forum Anyone wanna proof-read each others writing? (Closed.)
Started by @Paperok
tune

people_alt 4 followers

@Paperok

Just gonna shamelessly repost this to get some attention
50- Exempt
"Jackson!" Zaura rushed to Jackson's side, he was face-down on the sidewalk seemingly motionless. Checking his pulse she rolled him over onto his back, Jackson was matted with dirt and blood. Zaura let out a great breath and sat back, the fighting was slowing down, the streets were littered with debris and corpses. "It's over Jackie," she said running her fingers through his hair "I'm so sorry"

"Whotet!" A few soldiers came from further down the street, Kaylee was with them. "Is he alive?" a medic approached her, Zaura nods and gets out of his way as he looks Jackson over. Kaylee gives Zaura a long look, Zaura felt a respect for that woman, it was hard not to after everything she had done.

"Zaura," Kaylee placed her hand on Zaura's shoulder "thank you." Zaura gave her a smile

"Don't be thanking me-" Zaura noticed Michael in the back of the group, she shoved past them and pulled him into a tight hug. Michael embraced her weakly as Zaura lifted him a few inches off the ground. Breaking apart, Michael huffs

"We won, didn't we?" he says quietly, Zaura nods.

"Yes"

Kaylee tore her eyes from the touching reunion happening behind her as her radio buzzed.

"Bird2 has found Queen Ashley's shuttle, it appears to have crashed" One of the pilot's voices ring through the radio "landing for recon," Kaylee wipes her brow

"Understood" A chuckle escaped Kaylee's lips, they did it.

The pilot landed his shuttle carefully in the bumpy field. The other scouted the nearby area as he stepped outside and approached the wreckage of the Queen's ship, looking over the torn parts he realized that there were two ships.

"What the hell" He circled the wreckage curiously until he found the cockpit and the Queen. "Hey there" She appeared to be alive, though unconscious. I could kill her, he thought, tell them she died in the wreck. He steps closer drawing a knife from its sheath on his breast.

"What are you doing?" Ashley spoke and the pilot froze in his tracks. "Help me" The pilot hesitates as Ashley opens her eyes, she sees the knife. "This galaxy needs me" she struggles a bit but gives up giving her legs a long look. her legs must be stuck, the pilot observes. "You have to see that" She looks deep into his eyes "You have to understand"

"We cant evolve with you holding us down" he is surprised by his own voice. Ashley shakes her head

"My sisters have been killed, a new age is already upon us, fresh minds placed on the thrones of the galaxy, you do not need to kill me when I am willing to accept change!" The pilot looks her up and down assessing her injuries, her legs are pinned under the steering panel. "Help your Queen." The pilot lowers his guard, his mind visibly swarming with conflicting thoughts. His radio buzzes.

"The area is clear, whats going on down there?" The pilot goes for his radio, at the same moment, the queen flinches, the pilot shrugs it off but is shoved to the side by another man who aims his hand at the queen screaming at the top of his lungs

"DIE" there is a burst of condensed blue light from the cockpit, it tears through the man's shoulder and he falls backward. The pilot regains his balance and sees the Queen's outstretched arm, aimed at him. He sidesteps a second blast and whips out his gun pointing it at her. She does not lower her arm.

"I'm sorry," she says "I got carried away, you can put the gun down" The pilot looks over to the man Ashley shot, the blast detached his arm at the shoulder. He looks familiar but is covered with cuts and burns obscuring his face.

"Put that lethal arm of yours down first," The pilot says returning his attention to Ashley. She obliges and turns her attention to her legs

"Help me," she feels up the panel. "I have to address the people" The pilot gives the incapacitated man another look, he is still breathing, clutching the place where his arm was. He was saying something. Ashley fired another blast but much more limited, shaving off the metal and glass restricting her. The pilot knelt down beside the man,

"Kill her, hurry" the man whispered desperately, "kill her!" The pilot looked back up to see the Queen standing over him, aiming her hand at the man. "Kuhrihsuh." The garbled sound echoed in the pilots head, why hadn't Ashley killed him yet? She simply stared at the pilot, hand remained still, she was crying. What is happening? the pilot wondered as he stood up.

"It has always been this way hasn't it." Ashley balled her hand into a shaking fist. "Ever since I rose I damaged this galaxy and torn apart civilization after civilization" The pilot listened, silent as she went on. "I wanted to be something they could never be, I wanted to do what they could never do. To surpass perfection. Why am I faltering now?" She opened her palm and with a primal screech, she fires a blast at Cameron. The blast misses his head by a foot but she somehow doesn't seem to notice or care, she turns and starts limping away. The pilot picks up his radio

"I have the Queen, requesting orders." Kaylee's voice comes over the radio

"What is her condition?"

"She is injured but stable"

"Kill her." The pilot goes silent for a moment watching Ashley limp farther and farther. He looks down to the man,

"I need medical assistance as well, I have a severely injured civilian here"

'Understood, I'll send someone"

"Hurry." The pilot follows after Ashley, he raises his gun and fires once into her back. The Queen crumples and lands on her face. He approaches her as she grunts and squirms on the ground, apparently, he hit a lung. He kneels beside her unsheathing his knife, she looks up at him, her eyes seem so calm it's unnerving. He stares into them for a moment, "You tried your best" he brushes the hair away from her neck. "It just wasn't enough" He inserts the blade into her jugular and leaves it there. He stands and notices another shuttle, some men exit and swarm around the injured man. He looks back down at the Queen of the Galaxy, Ashley Shinzen, dead.

@CWTurtleOfFreedom

I liked it! The only thing I would say is: there were a few instances where you needed to put a period, not a comma.

Ex: Checking his pulse she rolled him over onto his back, Jackson was matted with dirt and blood.

Instead, I would say, “Checking his pulse, she rolled him over onto his back. Jackson was matted with dirt and blood.“

Besides that, it was awesome!

@Bianca di Angelo

Happy Birthday kiddo- Jonathan (you love to read so I was gonna get a book but I don't know which ones you've read so now you can make your own. Or you could just note down all the /pazzo/ (crazy) things we've gone through. )

[new page]

chapter 1- that one kid who doesn't believe in water

There aren't many of us left. But maybe, that's a good thing. Us means the ones who can travel between the worlds. There aren't many of us that aren't trapped here, trapped for the sake of something that one of us might do. And now, the small number there were are dying too. Now there's just the five of us, one from each world. One from Eerot, one from Cility, one from Hirev, one from Perith. And me. Coral Allworth. The one from Earth. Each of these worlds misses one of the five elements, earth, fire, water, air and magic. Eerot has no earth, Cility no fire, Hirev no water, Perith no air and Earth? No magic. The only insight into the other worlds are books, which are full of wonders the other worlds contain. Many believe books are fiction, but us world-travellers know better. And that's where our story begins. The day I found out I was a world traveller.

My day started normally, so I won't bore you with the details. No, I’ll skip ahead to the moment the air ate my dog. No, I don't mean the earth and no, I’m not joking. It really did swallow up my darling Snowball ( don't make fun of her name. I was only six okay?! Good, now back to the story). Yes, she is white, and yes, she does look like a ball of snow (good work six-year-old me! First prize for coming up with inventive names!). Apparently, dogs look like their owners, but for Snowball and me, that couldn't be further from the truth. She’s white, whereas my skin is olive. Her eyes are as azure as the sky after a heavy snowfall (and six-year-old Coral wins another prize for imagination) and mine are such a dark brown it’s basically impossible to tell where the iris ends and the pupil starts. My hair is raven black, and, as you know, her fur is (here it comes) snow white. We’re just as different in personality. Since she was a puppy, she would always want to run about, play catch and basically tire me as much as possible. Me? I would much rather be curled up inside with a book. Or, on sunny days, be curled up outside with a book. But I still love her to Pluto and back. Ok, Coral, focus. Back to the story.
So, Snowball was sucked up into the air. And our brave hero, Coral jumped right in after her (bad Coral). Now, I’d love to tell you that I felt all brave and strong and caring yadda yadda yadda, but the only thing I felt was idiotic. About five minutes later, I fell to the ground with a thump. Well, I say ground, but it was more of a force field with a load of water floating near it. And a group of very weird shaped creature staring at it (which were a group of Herivians. Y’know, people from Heriv. Remember what that is?).
“Is-is that water?”
“Don't be silly, water is only something in books!”
“But it looks like wate-”
“And you look like you had a mind. Guess we were both tricked, eh?”
“S-sorry Nathan”
“Mr Nathan Moore to you.”
/A bully, I thought./ I hate bullies. People who are scared, and angry, so they take it out on others? No better than cockroaches. Only this guy was, well, different. Mainly because he didn't look like he was scared or angry. He looked like he enjoyed abusing someone- for fun. Who is that twisted? Nathan Moore apparently.
I was about to turn back and find my way home when the force field shuddered and a voice boomed out of it.
“YOU ARE THE WORLD TRAVELLERS.”
The what? I wasn't the only one thinking that apparently as someone voiced my query.
“YOU ARE THE ONES WHO CAN TRAVEL BETWEEN WORLDS. THREE FROM CILITY, TWO FROM PERITH, TWELVE FROM HERIV AND SIX FROM EEROT AND ONE OF YOU HAS THE POWER TO DESTROY US ALL. THIS IS WHY YOU ARE HERE. TO STOP THE WORLDS FROM BEING DESTROYED.”
Heriv? Eerot? Where on Earth were these places? Are they even on Earth? And I didn't come from any of these places.
“Uh, you forget Earth,” I said.
“EARTH?! WE HAVEN'T HAS ONE OF THOSE IN A LONG TIME. NOT SINCE… ANYWAY, EVERYONE GO TO YOUR DOORS. NOW!”
It was then I noticed for the doors. Immense, ornate doors each with one of the four names the voice had mentioned. And as I watched, another for began to form. One that said Earth.
“Come on Snowball, let's go see what the deranged voice thing is going on about.” I muttered and through the doors we went.
Wow, that sounds like a fairy tale. And through the doors, we went. And through the woods she went. And through the castle he went. See what I mean? Anyway…

When I went in, the first thing I noticed was the books. Typical Coral. Then I had a striking feeling of deja vu. Probably because the room mirrored my bedroom. And I mean exactly. My bed, desk and closet were in the exact same position. My bookshelf was, as usual, overflowing with books that gave me a warm feeling inside whenever I looked at them. Probably because I knew I could leave Earth behind with one word from any of them. If I was even on Earth.
There was only one difference; the three ash doors in the wall.

Upon inspection, one of the doors led to a bathroom. Nothing fancy, apart from the fact that- THE BATHTUB WAS THE SIZE OF A SWIMMING POOL AND THE TOILET LOOKED LIKE A FREAKING THRONE. So yeah, just your average bathroom. Or maybe not. Anyway.
The second door was definitely the best. It led to a room which had five massive bookshelves in it, a window seat which looked like it was made for me to read on, another desk (I already had one in the main room) and a load of maps plastered to the walls. I didn't really pay much attention to anything but the books (I told you I love to read).
The third door led to another room. And in that room was-wait for it-more doors. Oh, and guess what? Those doors said on them… Earth, Heriv, Eerot, Cility and Perith. Where are these places?

“Do you like it?” asked a metallic voice, scarring the life out of me. It was literally metallic. What a car would sound like if it could speak.
“Who-who are you?” I responded, not daring to turn around.
“I am your personal assistant. My name is Zeniyhrotheofneinvioervwefieefniefemfoejenfejfihnfjfjenfjhvurnedqwifewenewfojidnwqfiefionefneioiefnnfmkjidjemdwkdiendijfefdwkfjeinwdownfnefif.”
“Yeah, I’m gonna call you Zen. So, Zen, where am I?”
“You are in the Void.”
“Where is the Void?”
“The Void is everywhere and nowhere.”
“Gee, thanks for clearing that up.”
“You are welcome. That is my job.”
“I was being sarcast- you know what? Never mind. Is there some kind of guidebook or something that might be more useful than you?”
“I do not understand. How may a book be more useful than me?”
“Is there a guidebook or something that I could read about this place?” I repeated.
“Certainly.”
“Well, can I have it please?”
“Certainly. Here you go.”
He handed me a hardback that was titled ‘Your guide to the five worlds’. I know right. Such a catchy name. Not. I glanced at the contents. There seemed to be six main parts; one about Heriv, one about Eerot, one about Perith, one about Earth, one about Cility and one titled ‘everything else’.
“Dinner is in four hours, until then, do whatever you want.” said Zen as he disappeared with a pop. The moment he left, I walked over to my bed and I began to read the guidebook.

A few hours later I heard a scream followed by a cackle. I ignored it. I heard it again. Still, I ignored it. It was only when Snowball started whining about it, I went over to see what was going on (you can hurt me all you want. There are just five things you never hurt in front of me- my family, my friends, my dog, my books and mince pies. What? I just really love mince pies.).
“Nathan, please, stop. I’m-I'm sorry, I really am.”
“SORRY?! SORRY DOESN'T GET MY BEEF JERKY BACK DOES IT?!” barked the bully. Beef jerky? I must have heard him wrong.
“I didn't know that-I didn't know that it was yours. Please, don't hurt me. Please, Nathan, please. I’m not even from Heriv.” I could hear the the fear in the victims voice, could imagine the poor thing cowering under Nathan’s hulk.
“I. DON'T. CARE.” Suddenly, the bell for dinner went off and I could barely hear Nathan shouting, telling the poor victim that they were lucky.
A door randomly appeared, marked ‘food hall’ and Snowball and I went through it.
On the far side of the hall there was a huge shopping list. Only it didn't have groceries on it. It had names, one of them was crossed off. And next to it was the word deceased.
“AS YOU CAN SEE, ONE OF YOU HAS ALREADY FAILED TO FOLLOW THE RULES AND IF YOU BREAK THE RULES, YOU DIE.” Ugh. It was that creepy voice again.
“But we don't even know the rules!” piped up a voice. The owner of that voice? Disintegrated.
“ONE OF THE RULES IS NEVER INTERRUPT ME. NOW, THE OTHER RULES.”
With a sizzle, a leaflet appeared in my hand, just as it did in the hands of everyone else in the hall.
“DINNER IS SERVED. SEE YOU ALL TOMORROW IN THE MORNING.”
Dinner is served? We haven’t even had any food. Then I realised that, amazingly, I did feel full. Somehow, we’d eaten without touching food. Would this place ever cease to amaze me? No one else seemed to be surprised, then I remembered what I’d read in the guidebook. About the five different worlds. And how each was missing an element, about how everyone else had grown up in a world of magic. Were all their meals like this? My head spinning with questions, I retreated to my room.
The next morning, the moment I reached the hall, the first thing I looked at was the list of everyone that was in this crazy place. My dreams had been nothing but a recurring nightmare; that I would never see my friends and family ever again, that I would die here. On the list, there were only eleven of us left, not including me. What can they have possibly done in the night? Then I wondered if the people with magic slept like they ate; which is to say, not at all. I was lucky to just be alive. Or was I? Was it better to be dead than to be trapped here, in this place where every breath, every move, every word made you wonder if it was going to be your last? Was I really so lucky to be alive? Yes. I am. I have a chance of seeing my family again. I am lucky. Stop wallowing in self-pity, Coral.

“What did those fools do to break the rules in the night? Idiots.” sneered the voice of Nathan Moore from the other side of the hall. I could hear him, but not see him. Maybe that was a good thing. What is his problem? This guy was really getting on my nerves. “Oi you, the idiot from Cility, Ellan Gerena, get me some chocolate.”
“Y-yes Ethan.” stammered the voice that belonged to the the poor person that Ethan was bullying last night. Ellan. So that was her name. And she’s from Cility..wherever that is. Why does she let Nathan push her around like that?

Unlike the dinner, for breakfast there was actually food; toast, raspberry jam, milk and cereal. The hall was now organised so that it it had five tables, each with a different number of chairs at them. The chairs all had a nameplate at them, so naturally, I walked to the chair with my name on it. There was no more chairs at my table so I assumed the seating plan was based on which “world” you came from.

At this point, you’re probably wondering why I wasn't freaking out big time. Why i wasn't going crazy; or at least trying to escape. I’d love to tell you that it was because I was being all brave and stuff. The truth? I was so freaked out I just didn't believe it. At all. You know how when you feel really, really cold that after a while your senses overload that you don't feel the cold anymore? It was kinda like that. Only with my thoughts and emotions.

I took a mental tally of everyone seated in the hall. At my table there was me and Snowball (obviously). Craning my neck, I could just about tell who was from Heriv: Nathan along with three other boys and four girls I hadn't seen before. At the table for Cility was only one person; a girl, probably Ellan. Perith and Eerot had a boy and a girl respectively. Everyone was eating, so I did too.
Soon after I finished eating, the creepy voice thing told us to go through the door- which, of course had randomly appeared. As everybody began crowding through the door, I realized that only Heriv had more than one person remaining. /Did they train the people there to be prepared for something like this there? /

The room we just entered resembled a gym, only with instead of weights there were swords, guns, spears, bows, whips and all sort of weapons. And for some strange reason a pair of gloves. Lacy, intricate gloves. Next to the weapons (and gloves) was some kind of machine, like the scanners used in airports. In front of the that were a bunch of dummies. By which I mean the mannequin type dummies, not the Nathan Moore type dummies. this was the first time I'd seen Ethan up close. He had sandy blonde hair as straight as a ruler and green eyes with a startling resemblance to a cat's. He was the kind of handsome that made your dad hate him. Not that I cared. Obviously. Standing by the machine was a man clad in a plain white suit. He had a bushy beard and blue eyes that reminded me of Snowballs. His build was similar to that of Zen's, only more muscular.
"You are all world travellers," he said "and every world traveller needs a weapon.."
"Uh, why?" some one asked.
"Isn't it obvious?" came the reply "Life is dangerous for you. I'm surprised there are so many of you still here." So many? How is twelve so many? Well, twelve and a dog.
"Does Snowball need a weapon too?" I asked him.
"Snowball?"
"My dog."
"Oh," here he suppressed a chuckle "of course not. Now, to find the best weapon for you, please step in the scanner."
One by one, everyone began to get their weapon. Everybody from Heriv got a two bladed sword. Like, everyone. The person who I think was from Eerot got a whip. The guy from Perith received a bow and a quiver of arrows. I got a gun. Only, get this, there were two types of bullets: normal, and EXPLODING. Like, cool! The weirdest weapon was Ellan's though. She got the gloves. I didn't think it was that great, but everyone else freaked out. Over gloves./Gloves./
"The Gloves of Power…I thought those were only a legend."
"I've heard they can amplify your reservoir so much that you can make whole continents explode without even feeling tired."
I waited for Nathan to make some snide remark but even he seemed awestruck. Which probably meant that he was just thinking of something /really/ cruel to say. I still didn't get was so awesome though. I mean, /gloves/? Really? /And what did they mean by your reservoir./ I wondered. /Magic. They mean magic. Reservoir of magic./
We trained. And trained. And trained. And trained some more. Then we had a bit more training. And then we trained again. By the time time we went to sleep, the sound of guns, arrows and blades rang in my ears. There was one thing I didn't get though. And when I don't know something, I want the answer.
"Zen?"
/Pop./ "Yes?" came the response.
"Why are they training us? It's like they want us to escape."
"Escape? Not possible. Your best hope is to die soon. Most people would go crazy waiting for something. Only nothing never happens. Yes, your best hope is to die young. Much better than spending fifty, sixty years here. Because you would meet my boss by then."
"Could your boss help?"
"Help?" Zen chuckled "Yes, he could. But his /help/ is what got you here. So your question should be would he help. And no, he wouldn't. Pray for your sake and for mine that he won't. No help is better than his. And with no help, you can never escape. If you try, only then you receive his help. And his help will condemn you to a fate worse than death. Believe me, I know. I received it."

chapter 2-oh great, now I'm a zoo animal!

/Well,/ I thought / there goes my happy thought for the day./
"Zen," I asked, my voice trembling "what did he do to you?"
"He took my soul. He trapped it in this body."
"Why? how? What-what did you /do/?"
"That's a story for another day. Sweet dreams. I must go. My boss awaits."
/Sweet dreams?!/ I wanted to yell /How can I have/ sweet dreams/ when you tell me/ this? /Really? I mean- you think I'm gonna have sweet dreams?/ But as much as I hated to admit it, he was right. Not the sweet dreams bit. But after a long day of training, i /was/ tired. So i drifted into a dreamless sleep.

The next day in the breakfast hall, there were only five of us. Everyone from Heriv was gone-everyone except Nathan. Just as I began to eat my breakfast, our coach from yesterday walked in.
“Is everyone ready for some team building activities?” he chuckled. He was waaay too happy for the morning. I knew people just like him; optimistic about everything and anything. Sadly, I was not one of them. I sincerely wish I was, it would have been useful at times. But I digress.

“Team building?” asked the girl from Eerot “Why do we need to do /teambuilding/ activities? Aren’t we going to do some more weapon training?"
"It's important to know your friends Eleanor." our teacher responded.
"Okay, first how on Eerot do you know my name? Second, how long have you been stalking me for? Third, whom else have you been stalking? Fourth, how do you know we're all going to get along. For all you know we'll be at each other's throats in a matter of minutes." retorted Eleanoar.
"Now, there's no need to jump to conclusions. Anyway-"
"Technically, you're both jumping to conclusions. And-" I added
"/Anyway/, as I was saying-" tried the teacher again.
"And as /I/ was saying, I'm with Eleanor on this one," I interrupted glaring at the teacher and then at Nathan "I don't think we're all gonna get along. Not necessarily."
"Well-"
"Can you all be quiet? Please?" quipped in a voice, a boy's this time."If we're going to do- if we're going to do team building activities, can we actually -oh I don't know? Do them? Like, sometime today? Please?"
"i-"
"/now?/"he added.
"thank you Jonathon." the boy looked slightly creeped out that our teacher knew his name. "now, how about we go to the hall and start?"
"the hall?" I asked "let me guess, now is when a door appears out of nowhere? like, honestly though, what is with this place and a door just /appearing/? it's really weird."
everyone looked at me like i was crazy. apart from snowball. thanks snowball!
"oh right, you're coral, correct?" our teacher asked

so?what does everyone else think?

Deleted user

I think it was good, but it was also kind of confusing.

@Bianca di Angelo

I think it was good, but it was also kind of confusing.

confusing because? I'm sorry if that comes across rude, I just want to get what you mean

Deleted user

I think it was good, but it was also kind of confusing.

confusing because? I'm sorry if that comes across rude, I just want to get what you mean

I just think that I was kind of hard to follow.

Deleted user

That and well I just didn't understand what was happening in the story quite well enough.

Deleted user

Question: For my story, I'm going to have this water village thats made out of wood and have the water act as putty. At the same time, I want them to have advanced technology, but I dont know how to set that in motion? Any tips?

Deleted user

Wait wait the structures are wood but are held together by water? How would that work?

No, I mean the water will act like land you can travel on, but you know how theres Vibranium. Maybe coral can act like that?