If anyone could critique this action scene please do! I'm kinda new to this whole thing, so anything helps. I thought it should be short because if this actually happened in rl, then it would last less then a minute.
“I am [Elephant].” He said in a rough voice, scratchy from disuse. “I come for the heart of Hearts.” And with that, he ripped out a short jagged knife and threw it at my mother. She drops out of her chair and on the floor, where a red stain quickly seeps out. {Sister elephant} lets out a scream and runs as a slew of men drop from the ceiling on ropes. A hand closes over my mouth and around my waist and pulls me back, screaming and kicking. The arms drag me backward into the hall, as I catch the last glimpse of my family.
“You'll thank me for this one day,” Says a voice. I hardly have time to process the words before the world goes black.
(Wait… are they literally elephants?) Lemme just say, if you're new to writing, this is good! Keep at it!
The first thing I noticed is that you switch between present tense and past tense, so you should try to pick the one you think is best.
I don't really like the phrase "and with that." It doesn't sound very serious to me. You could easily cut it out, or maybe replace it with "The moment he finished speaking, he ripped out a short jagged knife…"
Also, sometimes you need more specifics to make it easier for the reader to visualize. From where did he rip out the knife? A sheath on his side? A body? A nearby tree? From where was the stain of blood seeping out? Her shirt? Her thigh? Her arm?
Then this sentence: “A hand closes over my mouth and around my waist and pulls me back, screaming and kicking." sounds like the HAND is screaming and kicking. :P You could put the screaming and kicking part into the next line, like "As I scream and kick the arms drag me back into the hall, and I catch the last glimpse of my family."
Then just in general, using exact and vivid verbs really spice up action scenes! Using adverbs to spice up a plain or common verb isn't advisable. Not saying that this specific scene needs more exact verbs, but just to help you in the future. So for example, instead of using "throw" you could say "hurled," "shot," "pitched," "flung," etc. It gives the scene more flavor. :) (DON'T say something like "quickly threw.")
Hope those help! I know it seems like a wrote a lot, but it's not actually that much so don't be discouraged!
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