The first scene of the first chapter is a short battle between the main character and some random extra. Would like people's thoughts
The incessant clash of metal rang through Louise’s sensitive ears as her muscles ached with diminishing vitality.
She raised her arms as a sword sailed through the air towards her. It screeched against her bracers. She stumbled and the elf lifted a leg. Louise barely registered the movement as his boot connected with her stomach. She hit the ground hard. Her head slammed back, making her vision swim.
The elf stepped closer and raised his blade. Louise brought her bracers up once more. The blows came in rapid succession. He should have run her through but he only brought the sword down over and over. A groan escaped Louise’s lungs. The wet earth soaked into her back as her throbbing wings flailed weakly. Blood from a wound she couldn’t feel dripped into her eyes. The grimacing face of her assailant blurred into redness. Louise sneered and dropped her defence to scramble back. A foot slammed into her chest. She was pinned down. Her energy trickled away and she squirmed against the weight in anticipation of a final strike. It never came. Instead, the nauseating warmth of the elf’s blood sprayed onto her face. She gagged and moved to avoid the now lifeless body crumpling into the dirt. Louise stared at the corpse for a moment, eyes wide. Something shifted in the corner of her vision. Her head snapped up as she wiped the blood away with a shaky hand. The tall figure of a human soldier came into focus. He reached forward with a gentle hand, slick with gore, and pulled her onto her feet.
All right! Saddle up
I have little to no idea what I'm doing
but that's ok!
(1) First off, this is generally pretty well done! I have a good idea of what's going and the choreography of it all, which usually gets pretty confusing for me to follow. Good job on this!
(2) I'm personally not too fond of the first sentence. I feel like it has a few too many adjectives, and some of the information feels like it's been given out twice, just slightly rephrased. How much of this is necessary?
The incessant clash of metal rang through Louise’s sensitive ears as her muscles ached with diminishing vitality.
Do we need to be told that her ears are sensitive if it's ringing through her head? What else would her muscles be aching with?
(not to call out your first sentence or anything - this issue of over-describing pops up a few times later in the extract as well so I recommend critically looking at each sentence and asking "does my reader need to know all of this right now?")
(3) Some of the sentence structure gets a bit repetitive, which isn't too big of an issue since the idea is to write short, punchy lines that get the reader all tense. But I would recommend a bit more variety sometimes. For example, a lot of it goes like "she did this. he kicked her. she kicked him and jumped up." so maybe it could be helpful to find other sentence subjects in between (I hope that makes sense)
(4) Maybe split the last paragraph up at some point. It's quite a lot of information and change to all be in one big bloc.
(5)The ever-fabulous @Riorlyne's Inkstruction page over in General Writing was apparently discontinued a while ago, so I felt it appropriate to paste in the super helpful action writing tips she posted there in the beginning:
Tips for Writing Action
- Use strong verbs and keep the adverbs to a minimum.
Not great: The knife cut my arm quickly.
Better: The knife slashed my arm.
- Short, simple sentences convey a quicker narrative than long, complex ones.
Not great: I dodged the beast's jaws, which emanated a rank breath in my face that made my eyes sting, but I forced my eyes open anyway. I only needed to punch its throat once.
Better: I dodged the beast's jaws. His rank breath in my face made my eyes sting, but I forced them open. One punch to its throat - that's all I needed.
- Detail is good, but keep it relevant.
Not great: As she swung in to stab me in the stomach, I noticed her luminous eyes. Pools of deepest, vibrant blue, swimming with an emotion I could not name. Anger? Fear? Or was it a combination of both? She blinked and the spell was broken. I would never know how she had felt in that moment.
Not great either: I ran away. He caught up with me and tripped me. I fell. I stood up again and faced him.
Better: … I crashed to the hard cobblestones. Struggling to my feet again, I turned to face him, but my vision was blurred. Blood ran from a cut on my forehead into my eyes.
I hope this all was even marginally helpful. Have a nice day and all the best with your writing!
Yeah I have issues with keeping variety in action scene sentences. I was wondering what felt off about it and I think your comment about the adjectives might be it. I'll make some edits, thank you!
I've changed it a bit. It's not perfect and probably never will be but how's the updated version?
The incessant clash of metal rang through Louise’s ears. She raised her arms, muscles aching, as a sword sailed through the air towards her. It screeched against her bracers and she stumbled, barely recovering before a boot connected with her stomach. She flew backwards and hit the ground hard. Her head slammed into the dirt.
Dots swam across her vision as the elf stepped closer and raised his blade. Louise brought her bracers up once more. The blows came in rapid succession, over and over. A groan escaped Louise’s lungs. The wet earth soaked into her back and her throbbing wings flailed weakly, blood dripping into her eyes. The grimacing face of her assailant blurred into redness. Louise sneered and dropped her defence to scramble back. His foot slammed into her chest. Her chestplate creaked under the weight and Louise squirmed as her talons curled around the leather. The glint of a sword pointed at her throat had Louise digging her claws deeper. But the sting of cold metal never came.
Just as her eyes flickered up, warm blood showered her face. She gagged and moved to avoid the now lifeless body crumpling into the dirt. Louise stared at the corpse for a heartbeat before movement caught her attention. Her head snapped up as she wiped the blood away with a shaky hand. The tall figure of a human soldier came into focus. He reached forward with a gentle hand, slick with gore, and pulled her onto her feet.
This is already an incredible improvement! It's definitely more streamlined and a lot more focused!
Little nitpicks:
- In the phrase "throbbing wings flailed weakly" I'm not sure if the "weakly" is necessary. Flailing is already a pretty strong verb.
- "grimacing face" sounds a bit awkward
- Why "sneered"?
- "moved to avoid the now lifeless body" (this is a tiny nitpick) Could use a stronger verb than "moved". Moved how?
- How does she know the soldier's hand is gentle if it's still reaching forward? Is the "gentle" necessary?
Again, this is already pretty good and any critique is always offered with a full plate of salt for you to pick the best grains
Alright cool! Thank you for your critiques they were super helpful!
All the best with your writing!
