Cole didn’t get more than a few steps toward Itzal before the world exploded into light. And as soon as he had been transported into…wherever they had gone, they were back in the forest.
He groaned as the world came back into focus around him, accompanied by a pounding headache similar to the one he got when first speaking to Alluma. Clearly godly powers didn’t mix well with humans. Prying his eyes opened, he propped himself up on his elbows, blinking as he looked around at the gods. “Where were we? What was that place? What was going on with Itzal?”
Eventually he knew he could wrap his mind around what had happened, but currently his head was at a breaking point. Too much had happened in the past few hours, and mentally any more was going to require him to sit down and process everything. Especially since whatever had just happened involved Itzal and the other gods.
"That was our home. Before we made it our home," Zoei explained quietly, face still filled with shock. "But it wasn't supposed to look like that… it was empty…" The rest of the gods seemed to be having the same idea.
"What was Itzal doing? Talking about saving us. What did he mean?" Lazare burst out, turning to look at the god. His eyes were still closed, though this time it was by his own doing. Itzal had woken up with the rest of the gods but was still trying to process what he'd just seen/done. How could have he forgotten all of that? Was it really… did he really do that? Wipe all the gods' memories so they didn't remember the origin of their home or the beings?
"He's awake." Alluma grumbled, standing and walking towards him. Damn Alluma. Itzal let out a breath and slowly opened his eyes. "Mind explaining all that?"
"I, uh, don't really know," Itzal admitted, sitting up and glancing around at the rest of the gods before his gaze landed on Cole. He looked okay, at least physically. "You're alright," he whispered, giving the man a soft smile.
"Ah, no, you're going to tell us what that was first!" Finlai exclaimed, jumping between Itzal and Cole. "Was that real or some weird dream you had?"
Cole listened quietly. Itzal had mentioned the god's home before, was it possible that the gods had been the bad guys and had took the being's home for themselves? The gods seemed about as confused as he felt, easing his worry. Something that major had to be something they would remember. Whatever he had just seen had to have been a dream, just a figment of imagination and nothing more.
Looking over, he smiled at Itzal, realising that he had woken up. "You're back," He replied softly, attempting to scoot closer to him before one of the other gods jumped between them. He frowned, glancing up at the god before reluctantly going back to where he sat. Learning what had happened unfortunately outweighed spending time talking with Itzal.
(Sorry for the wait, school has been trying to bury me alive. :)
"It, uh…" Itzal started, not sure what to say. He was really wishing it was a weird dream, but it was really starting to feel like reality. He didn't want to tell the gods that it was the truth, though, especially since it seemed to be him who wiped their memories of those events in the first place. He'd had a good reason. But they'd already seen it. They were probably starting to remember, too. It would be wrong of him to hide it from them anymore. "It was real," he whispered, voice almost too soft to hear.
"You're joking." Finlai reached down and grabbed his wrist a little too tightly. "You mean to tell us those beings were there before us? That we destroyed them in order to get our home?"
"Yes." Itzal nodded, not meeting any of their eyes.
"And you made us forget too?" Lazare exclaimed, letting out a laugh. "Oh, Itzal, you tricky man!"
"I did it for us. There's no way we could have lived there peacefully if you had remembered what had happened there!" Itzal burst out, pulling his wrist from Finlai's grasp.
"You don't know that!"
"I did!" The words forced their way out of Itzal's mouth before he was even aware of them. Another memory slowly rose to the surface. He'd seen the future standing there on that battlefield. If the gods had remembered… stars, it was so blurry. But he was sure something bad would have happened to them.
(You're all good, same here)
Cole did his best to process the situation in his head, looking at the ground with furrowed eyebrows. The gods had taken the being's home for themselves, and Itzal had been the one to hide the truth. It was a new thought, to try to see Itzal as someone bad, even if he had done it for the safety of the other gods.
"Why did you do it?" He found himself asking towards the dirt, unsure if his words would be heard over the others arguing. He saw Itzal's logic, and he knew there had to be a good reason for him to do it, but he needed to hear it out of his mouth to believe him. "Why?" Looking up, he tried to meet Itzal's eyes, the emotion on his face hard to decipher.
(Not me writing this in class and screaming silently to myself because Itzal, what the hell are you doing)
"You saw something, didn't you?" Zoei whispered, eyes wide. The rest of the gods looked just as shocked, though some of them looked quite a bit angrier.
"Itzal, Itzal. I thought I was supposed to be the bad guy," Lazare laughed, shaking their head. "Who knew it was you all along?"
"I'm not a bad guy, Lazare," Itzal snapped, glaring over at them. The fact that he snapped probably just refuted his point, but they were pushing him. He barely remembered what had happened and they were already interrogating him and thinking the worst.
"Oh, and why is that? Taking our memories without consulting us first, presumably leading us there to kill those beings in the first place… tell me, how does that make you a good person?" Lazare pushed, stepping in front of him with a nasty smile. The gods went silent, waiting for a response. In that silence, Cole's voice burst through. Itzal met eyes with the man, an uncomfortable feeling starting to build in his chest. Even Cole was doubting him now? Had everyone suddenly turned against him? Over something he did for them, for their future? Itzal slowly rose to his feet and let out a long breath.
"Everything I did, the good and the bad, I did for you," he said slowly, voice quiet. Deadly calm, in fact. He was doing everything he could to stay calm, stay civil when all he really wanted to do was scream at them that he didn't know either. That his memories had been taken, same as theirs. That this person they were talking about was a stranger. Though even as he thought that, he wasn't quite sure that last part was true.
"What did you see, Itzal?" Finlai growled, stalking up next to Lazare. "What in the world could be so horrible that you erased our entire past just to be rid of it?"
He closed his eyes as Itzal replied, letting out a soft breath as he got to his feet. Cole wasn't expecting any other answer, if anything, it was the only one he was expecting, from what he knew of the god. Everything he did was for the other gods, and while he respected it, understood it even, he was fighting with himself internally over whether it made him a bad person or not. Cole didn't speak, simply listening to what they had to say. It didn't feel right, to speak on a topic that didn't apply to him. All he could do was listen and think over what the new information made him feel, what it made him think of the god he loved.
"I… I don't…" Itzal shook his head, dropping his gaze to the ground. As much as he searched his memories, he couldn't make out anything other than that strong feeling of foreboding.
"There isn't anything, is there?" Lazare asked, smirking at him. "You just wanted to look like a hero, not the man who led us into a war against people who probably didn't even deserve what we gave them. They're probably only monsters now because of what you ordered us to do in the past." Itzal swallowed hard, desperately trying to make sense of the thin threads of memory that were swirling around his head. He had to figure this out. He had to prove them wrong.
"Lazare, calm down," Zoei whispered, raising her gaze to the god of chaos. "You know Itzal isn't a bad person–"
"Do I now?" Lazare let out a sarcastic laugh. "Sure he is. Can't even be bothered to tell us the reason he did any of those things."
"That's because I can't remember either!" Itzal burst out. "My memories were wiped, same as yours."
"That's a nice excuse." Finlai shook her head. "But you're the god of time. You have to have the power to remember." Itzal glanced from her to Lazare, then looked at the rest of the gods. They all looked wary, as if they knew something bad was going to happen but didn't know when. Itzal finally turned to Cole. By the time this was over, he probably would have lost him. He wanted to take one last look before that face looked back at him with horror or disgust.
"Fine," Itzal whispered, reaching up and wrapping his hands around the pendant. Whatever had happened, he hoped that the Itzal of the past hadn't been a monster.
Cole didn't meet Itzal's eyes. He could feel the god's gaze on him, but he just looked to the ground, both out of fear that Lazare's accusations were true, and out of worry that the other gods would make him leave if he sided with Itzal. It was a cowardly thing to do, but he could only hope for the best. He didn't want to lose Itzal now, not after all he had been through at his side.
If Lazare was right, and Itzal was a man who killed the beings solely to provide a home for his family even though it was occupied, he knew that trusting him would never be an option again. But Cole hoped instead that the beings had done something to provoke the gods, something that could justify Itzal's actions enough that Cole could continue trusting and believing in the god of time.
(I apologize for the continued long posts and hope they aren't too much! :)
Itzal took a deep breath, calling the past around them. The pendant in his hands started burning, but he kept his fingers locked around it. It was the one thing that could let him remember. For a moment, Itzal felt as though he was falling. His feet connected with something solid, a sudden feeling of nausea almost knocking him over. Itzal braced himself against a wall and glanced around slowly, but couldn't see any of the other gods–or Cole. Maybe it was a personalized memory. They were probably there, just out of his sight. In his looks around, Itzal slowly started to recognize the place he was in. It was his room, back before. Before anything. Before everything. The door banged open, and a man stormed in. It took him a second before he recognized himself. In hindsight, it shouldn't have taken so long. The man still looked like him. His hair was much shorter, granted, cut messily around his ears. The biggest difference was his face. Despite being younger than Itzal himself, his face was hard and drawn. As if he'd already faced the world and lost. The man dropped into a chair, slowly massaging his forehead. Itzal watched him for a few minutes before he did anything else.
"There has to be somewhere," The young Itzal breathed, sitting up in his chair and tracing a rectangle in the air in front of him. An image fizzed into existence, showing a bare hill. The image went fuzzy as young Itzal watched. After only a few seconds, he scoffed and made a swiping motion. The image cleared up, showing a different scene now. The young Itzal did the same thing several more times, seeming to get more annoyed with each new image. Watching this, Itzal slowly began to remember what he was doing. He was searching for somewhere safe for the gods to live. Each time he would find somewhere, search that place's future, and determine whether it was viable or not. If he was remembering right, it had taken a long time before he figured out the best place. Just as Itzal was thinking that, the younger Itzal let out a wonder-filled gasp.
"This…" He breathed, leaning towards the rectangle. It cleared, revealing a now-familiar stretch of open land. "This could be it." The younger Itzal waved the image forward in time, watching intently as time sped by faster than anyone other than the younger Itzal himself could catch. As he watched, his eyebrows slowly drew together. Itzal guessed what he saw. The beings. That would normally be the signal to move on, but for some reason, the younger Itzal kept going. His mouth turned up slightly the more he watched, until he was practically beaming. "Their fates are bad," He whispered to himself, leaning back in the chair. "Their continued existence will mean destruction for sure… We would be doing the world a favor if we end them here." A pit slowly started growing in the pit of Itzal's stomach. Had he really done that? Had he been like that?
(No I love them!)
Cole barely braced himself for another memory before he was swept inside. He pressed his eyes shut, feeling his mind twist as it tried to process whatever new surroundings they were in. After a moment, he cautiously opened his eyes. Instantly it was clear he was no longer in the forest, and with wide eyes, he realized he couldn't see the other gods, or Itzal.
Before he could let himself worry too much though, he focused back on what he new realized was a memory. He was looking inside a room as someone walked in, someone who looked very similar to the god of time. The longer he watched, the more he realized it had to be some form of Itzal's past that they were looking in on. One where he looked younger even though the look in his eyes made it seem like the god was carrying the weight of the world.
He watched the scene in silence, confusion written over his face. What was happening? The past Itzal was looking through time, into what he could only assume was the being's future. But…the younger version of him looked elated as he watched. It wasn't until Cole heard him speak that he realized what was really happening.
Lazare had been right. Past Itzal was going to try to get rid of the beings. No..he was going to wipe them out.
Confusion and horror and fear flooded his mind but he didn't look away from the scene. The part of him that wanted to believe Itzal was growing thinner, but he clung to it. There had to be something that would justify his actions.
(Okay, good! :)
The scene shifted. It was the younger Itzal again, sitting in the middle of an empty field. His head was buried in his hands, his entire posture one of utter defeat.
"Keyer…" The younger Itzal murmured, voice almost completely muffled by his hands. "I'm doing what's best for them, aren't I?" He finally raised his head, staring up at the stars. "Please, I just… I just want to keep them safe."
"Itzal! Is everything alright?" Zoei appeared behind him, a look of concern on her face. The younger Itzal jumped slightly, then quickly worked his face into one of calm.
"Yeah, just taking a quick breather before tomorrow!" The younger Itzal's voice was light, speaking nothing of the heaviness he seemed to carry. "Is there something wrong?" He turned towards her, a curious smile on his face.
"No, we just wondered where you'd gone." Zoei started smiling, apparently put at ease by his facade.
The scene faded again, turning into something Itzal was by now very familiar with. The younger Itzal, standing alone with dead beings all around him. He dropped into a crouch, a vision suddenly overtaking him. Itzal could somehow see it, and he bet the gods and Cole could too. It was the current future, without Itzal taking everyone's memories. One by one, each of the gods spiraled into insanity because of their guilt. They became the kind of monsters heroes were tasked with slaying, and Itzal had to watch it all happen. He couldn't do anything to stop it. So he decided. He would choose the lesser evil. And he'd take his own memory too. He didn't want to remember what he had done, either to the beings… or to the other gods.
The past slowly faded out, the ground disappearing momentarily before dumping everyone back into the forest. Itzal didn't bother trying to keep his balance, collapsing to his knees. He bowed his head, trying to process everything he'd just seen. Itzal had to say, he hadn't expected himself to be like… that. It was obvious to him that he had done everything he'd done out of love for the other gods, but he didn't know if the rest of the gods would agree. He had sent them into a war against an arguably innocent group of beings–because only he knew what they ended up as. And then he'd taken their memories of the whole event. To save them from a terrible fate, but something that would once again only reveal itself in the future. And if they were seeing this, would they end up in the same fate now?
Cole watched with increasing horror at the memories of the past continued. He couldn't believe what was happening. The thread of trust in Itzal was slipping, and by the time the memories had continued and they were dumped back into the forest, Cole couldn't think straight. His head ached from the strain of going through someone else's memory of the past, and his heart ached from the thought that Itzal truly wasn't who he believed he was.
As he was swept back into the present, he stumbled on his feet, and after a long moment of silence, finally spoke. "Can I go home?" He asked quietly, looking around at the other gods, but not at Itzal. A lump formed in his throat, and he went quiet again. What was there to say? Itzal had erased the others memories, and who was to say he wouldn't erase Cole's memory if it served him better in the long run.
None of the gods acknowledged that they had even heard Cole's question. Every single one of them was staring at Itzal. Some looked shocked, others betrayed. No one spoke for quite a while.
"I was right." Lazare's voice was uncharacteristically solemn. "You were the one who made the beings into monsters."
"No, they were going to turn. They had bad fates." Itzal's excuse sounded flimsy, even to him.
"Bad fates, huh?" Finlai scoffed, walking over to Itzal. "Nothing's set into stone until it's happened, Itzal. I would think you of all people would know that."
"I know, I–" Itzal finally looked up at the gods. "I was desperate. I needed to keep you safe, and it was the only place that could do it quickly."
"Needed to keep us safe? We can take care of ourselves just fine." Finlai snapped, grabbing his arm and hauling him onto his feet. "In fact, starting now, you're only going to be taking care of yourself." She glanced over at Cole, eyes softening slightly. "I think your mortal wants nothing to do with you, either."
"Wait, Finlai, we can't just leave Itzal here," Zoei whispers, looking at him with a conflicted look on her face.
"We can and we will. He lied to us, Zoei. He took our memories. There's no saying he won't do it again." Finlai let go of Itzal's arm, shoving him away from her. "It's best to get out of here before he comes to his senses."
"She's right, Zoei. At least for now…" Elief glanced at Itzal, the pain visible in her eyes. "We have to think about this."
"That's what I'm talking about!" Lazare laughed, giving Itzal a nasty grin. "See you never, Itzal." With that, the god of chaos disappeared in a burst of colors. Finlai shook her head, disappearing as well. Soon, it was just Itzal, Cole, and Elief. She stared at him for a second, then turned her attention to Cole.
"Sorry, you said you wanted to go home, right? I can do that." She held her hand out to Cole, glancing at Itzal for a second as she did. Itzal wanted to stop her so he could try to explain himself, but he had no idea how he was going to do it. It seemed even to him that he was the one in the wrong. Cole's response made sense. All their responses made sense.
Cole didn't speak, kicking at the ground with his feet as the gods voiced their opinions. He finally looked up when Elief spoke, though he didn't take her hand immediately. "Actually….could I talk to Itzal for a minute?" He finally asked softly, not sparing a glance in the god of time's direction, "He can take me home."
He wasn't sure what he was going to talk about, or even what he wanted to ask Itzal, but he needed to say something. It was wrong to simply walk away from him, even if it was clearly the right idea. No one in their right mind, god or human, should erase their friends memories, even in the same of protecting them. All he could hope was that Itzal didn't erase his own memory while they spoke. Though at the moment…he wouldn't put it past him. Not with what they were just shown about the past.
Elief frowned gently at Cole, but nodded.
"Alright. Good luck." Elief smiled gently at the man, giving Itzal one more complicated look before disappearing as well. Itzal stared at the place where she'd been for a couple of seconds, then turned to look at Cole.
"I…" Itzal started, trailing off after only one word. He had no idea what to say or do. Apologize, maybe? He had no idea how to, though. Sorry, I was a terrible person in the past? Sorry, I buckled under the pressure of protecting so many people for so long? Stars, those all sounded so fake. And even though he knew what he'd done was objectively bad, he didn't regret all of it. Because of what he did, the gods had been kept safe for quite a long time. They'd been happy, too. He was a bit scared of himself, really, because part of him wanted to do it again. They could be happy all over again. He could fix everything in the blink of an eye.
Cole blew out a soft breath, shifting on his feet as he tried to decide what to say. What was there to say? The past had seemed to explain everything. But it still felt wrong to walk away. "I don't agree with what you did." He finally started, staring at the ground, "Though I know you felt there was no other choice. The others have all right to be angry with you for taking their memories, and you never should have done it."
He paused, sighing again and sparing a small glance over at Itzal, emotions barely held back. "You might never earn their trust again, and for good reason. Still…it was the past. And I guess….well, I want to know…would you ever do it again?" With his question, he fully turned to look at the god, a mix of hope and confusion, anger and betrayal present. "I want to believe that you wouldn't, and if that's the case, I think I can still trust you. I want to still trust you. But if it's not…." He trailed off, figuring the silence filled in the blanks. If he couldn't trust him not to do it again, he couldn't be around Itzal. No matter how much it would crush him to have to walk away and move on from the chaos that had become his life.
(Hi, I apologize for the long wait. My brain is struggling with anything creative at the moment. I'll try to respond soon. Sorry again. :)
(You're all good! I'm excited to see a response when you get the motivation!)
(I live! A little bit, at least. Apologies again for the long absence. :)
Itzal stayed silent as Cole spoke. He couldn't make himself look at the man, especially with the thoughts that were swirling around in his mind. Half of him was trying to figure out ways to justify his actions. Each one sounded more pathetic than the last. And the other half was carefully mulling over the best way to wipe everyone's memories except for his own so things could go back to normal. What would his explanation for the events that had gone down? How would he explain the gap in their memories?
Cole's question finally made him raise his gaze to Cole. Would he do it again? He was already halfway to doing it. But there was something about the expression on Cole's face that made his thoughts pause for a second. If he did it again… there was a chance one of them would figure out what had happened, just like he'd figured out what had happened. And then he'd have to do this all over again. It would never end. If he just let it be… he might lose his family. In fact, he was almost positive he'd already lost them. But he'd still have Cole. He'd still have someone. And he'd have a chance to get the rest of them back as well. It would be small, but it was there.
"I…" Itzal trailed off after only one word. Would he do it again? Staring into Cole's eyes, Itzal suddenly found the answer was no. He couldn't lose this beautiful man in front of him. A tiny part of him whispered that if he took Cole's memories he would still have him, but a bigger part of him knew that wasn't true. He wouldn't have all of him. "No," he whispered, the word barely audible. "No, I wouldn't," Itzal continued, shaking his head slightly.
(No worries! Glad to see you back!)
Something similar to relief passed over his face for a moment, before he nodded and brushed the look away. He reminded himself silently that the least Itzal could do was keep from erasing their memories. "Good. That's a start at least," He said, taking a slow breath. The others would never speak to Itzal again if erasing their memories was a possibility, and Cole wanted to make sure that didn't happen. He needed to regain their trust, or otherwise Cole feared Itzal would forever be cut off from them. Cole wouldn't be around forever to give the god company, he was only mortal after all.
"I suppose you can't go back to your home if the others are there, can you?" He asked after a long pause, "My home is…well, it's a bit wrecked…but if you need a place to stay, and you truly won't erase my memories, you could spend some time there. If you want to. "
He felt something similar to pity for Itzal, even though the god had rightfully gotten himself in the mess. Even still, to have all of the gods he loved abandon him at once, Cole knew it would probably hit him hard. The least he could do was give him a place to stay for a while.
(Sorry for the long wait again! :)
Itzal nodded mutely, still fighting against the urge to make everything right again. He knew Keyer wouldn't want them to fight. They wanted all the gods to be together and safe. That's what he'd been charged with. Keeping them safe. And he'd failed. He'd failed so dramatically he wasn't sure he'd ever be able to make it right again. Keyer was probably so disappointed in him.
"Thank you," Itzal murmured, his gaze dropping to the ground. He really didn't know what he would do without Cole. Probably just stay here until he could figure out what to do next. "I can take us there if you want." He hesitantly held out a hand, wondering if Cole would even take it. It was a long way to walk, but if it made Cole feel more comfortable, then he would walk.
Cole looked at Itzal's outstretched hand, pausing as he looked toward the god. He was offering to take them to his home, and though he wasn't sure if it was a good idea to mend all bridges with the god who would erase his memories at any time, he didn't have the energy to walk home. "Sure." He said, slowly reaching out and taking Itzal's hand. "Though I might need your help fixing things at my home, I don't really want to do it all myself."
It was a minor thing, having the god work with him to repair his home, but Cole figured it was an alright trade. Especially since so much had happened to him already, he didn't want to pile any more huge responsibilities on his shoulders.
(Many much apologies for my inconsistency with replies. I'm giving the standard finals week excuse with a dash of mental health issues for some flavor. Again, so sorry. And one last thing, thank you so much for sticking with me for 2 years! <3 :)
Itzal nodded, trying not to focus on how hesitant Cole was acting. It made sense, but at the same time, he couldn't quite wrap his head around it. It wasn't like he'd done anything to Cole. He supposed it was just the possibility of what he could do. To be honest, he was a bit scared of that one too.
"Of course, I'll help," Itzal said softly. Maybe that would help ease some of the tension between them. He closed his eyes, blocking out all the other worries. All he had to do was take Cole home, help him with home repair, and not freak out anymore. Itzal let out a breath, starry magic enfolding them for a second. When it cleared, they were standing in Cole's living room. Itzal let go of Cole's hand and stepped away from the man. He didn't want to make him any more uncomfortable than he probably already was.
(No problem! Also holy shit has it already been that long??? Thank you for sticking with me as well, I forgot just how quick time goes by lol <3 I always look forward to read whatever you have written next and I know it's always going to be the highest quality, thank you for it all :D )
Cole squeezed Itzal's hand as the magic enveloped the pair, leaving them standing in middle of the destruction when it cleared. He released the god's hand after no more than a moment, letting him step away as needed.
He glanced around at the chaos with a frown. There were shards of his stair railing scattered everywhere, with a few larger chunks dotted about. His couch was tipped over, and little remained of his coffee table, both things he assumed were because of the beings. "Shit…" He sighed, eyeing his TV, which he had been avoiding looking at. Like the rest of the room, it wasn't in good shape, with a piece of railing stuck through the screen as well as being on the floor far from it's old place on the wall. Cole knew all too well that there was probably more damage done but he didn't care to look, focused instead on the mess at hand.
"Well…maybe this is a job for tomorrow?" He finally said, looking back at Itzal with a look of something like exhaustion and acceptance of the situation.
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