hot cocoas, two fries, and two sandwiches. Super simple, I love it.

“Fries are great, Sweet Potato or Regular, and all of our fries are fried in peanut oil.”She said squinting her eyes trying to remember the menu.

“I will take two orders of fries, and a coffee with almond milk and a lemon iced tea.” I told her as she pressed somethings onthe computer screen. She chewed her bottom lip as she carefully tried to find all the right buttons. On the small screen on my side popped upit said $8.25. Itook out my wallet and took a five-dollar bill and four ones,giving her $9.00 in total. She put the money in the drawer and gave me $0.75 back. I took the that change in put it the jar for tips. “Sorry, I don’t have ajob yet so.”

“No worries, thanks any way…”

“Asha. Asha Nadine Peters.” I answered her. I looked behind me to see if anyone was behind me in line and there wasn’t and Mel was still on the phone. “So, are you still in high school?”I askedher.

“Yeah, My Twin Brother and Ijust started our senior year at Jefferson High school this week.”She told me. “Did you just graduate from Jefferson, since your eighteen and all.”

“Oh, no. We aren’t from here.” I told her. “We are from a small town in Oregon. It’s called Blue River County.”

“I heard of that isn’t there a great college there, Iwas looking at it a few months ago with my older brother, Justin. Isn’t that a super Brainiac college that’s basically ivy league and its free for like extremely gifted smart kids like”she explained and smiled at the endand pointed at me. “You went to Blue River College, didn’t you?” She asked me.

“Osteology and forensic anthropology. I also know alot of math.” I told her trying to say it in a nonpretentious way.

“Hey my brother, has some money. I mean he hates saying it like that but he does.” She chuckled lightly. “If your good at math I would love it if you can tutor me if you can?” she offered me. “I need tutoring you need the money, it’s a win-win situation.”

“That would be great, but you should probably ask him first.” I told her. I can’t just agree to be aminor’s tutor without their parent or guardians consent.

“Oh, no worries here he is.” She said pointing at the glass door, I turned around saw afamiliar looking blond and a short red head walking to the restaurant. Then Mel came walking in nearly pushing them out of the way running her fingers through her long red hair.

She grabbed my hand and pulled me aside and Iwaved bye to Fiona at the desk and turned my attention to Mel. “What’s wrong, you seem upset?”

“Yes Asha, I am because we don’t have a place fucking to live and Iam hungry and I am tired and Iwant to wash my hair because it stinks and my arm pits are sticky.”She said screaming loud enough for me to jump. I don’t do loud and she knows that. She held on to my shoulder and said that she was sorry for screaming in front of me. “I didn’t mean to trigger you, I’m just irritated that’s all you understand right?” and Inodded in response.

“Asha?” I looked at Mel and she looked over my shoulder and then back to me and smirked. I turned and saw Justin standing there with the small red head child attached at his hip. Judging by her height she to be no more than seven, eight at the most.

“Oh, what a small-small world.” Mel smirked again. “Is this who you were texting all morning?” again I nodded in response. Mel took her arms down and walked over to Justin and smiled at him. “Do you live here or are you a stalker?”

“Live here.” He answered looking at Mel.

“How do you know my brother?” Fiona asked us.

“A date.” Mel answered before I could.

“Awesome. Justin, Asha said that she could tutor me of you agree to it. Can she? She just moved here and needs ajob anyway, plus she went to Blue River College.”Fiona bragged to her older brother, they had a great resemblance but I knew that wasn’t her twin.

“Do you and blonde girl’s name I don’t went there too?” He asked me, or well Mel. And I nodded. “And you don’t have aplace to stay?”for the fourth time I nodded. “If you two can tutor or babysit, Ihave apool house I never use, You two can have it for cheap rent, if you want?”

Sorry I copied and pasted from my email to here while on my phone. Some of the words latched on to another like "Icould" instead of "I could"

Also between Shut Up and "This?" Is three weeks between

That was a good read! I enjoyed it so far, and especially loved the family dynamics. XD

So I'm kind of confused, who was narrating for the first half? Asha was narrating the second part, I know that at least. It was a bit hard to keep track of all the characters. I don't know if this is going to be the first chapter of the book, but that probably wouldn't be a good idea since there are so many characters introduced at once. Or maybe it'll just make more sense once you do the edit for a second draft and everything. :)

I also thought it could've been more descriptive in some sections, and less descriptive in others. For example, you don't have to describe every little movement, like in the part where she figures out the buttons, Asha hands her a specific amount of money, she hands her back a specific amount of change, Asha puts it in the tip jar. It could've been a more simple thing like, "I made my order and the girl struggled with the buttons for a few long seconds, and after I payed she handed me seventy-five cents that I put in the tip jar." (Then you could have the exchange where Asha says she has no money.) I don't know exactly, but I think it could be simplified. It's tedious to read every action and movement. You could definitely simplify a lot of these types of descriptions in this chapter, because I feel that they're unnecessary.

And then for areas that I think could have used more description really boils down to how the character feels in their environment. As in the five senses. What is Asha seeing? What is she hearing? What is she smelling? Tasting? Feeling? And then you can go down to the moods of the place she's in, and moods of the people around her, stuff like that. And you don't have to describe all five senses every time, just what is necessary to convey how it FEELS to be at each specific scene. Maybe for a horse race, sounds could be given preference in the description. Maybe at a theme park, sights. On a hike, the scenery and how the weather feels. And once you go through to edit, simplify. Lots of the time writers end up putting in too much fluff (fancy words and over-description), that could be simplified or just cut out.

Ultimately, it'll be up to you to figure out how you want to describe everything! There's no right way to do it, because there are so many different types of books. It'll take hard work and practice to figure out what works best for you. So far, I think this story has a lot going for it! I like the set-up and the characters, and I'm interested in what it's going to turn into. :) Keep it up and good luck!