forum Critique, Please!
Started by @HumCat
tune

people_alt 12 followers

@Masterkey

I'll just write comments as I read through it.

  • "Out of curiosity" questions: Where did his feathers come from? Why does he willingly harm himself by scratching his neck? Why does he keep his left eye closed?
  • I think that people can "live for the sake of living," but that doesn't mean they don't have any goals or dreams, short term or long term. That section is usually for what drives your character through the story. One of the best ways to create conflict in a story is to give your character something that they want, and then put something in the way of what they want. So what does Ran want?
  • Whom is Ran clingy towards? The two friends you listed?
  • Everybody has some sort of prejudice. Sometimes they direct people's whole mindsets, and sometimes they're so small that it's easy to overcome them. Usually prejudices weaken as people mature, but that doesn't mean they go away altogether. So for me, I used to have an automatic dislike for those who like a movie, TV show, or book that I thought was idiotic or just REALLY bad. I automatically thought that they must be stupid, too. But that's a very unreliable way to judge someone's intelligence, and it rarely tells me if someone is actually stupid or not–because it's just a prejudice, a matter of opinion, with no basis in reason. XD My prejudice has basically been proven wrong every time, and I've learned to ignore it most times.
  • Any other talents besides dancing? He doesn't necessarily HAVE to be good at anything else though, he can still be good at lots of things without really being talented in it. Is he talented at ice magic?
  • Staring for hours counts! Maybe you should put "spacing out" in his mannerisms, too. Is his brain thinking during that time?
  • What's the rehab facility? Is it specifically for former slaves?
  • "The guy loves food too much to have a favorite." Tag yourself. XD
  • So you could probably make the backstory more detailed. Like, where was he a slave? How many different owners did he have, what kind of work did he do? What happened to his family? How did he cope through all of this? How was he freed? What kind of physical and mental problems has he carried away from this horrible experience that he's going to multiple hospitals for?
  • Another suggestion I have is to write a section in his personality type for how others perceive him verses how he perceives himself. That would help you flesh out his personality. And it would help you write him on paper, since who people think he is verses who HE thinks he is will be the difference in how he acts on paper and how he thinks on paper. And it's real to life. You as the author know exactly who he is, and you're the only one who really does. He won't know himself totally, and others won't know him totally, but the two perceptions are both important parts of who he is. Sorry, I kind of ranted. Do I make any sense..?

Well that's all I have! Good job on him so far, I'm interested in his story! Keep it up.

@HumCat

To answer your 'curiosity questions' Since he is an Incubus (Snow Cloaked) he was wings, a tail and clawed hands and feet, which are all covered in feathers/ The last people he was under slavery with experimented on him, in which he was in constant pain. he developed that habit there and actually almost killed himself because he clawed so deep that he lost a lot of blood./ Since his race views heterochromia as something demonic, he was constantly hated and avoided, so he began closing it so that people were less likely to hurt or yell at him.

Thank you very much for reviewing i'll take all of your advise and try to describe him and his story better. all tell you when its updated!

@HumCat

You can check it out again if you like! Also, I recommend you look at the links on his page to better understand what he is.
Thanks again for looking at him!