forum Oh hey, i have another cringe-y thing that can be critiqued, anyone want to venture into the unknown?

Started May 05, 2018 by Deleted user

tune

The title is self-explanatory. What you will read will be full of grammatical errors and confusion. TURN BACK WHILE YOU CAN!

The room echoed with chatter while I silently ate my lunch. Audra sat beside me, looking off into the distance seemingly looking at the wall across from us. Hunter, Ember, and Bryan were deep in conversation about books and such. I wanted to join in but didn’t quite know how. I kept my gaze on my food while I ate.
Some time passed when I heard some shuffling near me. I looked up to see Megan making her way over to us, holding her try of food while she dodged bodies of hungry teenagers.
She finally made her way over to us and sat in front of me, next to Ember.
“Hi, fren! Been awhile!” She happily declared, breaking Ember from her conversation with her boyfriend and little brother.
“Hey Megan, how’s it going?” Ember asked, uncertainty sparking in her green eyes.
Megan shifted in her seat. “Kinda lonely since Aaden moved out, he was always so optimistic.”
“Same with Robert, I miss his sarcasm and such,” She paused, “James too…” Hunter looked alarmed, obviously James wasn’t the best topic after he had moved away. Everyone knew Megan had a crush on the blonde. Even Audra, who was quite unhappy with Megan’s interference with her ex-boyfriend.
Audra’s eyes glanced about the table frantically, hiding her fear with a glare. Why was she so scared? It still must be a sensitive subject with her, just like Dad…
“How’s he been?” Megan asked, distracting me from my thoughts. “Any news on his grades, or his home-life?”
“Good, good. He likes his new school.” Hunter answered after a pause.
“Do you still have his number?” Megan asked.
“Well,-”
Audra suddenly stood up banging the table with the palms of her hands. Her dark eyes held a deadly glare. “Why do you care?” She yelled.
Hunter stopped dead in his tracks, giving my sister a warning look. Why was he trying to warn her?
Whatever he was doing, she ignored it. “Answer me, why do you care?”
“Well, he’s my friend-”
“BULLSHIT!” She yelled. “You’ve never been part of this group! You prance around with your little happy friends and ignore everyone else until it’s convenient for you!”
“Audra!” Ember gasped.
“You shut your trap, you know very well what I’m talking about! She’s done it to you too!” She clenched her teeth together. “You don’t belong here! You never did! Stop getting in our business and stop asking about James. He made his choice to leave, stop questioning us about what we don’t know!” She growled.
“What-”
“LEAVE!”
“Audra, calm down.” I steadied my voice from lack of use.
“No Tom, I will not! I’m tired of this bitch getting in everyone’s asses!” She cursed. My sister, who looks like one to curse but rarely does, just cursed someone out in the middle of school. Her vile usage of words shocked me. “I told you once, I’ll tell you one more time, leave!”
Megan collected her things from her short stay and got up and left. Despite her calm face, she boiled with anger as she left the table.
Audra fell down on her seat again, she put her head down on the grey speckled surface. The cafeteria had grown eerily quiet, all but a few whispers.
“I’m sorry,” I heard a soft whisper. “I couldn’t hold it in any longer.”
Ember who really hadn’t said much but a word spoke up. “I understand. We’re all affected by James’ choice to move.”
“No you’re not,” She curtly growled. “You-”
“Don’t you dare Audra,” Hunter spoke, his voice hoarse but calm. “He was my best friend, do not go there!” He calmly stated with a hint of anger in his voice.
She grew quiet. “You’re right.” She got up. “Excuse me.” Audra strode out of the room, those who had been close enough to see her as the one yelled, stared after her.

I read it! I just wanna give you a disclaimer, it may sound like I hate it cuz I'm just giving critiques, but I didn't. But it's just too short for me to love it, too. All I'm saying is, it seems good but I could make a better judgement on how I feel about it if I read one or two chapters (which is how it usually goes with most people's weiting, especially if it's mostly dialogue like what you have here). But anyhoo, HERE I GO:

• "looking off into the distance seemingly looking at the wall across from us." That's kinda redundant. :P
• "Some time passed when I heard some shuffling near me." Why does "some time" have to pass at all? It's just unnecessary (I'm all for having every single word count).
• "uncertainty sparking in her green eyes." The word "uncertainty" makes the meaning uncertain (ayyy) in this sentence. What is she uncertain about? Asking how Megan is? I'm guessing you're trying to tell me that she's uncertain in the way she feels about Megan, but that adjective is too vague for it to come across to the readers well… And the question still remains of WHY she's uncertain. And if that's even a negative feeling.
• "Hunter looked alarmed, obviously James wasn’t the best topic after he had moved away. Everyone knew Megan had a crush on the blonde. Even Audra, who was quite unhappy with Megan’s interference with her ex-boyfriend." This whole section is confusing, and I'm sure it's mostly to do with the fact that I'm just now meeting these people.
• So I think I'm missing the point. Why is it such a big deal that James moved? That happens all the time, and I'm surprised they're all acting this way in a public place. Maybe in privacy with intimate friends, but not in a school cafeteria? Is there another reason they're all so upset? And again, it's hard to keep all the characters straight. I think I've got it, but it should be effortless to understand. Is this at the very beginning of your story?
• Another thing is, your first person narrator acts a lot more like a third person narrator. He (I think?) seems to know everything about how the people around him feel, but that shouldn't be possible. And we as the readers, even though we are supposed to be in his head, have no idea how he's feeling. I think it would be better for you to switch to third person to accomplish talking about how everyone feels. But if you wanted to stay in first person, you need to show us the narrator's thoughts and feelings a lot, and sometimes ONLY his. He'll be able to guess if so-and-so left in anger, but you can't say that they DID. He'll observe facial expressions and maybe assume what someone in thinking or feeling, but he could be wrong. Which would totally change how you're writing now (since it's basically third person right now). But I think keeping it as first person but totally changing your approach would help in keeping the characters straight, cuz at least readers can be grounded in the narrator and see everyone in his unique lens.

Overall, I promise it wasn't cringey! But it definitely does need to be tighter. I think it will go beyond the next level if you just make three pretty simple (meaning like nothing to do with plot or arcs or anything complicated, just writing style) changes: be more descriptive of the atmosphere (which includes feelings, movements, and background) with more exact and vivid nouns, adjectives, and adverbs; find a way to keep your characters straight; settle on either third person or first person (without trying to make it sound like both) and run with it. That's all I've got!

Here are my answers to your questions.
1: I noticed that. I was just too out of it to fix it.
2: I just thought it was more normal. Bad excuse.
3: She's never been great friends with Megan after they kind of drifted apart. She's constantly afraid of being hurt by those around her. Megan is one of those people.
4: He didn't move, he died. They're lying about it. This is why Audra is so messed up about the whole situation. Hunter's trying to warn her not to continue. Tom doesn't know James died, like Megan. "He made his choice to leave," is really showing that he made his choice in his death, he killed himself.
5: This is not the beginning, this is a section of book three.
Audra is a ticking time-bomb, ready to explode at any second. They've had plenty of conversations about this in private but Megan just really makes Audra mad.
6: I'm still working on Tom. I'm having a hard time getting in the heads of the Laymaier twins, bear with me.

All of those are good answers, it makes a LOT of sense now. I was looking at it through the lens of not having read the series before. Most of my problems with it aren't really problems anymore, then. :) Sorry if it felt like I was too harsh, though.

No, no it's okay. You weren't harsh. Every section that I've had critiqued on this site, so far, is the same story, everything is connected, just to let you know. You were a great help. I'm still working on expanding my metal Thesaurus and I think I'm slowly getting there.
Also, I fixed the redundant one in my draft on google docs, just to let you know.

Okay cool! Your story seems pretty vast and complicated, then! Super interested.

Oh, it is. Six pov's within three books, hidden lore, fourth wall breaking, clashing magic systems, it's a lot to work with and hard to write. I'm getting there though. But sadly, It's my only project.

It's not bad that it's your only project, that lets you be ambitious with it. I usually focus on one at a time, too.

I'm just afraid that if I do get Usotm done, I'll run out of ideas.