@Trix
When I first joined notebook, I was confused. I was 12 years old. I searched “writing website” in the google search bar, because I had a dream of publishing a book.
Notebook was a lovely website. There was drama, yes, and admittedly, a social hierarchy. But almost everyone was lovely, with the exception of some people who abused the bee movie script.
I learned how to rp on notebook.
I would stress out about every single post, reading and rereading a paragraph of writing hundreds of times before posting to a forum. I’d compare my writing to others, others who were infinitely more experienced and talented. I’d compare myself until I hated myself. I was never satisfied with what I wrote. Even now, I’m rereading; I’m checking for incorrectly placed commas, replacing my vocabulary with better more diverse words, fixing and moving around sentences. I’m sure there’s a mistake I’ve missed.
I’m trying to prove my worth. I’m trying to prove that I, just a fourteen year old girl, deserve to be here. I’m trying to prove to YOU that I am a competent writer. I’m trying to gain YOUR approval. YOUR respect.
When I first joined this website in seventh grade, I had a sleeping schedule. That reads like a joke, but it is true. I started staying up. Giving people advice in the general chat, throwing myself into the role of a comforter. I wrote down everyone’s birthdays, so I could wish happy birthday in the appreciation chat. I stayed up to midnight editing a character chart, out of panic that whoever was in charge of the rp wouldn’t be satisfied. Then midnight became 2am, 2am became 4am, etc. In class, I would sneak my phone under the desk to respond to a role play. I would go home and check the 28 notifications I had missed at school. Then I would sit in front of a computer, 5 different chats open, refreshing the tabs. Whenever I wrote a response, I refreshed that chat until someone after me had recognized it. I was desperate for self-validation through the attention and approval of others. People around here joke a lot about being “addicted” to this website. We make memes about choosing to check notebook over working on WIPs. But I genuinely could not pull myself away. I was terrified. I couldn’t live a day without checking notifications, because I knew that missing one day could be 10 pages worth of conversation. I was so, so, so scared of being left out.
I threw away my life for this website. I was trying to earn the attention of people: most notably, the OGs. I won’t list names, because none of it is their fault. The OGs are lovely people.
I took a break. That break was freeing. I didn’t have to check my phone every 2 hours. I didn’t have to turn in a character chart by midnight. But I always had a tab open for notebook, waiting for me to return. So I returned. I berated myself over and over, telling myself that I wouldn’t dive in the same hole I had last time.
But I did. I rejoined, with 50+ notifications. Notebook was the exact same community. Same people, same style, same colors, same format. I was foolish to think that things would be different. Some people remembered me, some people didn’t. I jumped into role play, because I had entered with a goal of fleshing out characters and improving my writing.
The realization that notebook was holding me back came almost immediately. I love the community. I’ve met amazing people, gained friends, and yet I was still searching for validation. Whether that would be a compliment on a character, another person taking my side during an argument (read: debate), or someone taking my advice. I put all my energy into this one website.
My heart is already beating faster at the prospect of putting this up. I don’t know how it will go. I don’t know whether people will see this and respect it, or if they’ll see this and think I’m pathetic. This is the same feeling I’ve had for every single post. And I know this feeling is wrong, but it still exists.
I’m going to delete my account after posting this. I’ve already transferred all my characters to google drive. andrew (Our Supreme Lord and Overseer), this is in no way your fault. Notebook is an amazing creation, but it is not the place for me. I’m not sure how well this will be received. If you’ve made it this far and you’ve realized this is a waste of your time, I’m learning that I shouldn’t care. I won’t be responding after this post. I am going to force myself to stop seeking the validation of others. I’m going to force myself to not open this thread.
So why am I posting this if I’m not going to come back? Well, I have a feeling that a lot of people are in the position I am. Perhaps you will find a healthy way to balance out notebook and your life, but I can’t.
Call me a coward, or someone holier-than-thou who dreams of being a martyr, or whatever. I will teach myself how to not care. And that starts with me not returning to this thread. So this is it. My final post on Notebook, forever. This is not for you. This is for me. I will teach myself that it is ok to do something purely for myself.
Thank you, Notebook, for the people I’ve met, the writing advice I’ve heard, and the amazing masterpieces I’ve read. If you joined notebook with the dream of becoming a writer, please don’t give up. I’m only 14, and I have my entire life ahead of me to fulfill that dream, but I can’t keep beating myself up. I can’t fulfill that dream if I can’t even find confidence in myself. So this is my final stand. I will say, I’m chuckling a bit at how dramatic this has been. Maybe one day I’ll look back on myself and cringe. But right now, I have to do this, and I have to prove to MYSELF that I am all I need. I have to prove to myself that I have the courage to post this and not look back. Post this without regrets. For the final time, thank you Notebook. - Trix, 7/12/2020
