forum thank y'all so much <3 (an emotional rant from yours truly)
Started by @The-N-U-T-Cracker
tune

people_alt 58 followers

@The-N-U-T-Cracker

hey uh, I know I haven't been super active lately but for anyone who might still be worried about me based on previous vents, I want to give an update:

It's been a while, but after the whole tiring journey of getting help, opening up, and seeking therapy, I want to let y'all know that I think I'm finally out of my depression.
I no longer feel like crying all the time, I've started socializing again, I'm catching up on school, I think I've finally found a friend group that isn't toxic as hell (thank god), I've learned to accept myself as the gay I am, my life's no longer in shambles, I-
I'd forgotten what being normal felt like…
everything's so… colorful? like holy hell how did I ever manage to think that I was making up my own diagnosed illness, life is so fecking different without it, I never wanna go back-
I've felt like this for a couple months now, no major breakdowns, no relapses, just a healthy range of emotions and overflowing optimism, as it was before all this stuff hit

anyways, now that I'm capable of thinking straight, I think the most important thing to clear up is all the hopeless vagueposting. While I'd like to give a short explanation to decode everything I was worrying about, it's not that simple. I was delusional, as in genuinely delusional, and so I'd ramble on about things that made perfect sense in my head even though they could be easily disproven, and I knew that. I was fully aware it was all nonsense, yet I let the overly complex system of rules, fears, promises, whatever I called them, take over my way of thinking.
so basically, all those times I popped in, fearfully rambling about how "they" are going to find me and my life was going to come to an end, it was all nonsense. Extremely dangerous nonsense that absolutely could've killed me if I didn't get help, but it can't really be explained. My drugs kicked in and I can safely say that it's no longer an issue, the overly cryptic thoughts of

are completely gone, have been for the past two months, and I've been clean from any SH as well.

I really don't think I would've made it without y'all. Your help and support through everything, whether it was my education issues, ignorance, self-doubt, panic attacks, hopelessness, guilt, having everyone I knew hate me for a while, internalized homophobia, my delusions, Suffer Camp, relapses, opening up to my parents, that night I attempted, opening up to my parents again, the whole paranoia keeping me from talking my antidepressants, all of 2020, nightmares, the overly Christian therapist, the stress of almost ending my one existing IRL friendship on my birthday because she nearly found out I wasn't straight, breaking apart from toxic friend groups, getting over my ridiculous list of triggers, trust issues, social anxiety, everything-
I literally owe my life to you. you've been there for me through every little moment, and I cannot thank you enough for that.

I'm so glad I'm alive…
I promise y'all with every piece of my heart, there's light at the end of the tunnel. please, dear god fren, don't give up. It's not going to be easy by any means but you'll be so glad you made it, I cannot stress that enough-
Stay safe my beans. drink your water, eat your veggies, and know that I will always remember you, through all my adventures.
It's not all over, I've still got a lot to worry about, especially when it comes to my sexuality, since that Christian therapist is trying to convince me into coming out to my family and going to a weekly conversion hell camp for like 5 months, which would absolutely destroy my social life and I wouldn't have friends for years. however, I've been feeling so unstoppable lately that I feel like I could take on the world, I'm confident three years will go by fast as a bird and I'll be able to safely express myself soon, I just gotta be patient.

So that's about all, as for notebook I'll probably still be active but I doubt I'll be talking much, I want to dedicate more time to my various hobbies; drawing, art, language, exercise, music, animation, worldbuilding– and less on refreshing general 8 times a minute.
sorry for being so dramatic but I just wanted to show some appreciation-
I love y'all so much.
thank you for saving me <3
and to whoever thought I couldn't do it, you're freaking wrong, bitch. :D

@larcenistarsonist group

a;sdkfja Ella!! I'm so glad that you're okay! I can speak from experience when I say depression's a bitch. We might not know each other that much, but I can say from the bottom of my heart that I am so happy that you're okay!! :DDD Sending lots of love your way!

@actual-fandom-trash

ella i'm proud of you
i know it wasn't always easy but i'm so fucking proud of you and how you've grown
there really is light at the end, isn't there? please remember us if it does feel a little darker because that happens sometimes. you're here and you got through the shittiest parts and i'm so so glad you are here and i'm so so glad that you managed to seek help.
indirectly because of you i also sought help and it really has been better since then. you being brave helped me to be brave dude

thank you for being here. we love you and if you ever need us we are here

@croccin-champagne

i'm so proud of you! i'll warn you, sometimes things will get bad again for a bit, but that's just because healing obviously isn't a linear process, but keep fighting! and we're always here to support you through any bad times!! i'm so glad things are better, you deserve a clear mind <3

@HighPockets group

I'm so, so proud of you, Ella. I don't know what else there is to say, but I'm incredibly happy that you're doing so much better. You're an amazing person and I'm proud to call myself your friend <3

@tungsten fastfood

ELLA OMG I’m so fucking proud of you. I’m so glad to hear that you’re doing better and improving on yourself. Get that bread honey!!!!!!!!!!!!