Let's talk about Lucky. Good ol' Luke Stacey.
Me: Ok, so you're the weary, exasperated inventor who everyone looks to for advice and—
Lucky: Nothing in life matters.
Me: What
Lucky: I want to commit a felony. Let me kill that man.
Me: Why do you want to do that
Lucky: Because I'm sexy and above the law
Me: No you're not
Lucky: What do you mean. I have beautiful blond hair and rich brown eyes. I'm so sexy.
Me: Your hair is black and your eyes are green
Lucky: Not anymore. I'm a sexy disaster pulled straight from the '80s.
Me: What happened
Lucky: Shut up.
Me: Ok
Also
Me: You're the viewpoint protagonist with limited characterization so that the focal protagonist can really shine, ok
Kesley: Can I be a witch?
Me: Sure…
Kesley: Can I be arrested for illegal use of witchcraft and introduced to the focal protagonist in that way instead of just being caught up in the crossfire of his actions?
Me: Uh, I guess…
Kesley: Can I eventually gain characterization by being subjected to a variety of bad influences until I get to the point where I become even more morally irreprehensible than those who influenced me in the first place?
Me: Sure… Wait what
Kesley: And then the character who molded me into the bad person I end up being by the end of the story kills me, not because of the terrible person I've become, but because he's just as terrible and selfish as he's made me?
Me: What are you talking about
And Finally
Me: So, you're the manipulative antagonist who seduces one of the main characters and tries convincing her to kill—
Azi: Can I be her friend?
Me: What
Azi: I wanna be her friend. And also all of her other friend's friend.
Me: Ok then who's the antagonist
Azi: Me still!
Me: It's impossible to be the protagonist's friend and the antagonist at the same time… As long as we pretend David doesn't exist
Azi: Then redeem me!
Me: They're not gonna forgive you for trying to kill them
Azi: Pleaseeeee
Me: Whatever we'll try it
Me, when the other characters end up (reluctantly) forgiving Azi: [Surprised Pikachu face]
This wasn’t really getting back at me, but it stopped me a little with character development for a planned straighty
Me: so Arinya you are going to be in love with….
Arinya: I’m ace
Me: ok you can still be with…
Arinya: I’m aro. I don't have time for that.
Me: ok…ummm, can we make a deal?
Arinya: no. You're wasting my time.
Me: Okay, so Sadon, you let the evil king go, right? And he runs off, never to be seen again, and you and Destrian get married, Peter stays as Destrian's right-hand man, and everyone is happy!
Evil King: Lmao, I'm back
Me: Wait no, you're gone.
Evil King: Nah, I'm back. Like right now. Like night of the wedding.
Me: Oh…ok. So yeah, like a reconciliation "I'm sorry for what I did" type beat, we can work with that-
Evil King: Haha I stabbed Peter
Me: …w h a t
Peter: Yeah he stabbed me lmao I'm dead now.
Me: nO WAIT-
Destrian: Yeah now I'm mourning my best friend's death on the night I'm supposed to get married
Me: …
Destrian: And now I'm blaming it on Sadon because he didn't kill the evil king like he was supposed to and I sent him away so now we arent getting married lol ¯_(ツ)_/¯
Me: THAT'S NOT HOW IT GOES
Aryn, the only competent character, watching all this happen: …what if I died too?
Me: NO-
Me: Alright, Rossi. You’re a tired.. like, mid thirties guy who just really wants to sleep. You can’t be bothered with other people’s shenanigans and would kill them if they meddled in your business.
Rossi: Sounds right. But— if I may interject— what if I was, instead, a very elegant and egotistic early 20’s man who is just a knockoff of Rohan from jjba?
Me: uhhh… copyright? And that’s horribly unoriginal. You can be mid-20’s, how’s that? I still want you to have a rock-hard personality though. You’re dark and just want peace and quiet.
Rossi: Yeah, I’ve been thinking about that. What if— riddle me this— what if I was a psychopath? And a heartless slimy bastard? Like… what if your audience hated me.
Me: Rossi. You are my protagonist.
Rossi: everyone has their flaws, author.
Me: Ok then keep talking. What does psychopath entail?
Rossi: Well you’re gonna have a character that’s in love with me and I’m gonna toy with them the entire time and ultimately break their heart, you’re welcome. Also I’ll kill people for fun. Sport. Why not. I’ll be a masochist, too. And you can fit sociopath in there too, right? Sound good?
Me: Rossi listen. You were supposed to be a tired old depressed grizzled jaded dad. Where the hell did this come from?
Rossi: If you say yes, I’ll let you draw me in ridiculous outfits.
Me, already shaking his hand: God damnit
