forum Inkstruction - Week 3 [CLOSED - read rules before joining]
Started by @Riorlyne pets
tune

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@Riorlyne pets

Hello lovely writers!

I have started this thread as a semi-structured way for folks to practice their writing skills and get a little bit of feedback. Feel free to join - it is open to all ages, genres and skill levels.


The Way it Works
  • Every week, I will post a topic along with an optional prompt. This will happen sometime on a Sunday or Monday.
  • I will include tips for writing in that topic, if possible.
  • Anyone who wants to respond to the topic and optional prompt within the week may do so, and post their work here.
  • Entries close each week at 1 am Sunday, UTC. (That's 6 pm Saturday, PST, or 9 pm Saturday, EST for the American folks out there.)
  • I will respond to the week's entries in the '2 stars and a wish' format - pointing out two things I think were done well, and one thing that can be improved on. If an entry doesn't follow the rules, it won't be given feedback in the weekly roundup.
Rules
  • Responses must be between 100 and 500 words.
  • Responses must follow the topic. Following the prompt is optional.
  • One response per person per week.
  • No plagiarism (obviously).
  • No fan-fiction, not because fan-fiction is not good writing, but because I may not have knowledge of the source material and thus cannot gauge the quality accurately.
  • Mature content is fine, but let's keep it tasteful.
  • You may ask questions or share helpful tips, but please stay on topic.
  • Do not ask for additional critique for your writing on this thread - there are other threads made specifically for that purpose.
  • Start a post that contains a response with "Inkstruction Week [#] - [Topic]", like this:

    Inkstruction Week 4 - Action

This helps me to distinguish response posts from discussion posts and shows me you've read the rules. :P

@Riorlyne pets

Inkstruction - Week 1

Topic: Action
Prompt (optional): Two seconds too soon.


Tips for Writing Action

  • Use strong verbs and keep the adverbs to a minimum.

    Not great: The knife cut my arm quickly.

    Better: The knife slashed my arm.

  • Short, simple sentences convey a quicker narrative than long, complex ones.

    Not great: I dodged the beast's jaws, which emanated a rank breath in my face that made my eyes sting, but I forced my eyes open anyway. I only needed to punch its throat once.

    Better: I dodged the beast's jaws. His rank breath in my face made my eyes sting, but I forced them open. One punch to its throat - that's all I needed.

  • Detail is good, but keep it relevant.

    Not great: As she swung in to stab me in the stomach, I noticed her luminous eyes. Pools of deepest, vibrant blue, swimming with an emotion I could not name. Anger? Fear? Or was it a combination of both? She blinked and the spell was broken. I would never know how she had felt in that moment.

    Not great either: I ran away. He caught up with me and tripped me. I fell. I stood up again and faced him.

    Better: … I crashed to the hard cobblestones. Struggling to my feet again, I turned to face him, but my vision was blurred. Blood ran from a cut on my forehead into my eyes.

@Yamatsu

Inkstruction Week 1 – Action

The Boromandur was a massive beast that terrorized settlements in the northwestern forests of the Prominence Empire, a wyvern almost too heavy to fly. Its carapace was like packed clay, with a special green moss that grew across the head, neck, back, wings, and tail. The moss absorbed water, keeping the Boromandur hydrated and protecting it from fire attacks. Its mace-like tail could knock down even the sturdiest trees, which the wyvern chooses to dine on. Its favorite meals are the old, rotting trees with fungus growing on them, which is why they tend to live near rivers. They also have a set of absolutely MASSIVE horns, thicker than a man's torso and heavy enough that cutting one off in the middle of a fight could crush a hunter in armor like a tin can.
Yama, upon being called to hunt one of these things just before the Great Wyvern War, jumped at the opportunity. He landed in the forest and made his way towards the sound of snapping trees and heavy breathing. The Half-Dragon found his prey dining on dead weeping willows and behind it, a path of destruction. Carved trees, a large path from the Boromandur's tail, and the remnants of roofing tiles decorating its horns. This thing had recently torn its way through a village.
"You know," Yama began, stepping out from behind a tree. "…There are plenty of other rivers around here with food for you."
The Boromandur turned and froze. Yama realized that he forgot he was speaking in Common and switched back into Dragontongue. He rumbled the same phrase again, and the beast could breathe once more. Wyverns were naturally fearful of those sneaking up on them, it was common for them to freeze like a deer in headlights.
The forest wyvern bared its teeth, short and flat for chewing plants.
"I'm never leaving. The last river I went to I was nearly killed! I just want to eat," the Boromandur said.
Unfortunately, wyverns were being overhunted by humans, and this poor creature simply wanted to live in peace. Wyverns were trying to take matters into their own talons, fighting back and killing anyone who got in their way. Yama and his family certainly felt bad for them, but no one around them wanted to do anything to help both sides. It was either kill the humans or kill the wyverns. No one wanted to mess with dragons, but they only wanted to step in because any conflict would tear apart the rest of the world.
To top it all off, Yama was getting paid, and he needed food and supplies before setting out to try and stop a three-way war between wyverns, humans, and dragons.
"Well, can't say I didn't try," Yama said, feeling genuinely morose for what he was about to do.
In a flash, a snaking fissure zoomed towards Yama as he pulled back his right fist. A massive stone gauntlet attached itself to his talons, and the Half-Dragon let loose a haymaker straight into the Boromandur's snout. It recoiled from the hit, blood spurting out of both nostrils. Another fissure flared out, and its sister reunited with Yama's left hand and arm.
"You sure you want to do this?" Yama growled, slamming his basaltic fists together.
The Boromandur snorted, a shotgun-blast of blood peppering the ground in front of him. "You'll…" he coughed. "You'll pay for this!"
And like that, the fight was on. The Boromandur smashed its horns into the ground, they were large, wide, and flat. He charged forward, plowing trenches and digging up roots and spraying rocks. Yama pumped his fist in the air, and a pillar of solid dirt jutted into the beast's stomach. The Boromandur was launched into the air, its heavy wings not aiding in keeping it aloft. Unfortunately, Yama didn't take momentum into account and was squashed underneath the wyvern's hard stomach. The Half-Dragon forced himself underground with a motion, pushing himself through the topsoil towards the beast's head. He popped out in a cloud of loam and uncorked his trusty Powder Horn.
Using his left hand to manipulate gunpowder into the grooves and tubes of his right gauntlet, he left a thin strand of powder towards his fingers. Yama's perception of time began to slow down. The powder was laid, the Boromandur was prone, and all that was left was the killing blow. There were tears in its eyes, but there was nothing they could do to stop this.
The Half-Dragon snapped his talons, which created a spark. The spark traveled up the powder string with a flash of heat and light. As the fuse burned, Yama balled his fist and swung. His Gauntlet exploded, boosting his fist in a final slam that crushed the Boromandur's skull.
Yama withdrew his fist, and a wet squelch resulted as stone was extricated from mashed brains.
"Eeyick!" he said, shaking the gore off of his precious Rockrender. This was a fight that he tried to avoid, but he would certainly take advantage of. He ditched both Rockrender Gauntlets and pulled out carving knife, setting to work carving off pieces of the monster for future weapons. The horns, carapace (with moss attached), the bones, and certainly the large tail.
Yama then, with some Earthbending and a bit of finesse, sent those parts back to the Forge. The corpse would be left for the scavengers to feed on, and nature would be repurposed to try and save everyone else.

@Yamatsu

Could I possibly make some edits before the review date? I'm looking back on this now, and it's not as cohesive as I would like.

@Riorlyne pets

Week 1 is now closed! I'll be putting together the two stars and a wish list soon. :)

Inkstruction - Week 2

Topic: Dialogue
Prompt (optional): An amusing misunderstanding.


Tips for Writing Dialogue

  • Keep dialogue tags simple.

    Not great: "I don't want to be here," she emphasised forcefully.

    Better: "It's not that," she said. "There's nothing the matter with this place. But I don't want to be here."

  • Avoid talking heads syndrome.

    Not great:
    "Let's go!"
    "But I don't want to."
    "You have to!"
    "Well, are we going or not?""
    "Wait a second, which one of us is talking?"

    Better:
    "Let's go!" Joe cried, leaping to his feet.
    Unimpressed, Tasha slumped down further in her chair. "But I don't want to."
    "You have to," Joe said.
    "Well, are we going or not?" Evan yelled from the front door, where he was already waiting.

  • Give each of your characters their own way of speaking, complete with register, mannerisms, and common phrases.

@ninja_violinist

Inkstruction Week 2 - Dialogue

My second meeting with Death happens about a week after the first.
“What,” – he strains this word almost to its breaking point – “are you doing here?”
“Well, it turns out that your lack of proper paperwork in the afterworld doesn’t stop my body from succumbing to starvation.”
Death groans and flips through his clipboard, only to set it down with a frustrated huff. He digs his knuckles into his eyes, so violently that for a second I’m scared they’ll pop right out of their angular sockets.
I mean, even if they did, my sympathy’s slightly impaired by the fact that I spent the last week or so crawling around snowy mountains waiting to die of starvation. That’d put a damper on anyone’s mood.
“Still unable to place you,” he mutters, scribbling furiously onto a scrap of yellowing paper that he somehow snatches out of thin air.
“Look,” I say, tapping my nose (it’s such a wonderful sensation to be able to bend my fingers again, on an unrelated side note). “Far be it from me to tell you how to do your job. But my body’s kind of… dead. So can’t you just let me in anyway? Off the record?”
“I'm afraid not.” Death tries to make a sweeping motion with his arms; “tries” because it’s a jerky, hasty thing that leaves me even more unsettled than before. “What do you see?”
I’ve been trying very hard not to dwell on that matter, because – honestly – I don’t know. When I try to visualize it, it’s like my eyes glide off – even if there’s something there in our surroundings, my mind can’t place it. I recognize no color, shape, or landmark. If I had to make a bad comparison, I’d say that Death is a single character in a blank comic panel.
“Nothing. I can’t see anything.”
Despite how dumb that sounds, Death just nods along. “I am in my office,” he says. “The door to the afterlife is over there.” His head gives a small spasm to his general right. “If you can’t see it, you cannot walk through it. And if you can’t walk through it, well… then I will be forced to send you back. Again.”
I roll my eyes. “Well, looks like you’ll be seeing me again relatively soon, because like I said – I. Can’t. Survive. In the mountains. I play violin and that’s about it, my friend.”
Death lets out an aggravated moan and shoves his clipboard in my face. “This is how far I am behind. I have paperwork to do! Lists! Family names! Heirlooms! I need to make files and write summaries and clear out the old archive! I don’t have time for you to wander to and fro as you please without supervision!”
“The nerve you’ve got!” I snarl, yanking the clipboard out of his hands. “It may have escaped your notice, you absolute twat, but I’m not exactly deliberately going out of my way to make your –” (I barely avoid accusing Death of being alive) “existence miserable. I’m dying here, okay! Quite literally! And I don’t see why you’re blaming me for your own incompetence!”
Maybe telling him he doesn’t know what he’s doing wasn’t the best way to get me out of this odd limbo and into the afterlife. He snatches the clipboard back before I even realise he’s moving, and then he’s still again.
Far too still.
Deathly still.
“Get. Out.”
The movement in his mouth is so subtle I nearly miss it. Maybe it’s because his lips are so pale they mostly blend in with the rest of his face. Maybe it’s because he has a bad mumbling habit. Either way, it was the only sign of movement on an otherwise corpse-like façade – not even his eyelids or his chest are moving.
It’s not like I have anything to lose, really. I can’t imagine anything being much worse than the situation I’m in. So I’m genuinely surprised at myself when I raise both of my hands, back away, and somehow navigate through a world I’m unable to see back to where my emaciated body’s curled up somewhere in the icy tundra.
I may not have anything to lose.
But Death still intimidates me.

Deleted user

Inkstruction Week 2 - Dialogue
Upon first inspection, the two didn’t look like they should be together: Marlene Angel, the upbeat naturalist, with pale skin and long, stunningly fire truck red hair with freckles walking hand in hand with Josiah Angel, the competitive blacksmith, with his tan and buzz cut of black hair.
Throughout the enjoyable walk in the park, Marlene was continuously pointing out what was to her amazing specimens of nature. She noted them with such enthusiasm Josiah couldn’t help but smile.
Then, Marlene turned the attention back to Josiah.
“So, you’ve got that big competition tomorrow,” Marlene remarks, swinging their hands.
“And afterward…” Josiah teases, nudging her.
“A date with yours truly.” Marlene grins, before looking down at their intertwined hands to stare at the engagement ring she’d received from him just the week before.
“I suppose you could say I’ll kill two birds with one stone,” Josiah remarks, looking into the distance happily.
Suddenly, Marlene stopped in her tracks, staring shell-shocked at Josiah.
“You’ll…what?” Marlene gasped the last word a whisper. Josiah looked very uncomfortable at this point.
“I..I said I’ll kill two birds with one stone…are you alright, love?” He asked, tilting his head in worry.
To his surprise, Marlene ripped her hand from his. “You’re joking about…about KILLING ANIMALS?” She raised her voice, fire building in her eyes. Josiah tried to defend himself by putting his hands up and stuttering incoherently but to no avail.
“I take that as a PERSONAL OFFENSE…I have been a NATURALIST for EIGHT YEARS and you know this WELL!!” She began to yell at him. “This isn’t FUNNY, JOSIAH! You are DISRESPECTING ME and my CAREER! I cannot BELIEVE that YOU, JOSIAH, would DO such a THING!” She took a deep breath in, making sure to emphasize each word with power and authority. Some other couples walking in the park began to stare and mumble things to each other.
“Mar, I would never-”
“DISRESPECT!”
“It’s an…”
“I DON’T BELIEVE YOU!”
“IT’S AN IDIOM!” Josiah finally shouted, stopping afterward to realize what he’d just done. He’d yelled at his fiancee.
With arms opened, he walked towards his fiancee, who accepted the hug, standing as though petrified on the spot. After Josiah pulled away, she mumbled:
“It’s…it’s an idiom?”
Josiah nodded. “Yes. I’m so, so, so sorry. I thought everyone knew that idiom. I didn’t mean to yell at you or offend you, I really am sorry, Mar…”
“I know you are. I’m sorry for not understanding.” Mar replied, smiling and taking his hand again.
Josiah smiled, relieved, swinging their hands just as she had before. The couple smiled at each other before walking on.

@TryToDoItWrite

This is so much fun! I love getting feedback! (it's a little long?? you want me to cut some of it?)
|Inkstruction Week 2–Dialogue

"You can see the whole city up here."
Camille had walked out of the apartment without my noticing, coming to stand next to me.
She smiled slightly. "The city lights look like the stars."
"I hadn't noticed."
Her smile faded. Still staring out at the city, she said, "Bastian is going to be fine. He needs two weeks to fully heal, I'd say."
I raised my eyebrows. "You say."
As we stood in silence, laughter from indoors floated out. I could make out Isabel's voice teasing Simon, then another round of laughter. The air outside seemed suddenly colder. I straightened up and opened my mouth but Camille spoke first, turning her gaze intently on me.
"How did you escape them?"
"Who? The police?"
"No– I mean yes, but also no. I mean–" She gave a huffy little laugh. "I mean when you were a baby."
"Oh."
My face must have said it all, because she looked away. "You don't want to talk about it."
I sighed. I didn't. But despite myself, I said, "My grandparents caught rumors of the Purge before it happened."
Camille glanced back, surprised.
I continued. "They ran away with their family and as many friends as they could convince to come with them. They've lived in the mountains for the last 50 years. My mother and father were both raised there."
She pondered this, then asked, "Are they all rune users?"
"Yes."
"How many of them are there?"
"I'd say about fifty, give or take a couple of births and deaths."
"Do they follow all the old cultural customs?"
I schooled my face into it's neutral expression as I spoke. "Yes."
"My mom was right!" She grinned. "If they exist, then we can take Andere back. A couple of wise rune users is better than a hundred guns–"
"–then why'd we lose the war to begin with?"
She ignored me. "All we need is to find them, and get them to join us, then we'll start our revolution!"
"Don't get your hopes up."
"Why not? They know what life was like before the war. They'll want it back more than anyone ."
"I'm not sure you want the old life."
"What do you mean?"
"You don't know what it was like. Your mother didn't even know. It's not as magical and happy as you'd like to think."
Glaring, she said, "It has to be better than this." She gestured out at the divided city, at the dirty streets and ragged houses.
I didn't reply. At least in this society, all natives are equally treated. Treated like dirt, yes, but equally. In the old society, everything was based around your rune–how powerful it was was directly related to your position of power in life, how useful it was determined your job, how it reacted to other runes made matches and marriages. Even the color of the rune affected you. Your rune was your fate, and your fate was etched on your palm before you were born. A bad draw of the cards dealt you a life of misery.
Finally, I replied, "The thing you're chasing is a pipe dream, Camille. Let it go."
"No." She flared up like a tree in a forest fire, slowly and then all at once. "No! I won't just let it go. I can't. And do you know why?" She stood tall, glowering up at me. "Because it's all I have. It's all any of us natives have. I don't care if it's a dream. I'd rather chase a beautiful dream than go on living how you do."
"How do I live?" I kept my voice even. Her frustration grew.
"You live like—like—all the world is evil and you can't trust anything good in your life–like the good things are going to crumble away or bite you eventually. It's not right!"
"But that's how I've stayed alive. Wishful thinking and trusting shitty promises will get you killed."
"It's not wishful thinking and shi—bad promises!" She threw her hands up in frustration and turned away.
As she reached the door, I called, "You'd rather chase a dream? I'd rather see reality."
She threw one last glare over her shoulder and opened the door. Light and warmth streamed out from the apartment. The voices of my friends came back into focus. Then it all disappeared behind the slamming door.

@Riorlyne pets

Week 2 is now closed!

Inkstruction - Week 3

Topic: Character Description
Prompt (optional): Uneven footsteps.


Tips for Writing Character Description

  • Avoid the laundry list of descriptors.

    Not great: She had blue eyes, brown hair, an upturned nose and a small mouth.

    Better: Short strands of brown hair fell into her blue eyes, which sparkled with a mischievous glint that was echoed in her upturned nose and the small quirk of her smile.

  • Strong verbs and nouns, or relevant imagery, are better than a tangled mess of adjectives.

    Not great: Her waist-length, wavy, silky, thick, medium-brown hair was left down.

    Better: Her hair tumbled in thick chestnut waves over her shoulders.

  • Infuse a character description with character. The more personality shows through, the better.

    Not great: The man walked into the room. He was 6'1" with short black hair. He sat down. Lisa could see that he was wearing an expensive white shirt.

    Better: Lisa glanced up as a young man strode into the room. He was tall - taller than her brother, at the very least - with glossy black hair slicked carefully to the side. Not a hair out of place, and not a speck of dust on his impeccably white silk shirt. Across from her, he took a seat so gingerly you'd think the chair was contaminated.

@Riorlyne pets

Week 1 Roundup

Topic: Action
Prompt (optional): Two seconds too soon.


Entrants

  • Yamatsu

Two Stars and a Wish

Yamatsu

  • First star: I loved how your action was quite easy to follow. I could visualise the movements of Yama and the wyvern quite easily, which helped to engage me in the action.
  • Second star: Your use of strong vocabulary made the writing sharp and punchy - well done!
  • Wish: Some of the descriptions of the wyvern and the backstory surrounding the conflict felt a little bit like a documentary and distracted me from what was going on. For example, this:
  • The Boromandur smashed its horns into the ground, they were large, wide, and flat.

Would probably work better as this:

  • The Boromandur smashed its massive horns into the ground.

@Riorlyne pets

Week 2 Roundup

Topic: Dialogue
Prompt (optional): An amusing misunderstanding.


Entrants

  • ninja_violinist
  • Mousey-French
  • TryToDoItWrite

Two Stars and a Wish

ninja_violinist

  • First star: Beautiful balance of dialogue and non-speaking narrative. I can visualise the characters easily, and their movements feel natural within the context. Well done!
  • Second star: The narrator's voice. I love that sarcastic humour she's got going (especially the paragraph where she nearly accuses Death of being alive, that is gold) and while she does have these little asides, they're detailed enough to add interest and short enough not to break the dialogue. In short, quite fun to read.
  • Wish: While I loved the narrator's voice, Death's voice did feel very similar to it, possibly because both characters are experiencing similar emotions. Perhaps, as Death is an overworked bureaucrat, his 'voice' could include a more formal register of language and he could have some speaking mannerisms unique to his state (for example, the mumbling that the narrator mentions is a habit of his).

Mousey-French

  • First star: First of all, I love the way you incorporated the prompt suggestion! Idioms of speech are a common source of misunderstanding and a lovely way to make dialogue more colourful and natural (and let's just be glad Josiah didn't use the phrase, "there's more than one way to skin a cat" ;)
  • Second star: Marlene's personality really shines through in this bit of dialogue. The way you've crafted her words show me she's quick to switch between her emotions - a bit of a drama queen, but also a cinnamon roll.
  • Wish: There's a short segment where your tense swaps from past (he asked) to present (he teases). This is something to watch out for in your writing, because a change in tense can really break the reader from your story. And don't be afraid to use the word 'said'. Unlike tags such as 'remarked' and 'gasped', the tag 'said' is practically invisible.

TryToDoItWrite

  • First star: Distinct voices. Spot on. You had a segment that I normally would have flagged as 'talking head syndrome' but it was so clear which voice was Camille's and which was the narrator's that it didn't break reading immersion at all.
  • Second star: The conflict. Although it's clear this excerpt is part of a larger story, even without knowledge of the characters I could feel that the conflict between them sprang naturally from their personalities and backstories. The contrast between Camile's curiosity and optimism ("The city lights look like the stars") and the narrator's almost apathetic realism ("I hadn't noticed") only adds to it. Well done.
  • Wish: The whole segment has a beautiful flow, but I found that the narrator's chunk of thoughts about the runes wasn't quite as smooth. While I think the thoughts about runes should be there (it didn't read like infodumping) I think some of the sentences could be reworded to flow better. This bit, "how powerful it was was directly related to your position of power in life," is probably the worst offender. Keep the content, streamline its presentation.

Deleted user

Inkstruction Week 3 - Description
The house certainly didn’t come off as welcoming - it wasn’t even finished, house-wrap encirlcing the wooden planks and plywood serving as a ceiling. It was certainly no place for the girl, not even sixteen, with her black hair that caught what little light there was with sheen and her pale, almost angelic face. No, she had no place here. And yet here she was.
Curled up inside of the thin, navy-green tarp, she shivered in both cold and fear. Even she didn’t know why she was here - was it impulse? Was it desire? Fear? But there was no time to dwell on that - the sky outside was gray and the moon barely cast light on the thin vegetation around the abandoned house. She had to stay alert, in case it wasn’t safe - which it wasn’t - ashes still lay in the fireplace, occasionally lifted up and laid back down on the girl by the wind.
Eventually, the poor girl lost the long and well-fought battle of her against her eyelids. Curled, shivering in the thin tarp, she dreamt poorly and coldly. What a shame.
As if on cue, uneven footsteps stepped onto the plywood and began to echo through the thin, bare house - first on the tile of what would have been a kitchen and bathroom, then to the plastic covering of the living room, then to the stone porch, and finally to the bedrooms made of plywood, where our girl is resting. Our poor, angelic girl who should not be here.
A blade is unsheathed. It could be viewed as pretty is it was not in these circumstances. It was one of those metals that reflected all sorts of different colors in the lighting, and the sliver of moonlight that shined on it was perfect for this. There was a (probably fake) unidentifiable gemstone in the handle, a sort of chilly blue.
The uneven footsteps drew closer across the plywood. The footsteps were hard, as if made in business shoes. The blade, too, came closer to our girl.
It made contact with our girl. Our girl is dead. She was not supposed to be here. There it went, another unfair life. One that drove itself to death.
The uneven footsteps hobbled in the other direction.

@TryToDoItWrite

This one is from later on in the story you read part of above. (The one above is from ch 13. This is from ch 33.) Fenin is the name of the narrator, btw. (in the story it actually switches POV from fenin to camille every other chapter. it just happens to be the same here) It's also much shorter lol
Inkstruction Week 3–Character Description

The man threw me to the ground, and I stayed there, retching, coughing up water. The scientist watched me, as if it were a fascinating spectacle, as if I were simply a half-drowned rat. Her pen scratched furiously on her notebook. Then she snapped it shut and came closer.

"Lift him up."

The man stepped towards me, but as he bent down, I spat into his face. He flinched, but didn't react as I'd hoped. I glared at him as he calmly wiped the spit off with his lab coat.

The scientist cocked her head to the side, observing the frustration play out on my face. "Interesting."

But as she was reaching for her notebook, the door opened and a guard marched in. He went to the woman, and said something in a low voice. I couldn't make it out. She nodded and he marched out again.

"A second, Mark," she said to her assistant. "There's something I have to look at."

The guard returned, carrying the something in his arms.

My blood turned to ice. It couldn't be—

The guard dropped the something onto one of the tables. It made a dull thud.

But it wasn't a something. No. No, it was a someone.

Camille lay on the table. She didn't move.

She was still wearing the clothes from the night we were captured, but that was the only thing recognizable about her. The vibrancy which normally flowed from every inch of her body was gone. Her limbs splayed out in awkward angles. Her face was turned towards me, slack, without expression, eyes closed. The color had drained from her, leaving blue veins crisscrossing under pale and ashy skin.

Still, she didn't move.

The scientist checked her pulse, then opened her eyes, shining a light into them. "She certainly looks dead."

But she wasn't. She couldn't be. I had seen her only that morning, looking perfectly healthy. She'd shouted to me. She'd called my name and reassured me that they were all alive. They were all alive.

Still, she didn't move.

@Yamatsu

Inkstruction Week 3 – Character Description

Guinevere always fancied large weapons. They made other people fear the once-venerated hunter that she was. Even as a (mostly) social outcast, she still commanded respect. She was built like a sandstone pillar, muscles rippling underneath her colorful robes. Her arms, though mostly hidden by the sleeves, could break a man in two without a second thought. The desert winds forced everyone in the marketplace to cover up despite the high walls of the city of Bahron. Fortunately, no one knew her here, or at least, no one who knew her frequented the part of the marketplace that dealt with reading material. This allowed her to remover her hood and let her fiery-red hair cascade down to her back, held in a large fishtail braid.

She had learned to read when she joined the Caravan’s hunting party, and many of the other hunters and workers didn’t care for heavier subjects like geometry and algebra. Despite her intimidating figure, she actually had a brain underneath all of that hair. There were many times where uninformed individuals tried to insult her based on her build, that women shouldn’t have that much muscle, it would take away from their brains and make them ugly. Before breaking their jaws, Guinevere would casually glance at them and pluck comments from physical appearance. Insults would flow based on minute details, whether they be scratches on hands, thin fingers, or the way they cut their beards. They would be extremely specific, as Guinevere was never one to go for the low-hanging fruit. That level of observation was a trick that one of the Gunners taught her, a good friend during her time at the Caravan.

Bahron was a closely watched city but still allowed for weapons to be carried openly due to the influx of hunters that come in for both business or pleasure. Wyvern attacks weren’t common, but they happened enough in the past that city officials couldn’t rely on their standing militia alone. Guinevere was also packing, and she always favored the Greatsword. The one she carried today was a birthday gift from her son, Yamatsu. She had specifically requested that she only receive one for every fifth birthday and tenth Mother’s Day, as he already had an entire Hoard of weapons to choose from. She certainly didn’t need that many, but she valued her son’s talents and love of crafting.

The sword itself was massive, longer than she was tall including the handle, but it was much thinner than her usual Greatsword. In all, it was about eight inches thick, but that was still ridiculous for any normal sword. The blade was a Damascus steel with a swirling pattern made from layering two different types of steel together. There were these “ears” as she called them that were near the shoulder of the blade, simply a widened area that was meant for aesthetic. Guinevere liked the ears because they were layered in embossed sheets of metal. The embossed patterns were striped like shells, something she had only ever seen a few times. Seashells weren’t common in the desert, but she had a chance to find them when her husband took her to the beach on vacation. The brooch she wore was made of a scallop shell, bleached white by the sun but still retaining a pink hue on the inside. The guard sloped gracefully upward and had carved in them knots like those used in northern iconography. All of the metal parts except for the edges were blackened, using some liquid that she couldn’t remember the name of. Then again, Yama talked quickly and it was a miracle she remembered all of this detail, to begin with. The handle had fittings that were engraved with twisting patterns, the top fitting being round while the bottom one was a tapered hexagon the size of a nut used to hold bridges together. It was also wrapped in blue leather, but it wasn’t actually blue like he said. It had a more bluish tint than regular leather, but it did add a splash of color to an otherwise dark weapon.

The scabbard was a thing of beauty as well, with hardened brown leather and bright steel overlays highlighting the piece. There was a blue strap, and that was hidden underneath Guinevere’s robe. The whole sword was under the robe, mostly due to the fact that she was shopping and didn’t want to make more of a scene than usual. She was already taller than everyone else here, everyone from her village was at least over six feet tall. The only short folk in her home village were the elderly or children, but she hadn’t seen them for years. Most of them were old and probably dead at this point, but she had accepted that fact and visited a few times before their death. She wasn’t well received each time, but it slowly got better until they tolerated her presence. Her parents’ acceptance didn’t matter, though. Gawain and Yama were the best things that ever happened to her, and nothing would change that.

She had reached the stall that was selling books, and perused the selection, hovering a long, dark finger over each book. There were novels, biographies, textbooks, and even a few cookbooks. She already had a few of those, but something did catch her eye. It was an encyclopedia on dragons and wyverns. However, the author of this book had lumped them into one category and called it the Monster Manual. She had a good chuckle and thought this would be perfect for Gawain. He’d think it was a riot! Flipping through the pages, she found the entry on Earth Dragons. Instead, however, they were called RockWings (that was the exact spelling) and were purported to shoot lava out of their mouths. Another entry on Leviathans stated that they could shoot acid and ate only dead coral. Clearly, whoever wrote this had no idea what they were talking about. Guinevere decided to buy the book simply for laughs.

The stall owner noticed her smile, surprisingly delicate and serene despite her imposing frame. He asked what was so funny, and she explained to him the inaccuracies found in the encyclopedia (omitting the few about certain names, for she was sure that most people called them by those in this day and age). He was curious as to how she knew some of these details, as humans and dragons tended to stay away from each other. She made a quick lie, saying that her husband was a researcher for the Hunter’s Guild. The owner bought it, and Guinevere purchased the book. As she sashayed away, the owner thought that her emerald eyes almost sparkled in the sun, and her chestnut complexion took on a richer color in the morning sunlight. She radiated both beauty and power, and he blushed when another patron caught him staring at his previous client’s backside.

@Riorlyne pets

I hope this hasn't died, has it? I'm sorry if I sound very impatient, I'd just like to know if everything's okay on your end, @Riorlyne.

No, I intend to keep it going! I just haven't closed this week's off because I don't have next week's prepared yet. :) My husband's been sick with one thing and then something else so my normally freer weekend was unusually busy.

@Riorlyne pets

Week 3 is now closed! Sorry for the delay, everyone.

Inkstruction - Week 4

Topic: Important Exposition
Prompt (optional): Too small to forget.


Tips for Writing Important Exposition

  • Avoid the dreaded infodump. Keep extra information relevant, interesting and concise.

    Not great: The king walked into the room. He was the prince's father and several years previous he had enacted a law which made it illegal for elves to take part in government. This, of course, angered the elves and had led to the bloody Elven riots of 1197 and 1199, during which the mother of Hannah, the girl the prince had his eye on, died when a rock was thrown through her front shop window. Hannah was still grieving her mother's loss which made it difficult for the prince to express his feelings to her. The prince had always found it hard to express his feelings, ever since his pet gerbil was run over by a post carriage when he was four.

    Better: The king walked into the room and gave a curt nod to his gathered advisors. Several seats were conspicuously empty - ever since the king had made it illegal for the elves to take part in government, no delegates had come from the forest lands, and in the last few months an increasing number of human delegates had taken to arriving later as a show of support for the ostracised race.

  • It can be helpful to have characters share important information with characters who don't know it yet (and need to know it), but don't have characters tell each other things they already know.

    Not great:
    "Hello there, dear sister," said Brian.
    "Brian! It's great to see my little brother - even if you're actually three inches taller than me while being two years younger. Have you just spoken with our mother, Helen?"
    "Mhm. She's asked us to go by some bread from the corner store, the one that's right opposite the hairdresser's and is run by that old man with the scar on his neck."
    "Ah yes, the one we shop at every Monday. Okay Brian, let's go! I will drive since I am eighteen and you don't have your driver's licence yet."

    Better:
    Lizz grabbed her tablet from Jara to look over his calculations. "According to this, all we need is one more tharvek and we're in the clear."
    "I can't believe we're so close!" Jara said. "And if I grab a pod tonight we can do an after-hours run. That brings us to–"
    "Excuse me?"
    The friends paused for a moment to take in Max's stunned expression.
    "You're gonna just grab a pod?" said Max. "From the locked podbay? The podbay that is guarded after-hours by none other than General Colane?"
    Lizz was the first to twig. She burst out laughing. "Yep, that's the plan. I forgot how new you are to this place - General Colane is Jara's dad."

  • Drop exposition in small pieces all throughout the story, making sure the reader is given the information in time for it to be useful.

    Not great: And as soon as the villain tasted the buttered toast he died. This is because toast is deadly to eldritch creatures, which the villain was. You can tell an eldritch creature by its black eyes and squeaky voice. The villain had black eyes and a squeaky voice, except you couldn't tell now because his eyes were closed and he wasn't saying anything because he was dead.

    Better: Chapter 2 … the law banning elves from any government position…
    Chapter 3 … "My uncle was killed in the Elven riots of 1199…"
    later on … reports of strange storms on the borders of the eastern woods…
    even later on … it was just a minor form of elf-magic, but it came in useful when she wanted to keep herself dry from the rain…
    Chapter 7 … surveyed the empty chairs and the missing delegates…
    Chapter 7, later on … "Well if it wasn't for your inane laws we'd have people in here who could actually stand a chance against the invading Weather Giants!"

@Yamatsu

How fortuitous that my second chapter is the loredump chapter! Woohoo!

Inkstruction Week 4 - Important Exposition

Chapter 2

After the smoke cleared, Yama and Gawain set to cleaning all the soot off the floors, walls, and ceiling. Really, all they had to do was remove the impossibly thin layer of black, ball it up, and put it down the sink. The orb of charcoal was a pea of ink, and Yama was sent to dispose of it down the drain. Hopefully, some fish didn’t end up choking on it, or at least the one he may end up eating.
“Is that all you needed me for?” Yama repeated to his mother.
“Well, now that your father is feeling better,” Guinevere said, turning to pat the massive, brown dragon on the leg. “We needed to tell you about the impending war.”
“I’m sorry, what?”
“Yeah, we know,” Gawain rumbled. “We only heard about this a few months ago.”
“But then why didn’t you say anything beforehand?” Yama cried. “I feel that this is sort of important!”
Guilt flashed across both of his parents’ faces, and his father began nervously tapping his claws together. They thought the conflict wouldn’t escalate to nearly this point, so they neglected to tell their son anything. Guinevere believed that her first duty was to protect her son, so she wanted to shield him from something like this. She taught him how to fight, and her husband taught him how to be a dragon. Something like this was unheard of in all the years they lived, and they realized that a world-changing event like this couldn’t be ignored.
Yama crossed his arms and was tapping his foot when Gawain finally broke the silence. “It hasn’t started yet, but we’re pretty sure that a war between all three races will be coming,” he said.
Yama’s eyes widened. “All THREE races?! Humans, wyverns, and dragons?”
“Yes,” his father confirmed.
The Half-Dragon sputtered, his wings flaring. “How—why—”
Guinevere placed a hand on her son’s shoulder and made him follow her to the living room. Gawain kept pace, and they all sat down. Yama and Guinevere sat on a gold-trimmed loveseat with white fabric and permanent butt-grooves from years of use. It groaned in protest under the combined weight but held steady. Gawain plopped himself down on what looked like an oversized dog bed near the fireplace. Yama took his tail and draped it over his lap, a nervous habit where he would play with it like a stress toy. A fire was already roaring in the fireplace, and both Gawain and Guinevere turned to face their son. Neither one was eager to try and explain this global political conflict, and they both exchanged looks of panic. Yama saw and grimaced.
“Alright, seriously,” he began. “Are either of you going to tell me about this massive war, or are we just going to sit here blinking at each other?” The Half-Dragon crossed his arms and leaned back, awaiting a response.
“Y’know, it’s not easy to talk about a war with your child,” Guinevere retorted, her eyes narrowing.
“It’s not like we have notecards or something to prepare us for this,” Gawain maintained.
“Well then just tell me!” Yama cried. “How did this start? When will it start? Are we going to have to go and hide? Are we going to DO something about this? Are you suggesting that we are going to try and stop a war?! Are—”
“We were getting to that!” his mother interrupted. “You know how humans hunt wyverns for materials and things like that?”
“Yeah?”
Guinevere explained that humans, in their quest to try and obtain valuable materials from wyverns for building weapons, armor, vehicles, and all manner of other complicated projects, overhunted them. Some species went extinct, and many more were dangerously close to dying out. The surviving species began attacking human settlements, killing, pillaging, and even capturing some humans to bring back to their nests. No one knows what happened to the ones who were captured, but the earliest captives hadn’t been seen in months. Some thought that they were already dead, but when wyverns would attack other villages, they would drop off scraps. Rings, clothes, jewelry, weapons from the ones who carried them. It seemed like an intimidation tactic at first, but then it escalated to body parts. No one knew if there were any captives still alive, but every attack was larger, more organized than the last. Some larger cities sustained heavy damage over the years, but larger cities soon began to fall. The Prominence Empire, where most of the humans live, sent armed forces to the borders and even had hunter and military incursions on wyvern territory.
The Prominence Empire, considered the pinnacle of human achievement, sent their best weapons to conduct bombing raids. Yama sat in awe as his parents took turns describing airplanes, large wood and metal contraptions that allow humans to fly like dragons. They weren’t as fast as dragons, however, and were quite loud due to the gas-powered engines. However, they had large guns on them specially designed to pierce thick scale and bombs that could destroy a mountain peak. They were much faster than the conventional dirigible, but dirigibles were better-suited for cargo and people transportation. Guinevere had ridden in a dirigible once before she met Gawain, and she had almost gotten airsick due to turbulence and the constant swaying of the deck.
“Why were you on the there in the first place?” Yama asked when he felt there was a reasonable pause in his mother’s phrase.
“I was sent to protect some cargo. The Guild had gotten their hands on some valuable kills, and I was hired specifically to hold off some pirates,” she explained.
“Air pirates?” Yama gasped.
“Yeah,” Gawain confirmed. The two turned to look at the dragon, who was examining his claws. A black smudge had appeared on his index claw, and he was licking and scratching it on the ground to try and polish it.
Before he could continue, Guinevere admonished her husband for his nasty habit.
“What?! It’s my claw! You don’t have any, you can’t tell me how I clean them!”
“Don’t stick your finger in your mouth! You don’t know where it’s been!”
“She’s right, dad. That’s pretty gross. You could have stepped in something, for all we know.”
“You do the same thing!”
Eventually, the conversation returned to the air pirates. All Gawain really had to say was how they would attack dirigibles and hunt wyverns out of season, but it was hard to catch them because their crafts were modified for speed and power. Their hideouts were hidden in secluded areas under thick trees or even underground, so they had the run of the black market. Yama paid attention but realized that his parents did tend to stray from the topic they wanted to talk about in the first place.
“Uh, guys?” Yama interrupted at one point. “The war? What about the major war again?”
“We were getting to that!” they both exclaimed in unison.
“Basically, humans and wyverns are about to start fighting because humans have been overhunting them for years,” Guinevere explained.
“But what about dragons?” Yama asked. “Why are they in this war if they’ve got nothing to do with this?”
“Because they’re the only ones with heads on their shoulders,” Gawain replied. He explained that dragons had seen the fighting coming for years and tried to intervene on the wyverns’ side. They were told to keep their snouts out of this, and the dragons reconvened later. Supposedly, they wanted to prevent the war because the fighting would tear apart the rest of the world, but they were only on one continent. Out of the other six, there were only two major human empires. Everywhere else was either covered with dragons or wyverns or completely inhospitable. Yama could see how the fighting may spread if word got out that there was major fighting over on their continent of Rifaca, but the Half-Dragon didn’t remember if there were any alliances around the world. Then again, he hadn’t really been paying attention for the past two decades.
“So, you’re expecting this fighting to affect us?” Yama asked slowly.
“Of course, it’s going to affect us!” Guinevere shouted. “We live here!”
“Then what do you want us to do about it?!”
“Stop the war, obviously,” Gawain added, still picking at his claws.
“And how do you expect us to do that?”
“Do you know why we live here?” Guinevere asked, placing a hand on her son’s shoulder.
“Because you two wanted a child and the rest of the world wanted to set you on fire?” Yama joked, not being able to contain a smile.
“No! Well, yes. That’s not the point I’m trying to make!” She slapped the back of his head or at least tried to reach over and do it. “Both you and your father have magic! Do you know how powerful you really are?”
Yama had never considered his Earthbending to be all that great. Sure, he could move large boulders, but his father literally moved a mountain. He saw it, too!
“Are you suggesting that we try to insert ourselves into this fight?!”
“Yes, but not just the three of us!”
“Yama, there are many more magic users in the world aside from us,” Gawain said. He rose from the cushion and stood at his full height. Even the runt of the litter was still intimidating. “All we need to do is find them.” He stared stoically into the distance, even though his wife and son thought he looked ridiculous.
“Do you know where to find them?” Yama asked, arching an eyebrow at his “heroic” father. Gawain realized he was still doing the smolder, so he blinked a few times, shook his head, and looked down to his family (both trying to hold their giggles).
“Magic is extremely illegal, both for humans and dragons,” his father explained. “The only reason I was even allowed to practice it was because my family bought off the entire police force, and we still ended up robbing them,” Yama remembered the stories his father told him of being raised in a crime family, how the scars on his knuckles came from various forms of abuse and digging for valuable gems and metals. He hated his family, but still had entertaining stories to tell.
“So, the more secluded they are, the better the chances of finding them?” Yama asked.
“Thanks to your father, we already have a good lead!” Guinevere said, clasping her hands together in excitement. Gawain grimaced heavily.
“What’s wrong?” Yama asked, slowly beginning to realize that he may know where they got this “lead.”
“We have to go find my family,” the dragon muttered.
“They won’t try to kill us on sight?”
“Oh, if only. That would make things so much easier!”
“But, like, why do we need to find them? What lead do they have?” Yama asked.
“We have a family friend; an outcast like us. Only the Matriarch knows where they are, however.”
The Half-Dragon’s eyes widened. The Matriarch wasn’t one to be trifled with, and he knew that his family might be in over their heads if she was their only way to finding another magic user.

@TryToDoItWrite

Instruction Week 4–Important Exposition

this is one of the first moments Fenin and Camille interact!! (thought you should know that the "rune user" is Fenin..tho you could probably guess)

Camille's POV

"Call me Camille."

“Camille, then," he amended. "Why Central City? With that nurse certification, you could get yourself anywhere in the Empire, even out of Andere.”

Ben chimed in. “Yeah. Andere is a stinking dirt hole. Why here?"

It was true. Most people sought to escape the poverty and oppression that surrounded my homeland, Andere. But I wasn't going to escape it. I was going to change it.

"I need the money from this job to support my family in Gareth," is all I said.

The soldiers seemed to accept this answer. They both nodded.

"I hear Garth is nice," Mace said wistfully.

Ben glowered back. "As opposed to Andere–hellish daemons and hellish natives."

I tuned out of the conversation, studying the rune user. As I would have suspected, his eyes were up, sweeping the truck and its occupants. His wrists were shackled in strange metal mitten type contraptions straight above his head.

His eyes met mine and he frowned. I stood and walked to him, taking my medical bag.

I obviously couldn't speak in Anderean, the native tongue, in front of the soldiers, so I asked, "Do you understand the Imperial language?"

His frown deepened.

"Please answer. I'm trying to help."

He didn't respond.

"I'll assume you don't then." I sighed.

I knelt down on the truck's floor and pulled a washcloth and water bottle from my bag. I dampened the cloth and set to cleaning his face as best I could in the moving vehicle. He had cuts on his temple, bruises on his jaw and one of his eyes, a split lip, and a bloody nose; he looked like he'd been thrown under a bus. Maybe he had been.

"I don't have any painkillers, unfortunately." I examined his nose. Now that the blood was wiped away, I could see that it wasn't crooked or out of place. I lightly touched it, and he didn't flinch. "I don't think your nose is broken. That's good. I'd hate to have to reposition it."

I don't know why I kept blabbering on to him. He didn't react to me at all. He just let me patch him up, his eyes always following my movements.

Finally, I stood up to go back to my seat. "That's about all I can do for you. I'm sorry."

He never said a word to me, not even in Anderean. I couldn't help the disappointment that rose up in me. I don't know what I expected.

The truck continued to bump and rumble its way across the packed dirt roads. Nearly two hours into the journey, one of the prisoners finally sat up straight–a young man who couldn't have been more than eighteen, though it was hard to tell through the layers of dirt. His eyes were wild with terror.

"Did you hear that?" He asked in a quivering voice.

The others raised their heads to stare at him. The soldiers shifted in their seats, bringing their weapons to attention at the disturbance among the prisoners.

"Shut it!" one yelled.

But I listened.

Behind the sound of the rumbling, beneath the sound of the engine, there was something. It was shrill, high and sent chill down my spinal cord.

"Yes, there!" The frightened native said. Then he uttered a word that echoed across both languages, that carried the weight of fear. "Daemons."