“Listen, gold is of no object to me. If you want my services, you’ll need about five tons of cheese.”
“Cheese?!”
“You can have a bunch of alchemists just make some gold or some shit like that! If you accept my offer and pay up, I know you're serious!”
"Do we have hobgoblin fire to poison the food so he'll have permanent heartburn?"
"What if we make holly whiskey instead of holly water?"
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“Yo! Does sunflower drown?”
"Can I cast Create Water in his lungs so he drowns?"
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"… what happens if I drink the holy water?"
"Your alignment will become Lawful Good."
"Okay, let's not do that, then…"
I don't even remember the context for this and it was from an hour ago
"Is anyone else thinking about cannibalism?"
"What can I do to get you into a tomb tonight?"
"Why are you called Ravax the beheader if you've never killed anyone?"
Me: I think Red (a half-orc with red skin) is the crimison mentioned in the prophecy.
DM: What makes you say that.
Me: Because he's red?????????????????
"If you could stop flirting with frogs, that would be great."
Person A (He plays a character who is a fish-humanoid race and I can't remember what they're called): Hey, what's with all this fog rolling in? casts a fog spell and rolls a nat 1 on sleight of hand
DM: Roll for initiative
(Of course this all happens as the whole party freaks out because we're separated)
Me (a half-orc bard): (Trying to stop combat) Sorry! He just does that when he gets nervous!
(And unfortunately my roll failed by one point so we did have to fight)
Early on the triton talked to some fish and an alligator. Asking about the location of a missing cow. "I can talk to aquatic/ semiaquatic creatures."
After finding the cow and a few other heads of livestock:
Halfing: "Talk to them and see if they would like to come with us."
Triton: "Can I talk to the cows?"
DM: "read me the fine print"
Triton: "I can talk to aquatic/ semiaquatic creatures."
DM: "I can't believe I'm saying this, cows are not semiaquatic."
Tabaxi: "What if we take them to the river."
DM: "You can lead a cow to water, but you can't make it semiaquatic."
This happened in our FIRST EVER SESSION.
So basically we went out to go fight some orcs, bc we can, and this is what happened. btw I got my frickin arm cut off in this fight and just like no one noticed
DM: Okay, so you killed all the orcs, now go save Idonis. She's bleeding out.
Tyshrin: OKAY WHERE ARE THE REST OF THEM?
Brodi: Can I kill another?!
Idonis (me): GUYS I SWEAR IF YOU DON'T SAVE ME–
Esmae: I wanna get some more, where's the treasure?!
DM: Guys, Idonis–
Credence: Wait what's going on?
DM: Ok so Idonis is dead.
Idonis: WHAT?!?!
Don't worry I'm revived now but STILL
lol, was this before Ernie, or after?
o, wait, ok, nvm
Aha, yes, and then Ernie came in and gave me the kiss of life apparently. I'm 90% sure we started over
During character creation
Bard: Ok, so I want to be a bard.
Me (the DM): Okay…
Bard: …A bard who plays the alto saxophone.
Me: deep sigh
Later, during an encounter with an orc
Bard: I roll to seduce!
Me: Of course you do.
Bard: rolls a 2 Oh crap.
Me: You get out your saxophone and begin to play Careless Whisper–
Entire party: uncontrollable laughter