forum Yo Look

Started February 10, 2018 by @ConstanceAtticus

tune

read this yo

He was wearing black, a lot of it. There was dirt smeared on his right cheek and over one eyebrow, and a newly purpling bruise under his eye. He'd taken enough of a beating to make me question where he'd been.

"First rule of fight club." I roll onto my back and sigh as my spine pops, my eyes half-open. "Don't talk about fight club."

"Was that a subtle: I don't want to know what the hell did that to your face?"He smiles crookedly and I realize his lip is busted on the left side. "It was Jac."

I roll back over. "Don't you guys spar with gloves?" The last part comes out muffled, and I hear his amused chuckle from underneath the sheets I was drowning in.

"Gloves are for sissies. Bad guys don't wear gloves." It sounds recited, monotonous, but somewhat lighthearted as he plops down next down to me.

"Who told you that?"

"Kian. When I was nine."

This is really good! :)

"I hate that you had to hear about all this stuff when you were only nine." I look at him with tired eyes, white hair falling in my face.

He tilts his head slightly, eyes narrowing thoughtfully. "It's not so bad when you put it into perspective." He pulls up his legs and crosses them, the lines of his body jagged and sharp in the bright light of my room. "Think of it like war for humans. You grow up always knowing about it. You always know that there are bad people, you always know that the world is dangerous. It's the same for us, just heightened to a point that we had to do something about it. It wasn't a forced situation where they brainwashed us with violence and fighting and bloodshed. It was more of a call to arms, a draft system where only five of us got picked and we walked in with arms open. If you were given the chance to be a superhero," he bites his lip and winces, immediately faltering out of his usual mannerisms, "would you take it?"

"If I was nine and had nothing to lose, yeah." I brush the hair out of my face, my lips pursed. No matter how much it made sense, I didn't like that he revolved around so much violence.

He smirks, ruffling my hair back up and crossing his arms over his chest. It's only then that I realize one of his knuckles is split and the rest are covered in painful-looking abrasions. "I was six, and the world had everything to lose."

Are you looking for edits, or are you just looking to share? I'm happy to read it either way. :)

both pls lol

just writing and seeing what a live audience thinks of my random concept

thumbs up Very nice

btw how do you change your profile picture

You have to register with Gravatar. It's a part of Wordpress.

And it'll just automatically sync up.

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Okay! Well, first off I really like this. The writing is very good and it's really interesting. :)

1. I feel like she doesn't need to specify the "when you were nine" because it was said above. I'd put maybe "when you were so young" or something like that instead.

2. Why did he bite his lip and wince? It doesn't really seem to fit the tone of his character (from what I can see) or what he's saying.

3. You switch to past tense here: "No matter how much it made sense, I didn't like that he revolved around so much violence." when the rest of it is in present tense.

I really like where this is going! I'm curious though: he said it's like war for humans. Is he not human? I'd love to get more context here. :)

Nope, not exactly human. He's a hybrid, one of five existing in the world that are one part all eight species, called a dilexisti. It's a concept I'm working on. They're the king species, and they sort of operate like the police.

Thanks! Love the constructiveness. Exactly what I wanted!

You're welcome!