forum Critique My Scene?

Started December 22, 2018 by @Joy_

tune

Hi! I am writing a scene where my main character has been captured and they are having a heated conversation while he tries to convince her to join him. I'll post in in a sec.

Ambers captors ripped the hood her head. She gasped for air, but barely had time to catch her breath before they threw her into a small, circular room. Amber hit the cold stone floor and she gasped as she felt ribs crack. She sucked in but that only hurt more. Tears sprang to her eyes, and pain racked her body. The two figures hauled her to her feet and turned her around roughly. They grabbed her arms and forced them behind her back. She cried out but was rewarded with a forceful kick to the back of her knees. Amber stumbled and dropped to her knees, unable to maintain her balance. They wrapped thin, scratchy roped around her wrists, tying them tightly together. One shoved her again and she struck the ground, unable to break her fall. Amber yelled in pain.
Crudmuffin no.1 reached into his pocket and brought out a long, thick, strip of cloth. He tied a knot in it, and shoved it into her mouth, tying it behind her head to secure it. Crudmuffin no.2 crossed to the center of the small room and grabbed the loose end of a short chain from the ground, the other end linked to the floor. He walked over to where Amber lay, incapacitated with pain, and clasped two manacles onto her ankles. She winced at the familiar clink of the chain. They both stood up. Amber tried to get to her feet after them but was brutally kicked back down. The men left the room, leaving Amber, her sobs of pain muffled through the gag, secured to the floor, and completely alone. The door clanged shut, casting the whole room into darkness, and Amber heard the bolt as the door was locked from the outside, not that it needed to be.
Amber couldn't keep track of the days. Time seemed to blend together, and her mind grew fuzzier each time she woke up. Once every what she assumed to be twenty-four hours, someone would enter with a bucket and a cup of water. They would untie her, though the chain never came off, let her drink, give her a few minutes of privacy, and then re-tie her and leave. That was the only contact with humans she got. Every few visits, a piece of stale bread or a banana would be brought in also. Amber knew she was only being given the minimum amount of food and water in order to survive. She half wished they would just stop and let her die because this was not living. It was existing. The only thing that kept her going was the thought of her friends. They’ll come, she told herself, over and over and over again. They’ll be here any day.
After what she thought was approximately a fortnight, the door opened twice in one day. Amber had already gotten her water, and she was sleeping when it happened. The door opened, and bright light filled the room. Amber winced and covered her eyes, unused to any light. She heard heavy boots and scrambled backward as far as the chain would allow. The footsteps stopped in front of her and Amber knew something was different. She clumsily worked her way to her knees and forced her eyes open to see who was in front of her.
She had to squint because the figure had brought a torch, but her eyes eventually adjusted. She looked up and knew who it was instantly.
“Terthan.” Amber spat at his feet.
He smiled. “No need for introductions then I see. Anything you’d like to get off your chest?”
“Oh plenty! How could you do this? All the pain, all the suffering, just so you can rule the world? So you can be in control? Well, if that's all you're doing it for, you will fail. You can't win a war running on fumes, and that's all you've been doing for the past fifteen years. Your drive is depleting. You're losing! All because you couldn't muster up the anger to fight one more day! But you can stop this! Call off your armies, release control of those poor creatures, don't give in to your hate and anger. You don't have to be the monster.”
“Oh, my dear. When you've lived such a terrible life as I have, you begin to realize that not all monsters are born monsters. Monsters are surprisingly easy to create. All you have to do is overlook a hopeful, innocent boy, and pick someone much less qualified for the position HE deserves. There are other ways as well. you can destroy what they love, make them angry, mistreat them, and you have a fully-fledged monster on your hands. All you have to do is be able to control them, and that is fairly easy. You just have to offer them the thing they were always denied. A position they deserve, the home they always wanted, the ability to get revenge… anything works really. All you have to do is offer them something irresistible. So, what should I do to make a monster out of you? What drives you? Your friends? Or maybe your power. Your talent? I can take all that away in a heartbeat, and there is nothing you can do to stop me. Ah. So that's your weakness. You hate feeling helpless. Helpless to save your friends. Helpless, to save the world! If that's what it will take to break you, then that is what I will do. I will destroy the world in front of your eyes. You will watch the world burn, and there will be nothing you can do to stop it. It will break you, smash your spirit, and leave you broken. You are nothing, and you will always be nothing. If you were something, you could save them. But. You. Can't. You can't change anything. You are insignificant, weak, and worthless. You could never be anything. Unless you join me. I can make you something. You will make a difference. The Guardians would listen if YOU told them to stop fighting. I don't want to destroy the world, I was only doing this so I could make it a better place. And you could help. You could finally be something. You wouldn't have to watch from a distance while everything you love goes up in flames. You would have the power to save them! If you join me, your friends will live, and once the war is over, we will discover the secret to life, and raise your parents from the dead. You will be revered, looked up to, worshipped! All you have to do, is join me, and you can save them, all you have to do, is say the word, and you can end this. End it all! The pain, the death, slavery. Together, we will build a new world up from these ashes! All you have to do, is say the word, pledge your loyalty to me, to the cause, and all this destruction, this annihilation, will end. You can bring peace back to our world! Think of it: Amber the peacekeeper, awed and feared. You can do it. it all rests on you. You can make the world a better place, or you can watch it burn, and know that it will be your fault. Because you can save them. So will you? Or will you stay the weak, helpless, worthless fool I see before me? You are weak. You are nothing! You love, but you don’t have the courage to fight for what you love. And that. Is weak. so, the world is in your hands, what will you choose? Will you live and make a difference, or will you cower as I slaughter all that you love in front of your eyes, as you stand by as what you are now: Nothing. But. Weak.”
“Love is not weakness! And I AM fighting for what I love. Every time you whip me, I fight for the freedom of slaves! Every time I defy you, I fight for justice for the wrong you have done! And every time I stand up for what is right, I fight for the people I love! The people I swore I would be loyal to until the end! So I will never, EVER join you, and you will never break my spirit because so long as there is good in the world, I will not lose faith. Every time a child helps their mother, every time a widow is comforted by a stranger, and every time someone stands up for what is right, it is YOU that have failed! Because you are nothing but cold, and merciless, and cruel, and everything that cannot last while it is good! So you will not win. My friends are safe, and they will keep fighting, and none of us will stop until you are defeated! Never!”
“And that is why you will lose. That is what makes you weak. You will not sacrifice the love of your friends to keep them safe. Henry has seen sense, why can’t you? Because you are blinded by selfish need, and you cannot see that you are not even needed! You think that your friends need you? All you are is dead weight, a supporter that craves recognition but gives nothing back. They don’t need you. Why do you think they haven’t come for you yet? They know where you are, I told them myself, and yet here you are. Too worthless to come and retrieve, like a worthless dog that only ever took up precious resources. Because that is all you are. Worthless. And every day that you spend in here, with no rescue, no contact from your so-called friends, you will realize that a little more, until one day, I will come in here, and you will realize that I was right all along. That you. Are. Nothing.”
Terthan turned and swept out of the cell, slamming the door shut behind him and shutting her into darkness. Amber made to go after him, forgetting she was secured to the wall. The ropes came taut and she tripped and slammed to the floor. She felt her lip split and her nose start bleeding. She shoulder and side felt like she had been trampled by a horse, and she could feel the skin right above her cheekbone begin to swell around her eye. Amber huddled against the cold wall, her wrists and arms aching from the ropes, and Terthans words echoing through her head. Try as she might to forget them, they rang true with all of her insecurities, everything she had ever believed about herself, and he had been spot on. She knew that he had to be wrong, that her friends did care, and that she wasn’t weak. But she couldn’t get rid of the doubt seeping into her mind.

Ambers captors ripped the hood her head. She gasped for air, but barely had time to catch her breath before they threw her into a small, circular room. Amber hit the cold stone floor and she gasped as she felt ribs crack. She sucked in but that only hurt more. Tears sprang to her eyes, and pain racked her body. The two figures hauled her to her feet and turned her around roughly. They grabbed her arms and forced them behind her back. She cried out but was rewarded with a forceful kick to the back of her knees. Amber stumbled and dropped to her knees, unable to maintain her balance. They wrapped thin, scratchy roped around her wrists, tying them tightly together. One shoved her again and she struck the ground, unable to break her fall. Amber yelled in pain.
Crudmuffin no.1 reached into his pocket and brought out a long, thick, strip of cloth. He tied a knot in it, and shoved it into her mouth, tying it behind her head to secure it. Crudmuffin no.2 crossed to the center of the small room and grabbed the loose end of a short chain from the ground, the other end linked to the floor. He walked over to where Amber lay, incapacitated with pain, and clasped two manacles onto her ankles. She winced at the familiar clink of the chain. They both stood up. Amber tried to get to her feet after them but was brutally kicked back down. The men left the room, leaving Amber, her sobs of pain muffled through the gag, secured to the floor, and completely alone. The door clanged shut, casting the whole room into darkness, and Amber heard the bolt as the door was locked from the outside, not that it needed to be.
Amber couldn't keep track of the days. Time seemed to blend together, and her mind grew fuzzier each time she woke up. Once every what she assumed to be twenty-four hours, someone would enter with a bucket and a cup of water. They would untie her, though the chain never came off, let her drink, give her a few minutes of privacy, and then re-tie her and leave. That was the only contact with humans she got. Every few visits, a piece of stale bread or a banana would be brought in also. Amber knew she was only being given the minimum amount of food and water in order to survive. She half wished they would just stop and let her die because this was not living. It was existing. The only thing that kept her going was the thought of her friends. They’ll come, she told herself, over and over and over again. They’ll be here any day.
After what she thought was approximately a fortnight, the door opened twice in one day. Amber had already gotten her water, and she was sleeping when it happened. The door opened, and bright light filled the room. Amber winced and covered her eyes, unused to any light. She heard heavy boots and scrambled backward as far as the chain would allow. The footsteps stopped in front of her and Amber knew something was different. She clumsily worked her way to her knees and forced her eyes open to see who was in front of her.
She had to squint because the figure had brought a torch, but her eyes eventually adjusted. She looked up and knew who it was instantly.
“Terthan.” Amber spat at his feet.
He smiled. “No need for introductions then I see. Anything you’d like to get off your chest?”
“Oh plenty! How could you do this? All the pain, all the suffering, just so you can rule the world? So you can be in control? Well, if that's all you're doing it for, you will fail. You can't win a war running on fumes, and that's all you've been doing for the past fifteen years. Your drive is depleting. You're losing! All because you couldn't muster up the anger to fight one more day! But you can stop this! Call off your armies, release control of those poor creatures, don't give in to your hate and anger. You don't have to be the monster.”
“Oh, my dear. When you've lived such a terrible life as I have, you begin to realize that not all monsters are born monsters. Monsters are surprisingly easy to create. All you have to do is overlook a hopeful, innocent boy, and pick someone much less qualified for the position HE deserves. There are other ways as well. you can destroy what they love, make them angry, mistreat them, and you have a fully-fledged monster on your hands. All you have to do is be able to control them, and that is fairly easy. You just have to offer them the thing they were always denied. A position they deserve, the home they always wanted, the ability to get revenge… anything works really. All you have to do is offer them something irresistible. So, what should I do to make a monster out of you? What drives you? Your friends? Or maybe your power. Your talent? I can take all that away in a heartbeat, and there is nothing you can do to stop me. Ah. So that's your weakness. You hate feeling helpless. Helpless to save your friends. Helpless, to save the world! If that's what it will take to break you, then that is what I will do. I will destroy the world in front of your eyes. You will watch the world burn, and there will be nothing you can do to stop it. It will break you, smash your spirit, and leave you broken. You are nothing, and you will always be nothing. If you were something, you could save them. But. You. Can't. You can't change anything. You are insignificant, weak, and worthless. You could never be anything. Unless you join me. I can make you something. You will make a difference. The Guardians would listen if YOU told them to stop fighting. I don't want to destroy the world, I was only doing this so I could make it a better place. And you could help. You could finally be something. You wouldn't have to watch from a distance while everything you love goes up in flames. You would have the power to save them! If you join me, your friends will live, and once the war is over, we will discover the secret to life, and raise your parents from the dead. You will be revered, looked up to, worshipped! All you have to do, is join me, and you can save them, all you have to do, is say the word, and you can end this. End it all! The pain, the death, slavery. Together, we will build a new world up from these ashes! All you have to do, is say the word, pledge your loyalty to me, to the cause, and all this destruction, this annihilation, will end. You can bring peace back to our world! Think of it: Amber the peacekeeper, awed and feared. You can do it. it all rests on you. You can make the world a better place, or you can watch it burn, and know that it will be your fault. Because you can save them. So will you? Or will you stay the weak, helpless, worthless fool I see before me? You are weak. You are nothing! You love, but you don’t have the courage to fight for what you love. And that. Is weak. so, the world is in your hands, what will you choose? Will you live and make a difference, or will you cower as I slaughter all that you love in front of your eyes, as you stand by as what you are now: Nothing. But. Weak.”
“Love is not weakness! And I AM fighting for what I love. Every time you whip me, I fight for the freedom of slaves! Every time I defy you, I fight for justice for the wrong you have done! And every time I stand up for what is right, I fight for the people I love! The people I swore I would be loyal to until the end! So I will never, EVER join you, and you will never break my spirit because so long as there is good in the world, I will not lose faith. Every time a child helps their mother, every time a widow is comforted by a stranger, and every time someone stands up for what is right, it is YOU that have failed! Because you are nothing but cold, and merciless, and cruel, and everything that cannot last while it is good! So you will not win. My friends are safe, and they will keep fighting, and none of us will stop until you are defeated! Never!”
“And that is why you will lose. That is what makes you weak. You will not sacrifice the love of your friends to keep them safe. Henry has seen sense, why can’t you? Because you are blinded by selfish need, and you cannot see that you are not even needed! You think that your friends need you? All you are is dead weight, a supporter that craves recognition but gives nothing back. They don’t need you. Why do you think they haven’t come for you yet? They know where you are, I told them myself, and yet here you are. Too worthless to come and retrieve, like a worthless dog that only ever took up precious resources. Because that is all you are. Worthless. And every day that you spend in here, with no rescue, no contact from your so-called friends, you will realize that a little more, until one day, I will come in here, and you will realize that I was right all along. That you. Are. Nothing.”
Terthan turned and swept out of the cell, slamming the door shut behind him and shutting her into darkness. Amber made to go after him, forgetting she was secured to the wall. The ropes came taut and she tripped and slammed to the floor. She felt her lip split and her nose start bleeding. She shoulder and side felt like she had been trampled by a horse, and she could feel the skin right above her cheekbone begin to swell around her eye. Amber huddled against the cold wall, her wrists and arms aching from the ropes, and Terthans words echoing through her head. Try as she might to forget them, they rang true with all of her insecurities, everything she had ever believed about herself, and he had been spot on. She knew that he had to be wrong, that her friends did care, and that she wasn’t weak. But she couldn’t get rid of the doubt seeping into her mind.

My suggestions;
*felt a rib crack
pain shot through her body
Amber cried out in pain
Forget the “brutally”
her moans of pain
cut the “living/existing

Ambers captors ripped the hood her head. She gasped for air, but barely had time to catch her breath before they threw her into a small, circular room. Amber hit the cold stone floor and she gasped as she felt ribs crack. She sucked in but that only hurt more. Tears sprang to her eyes, and pain racked her body. The two figures hauled her to her feet and turned her around roughly. They grabbed her arms and forced them behind her back. She cried out but was rewarded with a forceful kick to the back of her knees. Amber stumbled and dropped to her knees, unable to maintain her balance. They wrapped thin, scratchy roped around her wrists, tying them tightly together. One shoved her again and she struck the ground, unable to break her fall. Amber yelled in pain.
Crudmuffin no.1 reached into his pocket and brought out a long, thick, strip of cloth. He tied a knot in it, and shoved it into her mouth, tying it behind her head to secure it. Crudmuffin no.2 crossed to the center of the small room and grabbed the loose end of a short chain from the ground, the other end linked to the floor. He walked over to where Amber lay, incapacitated with pain, and clasped two manacles onto her ankles. She winced at the familiar clink of the chain. They both stood up. Amber tried to get to her feet after them but was brutally kicked back down. The men left the room, leaving Amber, her sobs of pain muffled through the gag, secured to the floor, and completely alone. The door clanged shut, casting the whole room into darkness, and Amber heard the bolt as the door was locked from the outside, not that it needed to be.
Amber couldn't keep track of the days. Time seemed to blend together, and her mind grew fuzzier each time she woke up. Once every what she assumed to be twenty-four hours, someone would enter with a bucket and a cup of water. They would untie her, though the chain never came off, let her drink, give her a few minutes of privacy, and then re-tie her and leave. That was the only contact with humans she got. Every few visits, a piece of stale bread or a banana would be brought in also. Amber knew she was only being given the minimum amount of food and water in order to survive. She half wished they would just stop and let her die because this was not living. It was existing. The only thing that kept her going was the thought of her friends. They’ll come, she told herself, over and over and over again. They’ll be here any day.
After what she thought was approximately a fortnight, the door opened twice in one day. Amber had already gotten her water, and she was sleeping when it happened. The door opened, and bright light filled the room. Amber winced and covered her eyes, unused to any light. She heard heavy boots and scrambled backward as far as the chain would allow. The footsteps stopped in front of her and Amber knew something was different. She clumsily worked her way to her knees and forced her eyes open to see who was in front of her.
She had to squint because the figure had brought a torch, but her eyes eventually adjusted. She looked up and knew who it was instantly.
“Terthan.” Amber spat at his feet.
He smiled. “No need for introductions then I see. Anything you’d like to get off your chest?”
“Oh plenty! How could you do this? All the pain, all the suffering, just so you can rule the world? So you can be in control? Well, if that's all you're doing it for, you will fail. You can't win a war running on fumes, and that's all you've been doing for the past fifteen years. Your drive is depleting. You're losing! All because you couldn't muster up the anger to fight one more day! But you can stop this! Call off your armies, release control of those poor creatures, don't give in to your hate and anger. You don't have to be the monster.”
“Oh, my dear. When you've lived such a terrible life as I have, you begin to realize that not all monsters are born monsters. Monsters are surprisingly easy to create. All you have to do is overlook a hopeful, innocent boy, and pick someone much less qualified for the position HE deserves. There are other ways as well. you can destroy what they love, make them angry, mistreat them, and you have a fully-fledged monster on your hands. All you have to do is be able to control them, and that is fairly easy. You just have to offer them the thing they were always denied. A position they deserve, the home they always wanted, the ability to get revenge… anything works really. All you have to do is offer them something irresistible. So, what should I do to make a monster out of you? What drives you? Your friends? Or maybe your power. Your talent? I can take all that away in a heartbeat, and there is nothing you can do to stop me. Ah. So that's your weakness. You hate feeling helpless. Helpless to save your friends. Helpless, to save the world! If that's what it will take to break you, then that is what I will do. I will destroy the world in front of your eyes. You will watch the world burn, and there will be nothing you can do to stop it. It will break you, smash your spirit, and leave you broken. You are nothing, and you will always be nothing. If you were something, you could save them. But. You. Can't. You can't change anything. You are insignificant, weak, and worthless. You could never be anything. Unless you join me. I can make you something. You will make a difference. The Guardians would listen if YOU told them to stop fighting. I don't want to destroy the world, I was only doing this so I could make it a better place. And you could help. You could finally be something. You wouldn't have to watch from a distance while everything you love goes up in flames. You would have the power to save them! If you join me, your friends will live, and once the war is over, we will discover the secret to life, and raise your parents from the dead. You will be revered, looked up to, worshipped! All you have to do, is join me, and you can save them, all you have to do, is say the word, and you can end this. End it all! The pain, the death, slavery. Together, we will build a new world up from these ashes! All you have to do, is say the word, pledge your loyalty to me, to the cause, and all this destruction, this annihilation, will end. You can bring peace back to our world! Think of it: Amber the peacekeeper, awed and feared. You can do it. it all rests on you. You can make the world a better place, or you can watch it burn, and know that it will be your fault. Because you can save them. So will you? Or will you stay the weak, helpless, worthless fool I see before me? You are weak. You are nothing! You love, but you don’t have the courage to fight for what you love. And that. Is weak. so, the world is in your hands, what will you choose? Will you live and make a difference, or will you cower as I slaughter all that you love in front of your eyes, as you stand by as what you are now: Nothing. But. Weak.”
“Love is not weakness! And I AM fighting for what I love. Every time you whip me, I fight for the freedom of slaves! Every time I defy you, I fight for justice for the wrong you have done! And every time I stand up for what is right, I fight for the people I love! The people I swore I would be loyal to until the end! So I will never, EVER join you, and you will never break my spirit because so long as there is good in the world, I will not lose faith. Every time a child helps their mother, every time a widow is comforted by a stranger, and every time someone stands up for what is right, it is YOU that have failed! Because you are nothing but cold, and merciless, and cruel, and everything that cannot last while it is good! So you will not win. My friends are safe, and they will keep fighting, and none of us will stop until you are defeated! Never!”
“And that is why you will lose. That is what makes you weak. You will not sacrifice the love of your friends to keep them safe. Henry has seen sense, why can’t you? Because you are blinded by selfish need, and you cannot see that you are not even needed! You think that your friends need you? All you are is dead weight, a supporter that craves recognition but gives nothing back. They don’t need you. Why do you think they haven’t come for you yet? They know where you are, I told them myself, and yet here you are. Too worthless to come and retrieve, like a worthless dog that only ever took up precious resources. Because that is all you are. Worthless. And every day that you spend in here, with no rescue, no contact from your so-called friends, you will realize that a little more, until one day, I will come in here, and you will realize that I was right all along. That you. Are. Nothing.”
Terthan turned and swept out of the cell, slamming the door shut behind him and shutting her into darkness. Amber made to go after him, forgetting she was secured to the wall. The ropes came taut and she tripped and slammed to the floor. She felt her lip split and her nose start bleeding. She shoulder and side felt like she had been trampled by a horse, and she could feel the skin right above her cheekbone begin to swell around her eye. Amber huddled against the cold wall, her wrists and arms aching from the ropes, and Terthans words echoing through her head. Try as she might to forget them, they rang true with all of her insecurities, everything she had ever believed about herself, and he had been spot on. She knew that he had to be wrong, that her friends did care, and that she wasn’t weak. But she couldn’t get rid of the doubt seeping into her mind.

My suggestions;
*felt a rib crack
pain shot through her body
Amber cried out in pain
Forget the “brutally”
her moans of pain
cut the “living/existing

Bbl

Thank you! If you have any in-depth critiques, feel free to post them.

I have a suggestion, that chuck of text that the captor says is incredibly hard to read. It's way too long winded and needs to be broken up into sections, with action in the middle. Also, it's a horribly annoying trope to have the bad guy do a long winded speech about why they'll win and why the protagonist should join them.

Yeah, I know. That was a hunk of dialog I wrote on Fighters Block, and I hadn’t decided how I was going to chop it up yet. Thank you for your advice!