"Because as much as Leviticus wants to hit you and hurt you and put you in your place, I think there is good in you." Johan had so many moments when he was friendly and sweet and even if he always snapped back to his normal defensive posturing, even if he never stayed that way for long, those moments existed. If Fi, someone he called his enemy, could coax them out, then other people could too. "You are no monster, Johannan. You are a person who deserves to be treated with respect, even if others do not think so."
Johan’s gaze fell down to the floor as they walked. His eyes were round, and he looked like he hadn’t heard words like those in such a long time. They rendered him speechless while he wondered how to respond. With anger, was his initial reaction, and then confusion, doubt: why would Fiori say something like that? He somehow landed on sadness as he watched the ground where they walked, furiously blinked to fight back tears. “Am I really so low that the only person who believes I am not a monster is an Usigen?”
Fi wished he could hug Johan, that this was something like a tangle in his hair that he could brush out and smooth down and make better. Instead, he settled for taking more of Johan's weight and turning down an abandoned hallway where nobody would walk up on them and see him like this. "I am the only one you have not hurt, Johannan. You are low now, yes, and I will not lie to you about that, but you can build yourself up again. You can learn from your mistakes."
“I’m fine, I’m fine…” Johan pressed his thumbs against his eyes to try and keep from crying. There was no way he was going to openly cry in front of Fiori, or anyone for that matter. He knew that it was inevitable he would hurt Fiori; he would have to in order to get out of this hell he was in. “Damn right I’ll build myself up again,” he wiped his face, straightening up his shoulders to compose himself again despite his reddened, and swollen eyes. “We should keep going, I’m perfectly fine.”
Fiori let his hand drift down a little so he could pull Johan in close to his side and it wasn't a hug but it was close enough. "I think you could use some time," he murmured, watching Johan try to put the pieces back together. Straighten up, blink away the tears, force his breath to flatten until it was steady enough. The same process Fi had used just yesterday. "There is no shame in needing to stop for a while. You are hurting."
Johan shrank from Fiori’s half hug. He shook his head, focused on deepening his breath to make it at least appear more even. “I’m fine,” he insisted impatiently, “We’ve stopped long enough already. The kitchens aren’t very far, and I’ll sit down there.” They longer they were standing here the more his head would hurt, the more he would have to think about everything, when he just wanted to forget. “Let’s go. Please.”
Fi sighed and let Johan pull away from him, readjusting his hold as they wandered back into the hall. Johan was right, it really wasn't much longer to the kitchens, so he sucked it up and carried Johan in. He set him at the same table from before, giving him a worried, searching look before he pulled away. "Your eyes are red," he murmured. "You should let yourself cry."
Johan only verbally protested as he was carried, but his ribs were likely grateful for the break. He shifted into his seat at the table, and when Fiori mentioned his eyes he pressed the meat of his palm against the corresponding leaking eye. “Yes, I am really fine,” he sniffed a few more times just to make sure. “Just, go get Cora. I’m ready to see her.” Even though her didn’t want her to see him on the verge of tears, he knew it wouldn’t be the first time. He had used to visit her every time something bothered him.
Fi watched him for a few more seconds, lips pressed into a thin line, before he nodded and pushed off into the kitchen. He was gone for a while and when he came back it was with Cora at his back, worry creased in every line of her face. "Oh baby," she murmured, hurrying over to wrap Johan up in a hug. Her hands carded through his hair, soft and gentle even as her mouth screwed up a little and those big brown eyes started looking suspiciously watery. "What did they do to you?"
“Cora…” Johan’s lips pulled into a nervous smile when he saw her. He lightly hugged her back, ginger with his ribs, placing his hands on her arms. “He—Levi, Leviticus cut my hair.” Her image became blurry in his vision, and he blinked away his own tears. “Do you like it?” He attempted with a small, restrained laugh. “Just trying something new.”
Cora laughed weakly, running her fingers through the back of his hair over and over like she couldn't make sense of it. "I think you look just fine, baby." Her smile was weak but it still crinkled up the corners of her eyes. She'd always been expressive, even through her grief. "Just like you did when you were little. What kept you away for so long, baby? I've been missing you."
“I’ve been busy,” Johan answered vaguely at first. He had been missing her too, most often when he had nothing else to do except sit. “I have more things to do around the castle now that I’m not little anymore. Especially after Leviticus… left.” For a moment he wondered if she hadn’t heard about everything that was addressed in the ceremony. It was a meager hope, and he silently vowed to pretend everything was just as it was until he couldn’t pretend any longer.
Cora pulled back just far enough to let her eyes rake over Johan. They were both so much older now, Johan with his sharp cheeks and his scar. Gods, that had been the last time she'd seen him when he came in weeks after the battlefield with that jagged red line down his face. She'd cried then, like she was so close to crying now, and he'd walked away and never come back. Her own changes were more subtle than that. Grey hair, wrinkles, more callouses on her hands. "Always been such a pusher, baby." She reached up to gently cup his face, pure concern on her face. "Pushed your brother right out of our country. What were you thinking?
Johan grimaced. So she had heard. He didn’t pull his chin away from her like he pulled away from Fiori. “I don’t know. I just just couldn’t stand seeing his face,” he admitted, tension trembled in his words. It was a half truth: He couldn’t stand to look up at Leviticus any longer, not when he’d done practically nothing to deserve the place in the palace. The other half, he didn’t know, himself. An unexplained wave of anger whenever he saw his older brother, inexplicable hatred.
"Baby." She sounded so disappointed. Her fingers smoothed over Johan's cheeks, trying and failing to smooth out the frown lines. "Baby, I know you don't like him but you've been this way since Mikhail was born. He's your brother and he loved you so much." She'd watched Johan twist himself like this, always straining for every drop of attention someone could spare him and hissing like a demon when it was turned to his brother instead. "But enough about that, let's… let's talk about better things. What's happened while you were busy? You used to come to me all the time."
“Well,” Johan scrunched up his face, feeling that heavy lump in his throat. It swelled as he heard the disappointment in her words. He tilted his cheek against her hand. “Training, mostly. And I made some changes to the palace, as much as I could with what limitations I did try to make things better, I really did,” he insisted. He thought he could have done more, but his brother returned too early. “It’s not like I can do anything more now, Cora, I can’t even spar.”
Cora pulled him in closer, smoothing gently over his scar. Her poor baby, still so caught up in his own world. Barely grown and already stuck in so much trouble. "Oh that sounds nice, baby." Her voice went high with hope, clutching at the good Johan had done. "That sounds real great. You've always done your best for this place, even when it didn't do its best for you. Things'll get better. I know it, you can always trust a mother's intuition with this and you're still my baby boy. Just as angry as you were when you were a teen." She gave him a watery smile. "You've just gotta grow up a little, baby. That's all."
Johan’s frown deepened as he mulled over Cora’s words. “Y’know, mum, my nineteenth birthday is still over a month away. I still have a little over a year to be angry,” he forced out another small laugh, and lifted his hand to rest over hers. Normally, most often he just called her Cora, but shortly after his biological mother died, he started calling her mum. And it wasn’t long after that he went off on his tour. “It hasn’t been that long since I visited you, even if it feels like it.”
Cora laughed too, smoothing a thumb across his cheek with a slightly brighter smile. "No you don't, baby. You're an adult now. Gods… you've been an adult since your mama passed and you had to start raising yourself." She leaned into him, wrapping her arms around him harder to hold him close. He was so much bigger than she remembered, but maybe that was just because he'd been her baby for so long. "It feels like it's been years, baby. You've never been one for looking back, what brought me to mind?"
“I came here last night for supper, and Fiori came out of the kitchens and I just…remembered being in there,” he admitted. “Speaking of Fiori,” he scratched his lip. “Did he tell you everything? Or do you know about everything?” He never imagined it would be so easy to talk to Cora again after so long, but it lifted such a weight from his chest to talk so openly with someone he knew for sure wouldn’t ever harm him.
Cora laughed and finally her smile was the one she used to give Johan in softer, less troubled times. Pleased, proud, so strikingly happy abut whatever he'd said that her whole face lit up with it. "Fiori's a nice boy, baby. Didn't tell me much, said it wasn't his place, but…" She pressed her lips together. "…I know. I know what you've gotta do, he doesn't… he doesn't take advantage of you, does he baby? He's not bad to you?"
“No.” Johan shook his head, glancing off to the side for a few seconds. “No, he doesn’t seem like that type of person. But, I’ve only known him for not even a full day. He seems nice enough, but, I’m still convinced he’s not on my side. Surely he and Leviticus have some sort of plan, and Leviticus wants to hurt me.” His words gradually starting quickening, and he had to pause to catch his breath. “I just don’t know, Cora, and I can’t do anything anyway until I recover.”
Fi had disappeared into the kitchen somewhere, leaving Cora and Johan to their privacy. Cora Held Johan close, rubbing his back as his words started to speed and speed. "He's a good man, Johan. Bound himself to a good god, was good to your brother even though he didn't have to be. He'll keep his promises." She pulled back a little, rubbing over Johan's scar again before she let her hands drop from around him. "I'm sure you'll be just fine, baby. Come down here when you can, I'll cook with you. It'll be like the old days."
“Of course. I’m looking forward to it,” he nodded weakly, smiling softly back to her, a softer expression than he ever gave Fiori, or even his brother for a long time. “I’ll visit more. But I won’t feel up to cooking for some time. When my ribs heal,” he promised earnestly. “I’m glad I came to see you today.”
Cora smiled back at him, warm and happy and a little proud. Proud that Johan had come to see her again, proud that he still trusted her enough to make promises. She nodded eagerly, taking Johan's hands in hers. "I'll look forward to it, baby. I'm glad you came to see me too, I don't know how I kept going on without you coming down to chat."
