forum Anyone wanna proof-read each others writing? (Closed.)

Started May 25, 2018 by @Paperok

tune

yeah that could work. or for a more gory version dead fish etc

Welp I have something else lol.

I`ve never thought of myself as suicidal, but falling to my death down a seemingly infinite pit I guess there’s a first time for everything. But, let’s stop for a second

My name is Cera Abbey Strander I am fifteen years old, me and my siblings Kim and Thomas ran away from home. Why? Kim had this idea about a pit right out of town that would lead to a better place she said she`d been there before, she planned for the two of us to run away to the pit and jump in. we snuck out at midnight but Thomas must've been listening in on our plans or something, he followed us. Unlike Kim and me, he wasn’t adopted; Rhia and Thomas senior were his biological parents. Kim and I were adopted from the same children’s home in Florida.

When we got to the pit, Kim had pushed us in. yeah, I guess homocide is more fitting. but if we stayed behind then we probably would have been arrested she had already attacked the police. Still why did I let her talk us into this? Wind forced tears out of my eyes, its too late for regrets, I let this happen. A world opened up before us.We were right above a lake; Thomas fell below me screaming his head off, well so was I. I hit the water hard, so hard my vision went black temporarily; when I recovered, I swam as hard as I could to the surface. Thomas was already wading on the water by the time I burst out of the water gasping for air, so was Kim

“That’s not fair!” Thomas was yelling, “I want to go home!”

Kim pushed her wavy auburn hair out of her face “well that’s what you get for following us!” I decided not to bring up my hasty assumption that Kim left us for dead.

“Where are we?” I asked taking in the scenery,

“We made it!” Kim exclaimed, “I told you this place was real!” Thomas wiped his eyes

“I thought we were gonna die” Thomas whined, “You didn’t have to push us” I felt my wrist for my hair band paying hardly any attention to their conversation

“You two were taking too long!” Kim growled, “If it weren’t for me you would’ve been shot!” I put my hair into a loose ponytail then decided to speak up

“Seriously though,” I said “they wouldn’t have been trying to shoot us if you hadn’t blown up their patrol cars, where’d you even get those pipe bombs?”

As usual, all eyes were on Kim, she shrugged “I made them” Thomas and I stared at her amazed “it wasn’t that hard” she reached to her back for her bag “I still have some” after a few seconds of silence “I lost my bag” she confessed

“What?” I almost sunk into the water at the surprise “we had all our stuff in that bag!”

Thomas looked like he was about to cry, “What do we do?” he whined “I don’t wanna die!”

“Were not going to die you crybaby” Kim said “lets just hurry up and get to shore, we`ll figure everything out there”

There wasn’t much to figure out except how we were going to get food and water the water we were in was probably fresh but I didn’t feel like taking a chance who knows this place may have a completely different set of rules about that. We swam to shore, honestly I hated swimming every now and I’d go back up to the surface and wade for a while, Kim and Thomas on the other hand; their heads popped up every now and then. I swear those two are half fish, I made a mental note that I didn’t see any fish on the way to shore.

When we reached the shore we climbed out onto the grass, it seemed normal enough

“Wow” Thomas rolled onto his back “I'm tired” Kim and I took in our surroundings; the sun was bright in the middle of the sky, we were deep in a forest, mountains could be seen in the distance but beyond that, who knew it could be hell for all we knew

“You think that water is safe to drink?” I asked Kim

“Well only one way to find out” she crawled back to the water “if it is, we should make camp here scout for food before sundown”

“Wait!” Thomas and I shouted in unison but Kim didn’t care she lowered her face to the water and cupped some in her hands bringing it the rest of the way to her mouth. We waited in silence staring at Kim`s back

“It’s good” Kim stood up and turned to look down at us “it tastes like Dasani”

“Yeah!” Thomas crawled back to the water I stared at Kim; she looked at me and grinned then fell backwards into the water.
“KIM!” I screamed “THOMAS DON’T DRINK THE WATER!” Thomas dove into the water after her; I forgot how deep that water was what if he can’t get to her in time

Thomas burst out of the water with Kim in arm, he pushed her onto shore, I scrambled over to them “was it poison?” Thomas asked climbing out of the water

“I don’t know!” I admitted, she was unconscious I laid my head on her chest frantically searching for a heartbeat I found one, though very faint “I’ve never seen this on TV before!”

“Didn’t we bring any normal water?” Thomas looked around frantically for a bag “did we bring anything?”

“Everything we brought was in the bag, which is in the lake!” I demanded

“Lemme look!” Thomas jumped back into the water. I started pumping Kim`s chest, her favorite orange and green striped sweater seemed so much darker, as if it was bloody, but it wasn’t. I pressed harder id never learned to do CPR before, wasn’t there a song beat you were supposed to press to? Suddenly she started coughing,

Yes! That`s what happens when their better right? Blood spilled out of her mouth and nose, No! No! no! I pressed my mouth against hers and started blowing; I got a mouthful of blood eww gross! I spit the stuff out and started coughing fell next to her

Thomas burst out of the water “what happened? I couldn’t find the bag!” he saw all the blood “whats going on?”

I sat up “I don’t know what to do! This isn’t normal!”

“What did you think would happen?” Thomas yelled, “we shouldn’t have come here! Now we’re all gonna die!”

I wanted to punch him, that idiot he was right we shouldn’t have come I had a feeling it would be suicide, something about the way Kim pitched the idea gave me that vibe, it would be the end of us. we shouldn’t have let Thomas come fourteen years old killed by who know what . It’s not as if Kim and I were any better at fifteen but still, this was our fault, no this was my fault I could have stopped her. Therefore, whatever happens next is on my head.

It loomed over us, I don’t know if it snuck up on us or fell from the sky, but one second there was nothing the next there it was, it wore a black cloak and a hood over its head, it stood at about six feet tall, there was a sword hilt sticking out of the back its cloak

Then it removed the hood, a man his red eyes flashed, and he had a long mane of black hair,

“Hello” his voice was calm “I assume your friend here drunk the water” before Thomas or I could respond, he continued “trust me or not, but the more time we waste, the closer your friend gets to and excruciating death” I nodded

“What do we do?” my voice sounded pathetic

“You watch” and at that, he went to work.

The only thing I would say is: punctuation. You have a couple run on sentences, or you’re missing a comma after something someone says. Ex:

“Hello” his voice was calm “I assume your friend here drunk the water”

The better way to say that would probably be:

“Hello,” the man said, his voice calm. “I assume your friend here drank the water.”

yeah, i agree
but its reaaaally good

Wooow! Awesome storyline! only thing I'd change is to show more action. It seemed that a lot of the story is thoughts and dialogue. It might be just me though.

Thanks, guys. I understand your points. Who's next?

I really like the story line too. Besides the grammer, I thought it was really good.

Thanks, Anyone else have something to post?

Nah, i think that’s it. It was so good!

So any other excerpts? Yall can post a character too if you want

I refuse to let this thread die! Heres chapter twooo

-Kimberly-

*The town was ablaze. I strolled through the street without a care in the world. I carried two swords, and a few other various weapons, on my chest strap.

“Die demon!” a man charged me, he seemed to come from one of the burning buildings; he swung a pitchfork at me in a downward swipe, I sidestepped the swipe and sliced the pitchfork in two pieces then I ran him through with the other sword. I stared into his eyes and realized he wasn’t that much older than I was. Somehow, he reminded me of Thomas, and then he doubled over dead. I continued my stroll slaying villagers one after another it went by so fast I began to lose track of time. I pinned a woman to the side of a hut with my sword, she stared down at me with horror as the baby in her arms fell to the ground

“MOM NO!” a girls voice screamed not too far away, probably just a few feet out of my blades range. The baby started to cry,

“Jesse Run!” the woman yelled before I ran my other blade across her throat, blood spilled out of the slash, the woman slumped on the blade in her chest

“I’ll kill you!” the girl named Jesse screamed she was older than I was, her eyes seemed to glow red in the firelight

-Kill her- the voice told me –do not stop now, kill them all!-

I took a step toward her, she took off running and she ran fast too. I didn’t chase her, I could have caught her and killed her but I didn’t

-FOOL!- the voice shook my mind forcing me to my knees –now you’re going to head to the next village over- I nodded meekly and stood up. The village burned around me a baby`s cry seemed to drown out the sound of flames, shut up, I begged quietly

-finish what you have started girl- the voice sneered. The crying seemed to amplify –show no mercy- I hastily snatched a grenade from my chest strap, pulled the pin and threw it towards the crying…

After an earsplitting explosion. There was no more crying.*

I woke with a start. I was in a bed, in a small room, wearing a simple shirt and pants, where is my sweater? a nightstand sat beside a window with lamp lighting the room; other than that and the door, the room was empty. Out the window, I could see trees. Then the door opened and Thomas walked in, it took him a second to realize I was awake

Kim” he started jumping up and down “Gordon! Cera! She’s awake!” a man walked into the room he had a long mane of black hair like seriously it was all the way down his back and poofy as hell, Cera followed him in

“You had us worried!” Cera said wrapping her arms around me, pain surged through my body but I pushed it down keeping my expression straight, that’s right I drunk the lake water, what happened to me? Who is this guy?

Cera let go of me and took a step back the three of them stared at me as if waiting for me to explode or something

“What happened?” I asked

Cera spoke before Thomas could, but the whole while, Gordon`s red eyes stayed focused on me “… and then Gordon showed up and fixed you with his….umm what did you call it again?” Cera looked at Gordon who finally took his eyes off me and spoke for the first time

“anti-aguatic neuralizer” his voice was low “It transformed all of your cells to resemble the cells of, well my people” he let that sink in for a moment neither Thomas nor Cera spoke, they just stared at me, was that pity in their eyes?

“What does that mean?” I asked, “I didn’t pay attention in science class” Thomas and Cera were suddenly very interested in the floor.

“I know you three are from Primum” he scratched his mane “I do not know why you’ve come to Aliud, but I am not like the others I will protect you” I almost said we don’t need your protection but he continued “when you drunk from the water of this world you doomed yourself”

“Okay” I scratched my bare arms under the blanket, rubbing off old scabs reminding me of how long it has been since I cut myself

“I transformed all of your cells to resemble those of a native Aliudian”

“So?” I crossed my arms

“It means you can’t go home” Thomas eyes filled with tears, that crybaby “your body is set on this places water, if you drink water from home it’ll kill you” no one spoke, Thomas words hung in the air like a storm cloud

“You two.” Gordon spoke “I would like a moment with Kim here alone” the two looked at him confused but he gave both of them a stern look “please I promise I won’t hurt her” reluctantly they agreed and left the room, Gordon closed the door behind them

“You didn’t tell them you were in pain,” he said strictly

“Why would I?” I shifted positions under the blanket “they’re already freaked out”

“At any moment you could die” he crossed his arms “your body could reject your ever changing cells”

“So what” I climbed out of the bed “if I die I die, now I have a question”

“Yes?” his eyes shifted ever so slightly, but I could tell he was keeping something back

“I know I'm going to stay here in what did you call it? Allid? But what about them, if they can’t drink any water how are they going to survive? Or did you ‘transform’ them too?”

“The name of this world is Aliud, and no I did not, I have prepared portions of Primum water for a journey long enough to get them home” I nodded,

“I had a sweater, where is it” I crossed my arms looking him in the eye, those red eyes, I had seen them before

“Yes, it’s on the clothes line at the moment” he gestured out the window

“Okay,”

“How about I get you something to eat, I’ve made your friends waffles, would you like some?”

“Yeah sure,” I hated waffles honestly but I was hungry “and by the way,” Gordon had moved toward the door but he stopped

“Yes, what is it?”

“Those aren’t my friends,” I growled “their family all that I have. Let me warn you, I do not care if you’re the only reason I'm still alive, if you make any move to hurt them…. I will kill you” he stared at me for a few moments his eyes completely void of emotion, then he chuckled

“Trust me Kim, I have no intention of hurting your family but my daughter will return soon and she hates your kind with a passion”

“Why?” I asked

“A primion killed my wife and newborn son a few years ago, a child slaughtered three villages with no mercy, she’s been hunting that girl ever since but she disappeared without a trace”

“Whats her name?”

“Jesse, Jesse Kraig”

Jesse….no that was a nightmare, there is no way.

It was just a nightmare

“lets go eat” Gordon smiled then left the room

Sorry guys, notebook just hadn't been working for me for a little while there. That's an amazing story line Paperok! I can't find anything wrong with it right now.

Just punctuation is all I see! Its great!

Thanks guys! Now, You have any snippets or characters you want to share? ill be glad to critique

I wrote something recently…. here lemme post it….

It’s out of context lol but um yeah:

Four hours later, we were boarding a plane, United flight 3791, New Jersey to San Francisco. Getting through security had been a nightmare, what with Emlyn and Liia touching everything, Tracy asking a TSA agent where to find the library, and Walt and Wyatt refusing to follow any rule whatsoever, thus setting off about seven metal detectors. Thank goodness we didn’t have any luggage.
“Alright, Tracy, Emlyn, Liia, you sit there,” I instructed, pointing to their assigned seats. “And for heaven’s sake, don’t conjure anything.”
My, Walt, and Wyatt’s seats were directly across from them. “You two, window and middle. I’m taking the aisle,” I said. They actually listened for once, sitting down quietly and following my instructions.
I watched the steady stream of passengers board, examining them and their bags as subtly as I could. These wizards are making me more paranoid by the minute.
All of the passengers looked normal, but one caught my eye. She was dressed well enough, in a businesslike dress, but her face looked withered and her hair matted, though she struck me as no older than thirty.
She sat two rows behind me, and when the flight attendant came by to ask her if she’d like anything to drink before takeoff, the woman rasped, “No thank yo— yes, a whiskey—if I must, a club soda plea— whiskey, on ice,” her voice jarringly uneven.
“Uh…. of course, ma’am. Um…. are you aware that you’ll be charged $5.99 for the whiskey?” the flight attendant answered nervously.
“How dare you charge me fo— of course, that’s fine, than—r my drink!” the woman grated out.
Odd, I thought. Multiple personality disorder?
“Hey, Walt, Wyatt,” I whispered, turning to them. “Did you see that woman behind us?” I got no answer from either of them, as Walt was playing with the window shade and Wyatt was leaning over Walt to assist him.
I sighed, leaning back in my seat. “Guess not.”

They’re not actually wizards but my main character is sarcastic so

This is good! Sure I don't understand the situation very well and we have already established I am a dunce t grammar so I wouldn't notice if there were grammar mistakes.
If you don't mind me asking, what is the story about? I'm really curious!

Lol it’s ok

This will sound kinda stupid

But it’s where the guy isn’t ‘Magick’ And the girl is and he doesn’t know it and while they’re out together getting coffee she gets attacked but he’s the only one who can see it. The “bad guys” easily get rid of him (he ends up in the hospital) and cart off the girl. In the hospital, he is tended to by undercover Magick ppl. They go on a quest to save the world, angst ensues, etc.

This is a pretty good idea! I'm kinda jealous. lol

Lol

its really good! but its kinda confusing

the grammars fine! not sure bout spelling tho

Where is the spelling off?

Also (this will sound rude but it’s not intended to be that way) how is it confusing

I think that it was a little confusing just because it was out of context, so we don't really know what's going on.