forum Flying in a dream, stars by the pocketful. You wanting me tonight feels impossible

Started July 09, 2023 by @emilyevewrites group

tune

(Yeah, lmao!)

Horst nodded, then simply listened to her words. It explained quite a bit, but left just as many questions as it had answered. There was more going on here than he’d thought. Damn, he was out of it. Usually he would’ve picked up on that by now. He needed some decent food, and a very long nap.

“Well, I thank you for the kindness nonetheless. So… you’re from the city? London?”he asked.

He figured he go for something smaller, work his way up to the bigger questions. The more context he had before getting to the deep questions, the better he’d understand who and what he was dealing with.

Rosaline's expression softened at his thanks. "You're welcome," she replied simply. It felt like hardly anyone had thanked her for anything in a long time. Hearing the words was odd, but not unwelcome.

"Yes," she answered. "Well, yes and no. Originally from Manchester, then moved to London, and now I'm here." She readjusted herself to sit up a little straighter as her body began to become mobile again, and without hesitating, she transitioned into her next question their ping-ponging 'getting to know each other' conversation. "Where are you from?"

A small smile appeared on Horst’s face at her reply. It lingered a bit as he listened to her, intrigued by her words and comforted by her increasing mobility.

“Germany. The Black Forest, specifically. To be honest… though I have only told a rare few this… I’m not from any town. I was born in the forest itself, the wilderness. I didn’t know what a town looked like until I was… six? Eight? Probably closer to eight,”Horst answered.

He considered his next question for a bit before speaking. He still wanted to go slow with the questions, but he was already starting to get stumped. Fuck, he was tired. But, he had too much to think about to sleep. Fuck!

“Favorite childhood memory?”

Rosaline’s eyes widened with interest. He was from Germany? She’d always wanted to go the Germany, but she’d never gotten the chance to. Then his confession made her mouth drop open. “You were born in the middle of the woods?” she asked incredulously. “Wow…”

But his next question made Rosaline tense almost immediately. She would’ve tried not to show it, but her body reacted automatically and it was too late to stop it. Fuck. “I,” she began, but she stopped. Too many memories of her childhood and teenage years had a dark shadow cast over it. “I don’t have one,” she finally answered shortly.

Horst nodded, an uncharacteristically shy gleam coming into his eyes. He didn’t often talk about the wild nature of his birth. Only about five people in his entire life, of the dozens Horst had met through the years, actually knew of it. Two were dead, which meant only three people knew of his birthplace. Though… it was four now.

He saw her tense up and instantly grew worried. Her stammering only made him more concerned, until she finally said it. She’d had a rough childhood, one in which she likely wished to forget everything. He could only guess the particulars, but it still broke his heart.

Horst sighed, lowering and shaking his head. He fought the temptation to move over next to her and try to hold her hand or hug her. That wasn’t Rosaline’s way of dealing with stress. It was his.

“Shit. I’m sorry. I hadn’t meant to stir up bad memories. Usually I can tell what to ask and what not to ask, but I guess that’s gone to hell recently. I can ask something else if you want, or you can just skip it,”he said quietly, glancing up with an apologetic gaze.

Rosaline watched his reaction and steeled herself. Saying her childhood had been difficult was an oversimplification. It was the stuff of nightmares for kids and adults alike.

"It's alright," she replied simply. "You can't tell by looking at me. Hardly anyone knows, least of all people here." She laced her fingers tightly in her lap and gripped herself tightly as she prepared to speak again.

"I've had breast cancer twice. Once as a teenager, and again… about ten years ago. Growing up, my life was trips to and from the hospital, rounds upon rounds of chemotherapy treatment, and weekends spent alone in my room. I still hate white walls, white sheets, and white curtains. It… It makes me think I'm there again. And I don't ever want to go back. The recurrence was the worst. I thought I was over it, but it just came back out of nowhere. I've done everything possible to keep it from recurring again. Before coming to the Isle, I had a biopsy. I was petrified, but the results came back three days ago – negative. Sometimes I get chest pains, and it scares me into thinking that the cancer will have another recurrence."

Rosaline took a breath and paused at the end of her story. Her expression softened before she added, "But I suppose my favorite memory would be once I was finally cancer free at seventeen, and my parents took Becca and me to the beach for the entire day. It was the most fun I'd ever had in my life."

“I’ve been reading body language since I was little, so I pick up on things pretty fast. But… I haven’t slept that well lately, and it’s showing,”Horst replied, sighing.

He then winced as she started her tale. He hadn’t meant for her to explain, but if she felt like it, he wasn’t going to stop her. But, just listening to it all, Horst recognized that she’d had a very rough youth. It actually reminded him of his own childhood, when he’d had something similar, though not nearly as defined as cancer. He hated thinking about that time, mostly because he had felt so horrible that he could barely remember what had happened.

“Damn. I can only imagine what you went through. To be honest, I’ve never seen the inside of a hospital. Though, I probably should have a few times. Mainly when I was… nine? Either nine or fifteen, or both. I don’t remember. I don’t know what it is was, but it was severe, and I’m sure it would’ve killed me given the chance.”

Horst debated stopping there, but decided to be as open as Rosaline had just been. Besides, his words were a bit too vague anyway.

“It’s all a bit hazy, probably from a combination of age and misery. But, I had stopped in an old, burned down house, and I got bad enough that I couldn’t do much more than wheeze. Some time later, a french girl, a bit younger than me, came along. She told me her name was Eau Claire, talked to me, soothed me. Then, she left. She came back the next day with medicine. She talked to me again, reassured me that the medicine would help. Left again. She came again the next day, then the next, and the next, until I got better. It took… a month? Month and a half? Something like that. I finally started to recover. It took another month for me to start moving around again. Eau Claire led me to a better shelter and cared for me until I was completely recovered. As thanks, I asked if she wanted to come with me in my travels, and she accepted. That would probably be my favorite childhood memory, when she decided to come with me.”

Rosaline hummed softly. She didn't make a comment, but she understood. The same could be said of her.

Seeing his wince at the beginning of her story, Rosaline fumbled her way through the first bit of it. Was she oversharing? Had she told him too much? She stiffened as she finished, bracing herself mentally for the comments of immense pity or looking at her like she was a weak, fragile object. Instead, she got what she was least expecting – complete and total understanding.

Her naturally cold and stoic demeanor softened as she listened to him. As he mentioned Eau Claire, Rosaline's stomach tightened, and she had no viable explanation as to why.

"I'm glad that Eau Claire was there for you," Rosaline said genuinely. She knew the feeling of being sick and hopeless and alone, so she felt true relief that the other woman had been able to help Horst out of his illness. "Is she traveling with you now?"

Horst noted her hum. It seemed that she understood reading body language too.

He noticed her fumbling, quickly realizing that his wince had affected her. He suppressed a sigh at that. But, he still didn’t stop her from telling her story.

Her demeanor softened as Horst spoke, and he didn’t miss it. It was a comfort honestly, to find common ground with Rosaline. To find someone who understood how rough childhood illness could be.

“So am I,”Horst replied. He then shook his head.

“Up until a few months ago, thereabouts, yes. I left to go on my own for a bit. It’s not the first time I’ve done that,”Horst answered breifly.

He went quiet for a moment, descending into deep thought. But, a couple minutes later, he returned to the present.

“It’s your turn for a question,”he said.

As comforting as they seemed to be to each other, Rosaline knew she couldn’t let herself fall for Horst. He was a man she’d found on the side of the street looking horrid and… and nothing like the handsome man who was looking at her now.

She couldn’t be thinking like that. She was with Jacob. Well, sort of. They had never truly announced to the world that they were together, but she considered herself his girlfriend. It had been a while since she’d been one. But did he consider her that way?

“I see,” Rosaline murmured.

As Horst lost himself to his thoughts, Rosaline realized just how badly she wanted tea, but she didn’t want to get up and make it. Maybe in a few minutes she’d go and make some. Enough for Jacob to have some too when he got back. They hadn’t even slept together, and they were already acting like they’d been married for ages.

But Horst… there was something comforting and familiar and simplistic about him that Rosaline couldn’t deny.

His words distracted her. “Oh, I suppose it is,” she agreed. “Well… do you have feelings for Eau Claire?” Rosaline didn’t know quite where that question had come from, but she didn’t react to the surprise of her own words.

Rosaline’s question caught him completely off guard and Horst burst into a fit of embarrassed chuckling. He looked at the floor, a bit lost on how to answer.

“I…”Horst trailed off, giving another embarrassed chuckle.

“I… um… Well… It… It’s complicated, I guess. I… I don’t know. Eau Claire is… like a sister to me, I suppose. We’ve always been close, and I utterly adore her, but… we’ve always… I don’t know,”Horst stammered.

He continued to stare at the floor, pondering over the complex knot of feelings he had for Eau Claire. He wasn’t sure what any of it was. He had no biological siblings to compare the feelings to, and his love for Angelique had felt much different to what he felt for Eau Claire. So, was it love? Or something else entirely?

After a long minute, Horst remembered that it was now his turn to ask a question. He also remembered that he hadn’t eaten anything in a while. Food was a very appealing thought at the moment.

“So, if you don’t mind, maybe we could do one more round of questions, then pick it back up later? I’m starving,”Horst asked.

“And, my question would be… What is your opinion of cannabis?”Horst added.

Rosaline simply waited patiently for his answer. She lifted her feet up and curled them under her legs to adjust to a more comfortable position. Her mobility had almost returned from her panic attack, and she reached up to smooth her hair down slightly as he chuckled.

She listened to him stammer, unflinching and attentive. Her eyes picked up on his tells, especially how he wouldn't avert his gaze from the floor, not even to look up at her. Whatever he felt for this woman… it was deep. Complicated. Rosaline could understand that. She had a similar relationship with her parents. Especially her mother. Mary was a basket case.

Though she knew the feelings she had toward Becca, her own sister, and the feelings she had toward Jacob. Without a brother of her own, it was hard to compare, but she loved Jacob beyond what she assumed it would be like to love a brother. Combining that with being saved while chronically ill as a child, Rosaline could only imagine what Horst felt for Eau Claire. He was obviously lucky to have the woman.

There was a long pause, and Rosaline wondered if she should prompt him. She'd just asked a question, which meant it was his turn. But he spoke right as she was about to, so instead, she nodded simply at his ask.

"Yes, that sounds fine. I can make you something if you like. I did just buy groceries that should last us a few days or so at least." And she'd carried them all up to the house by herself. She was just glad Jacob hadn't really questioned her as to why she'd simply ignored their plan to drive her back up to Bayview. She hadn't felt like talking about it. That anger had likely contributed to her panic attack, but there was no way in hell she'd seek out the only woman in Laxey who might be able to help her. Absolutely not. For too many reasons.

Rosaline, however, immediately tensed at his next question. She inhaled shakily and held the arms of the chair tighter, if only slightly. "I despise any sort of drug," she answered bluntly.

Horst didn’t notice how Rosaline was sitting until he was asking his question for her. It was nice to see that she was getting mostly mobile again.

“If you don’t mind. I would be honored, and extremely grateful,”Horst said quietly.

He hummed when he saw her reaction, and he nodded at her words. He wasn’t surprised, particularly considering the way she’d reacted to him when they first met. Sure, he’d smelled foul, but he’d also stank of cannabis.

“Makes sense. I share the same sentiment, except in regards to cannabis. It helps me sleep. It’s about the only thing that does. I… am an insomniac. If you’ll allow my indulgence of it, I won’t smoke it in or near the house. But… if you insist, I’ll abstain. Just, be prepared, I get surly after a while with no sleep. And… a lot more paranoid,”Horst said.

Rosaline simply nodded. She would ask him what sort of food he normally ate, but only after they were finished with their little question game. Interrupting it now seemed to be poor taste.

She sat rigid and listened to his reasoning. Rosaline could understand not being able to sleep. She wasn't a true insomniac, but more nights than not, she seemed to be unable of finding stillness, at least enough to rest. Ever since she'd moved from London, the nights had been too quiet, and the thoughts running through her mind had been too overwhelming.

After a moment of thought, a tired sigh escaped Rosaline. "Very well," she relented. "You may use it as you please. Just… not inside. But fair warning: cannabis is legal on the Isle of Man, but not in the UK. So should you travel to the mainland, I advise discretion."

Horst noted her posture and expression as he explained. She wasn’t fond of his use of cannabis, that much was already obvious. But, there was something in her look. An understanding there. How many sleepless nights has she had?

He then nodded at her decision. It concerned him a little that she had given in so easily, but he was grateful that she was allowing him to smoke cannabis despite her dislike of it.

“I’ll make sure to keep a distance as well, so the smell isn’t as likely to drift into here. I knew it was illegal in the UK, though I honestly wasn’t sure about here. But, I always try to be careful, wherever I am,”Horst replied.

Rosaline clocked his nod before looking down at her hand. She distracted herself by dutifully observing her fingernails, trying to not think about where her mind automatically went at any sort of mention of drugs. It made her stomach twist, just as it had when she first heard the news.

Shit, she needed to get herself under control. Stop from spiraling, or she would have another panic attack. And two in such a short span of time would make her entirely useless. Rosaline didn't want that.

She looked back up as he spoke again. "Thank you," she replied thickly. There was something hiding in her voice, but before he had too much time to question what that was, Rosaline was pushing herself to her feet and walking back to the kitchen. It couldn't be said if she'd either forgotten or was ignoring the fact that she still had one question.

"What sort of food do you like?" she called over her shoulder.

Horst saw the way Rosaline looked away. There was something definitely bothering her, and it was connected to drugs. He’d have to keep an eye on that. For now though, he didn’t react to the discovery. He didn’t want to upset her more.

He nodded at her thanks, then paused, wondering exactly why she was thanking him. There was more to it. What was it?

Rosaline got up before he could ask though. Horst suppressed a sigh and watched her go. He hadn’t even thought of Rosaline’s next question. He was so used to Eau Claire or one of the others in his group cooking that he hadn’t considered Rosaline would ask.

“Honestly, I’m not real particular when it comes to food. Make what you want. I won’t complain,”he answered.