Metric
I'm not doing well. Mentally, I mean.
There's a lot of things about myself that I haven't shared in the short time I've been here, and things I'd rather not share about myself online ever.
What I will share, however, is that I suffer from anxiety. I've always had it, but it was never debilitating until about four years ago. And in these past few days, it's really spiked. My anxiety triggers my self-deprecating thoughts and low self-esteem, and my self-deprecating thoughts and low self-esteem trigger my depression. This makes even small tasks like driving incredibly nerve-wracking for me, to the point of asking others to drive me places because I'm afraid I'll mess up. That's when I actually leave my house, of course. I barely have the energy to get out of bed in the mornings, and I've begun to neglect my priorities. I'm just hurting myself, mentally, but it feels impossible to do anything else.
Of course, I've been struggling with these things for seemingly forever now. I'm not looking for advice, necessarily. I know there are things that can help me, like eating a better diet, exercising, trying new things and getting out of the house, talking to people—but the root problem is so much deeper, and I can't afford the therapy to address it. I have an amazing support system of friends, and I'm on really good terms with my family, but there's no one there qualified enough to help me talk through my issues. No one willing to listen to me without bias or without suggesting things I'm not able to accomplish.
Without any energy to do anything, I've let my hobbies (guitar, drawing, writing, reading, sign language) suffer. The callouses I gained from playing guitar have long since peeled away, I haven't drawn anything good recently, my writing lacks depth and revision, I only read to escape, and I've forgotten so many signs that it's hard to hold a proper conversation with my teacher.
My room is a mess, I'm listening to sad music and crying when I hope no one is watching, I can't focus on the things society says I need to know, and I have no idea what I want to do with my life.
And if we really want to get into the nitty-gritty of my life, the person I've fallen for probably couldn't care less about my feeling for them. They ignore my texts, fail to show up when it's most important, ask me if I want to hang out, then never confirm my attempts to establish a place and time. And yet, as soon as I convince myself 'Hey, I'm done. I'm not going to like this person anymore. I'm going to keep my space,' they start approaching me all over again. They tell me "Happy Valentine's Day" and give me a hug, then flirt with others the next time I see them. They call out my anxious behavior and do very little to help with it. And I know they're hurting, too, but damn it, I have feelings. I wish they would just tell me to leave them alone because at least then I could crush my hopes of being anything more to them.
On top of everything, I have to make a life-changing decision in the next three months. One choice means being looked-down upon, and the other means putting myself through even more mental anguish, at least for the next several years. I lean towards the former, but everyone I've spoken to claims I should go with the latter or risk ruining my life. I don't want to waste my time doing something I don't want to do, though, because I have no clue how long I'll live. I don't want to die not having accomplished anything.
So everything at the moment is crashing into me, and I honestly just want to cry in bed all day. I'm stuck between wanting to go home whenever I'm not, and never wanting to be home. I don't feel like I belong in many places in the physical world. There's my friends and family, but they can't always be there for me.
So if I'm bipolar with activity on this site, or respond to some discussions over others, it's because the ones I'm replying to take next to no energy whereas others seem too draining.
