forum Critique this scene?

Started February 20, 2018 by @Paperok

tune

¨Why?¨ Carissa turned towards the edge of the cliff and tried to spot Rodger in the abyss ¨Why won't you just stop this?¨ Cameron held what was left of his sword level to his chest panting for breath, he did not respond ¨It's safe here¨ Carissa went on ¨when Rio finishes with…his project, then we can have our perfect life together¨ Cameron huffed. (The setting is a newly created pocket dimension Cameron Carissa Rio Giraud and many people are locked in, the dimension made by Carissa resembles her homeland Kleoa. The present scene is taking place in a copy of the floating islands on Kleoa they are on on of the islands)
¨You cant even say it¨ He tossed his broken sword to the ground ¨You just cant admit it¨ he stood up straight ¨It wouldnt be the same, no matter how much you lie to yourself, deep down, in the depths of your heart, you'll know.¨ (its not explicitly stated here but it's explained in previous scenes that Carissa and Rio planned to lock themselves in a virtual reality where they can live with their loved ones forever) Carissa balled her fists ¨you'll know they aren't your real friends, you will know its just a lie¨
¨I dont care if its a lie¨ Carissa grew angry her nose scrunching as she started to shout ¨I dont care!” she repeated ¨Why do you care? Its none of your damn business! Why couldn't you just leave us alone?¨ She stepped closer to Cameron trembling with fury ¨You chose to stay, you gave up your chance to save the others to come here, you just couldn't let me be happy¨ The anger was suddenly replaced with sadness ¨They won't hate me anymore here, they won't look at me that way, I just want them (Carissa is referring to Michael Zaura and Jake as them, at this point in the story they have very rightful hatred for her due to her role in the final battle at Rios fort) to love me¨ both of them went silent.
¨You are an idiot¨ Cameron said simply, Carissas sadness twisted into a sick fury
¨You dont know anything! Youre just, just…¨ Cameron started to approach her
¨Remember Randora?¨ Carissa cringed and pulled her knife from her thigh, Cameron froze. ¨(Before the fight begins and things get out of hand Id like to explain that Cameron has several abilities, each with a different amount of stability.
Energy blasts- the easiest to use with absolutely no repercussions. he can fire beams of light from his balled fists.
Speed- Cameron can move very fast, but his eyes cannot keep up with his own speed, so he only uses it in quick rushes in a single direction. use of his speed can result in migraines of varying intensity depending on how fast he goes.
Wind control- By far his weakest and the most unstable ability. Cameron often forgets he is capable of this. He can manipulate the winds to some extent, but the slightest usage of this ability causes his ears to bleed.
Camerons physical strength is immense
Carissa is nearly omnipotent as she can do anything, the level of the task is gauged by how she injures herself first. For example if she cut her finger with a blade she could create an apple from thin air, and if she cut off a limb she could trigger a hurricanes powerful enough to destroy continents. Rio gifted Carissa with the very unstable ability to regenerate at the end of the previous book so she could perform the task of creating the pocket dimension by crushing her own body. With the regenerating at this exact point in the story, Carissa is the most powerful character in the TMB universe) Carissa please, lets just¨
¨No¨ Carissa cut him off raising her knife to her own throat ¨You're Not the real Cameron, when Rio finishes i'll see the real Cameron, the Cameron that loves me!¨
¨No!¨ Cameron blurred forward snatching the knife from her hand, Carissa dropped smashing her head into the ground, vines sprouted about as thick as Cameron arm he reacted fast balling his fists and shooting several quick blasts of light cutting the vines from their bases. He didn't notice the vines impaling Carissa, a twister started to form around them moving the island they were on slightly. Cameron fired off a large blast of light hurling himself to another island.
¨Stronger!¨ Carissa blessed herself with physical strength and leapt the gap between her and Cameron, she landed next to him, tore her arm out of its socket and swung it at him like a club Cameron grabbed ahold of it but Carissa was faster tearing through his guard and smashing her fist into his stomach. The force of the impact knocked him into the air where he was struck by numerous bolts of lightning. Carissa paused grunting with pain as her arm slowly grew back, she watched this and thought of Michael this was exactly how his body looked when he regenerated. The island around her cracked like glass, she flinched and crushed her left hand, she took off in flight as Cameron broke through the ground under her. He leapt from island to island in an attempt to catch her. Carissa created seven spheres of molten lava and hurled them at him. Cameron kicked off a small island and twisted safely between them, prepared for this, she had already torn her healing arm back off. Several of the islands distorted unnaturally into a tight cocoon around Cameron then it fell quickly towards the earth. Carissa did not let up she reached down snapping her leg and the air around the descending cocoon spun into a massive flurry of explosions consuming it. Carissas gift of flight cut short and she fell towards the nearest island she landed head first gasping and panting with pain. ¨I'm sorry¨ She rolled painfully onto her side and curled into a tight ball grunting and groaning. She noticed the sun starting to rise, an immense orb or orange light bathing the foggy islands with a crimson hue. It looked just like it did on Kleoa, (Kleoa is Carissas home planet) but that was impossible, this wasn't Kleoa it couldnt be
¨Carissa!¨ Cameron landed onto the same island clutching his bloody right arm ¨Im done with you!¨ Carissa tried to focus through the burning pain of her arm and leg regrowing. He charged at her grabbed her by her shirt collar and smashed his fist into her cheek, her mind exploded with pain as he swung on her repeatedly, she cried out and swiped at him with her arm, but he drew back out of her reach. Carissa got to her feet and tried to tear her stubbed arm off, she was unable to, both of them realized her temporary strength had worn off, as Carissa goes to her finger Cameron rushes towards her with blurring speed. Carissa broke her finger and the island around them cracked and crumbled under them, Cameron jumped and smashed his shoulder into her torso, they both went flying into the fog below. ¨damn it!¨ Cameron growled gripping both of Carissas wrists as they fell, she struggled in his grasp
¨Ill kill you!¨ She shrieked at him, she bit into her lip as hard as she could and teleported directly above Cameron, he fired a laser propelling himself into a spin grabbing at Carissa again but she planted her feet into his chest gaining some distance between them
¨Carissa!¨ Cameron yelled as she bit desperately into her finger ¨im sorry!¨ Carissa hesitated as he continued ¨Im sorry I never helped you¨ she barely heard him over the pounding winds ¨I always thought of you as the best of us, I always thought you were perfect I put you up on that pedestal and I never realized how much pressure I was putting on you¨
¨I dont care!¨ Carissa`s arm twisted into thousands of glass shards that swirled into a small tornado reaching out for Cameron ¨Just die and let me be happy!¨ Cameron fell silent as the blades cut at his clothes and skin ¨just let me be happy¨
¨No¨ Cameron fires two beams of light straight down launching himself into the glass reaching up towards Carissa, he grabbed onto her still regenerating right arm and yanked her to him struggling to restrain her, ¨I won't let you give up everything! I don't care what everyone thinks of you, I love you¨ her glass arm returned to normal and it started to vibrate at high speed, she twisted back and prepared to stab him. Cameron paused. Suddenly they had fallen under the reaches of the fog and they were enveloped in light, that same warm mixture of pink orange and white. Carissa was caught off guard by the immense light; the sun reflecting off her white eyes. Her arm stopped vibrating, Cameron could see the ground he pulled Carissa tightly against him and whipped up as much wind as he could under them slowing their descent. They hit the ground with a mild thump. Cameron was knocked unconscious by the impact. Carissa had her opportunity,

The shining light of this excerpt is the dialogue. While overly dramatic in some spots, it feels heartfelt and draws you into the story. Unfortunately, it was hard to follow because of the grammatical issues (not a big deal for a first draft) and the formatting (again, not that bad). Just a few tips on formatting: Every time a new speaker speaks, change paragraphs. It's cleaner and easier to read. Dialogue should be separated by commas, so ¨You are an idiot¨ Cameron said simply, becomes "You are an idiot," Cameron said simply. Also, don't be afraid of periods! You have a lot of run-ons connected by commas that is pretty needless. For example, after the Cameron says simply, you have connected by a comma Clarissa's reaction. Unrelated thoughts can't be connected. A period should be in the place of the comma.

Now, let's talk word choice. You've got some strong verbs in there, and I love that, but you also bog down the narrative with…well…a LOT of words. You say a lot sometimes, but there isn't much going on. Example: Carissa grew angry her nose scrunching as she started to shout… becomes Clarissa's nose scrunched up as she started to shout. You don't have to state explicitly what she's feeling: SHOW DON'T TELL! If she's got her fists balled up, and she's scrunching her nose, and she's yelling –well, we know she's mad. Same goes for other emotions. Use words, tone, body language, etc. to convey your meaning. Let the reader figure some stuff out on their own.

The fighting has some of the same issues, to a lesser extent. You're very descriptive. But sometimes, it works against you. When writing a fight scene, you have to be quick. Don't describe every detail, every agony, every move. Most people don't notice that stuff in a fight anyway. Tell me the sounds of the battle –the yells, the grunts, the clanging of weapon against weapon– tell me the adrenaline –time slows down, gasping for breath, heart pounding in your ears– tell me the smells –the smell of blood, the smell of sweat… just don't describe every little thing about every little move your characters make. I'm not saying get rid of every description, because they're quite good, just make sure to keep the action flowing and quick, and not bogged down by too many details.

Besides a few other grammatical issues, such as under punctuation (Im instead of I'm, etc.), that's really it. Good luck! I enjoyed reading this.

Thank you for the review, my writing always seems to go far over the top lol, and yes my raw writing is trashy at grammar. on the subject of my over describing that is exactly the thing im trying to work on; well that and the fight scene in general. I appreciate you taking the time to look it over.