forum Will Critique Characters and Scenes!
Started by @WriteOutofTime
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@calellory

here's a scene, if you don't mind!!

Bentley Dariusson Aziso was quite miffed, to put it frankly. Anyone would be, in his shoes. And he was the least angry about the situation. His father was beyond steaming with rage and his mother had shut herself in her guest room and was refusing to see anyone. The King and Queen of Larevalise were deeply, deeply apologetic, but they stuck to their statement: “If Princess Gianna Georgianna Gabriella Grace didn’t want to marry your son, nobody should make her. Forced marriages never end well.” Also, they had absolutely no idea where the princess in question was. She had snuck out in the middle of the night, leaving no note or anything behind her and only telling one of her younger sisters what she had done. Although the sister in question hadn’t told anybody. Princess Tatiana Therese Tabitha Talis Thea was a lot of things, but she could keep her mouth shut. Nobody had thought to ask her or the littles, though, anyway. The brother just above Bentley's fiancee had been questioned extensively, but since he had broken his engagement the proper way two years before, his word was trusted.

To be honest, Bentley was more relieved than he was miffed. He couldn’t imagine marrying into the royal family, let alone marrying a girl at all. He would much prefer to be a tailor or something in some city somewhere and live out his days in peace, without the political mind games and stress. He wanted to get away from his father’s expectations. He didn’t want to be a diplomat, or to be pushed off on the next oldest sister when she came of age. That was what his father was pushing for. The King and Queen had been a little shocked when the idea was brought up; especially since Tessie was only fourteen then, and Bentley was nearly twenty. They proposed Prince Byron Benjamin Branson, who was also single and only a year older than Bentley, but Bentley’s father had just about gone off the wall. He was one of a very… well, a very interesting order of Senterians. One mostly made up of the wealthy and bigoted who believed everyone should be like them no matter what, or, if you couldn’t, it was better to not exist at all. And Bentley marrying a prince would be unspeakable.

He wouldn’t have minded, though. He had run across Prince Bran a few times while staying in the castle, and he had seemed pretty nice. And he was funny, too, if not always in the best of taste. Bentley’s father couldn’t stand him.

It didn’t matter anyway. Bentley was already outside. Out of the castle, out of the politics, and out of the family. He had a bindle with a good amount of money, a little bit of food and some sewing supplies he had “borrowed” from the laundry maid. He had no intention of giving them back, but he had left a couple gold platelains among the clothes he sent down just before he left. Hopefully she had the sense to keep them.

@WriteOutofTime

Could you critique a short story (as in like seven paragraphs) that I wrote?

How long is it? My critique word limit is about 3,000 words.

@CWTurtleOfFreedom

She stormed into the quaint shop and stalked up to the counter, bypassing the line. Slamming twenty dollars down on the counter, she said furiously, “How do I passive-aggressively say ‘fu*k you’ in flowers?”
The florist, a tall and somewhat muscular man, turned to her and said, “There is a line, you know.”
She just glared.
The florist sighed. “Fine. Excuse me,” he said to the man he’d been helping. Turning back to her, he said, “Well, a bouquet with geraniums-” he laid one on the counter “-foxglove-” added one “-meadowsweet-” the pile was growing quite large “-yellow carnations, I like these-” he added seven “-and orange lilies.” He added ten to the bunch. “Stupidity, insincerity, uselessness, disappointment, and hatred, respectively.”
“Yes. Thank you,” she said, sweeping the bouquet into her arms. “Is twenty enough?”
“Plenty,” the florist said.
“No, it isn’t. I can tell by the look on your face.” She fished another twenty out of her pocket, placed it on the table, and left the shop without another word, the bell on the door twinkling merrily behind her.

@WriteOutofTime

@Rory Sure! Here we go:

So, clearly, you're relying quite heavily on cliches in your story. However, you shouldn't rely too heavily. The first thing I notice about your character is all those nicknames? If I were you, I'd stick with one stereotypical rich girl nickname. Does she have to be called both Queen Bee and Devil Girl? Do people call her this sincerely or with mockery? Does she like to be called the Red Queen?

Moving on to the looks section. Again, quite stereotypical. I'm not familiar with "mainstream typical teenage girl hairstyles". Is it long or short? Straight or curly? Does she wear it up, or loose? Also, her body type genuinely made me cringe. Typical "skinny b-tch"? Maybe describe that a little more without insulting skinny people, lol. Especially considering the "skinny b-tch" trope is slowly being replaced with "slim thick" (boobs, no waist, hips/butt). Unless this has something to do with her eating disorder –in which case, other aspects of her appearance would suffer. Eating disorders cause brittle nails, thinning hair, etc. Keep that in mind when creating her body type.

Moving on to the nature section. Her mannerisms are okay, but what does she do to prevent herself from crying? Does she blink rapidly, or maybe she clenches her fists and reacts with anger instead? Does she have any nervous mannerisms, any mannerisms she isn't quite aware of? The mannerisms you listed are stereotypical of the fictional popular girl, which means, presumably, she does them on purpose. Her motivation is okay. It's consistent with the rest of her character. As for her flaws, again, consistent with her character, but I feel like there's more to her. What it seems like is that she's b-tchy on the outside, but depressed on the inside. I feel like the line between b-tchy and soft should be blurred a bit more. Maybe state that she really does love being in control, and even though she uses it negatively now, has amazing leadership skills and is able to charm her way into anything. Her prejudice is rather boring. If it's truly a facade, then shouldn't she only dislike people who question her authority? Who make her feel insecure? Lastly, her personality type. Is the entire book/story this reliant on cliches? Not that this is a bad thing, I just want to know if it's consistent. Because the fact that her parents spoiled her and neglected her sounds like literally the origin story of every popular girl in fiction ever.

Alright, social section. Her religion is interesting. Can you explain that a little more? She doesn't follow a religion because it's not cool too? So is she an atheist, or agnostic, or does she really just ignore it? Same with politics. Does she care at all about politics? Is she only pretending to be a conservative for effect? Does she actively follow political matters and pretend to choose a side, or does she shun the entire thing entirely? Her occupation is a bit confusing because I'm not familiar with your story/plot. How does she become a licensed bounty hunter at the age of 17? Does she like doing it? How does that play into her personality/upbringing/everything? Is she skilled at her job? Does it interfere with school?

The history section looks fine. Her history is a bit vague, but not terribly so. Expound upon her relationship with her parents. Did she ever have someone to confide in –a best friend, a real boyfriend, even a pet? What made people flock to her so well? How did she rise to power? Why didn't it work at the Academy? How badly did she react to losing her power over others? Was it a hard pill to swallow, or did she like the fresh start? How did she start learning to make real friends? What's her personality like now, since she's not the ice queen anymore?

Overall, she has some potential! Good luck.

@WriteOutofTime

@calellory Here you go:

First of all, I LOVE the tone you've established in your writing. It's quite humorous and I smiled a few times while reading it. Especially the bit about Bentley and Byron. Now, on to the critique….

First paragraph. The very first sentence is a bit of a cliche way to open a story. Starting out with someone's full name, unless it has some sort of purpose, is kind of dodgy. Especially since you're starting out with narration. Moving on, this sentence here: Although the sister in question hadn’t told anybody. Needs a comma. So it becomes: Although, the sister in question hadn't told anybody. Just a nitpick, but thought I'd mention it. One last thing. This sentence: Nobody had thought to ask her or the littles, though, anyway. Though and anyway don't both need to be there. Choose one or the other.

Paragraphs 2 and 3. No complaints here! Although, I am confused about one thing: Is the prince named Byron or Bran?

Final paragraph seems fine too. A note on your writing overall: You say "though" and "anyway" fairly often. Maybe cut back on that. There's no reason to include either of those words typically –they're kind of just filler words, serving no purpose beyond fluffing up the paragraph a bit. You use a few other filler words, too. Look over your writing. Identify all adverbs, adjectives, thoughs, althoughs, and anyways. See if you can get rid of them without messing anything up. Chances are, your writing will flow better without those extraneous words.

Other than that, I seriously had a good time reading this! You've got a distinctive style that I enjoyed. Good luck.

@WriteOutofTime

@TurtleOfFreedom First off: "How do I passive-aggressively say f*ck you in flowers?" Made me chuckle. Very good sentence. In fact, I think if you started off with that sentence, and then wrote the action to accompany it, you'd be better off. It's quite an eye catching first sentence.

Anyway. You use a lot of adverbs and adjectives. In the first paragraph, when you say "she said furiously" it's a redundant because we, the readers, can tell that she's furious from her actions. You don't need to explicitly tell us. The florist's description is extraneous too, since you didn't tell us anything about his reactions. Maybe tell us his expression and his posture and then naturally introduce his appearance into that description? Lastly, I don't understand the final statement. Was the florist just going to give her the flowers half off? How did she know that they were more? What was his expression when he said it was plenty? Leave some things to the reader's imagination, but not everything!

Otherwise, a charming short scene. Your writing style is cute and distinctive, and I like that you use simple dialogue tags instead of flowery (no pun intended) ones. Good luck.

@WriteOutofTime

He glanced at her for a long moment, glanced down at the money on the counter, and then glanced at her again. "Eh…plenty," he said with a wry grin.

@CWTurtleOfFreedom

Wait I think i got it:

“How do I passively-aggressively say ‘fu*k you’ in flowers?” she said, storming into the quaint shop, bypassing the line, and slamming twenty dollars down on the counter.
The florist, straightening and looking vaguely annoyed, turned to her and said, “There is a line, you know.”
She just glared.
The florist sighed and neutralized his expression. “Fine. Excuse me,” he said to the man he’d been helping. Turning back to her, he said, “Well, a bouquet with geraniums-” he laid one on the counter “-foxglove-” added one “-meadowsweet-” the pile was growing quite large “-yellow carnations, I like these-” he added seven “-and orange lilies.” He added ten to the bunch. “Stupidity, insincerity, uselessness, disappointment, and hatred, respectively.”
“Yes. Thank you,” she said, sweeping the bouquet into her arms. “Is twenty enough?”
“Plenty,” the florist said, his tone clearly conveying that it wasn’t.
“No, it isn’t. I can tell by the look on your face.” She fished another twenty out of her pocket, placed it on the table, and left the shop without another word, the bell on the door twinkling merrily behind her.

@WriteOutofTime

Tone is like, tone of voice. Which works just fine. However, it's really showing and not telling. You haven't described his voice/expression at all, you simply stated it.