forum Funny quotes

Started January 31, 2018 by @Your-Humerus

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So being a DM myself I got an idea I stole from a tumblr about funny quotes our player's say
I'll start a little later but maybe you guys have funny things they say.

I love my players omg, but they say some weird stuff sometimes. I dont have exact quotes, my memories too bad for that, but my drow fighter has screamed the lyrics to twenty one guns, all for a magic vape that lets her grow two cup sizes per day. And when the halfling bard was choosing their instrument, after a small 'this is what the book says, but you can go beyond that if you want' spiel, wanted "one grand piano", specifically.

A group of mine was fighting a horde of tiny tree ents and one of our players (paladin) was extremely fond, and quick!, with puns and was driving our DM a little insane.

At the time I (a rogue) was the one most capable of taking care of myself against multiple enemies so I had left the group to face off the last couple of tiny ents to clear an escape route for them. By the time I had cleared the room and returned the Paladin had made soo many tree puns that our DM snapped and made the last tiny ent a GIANT ent that nearly killed the entire group. I got back and took out the tree but the puns never stopped.

DM: You're lucky Mal's (me) dice love her or you'd all be dead meat.
Paladin: I think you mean we'd all be dead leaf.
Cue groans, shouting and several dice thrown at the paladin in real life. It was a great thing to watch.

HAHA okay so here's one from Tuesday

My party was defeating a boss who had erased their memories (that's the basis of the campaign) once defeated the party decided it was ok to ahem do things to the dead body of the boss

Archer: I start to kick his chest in till I find his heart
Me (DM):Uh…. ok roll a strength check
Archer:rolls natural 20 hehehe
Me:Dear god….
Archer:I rip his heart out and start eating it!
Druid (Is right now a dire wolf):I want to join in as well rolls an 18 on eating the dead body
Me:You guys ate the whole body the gods above are staring at you with disgust.
Archer:FUCK EM
Druid:up at the sky SCREW YOU
Cleric:LET'S NOT

The party then ensued to do a chant around the dead body than the cleric prayed to gain a skill bonus on medicine because he watched what not to do when healing someone

There's a Campaign I sometimes watch online called High Rollers. One of the guys, a Drow Warlock, had a magic rope that would wrap around anything. Unfortunately he lost it around a tree. A few minuets later they meet up with some elf.

Comander: Oh that's a nice looking rope you've picked up there
Palor: Oh yea I've just found it. It was hanging around a tree
Comander: It seems to be magical or something
Drow: (Getting very mad.) THAT'S MY ROPE! (Slams his hands on the table)

Very funny series highly recommend you check it out

A group of friends and I were playing the Curse of Strahd campaign earlier this week, and we found a woman selling pastries. I snuck off from the party and bought one.

Clovis (me): *High as a kite because the pastry was drugged
Zuke: what're you doing on the ground?
Clovis: Indistinct mumbling and laughing
David: GET THE PASTRY LADY

BEAT THE PASTRY LADY

Alright so one time our party was sneaking into a dragon cult's base to rescue their bard (me) who's about to be sacrficed to their dragon overlord.
DM as cultist leader: OH great dragon I humbly present to you this human sacrifice and these piles of gold!
Paladin: Rip
Ranger: Rip Landion (My character)
Priest: BYE BYE LITTLE SEBASTIAN
DM as dragon: I see… any last words my sacrifice?
Me: OH great dragon I present to you these six cultist sacrifices and these piles of gold for your pleasure.
DM snickering: The dragon goes "Hmmmm I like you, duck"
Me: I duck?
DM: The dragon burns the six cultists passes you a pile of gold and a horn and says "Those fools have been trying to please me for years but you made my day, blow in the horn whenever you need my assistance" And the dragon flies away with the rest of the gold
The entire party: HOLY SHIZ WTF THIS IS SO AWESOME LANDION HAS A DRAGON FAMILIAR ALREADY WOOOOO

Lol. @Your-Humerus, I heard this story somewhere else too. I can't remember where, but it is genius. Here is one from my campaign:

Me (DM) as town mayor: Guards, head to town gates and ensure Galhuir does not leave.
Me: Two guards run off in two of the directions. The third starts to walk off towards the south gate.
Party Members: We head to the south gate.
Me: You all run right past Jeff the guard.
Party Members: Why is he just walking.
Me: Jeff is a lazy bastard.

So my players had the opportunity to take the front door or bust through some rubble on the side.
Vaconto: "I don't know… Front doors are kinda scary."
Wizomal: "There's some rubble over there… I know you want to"
Ventis: "I think it's Kool-Aid Man time."
Vaconto (busting through the wall): "OH YEEEEAAH!!"

@Mindful_Bison that's so funny

To quote someone else as they described their D&D campaign to me, "-And that's how I ended up giving a crossbow a blowjob."

"I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WANTED IT BLOWN UP?"
"NO YOU IMBECILE, I SAID SPECIFICALLY NOT TO THAT!"
Que the halfling bard, who does a check and sees the hulking creature behind them.
"Guys. Beastie."
Que being ignored.
Bard huffs and goes over to watch the carnage.
Que Dragon, a rumbling purr. "Hullo travelers? What the frick are you doing in my cave.
Que group screaming in terror and fleeing.
Bard catches up later, smaller legs.
"At least it didn't eat you."
~Next Town~
Townsperson, to the cleric. "They do realize they appear to be on fire?"
The cleric had shrugged. Both offending party members had jumped in an enchanted lake, and come out high out of their minds.

AKA listen to the Halfling Bard.

always listen to the halfling bard.

DM: you have a vision of a beautiful ancient marble statue of a woman in her hands is a golden bow that seems to glow faintly in the darkness
Player: a bow?
Dm: yeah
player: a bow?
Dm: yes……
player: a bow? not a sword, a bow?
Dm: yes a bow! you know curvy object, string, shoots arrows
player: but, a bow?

Found some old quotes from a curse of strahd campaign I played in last year and can't remember most of who said what, but:

"You know pocket sand? I've got pocket potions."
"I roll to seduce the campfire."
"When will my wereraven return from the war?"
"As long as her husband dies, I don't care."
"I speak to worm, you speak to bird. What bird say?"
"I sold you once." "That's why you got stabbed."
"It's a silver dagger, so they can suck my dagger."

Very funny ^^^^^

So this was during a game we played last year.
half-orc fighter falls down a hole and grabs a rope, several ghouls scream below him
Half-orc: What am I supposed to do?!
ghouls start trying to grab him
Dwarven cleric: Just let go, you're huge, so you'd probably crush them anyway
he lets go
DM: One of the ghouls die, 9 ass damage to the other 2.
half orc get heaps of XP (irl) for ass damage and kills the other two whilst the rest of the party watch from above
Elven Thief: Now, how're we supposed to get him back up here?

The players found themselves in a long lost temple where they found a tree that seemed to be transformed into crystal. They decided to break off a branch and bring it along. They explored the rest of it and met the ancient guardian of the temple. At this point, the guardian was unaware of what they had done.

Guardian/DM: "Mortal intruders! You shall not dishonour this temple of gods!"
Rogue: "Oh no, honourable guardian. We are here to pay our respect to the gods."
rolls 18 on deception
DM: the guardian lowers his weapon and seems to calm down.
Rogue: I quickly fill in the others on whats going on.
Ranger: This was a temple of a forest god right?
DM: yes?
Ranger: cool, I pull that branch from earlier out of my bag to show the guardian and go "Yeah, we're here to worship the god. this is our sacrifice!"
the others are already facepalming
DM: THe guardian's eyes widen at the sight of the branch. He lets out a terrifying roar and charges past everyone straight for you.
Ranger: What did I do?
Cleric: dude, that tree is INSIDE the temple. It probably was some holy artefact and you just flaunted a broken branch at its guardian.
Ranger:….. oh.

Moral of the story. Try to figure out what something is before "using" it. I realize this is a long post but I'm not sure how to shorten it.

I can't remember the words said exactly, but I was DMing a campaign at school and one of my players completely distracted a bugbear from the fact that the party had killed his dog by playing a VERY convincing game of "got your nose."

1. "Can cure wounds cure my depression?"
2. A Tiefling warlock is being buried in a pit of sand by a kobald and convinces him to unbury him. Once his arms are free, he uses eldritch blast on another kobald.
   Kobald: (Turns around) Who did that?
   Tiefling warlock: Wasn't me!
   Kobald: (Rolls a nat 1) Okay
   He was also convinced he had sunburn… at night… in a cave
3. "I roll to seduce the boss." (And this guy goes on to succeed and get the boss to join our party. We later have to fight her anyway because one of the people in our party is picking on the boss' boyfriend and she gets angry)
4. Kobald leader, leading a horde of his brethren and surrounding our party: We have you surrounded!
   Tiefling warlock, who is invisible at this point: No, we have you surrounded!
5. Me, a dwarf paladin: So I run up to this guy, and I drop-kick him (We're hostages at this point and don't have our weapons.)
   DM: Okay, roll to hit
   Me: Nat 20
   DM: Roll damage
   Me: Max damage
   DM: So you drop-kick him so hard that his skull is smashed in. After you have done this, you see a little chef's hat fall to the ground next to him.
   Me: Oh noooooo! I killed the chef!
   Cut to me laugh-crying for like 5 minutes while everyone else takes their turns.

For context, we are on a boat, fighting pirates who are on another boat
Wizard: looking through his spellbook Ok, so I'm gonna cast Sticks to Snakes (a spell that, predictably, turns sticks into snakes).
DM: None of the pirates have spears or anything; what are you going to turn into snakes?
Wizard: The other ship's masts.
DM:
Wizard:
DM:
DM: I think there's a limit on the size of the stick.
Wizard: Please?
DM: Fine.
So he turns the masts into giant snakes which the pirates have to fight, and when the snakes and most of the pirates are dead, we take care of the remaining pirates and then loot the ship.

@Wry_Wyvern, that is absolutly genious. As both a player and DM I'm delighted by the creativity.

We were being ambushed by a (relatively) high-level gunslinger. I was in the covered wagon, not knowing anything was happening until I heard explosions and screams.

Gunslinger: shoots a bullet into the canvas right next to my head
Me: (Screaming) jumps out and finds him sitting in a tree, scorching rays the heck out of him
Gunslinger: Falls from tree
Wizard: GET ROPE (casting hold person)
Warlock (name Johnny Cash): Wassat thing he's holdin'?
Wizard: GET ROPE TIE HIM UP NOW
Johnny Cash: (Picks up handgun)* gasp * BIG IRON! (Puts it in his belt)
Me (player): Oh no the Goliath has a pistol
Johnny Cash: Never stops humming the tune to Big Iron

My campaign was chasing a lone kobold and our rouge wanted to befriend it.

Rouge: Wait! We're not going to hurt you! We want you to be out friend!
Kobold: Stops climbing up a huge wall of rock
Me playing a character for a person who couldn't make it: FRIEND!!!!!!!
Kobold: gets scared by my outburst and starts climbing
Sorcerer: I cast Thunder wave.
Rouge and Me: No!
DM: The kobold is now a little blood on the giant wall of rock.