It’s amazing oh my god !!
You should get published
sooooooo……… it turns out there is an opportunity for students at my college to submit written works, including poetry, to potentially be published in the school's literary magazine and somehow im seriousl considering submitting this…. I might cut out some of the verses but…….. I kinda want to submit this to maybe be published but the idea is terrifying.
Dude you should! The poem is amazing and getting it published would be awesome. It may be terrifying, but I promise you that people will enjoy it!!
It would be really cool to get something published, but……………… I dont even know if it would be published. The whole process is just me submitting it after editing it a bit so I dont offend my family or friends and then MAYBE getting published….. IF it fits what they want to publish, IF no one submits something better, IF my Christian school is willing to publish something that was written about Asexuality, IF they even like it……….
Yeah it is a lot of ifs but there's a chance. There is a chance that someone will see it and love it and publish it. There is a chance that someone in the world would see your poem and think 'wow I relate to this.' There is a chance that there are people who still think they're broken for not having sexual attraction but they'll see your poem and learn that they are not alone in this. Just take the chance. It might be worth it
oh my gosh I want to cry, it's so amazing that you wrote this for others to see. Incredible work :' )
update- I did not submit it to be published since the current climate of my Christian college isn't very accepting atm BUT i've been updating it and adding to it and i'm going to perform it for the LGBT+ club at my school which i'm really excited about!! i'm probably gonna cry while performing it tbh, I mean i mention them in the poem and it's already so personal but I don't care
YOU WILL DO AMAZING!!!!!!!!!
so, ive grown a lot even just since putting this poem here, and the poem has grown too. I've added a lot to it, changed some words, even gotten rid of some verses and I want to share this updated version with you because im really proud of how far it's come. I hope you like it as much as I do.
Firsts
Sometimes it’s really hard to talk about relationships it’s always people prying with preconceived questions of:
When do you want to get married?
How many kids do you want?
Do you have a boyfriend?
Have you ever kissed anyone?
What’s your type?
Who’s your crush?
What do you mean you don’t like anyone?
None of my answers to these questions are straight forward. Let me tell you what I mean.
I am eight years old when I find out what sex is for the first time
My dad and I are sitting on the sofa
On the tv… a nature documentary about snakes.
I am stumped and sickened as I see the snakes slither on the screen
I am left wonder why anyone would ever want to do that
I am in 2nd grade when i'm asked if I'm gay for the first time
As The youngest camper I ask a question not knowing what gay means i'm met with silence and awkward laughter….. Go ask your mom. In later finding out what gay means I discover that thinking there are wrong ways to love other people doesn't quite feel right to me.
I am in 3rd grade when i'm asked who my crush is for the first time
My mind goes blank, no one, there is no one, at all.
they insist that i'm lying “ you have to like someone
and beg me, nagging me me to tell “the truth”, “you can trust us”
I lie
and say a friend’s name, it feels foreign on my tongue.
Let me explain
I sit in a circle of my friends at a sleepover
Suddenly serious we speak in hushed squeals and high tones
They’re going around admitting things
And finally it gets to me
“Who do you have a crush on?” they ask
I freeze
My mind is both blank and racing as I try to remember every boy I know and compare qualities to the ones they chose and make sure not to choose one i'm too close with lest they call it fake and force me to chose another
My brain is screaming at me to just say no one and move on with it
Let this judgement and torture by closest of friends fade as I disappear into the ether instead of giving an answer
My mouth opens
and instead of saying what I so wish they’d accept as an answer…
A Name spills from my lips
Dripping with poison and leaving behind the bitter taste of regret
My friends stare, their faces contorted in confusion
“Eww? Him?? Really? Why?”
I frantically turn to my friend and oppressor on my right and turn the question on them hoping that these stares and judging glares will fade with the passing time
I cannot tell you how many times I’ve told those lies
Letting friends names float into the air
A poison gas I never meant to breathe
One that curled up in my chest and demanded to be set free
Because the real answer was only viewed as fantasy
I didn't realise that this cup of bonding and friendship
We were so eager to drink from was laced with arsenic
These talks were poison but I didn't know
I approached them like any other conversation
With planning and cue cards and out lines rehearsing and rehearsing
Wondering how this was the one place I never could succeed
Failing at this game of fairytale
That everyone else learned the rules to overnight
I couldn't find my rulebook
I never thought I might not have had one in the first place
I watched as the rules of this game of love turned friends into memories
They disappeared overnight as their pair chose them as worthy
They would take their hand and go up in smoke
They’d return, asking for advice on what lay beyond the curtain
I guess they saw an open window a clear view, a sunny day
but all I saw was closed blinds and a dark room
I was playing where’s waldo and I couldn't see the picture
The judging looks return and I realise I don't understand the criteria for a good crush
I am in 5th grade when I question the purity talks for the first time
Our bodies are changing blah blah blah
What new feelings? NOthing feels any different
Is this just an excuse to talk about sex at church
Okay really, how hard is it to not have sex??? Just like… don't
Honestly who wants to anyway???
I must just be really good at resisting these urges I guess
I am in 6th grade when I hear that sex is about love for the first time
My mom talks about this irresistible urge two people have when they love each other very much
the same one that pastors mention in church, one that constantly and consistently escapes my comprehension.
She says i'll understand when i'm older, I still don't understand
I am in 7th grade when my friends start joking about sex for the first time
I am uncomfortable to say the least. I roll my eyes and try to ignore it. I mean, they’re just joking Right?They’re just dramatic drama queens like always
I am in 8th grade when my parents are openly homophobic for the first time
Gay marriage is legal and to my parents it’s horrible
They’re wondering what’s become of our 'good christian nation'
They’re making comments about the trans person at the register in starbucks
I wonder what queer people ever did to deserve this hate, and I get no answer
I wonder if God is only found in the straight romantic love of my parents
or if God is found in more places than one
I am in 9th grade when i'm given sex advice for the first time
I'm horribly embarrassed and utterly confused.
I don't know why I need to know,
why my friends would need to know,
why they would want to know.
How were my friends not embarrassed?
this senior was casually discussing her first time having sex!
I wanted to disappear
I am in 10th grade when I hear the word Asexual for the first time
I tell myself that I can't be asexual, no matter how accurate the definition might be because anything other than straight is wrong. And besides, I already know that i'm straight, I think boys are cute, I like boys… I guess
I'm in 11th grade when I am in a relationship for the first time
If you could even call it a relationship.
See, I am face to face with a boy
His laugh makes me happy and his voice is like the sunset
His love for art and food and life is contagious
Being around him is a rainbow in a hurricane
We’re friends and then something changes
he leans in and plants a kiss on my lips
I am delighted, flattered even
but it feels like nothing changes
No switch has been flipped and no feelings emerge.
But we are friends and I am happy
Yet kisses + time equals relationships right?
So that’s what we are, a couple, but It doesn't quite feel real
I am nothing close distraught when three days later
he says he isn't ready for whatever we had
I so desperately wanted to love him
But I don't think I did,
not the way everyone, including myself expected me to
Not romantically
But platonically
I am in 11th grade when I hear a pastor be blatantly homophobic for the first time
He says that being gay is a sin and I wonder why being straight isn't
I wonder where all the hate started and why we’re so divided
Because isn't hatred and fear something God makes disappear
Because if you hate gay people for loving the wrong person
how much more will you hate the weird girl in the corner who doesn't love anyone
Who seems to be better at ignoring these “urges” than the straight pastor who tells little girls to cover themselves up
I'm in 12th grade and I once again come across the word asexual.
I give it more thought this time
Someone who is Asexual rarely or never feels sexual attraction to anyone
I need to define sexual attraction because how do you know if you’ve felt something if you don't know what it feels like?
I wonder
Is it the warmth of a campfire, the feeling of making someone smile? No? okay.
Is it the sky on a summer day, the full bodied laughter of an inside joke? No?
Is it that inky blue of the night sky, the sadness when someone I care about is hurting? Farther away apparently
Is it an iridescent sunset, being there for someone who needs you? No, that platonic
Is it the endless worlds of a library, wanting to deeply connect and explore life with someone? Platonic again, sorry
Is it the shimmery reflection of glitter, finding someone’s outfit or smile pretty? That’s aesthetic attraction, sorry.
Is it a rainy day, wanting to cuddle or just give hugs to people you love? That's sensual attraction, your close, but no,
Is it somehow more than that? Do people actually want to do those things with people?
Because I… I honestly thought all that was a joke.
I've never felt that before
I don't feel sexual attraction
I'm asexual
I'm a senior in high school when I tell my mom i'm Asexual for the first time
It’s like she gives me a laundry list of excuses to explain away my ace
Late bloomer, find the right person, don't end up lonely. I don't need to tell the world who i'm willing, or not willing, to have sex with. But that’s not what it’s about. She says she accepts me, and at first believe it, but this … This doesn't feel like acceptance
I am a senior in high school when I tell a church friend that i'm asexual for the first time
They say i must be destined for celibacy, just like “the gays” and others who love ‘wrong’.
They tell me I can't get married if I don't want to have sex, because then what’s the point? I insist that I still want someone, a best friend I can do life with, they tell me they don't think that can happen. I start to believe them.
I am a senior in high school when I tell a school friend that i'm Asexual for the first time
“What you have to like someone. i just don't understand how you don't feel anything.” I wonder if my platonic love for them and our friendship means nothing to them.
Their words are water for the fire of my soul
I am berated and badgered by their basic beliefs
You must be liked. you must like boys. you must be attractive. you must like the attention.
Too weird too fat too smart too small to innocent too quiet too unathletic too different too much like a plant
I'm floundering in the feeling of failing to fit in i'm
I look in the mirror and i'm surprised it doesn’t shatter
I am a senior in high school
and I suddenly feel broken and very very alone
I am in 12th grade when I tell my best friend that i'm Asexual for the first time
She says that that’s okay she supports me and accepts me exactly as I am. She treats me no differently than before, we just add new set of jokes to our repertoire. I feel normal for the first time in a while.
I am in college when I come out to a friend group on the Internet for the first time
They assure me that I am not broken and that my feelings are real and matter to them, I don't need to disappear.
I feel like I can be myself with them, all of myself
I am in college when I go to Haven for the first time
It takes me five minutes to walk in the door and even then I am nervous and shy, I sit by the door my body thrumming with anxiety ready to bolt, but i'm given no reason to. They are accepting and kind. There are other Asexual people there and i realise I am not completely alone. They tell me that not only Do they accept me but that God accepts me exactly as I am. Ace and all.
I am older now and see what I learned through these firsts of mine
I learn that just because others may not understand what I experience doesn't mean that my experiences aren't valid
I learn that I am not alone, because in a world full of billions of people, at least one percent of them are asexual, like me
I realise that the phrase queer Christian is not a paradox and I am allowed to exist exactly as I am
I learn that platonic and familial love are just as strong and important as other kinds of love
I realise that my happiness with myself is more important to me then the love of some other person I have yet to meet, if they even exist
I realise that there are others like me who still think they are broken.
There are others like me who are trying to force themselves to feel something that they just don’t feel and are frustrating themselves and hurting themselves and hurting those they love because they are trying so desperately to love in the way society expects them to.
But the thing is sometimes society is the one who is wrong, not you, not me
At 19 I still don't like answering those relationship questions, but I realise that at least I should tell the truth
Never again will I lie saying a friends name as my crush. They arent my crush, they are my friend.
I don't have a crush on anyone and that should be enough
My worth is not determined by a relationship
If you’re asking me if that guy is hot you must be really desperate
Why?
Because I'm Asexual
and for the first time I'm not afraid to be proud of that
It's really good, Hobbit!!!
You aced it!!!!