@The-N-U-T-Cracker
hey uh, I know I haven't been super active lately but for anyone who might still be worried about me based on previous vents, I want to give an update:
It's been a while, but after the whole tiring journey of getting help, opening up, and seeking therapy, I want to let y'all know that I think I'm finally out of my depression.
I no longer feel like crying all the time, I've started socializing again, I'm catching up on school, I think I've finally found a friend group that isn't toxic as hell (thank god), I've learned to accept myself as the gay I am, my life's no longer in shambles, I-
I'd forgotten what being normal felt like…
everything's so… colorful? like holy hell how did I ever manage to think that I was making up my own diagnosed illness, life is so fecking different without it, I never wanna go back-
I've felt like this for a couple months now, no major breakdowns, no relapses, just a healthy range of emotions and overflowing optimism, as it was before all this stuff hit
anyways, now that I'm capable of thinking straight, I think the most important thing to clear up is all the hopeless vagueposting. While I'd like to give a short explanation to decode everything I was worrying about, it's not that simple. I was delusional, as in genuinely delusional, and so I'd ramble on about things that made perfect sense in my head even though they could be easily disproven, and I knew that. I was fully aware it was all nonsense, yet I let the overly complex system of rules, fears, promises, whatever I called them, take over my way of thinking.
so basically, all those times I popped in, fearfully rambling about how "they" are going to find me and my life was going to come to an end, it was all nonsense. Extremely dangerous nonsense that absolutely could've killed me if I didn't get help, but it can't really be explained. My drugs kicked in and I can safely say that it's no longer an issue, the overly cryptic thoughts of
are completely gone, have been for the past two months, and I've been clean from any SH as well.
I really don't think I would've made it without y'all. Your help and support through everything, whether it was my education issues, ignorance, self-doubt, panic attacks, hopelessness, guilt, having everyone I knew hate me for a while, internalized homophobia, my delusions, Suffer Camp, relapses, opening up to my parents, that night I attempted, opening up to my parents again, the whole paranoia keeping me from talking my antidepressants, all of 2020, nightmares, the overly Christian therapist, the stress of almost ending my one existing IRL friendship on my birthday because she nearly found out I wasn't straight, breaking apart from toxic friend groups, getting over my ridiculous list of triggers, trust issues, social anxiety, everything-
I literally owe my life to you. you've been there for me through every little moment, and I cannot thank you enough for that.
I'm so glad I'm alive…
I promise y'all with every piece of my heart, there's light at the end of the tunnel. please, dear god fren, don't give up. It's not going to be easy by any means but you'll be so glad you made it, I cannot stress that enough-
Stay safe my beans. drink your water, eat your veggies, and know that I will always remember you, through all my adventures.
It's not all over, I've still got a lot to worry about, especially when it comes to my sexuality, since that Christian therapist is trying to convince me into coming out to my family and going to a weekly conversion hell camp for like 5 months, which would absolutely destroy my social life and I wouldn't have friends for years. however, I've been feeling so unstoppable lately that I feel like I could take on the world, I'm confident three years will go by fast as a bird and I'll be able to safely express myself soon, I just gotta be patient.
So that's about all, as for notebook I'll probably still be active but I doubt I'll be talking much, I want to dedicate more time to my various hobbies; drawing, art, language, exercise, music, animation, worldbuilding– and less on refreshing general 8 times a minute.
sorry for being so dramatic but I just wanted to show some appreciation-
I love y'all so much.
thank you for saving me <3
and to whoever thought I couldn't do it, you're freaking wrong, bitch. :D
