I'm writing a short book on google docs, and I've only written about a page so far, but if anyone wants to give constructive comments or suggestions be my guest. Find the story so far here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1LRMkZFkCNIzmn046D3GHHHe6B7F_WAlXhNTp-CM6_pU/edit?usp=sharing
Hey! This seems like a robust start, but I am a bit concerned that the Point of View character, Harper, doesn't have much going for her. From the beginning, we get a lot about her family: her sister's been in an accident! Her family is apparently well-off enough to recover from the medical bills of having that accident and also have a house nice enough to give Harper a walk-in closet! But…we don't get too much information about Harper herself. In fact, we only learn her name on page 3. Until then, we just know she's living her life with these things happening. She doesn't seem to have strong opinions about anything, other than occasionally yelling at an adult.
Also, why does Harper say that she doesn't believe in love, but would like to have a boyfriend? That would be an opportunity for her to express herself.
I would also caution against using dashes when commas would suffice (from "I was tempted to skip school- that is- until my mom came upstairs" to "I was tempted to skip school- that is, until my mom came upstairs")
May I ask how long you've been writing?
Ok, I was skimming over your writing and I noticed a few things. You don't use 'said' very much, if at all, which is good, but so many different words make your writing seem forced. It is ok to use 'said' when you deem it appropriate. The tone, as I said before, seems a little forced. Ease into the conversations and start a new line when someone else speaks, or if people are speaking back and forth, give each of their replies a line of their own. Your work has potential, I encourage you to keep writing!
Urby, thanks so much for your advice. I've been writing for about six months, but not very often as I have to keep up my grades in university. I'm not in any writing classes, so I'm not shocked that it needs a lot of work, I just do it for fun. I'll be sure to try out your changes.
I'm gonna disagree with Astrid on the "said" thing to an extent. I think you should try to use "said" as much as possible. And I'm gonna explain why in a separate post, since it's kinda long and I want others' opinions on it. :P