Idk why but sometimes it's easy for me to focus on one random scene in the book that I know will be important and just work with that scene. For now before I head off to bed, here's this one.
(Btw this is in the year 2750 and you will gain context as I go along here)
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Sydney flipped into her bunk dramatically. Leah looked up from her book. "Bad day?" She asked as Damian and Elizabeth walked into the room and closed the door, sitting down on the modern chairs by the door. Sydney covered her face with her hands. "You could say that, yeah. I almost died today. And this time almost took a while bridge with me."
"Well you're not called Mockingbird for nothing." Leah pointed out. Elizabeth nodded. "Sydney we're young. We make mistakes. It happens. Especially in our line of work." Damian was silent , her glittering blue eyes watching Sydney quietly. "Are you SURE that you're alright Syd?"
"Yeah I'm okay. Just tired and a little sore from today's training. I'm hungry too. Kitchen raid?" Sydney asked, propping herself up on her elbow and looking at her friends with an amused smirk. All three other girls smiled. "You know it." Elizabeth said as all three stood up.
Okay, this is my first time critiquing anything so let's just walk through this
Sydney flipped into her bunk dramatically. Leah looked up from her book. "Bad day?" She asked as Damian and Elizabeth walked into the room and closed the door, sitting down on the modern chairs by the door. Sydney covered her face with her hands. "You could say that, yeah. I almost died today. And this time almost took a while bridge with me."
Not much detail here, I know it's a random scene you are doing but still. another thing is, you are supposed to start a new paragraph when someone new talks etc etc.
"Well you're not called Mockingbird for nothing." Leah pointed out. Elizabeth nodded. "Sydney we're young. We make mistakes. It happens. Especially in our line of work." Damian was silent , her glittering blue eyes watching Sydney quietly. "Are you SURE that you're alright Syd?"
Is this the first scene in the book story novel thing? It seems like you are trying to draw a reader in with questions like why is Sydney called "Mockingbird" because she almost killed people? because she's upset about it? it is also hard to keep track of who is talking in the second and third paragraphs. You seemed to have captured every character cliche possible in this type of story; the angsty op protagonist (Sydney), the close literate friend (Leah), The silent but b@dass one (Damian), and the one that is just kind've there (Elizabeth) I'm not trying to put you down or anything, just pointing it out; just because they are cliche does not mean they cant be interesting.
"Yeah I'm okay. Just tired and a little sore from today's training. I'm hungry too. Kitchen raid?" Sydney asked, propping herself up on her elbow and looking at her friends with an amused smirk. All three other girls smiled. "You know it." Elizabeth said as all three stood up.
little more vagueness, why is Sydney training? did Syd almost destroy the bridge while training? You stated that the reader will gain context as the excerpt went on but I still don't know lol. I'm sure there is some explanation for whats going that would make things easier to understand on but I critiqued what I had lol.
Well it's short so there's not much to judge on your writing style over all, but here's what I noticed:
- "Sydney flipped into her bunk dramatically." I think using "onto" instead of "into" would make more sense. For some reason it threw me off. :P
- "sitting down on the modern chairs by the door" I don't know about using the adjective "modern" here, since the readers have no idea what this year's "modern" even looks like. And I think describing the chairs isn't necessary, so describing it with "modern" is just a distraction to the reader in the end.
- "Well you're not called Mockingbird for nothing." Will readers know the significance of the word "Mockingbird" by now? Because to me, a bird just sounds harmless. :P
- Everyone could use a kitchen raid every so often. XD
Lol thx to both of you. And yes, I was planning to have it as the beginning of the book more or less. I had originally planned for Damian and Sydney to have switched rolls, but then Syd just kind of stole the spotlight last night while I was writing late at night and I'm just going with it bc I like it.
(OKAY SCRATCH THAT ENTIRE THING. I've been tweaking my book today and realized that while all main characters were somewhat necessary, I had too many. So in the first book I will be focusing on the unstoppable trio that is Damian, Sydney, and Peyton. With Tyler there too, of course, since he is one of the key characters. So that scene never happened………)
But I'll post random paragraphs here bc #1, it's rlly fun, #2, sometimes I get an outburst of creativity and have to write the random paragraph somewhere, and #3, bc it's rlly nice to get critiqued, and helps me improve my writing.
Yeah go for it! I'll keep notifications on for this thread.
So, can I ask what this story is about?
(insert dramatic voice) It's the year 2750, and the United States was bombed by an organization called Anaideia(they don't know who did it yet though). As the government scrambled to pick up the pieces Parvati came up with an idea. She wanted to build an organization of young adults to stop things like this from ever happening again and also as a task force to rebuild the United States. The President was the first to agree. So she did exactly that. She started S.R.Y.A.D.(aka Search and Rescue Young Adults Division) and that is where we are now.
Okay, three questions;
1- What does the organization gain from attacking one of the most powerful countries in the world?
2- Was the entire country bombed? like from one end to the other pure destruction?
3- Why kids? Wouldnt adults seem more efficient? How can kids "rebuild the United States"
This seems like a solid YA novel. How does the plot go? well, how much do you have plotted out?
Your answers:
1- Augustus Flanderhaul, more commonly known as one of the most influential politicians besides the President, is the one behind the bombing. The classic, 'Destroy the strongest and most stable government in the world then take over the world' such and such. But of course, his plan backfires.
2- Yes.
3- One, they're not kids, they're ages 15-24. Two, they're the new generation. They're younger and stronger and more hopeful than the adults are. And the 'rebuilding the United States' is a long process that would take a long time to explain at the moment.
I have some things plotted out, but am still tweaking and writing and revising and sheesh it's hard. But fun too.
The more you explain the more I like this lol
Imma write more here in a minute
