So, I uh… I'm not sure where to say this since my parent's aren't aware. And I have some explaining to do about my absence. I have been on and off of Notebook for this reason.
I have been having heavy mental breakdowns for the past few months. They've been happening for a while, I just thought it was due to my PTSD. But there's one thing I should mention. I don't feel like me. I don't feel like my body is my own. I haven't felt comfortable in my body for years, and this has been causing a lot of mental breakdowns. I don't care what gender you call me, a he, she, they, it, whatever. I was born female, but I don't feel like I belong in a female body. I don't feel male either, so I don't know what's going on. It's confusing and there are times where I hate my body to the point where I go into a depressive episode that takes ages to get out of. My dad refuses to call me by my preferred name, since "Bella" is what he's called me my entire life. I just feel like I'm stuck in a body I can't call my own. I feel natural in binders, happier in fact. But I don't want to take T or be a male. And I don't want to be a female. I like both spectrum's. I like wearing makeup, but I like guy stuff too. So… I don't know what's happening? Am I just having more mental breakdowns because I have no idea what's going on inside my head or on my body? Is this normal? And how the hell am I supposed to talk to my parents when I have little confidence in the fact that they'll allow me to bind or just understand that I want to go by a different name? Anyone have any advice?
Yes, this has been the reason why I have been taking gaps away from notebook.
@RedTheHopeless and @UnseelieKing-FloridaMan can help. I’m really sorry, Bleu, I can’t do a lot, but there’s people who can.
I don't know much about your life Bleu, but I do know that what you're describing is very similar to what I felt. So, I'll give you advice that helped me along my journey, and hopefully it will do the same for you.
Don't rush yourself. There's a lot of unconscious feelings lingering just beneath the surface, don't feel the need to hurry them along. You'll find out for sure in due time, but it's okay if it's slow. It's frustrating, sure, but figuring things out can only be done so quickly without sacrificing accuracy for speed.
Labels are only what you make of them. If something feels right or sounds right, then don't be afraid to let us know. It's equally as valid if you also just want to try something out and see how you feel about it. And it's just as okay to use the vaguest label, or none at all. I've tried to force myself into labels, but it eventually never quite fit perfectly, and that may be the case for you too. And that's okay. You are who you are, and you like who you like. That's it.
Do what makes you feel good. Be who you feel like being. You don't have to choose one or the other. Find people you trust to confide in. Talk with them. Let them know what's going on, and tell then what they can do to help.
I can't give much more then what Red said, but would you like some hotlines to call?
888-843-4564
1-866-488-7386 (trevor project)
Hey Bleu. I might not have much to offer on this, since I personally have never gone through something like this, but my inbox is always open if you need to talk, and I know I'm not the only one who is willing to help or even to just listen. I'd also say that, if it's an option, finding a good therapist to talk about this with could help. At the very least, they could give you some advice face to face and be there to help out. Also, a therapist is legally not allowed to divulge anything you tell them, not even to your parents, unless there's a real danger to you or others. So. I hope I've helped at least a little, and if I haven't…I'm sorry. Either way, I'm here if you need someone, and I am so sorry for what you're going through.
Thank you, Ice. That means a lot.
Remember we're always here if you need something and my dms are always open wether to vent or talk about random shit
You guys have no idea how much that means to me.
Same here, Bleu. We're here for you, buddy. You are not alone.
I appreciate it, I really do.
