forum Depression and Choccy Milk (OXO with Caustic)

Started May 08, 2020 by @Painted-Iris group

tune

Nathaniel sobbed quietly into Zedd's arms, shaking more violently as he allowed himself to melt into the touch. "Y… Y-You're not gonna h— h-hurt me…?" He asked weakly, his voice scarcely more than a broken whisper. He clung tightly to Zedd, trying his hide his face in the other's shoulder. "B-But I… I disobeyed… I d-deserve it…" He hiccuped a bit and tightly gripped the fabric of Zedd's shirt.

"No, Nathaniel. To both. I could never hurt you. And an occasional slip up is normal. We'll just talk about it okay? No need for anyone to get hurt," Zeddicus reassured the angel. He rubbed gentle circles over Nathaniel's back, being careful to be light.
"You don't deserve to hurt…"

Nathaniel nodded shakily, clinging more tightly to Zedd while he cried. "I'm s-sorry…" He whispered. He wrapped his arms around Zedd's neck and huddled close to him for comfort. "P… P-Please… I just… I'm sorry… I need… c-close…" He stammered incoherently, trying to be as close to Zedd as possible. "Please…"

Zeddicus fully sat on the floor now, allowing the moment to last longer. "You're okay," he whispered, still rubbing Nathaniel's back. It hurt his heart so much to hear the boy break down so badly. At least when the angel had nightmares, Zedd could understand full sentences. Crying children were supposed to be annoying and difficult. But Nathaniel? When he cried, the boy had such a way of tugging someone's heartstrings because it was a pure form of sadness. It came from real pain and sorrow.

Nathaniel pulled himself closer and clung desperately to Zedd, his frail form being wracked with uncontrollable sobs. His wings trembled along with the rest of his shaking body, which he curled them around in an attempt to feel more secure. He was helpless and broken, physically unable to help himself at this point. He could do nothing but cry into Zedd's shoulder as he clung to him with all the strength he had left in him. "I-I…" He hesitated, his voice faltering and breaking. "N… N-No. I'm n-not. I'm not okay…" his whispered, his weak voice hardly audible.

Zeddicus frowned. He had meant safety wise, that Nathaniel was allowed to cry. Not something so deep. "It's… it's okay… to not be okay," he said quietly. The man wasn't even entirely okay himself. Nathaniel needed to understand that his emotions were acceptable due to his past. "We can stay here as long as you want. I know it feels bad, but it won't always feel that way."

Nathaniel nodded shakily, hiccuping as he struggled to calm down. "B-But how do you know? What if… w-what if it doesn't go away…? They're not gonna come back… t-they won't let me go back home… I c-can't ever be good enough for them…" He sobbed quietly. "I'll n-never have any of that back. It's g… g-gone— forever…" He rubbed at his teary eyes, still shaking violently. "Why am I not good enough for them? W-What did I do wrong? I t… I t-tried so hard, dad, and they just… they kicked me out over a stupid fucking injury that I couldn't control and I don't know how to live on earth and I just want to go home! Why don't they care about me?!" He was growing increasingly distressed and frustrated with the situation, just gripping Zedd's shirt tightly in his small fists.

Nathaniel was really letting go of all this emotional stress. No wonder he was so timid about expressing himself and his thoughts. The biggest thing he noticed was that the angel had called him dad.
The boy already had a father, right? Pushing the thought aside, Zedd would ask about it later. Nathaniel was upset as it was. "I can't speak for what they felt, but from my point of view…? I don't think you did anything wrong. Whoever did this to you was far too hard on you," Zeddicus hummed. It was extremely out of character for the man to act like this. Perhaps Nathaniel breaking down in front of him reminded him of himself. Nathaniel had other, and worse, reasons to cry however.
"I think you're pretty good…?" Zedd offered, voice quieter than before.

"B-But I'm not! They wouldn't have kicked me out of I was good enough! I couldn't even do fucking training without passing out over and over! I can't fly, I can't swim, I can't read English, I can't do anything that earth children can apparently, so I'm not good enough for earth either! Why am I still here?" Nathaniel was sobbing uncontrollably by now, huddling up in Zedd's lap and digging his fingernails into his arms. "My parents never fucking cared about me! It was always all about Lloyd! And Lloyd was great to me, b-but I just… they were never proud of me, and I tried so hard… I did everything I could have possibly done and they still fucking hated me! I kept training when I was in the hospital after I hurt my wings! I tried to find ways that I would be able to still be helpful without being able to fly, and they j-just… they sent me down here… t-they didn't care if I lived or died. They didn't teach me any basic fucking skills to survive down here. I was alone and scared and there was nothing I could do except just wait to inevitably die…" He dug his nails further into his arms and winced as a bit of blood trickled down his wrist.

Zeddicus quickly took Nathaniel's hands by the wrist, tugging his hands away. He kept his hands there to keep the boy from simply moving them back to his arms. "Nathaniel, stop this! You're a good person and I'm not going to argue with you about it," Zeddicus started, raising his voice back to normal. It wasn't yelling, but his tone was clearly upset. "Who cares if the earth thinks you're good enough? If I have to start shouting profanities for you to get the idea that you're not the failure you think you are, then I fucking will, damn it."

Nathaniel cowered a bit at Zedd's tone, shaking harder as fresh tears rolled down his cheeks. "I just— w-want— t… t-to be good enough f-for them…" He sobbed, his tiny hands shaking in Zedd's grasp. "Then— m-maybe they'll— t-take me back… I m-miss them… yeah, they apparently treated me badly, but they're still my p-parents and I never got to say goodbye! They just— s-sent me down here— and no one fucking cared! And I don't… d-don't know what happens to my soul when I die and I just… I-I thought that maybe I could— g-go home if I… died…" He seemed to become a bit more aware of what he was saying by the end and started sobbing harder. "Ah! That sounds awful! What am I saying??"

Zeddicus couldn't take it anymore. The poor boy was shaking horribly and was so hurt by the people who were supposed to love him. "Nathaniel, look at me," he said, trying to keep his voice calm again. It was hard seeing someone so young consider killing himself. "I don't want you to die. I don't want you hurting yourself. Nathaniel, I care. I fucking care about you. It hurts seeing you so torn up thinking you're by yourself, but you're not. I don't know how to send you home or whatever, but I think you're good enough. Take my word or don't, I said it."

Nathaniel's lip quavered for a second before he hugged Zedd tightly, burying his face in the man's chest while he sobbed. "I-I… th… thank you…" He whispered, his voice faltering and breaking as he huddled closer to Zedd. "I don't— I d-don't wanna die, but I just… I don't know… I-I don't understand why I'm feeling this way, dad, b-but it's really scaring me and I want it to go away…" He clung helplessly to Zedd, fresh tears pooling in his eyes. "I keep having scary dreams about this a-and I just… I can't fucking take it anymore… they won't leave me alone… I'm s-scared, and I just… please…"

"You don't have to go to bed by yourself for awhile. I…" I can't trust you to be alone anymore, Zedd finished in his head.
"I'll help you the best I can, okay? Please don't cry…" he pleaded. After a few seconds, he picked up the angel, supporting his light weight and began to carry him out of the forge. "Do you want some choccy milk, bud? Will that help a bit?"

Nathaniel hiccuped and shrugged, hiding his face in Zedd's shoulder. Thankfully, Zedd had closed the shop earlier, so he didn't have to worry about prying eyes. He was broken and weak in Zedd's arms, his wings just hanging limply behind him. He couldn't be bothered to try and keep them up. "I'm s-sorry…" He whispered.

"Shh. You don't have to be sorry. Let's go upstairs and find something for us to do, okay?" Zeddicus offered as he started ascending the stairs. He felt so bad about the boy hanging limp in his hold. He seemed so defeated compared to the excited boy he was just hours ago.

Nathaniel nodded weakly, keeping his face hidden for now. His tears had subsided for the most part and he was now eerily quiet other than the occasional hiccup. He wasn't in the mood for talking. He just wanted to be held and cared about.

Zedd continued to pat and rub Nathaniel's back, trying to keep him calm. He nearly turned towards the kitchen, but remembered that the angel was bleeding in a few places now. After reaching the bathroom, he sat Nathaniel gently on the toilet. "Would you rather I just bandage up your injuries or would you like me to run a bath for you? I think I have bubbles I've never used?"

"I don't really care, sir… either is fine…" Nathaniel closed his eyes and held his arms out to Zedd. He was pale and drained, not willing to think or do much at the moment. He was afraid that he'd stay crying again if he let himself get devoured by the negative thoughts swirling around in his mind. "But considering how great I'm doing, it might be best if I don't stay in here alone for any extended period of time. Just the bandages is probably wisest…"

"No, none of that 'sir' talk again. And don't apologise. I want you to be confident and tell me what you want," Zedd protested softly, taking Nathaniel's hands in his own. "I'm not leaving you alone either way. I don't want you feeling unsafe like that again."
Zeddicus figured that Nathaniel could either play in the bath to get his hopes up, him sitting with his back turned. Still nearby though. If not, he could just sit in the other room with the small boy, maybe turn on a movie.

Nathaniel looked up at Zedd weakly. His eyes were dull, lacking the fire and excitement that they usually held. "But how could I take a bath without being alone for an extended period of time?" He asked softly, curling the tips of his wings around himself to feel a bit more secure. "And what should I call you if I'm not calling you sir?"