forum open critiques!
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@Hac_KinG

Hey! if you are still doing this, i was hoping to get some critiquing on Ramule. hes my favorite OC and i want to make sure he's well rounded and not a mary sue.

Thanks!

@badwriter

if you have time, here's a fellow I thought up for a short story for class. it's not super serious, but feel free to express an opinion (or none, there might not be enough information to go off of bc he's pretty much still a one dimensional asshole)

Deleted user

@Hac_KinG
physical: i'd say his weight might be inaccurate but i have no idea what his body type is supposed to be lol, it says he's muscular but muscle is less heavy than fat tissue is so (shrug)
everything else is good tho! i overall rlly likehis design and his clothing could def be used to accentuate all his features :) is his hair dyed? thts my only question
mannerisms/personal: what does he do when he's nervous? sad? he talks with his hands but does he fidget when he's embarrassed? you say he's over-confident but also that he hates himself? i'd take another look at that or explain a little bc it looks like those 2 clash a lil. also major depression and anxiety PLUS the fact that he's an optimist doens't rlly work in action. his personality is rlly thought out and well-rounded other than a few clashing traits
faves/relationships: just the size of the broadsword stuck out to me. does he have any special abilities to wield it? if not, maybe tone down the size a little. he might be able to hold it, but swinging it with control and moving around might be more difficult. also i love that his favorite animal is a bear somehow that makes a lot of sense lol
history: was it a genetic defect that he's the only human in a vampire gene pool? is he the result of an affair with a human? somehow this doesn't make sense to me but idk what the story's general lore is.
i think these are pretty small things but i LOVE HIM and he's def not a mary-sue at all :)

Deleted user

@badwriter
he's good! if he's not that important i see no need to flesh him out more, you've got a good amount of info on him
i only have a few things to ask/say
is he religious? he was raised catholic but does he still practice/believe?
he's a pretty simple guy so unless that was your intent, go ahead and spice him up a lil more!

Deleted user

oniyuri: (nova)
how long is her hair? how long are her bangs? what's her hair texture? is her hair color natural? it might not sound super important but they're good characteristics and can even help strengthen a personality
why were her friends killed? is she trying to find new ones for her own sake or for their safety?
what is she the goddess of and why is she an atheist if she's a deity lol
is her goddess thing hereditary and who did she get it from
why is she trying to make a name for herself if she was already queen? what did she do wrong?
her main personality traits are that she's shy and quiet. is she like that because of how sebastian treated her? i also think she could have a little more depth but that might come as you keep writing her!
i like her! she sounds really cute and i think she could really become a strong character :)

Deleted user

@jonethan
(CRACKER WHITE AAAA)
also i wouldn't say easily bruising skin is an id'ing mark unless she's constantly bruised somehow? idk
favorite animal: humans (p l e a s e explain)
how did all these people in her life die? is she greatly affected by it? why don't her kids like her wife? i think her personality might be able to gone into depth a bit more but other than that she's pretty strong imo
i dunno what else, it seems like you've really got her :)

@Hac_KinG

@sadgirl
THANK YOU! i knew something was missing, but i wasnt too sure what. ill have to elaborate as to the deets on 'em. thank you again!!!

EDIT
I updated it, i didnt know how to explain that no one knows why he was born human, so i had put in there that his brother called him a "genetic misfire"…cause his brother is kind of a dick.

Deleted user

kat
andrea: cool superhero name!! i was considerin namin one of my characters that too :0
she's gonna weigh more than 130 lbs at her height. i'm almost 5'11" and i weigh about 150 and i'm pretty thin
how are her eyes concealed as halcyon?
her prejudices aren't really… prejudices? they're villains/heroes for a reason. maybe you could take this to another level with her blindly trusting heroes or smth?? idk just a thought
she's busy but the stress doesn't seem to take much of a toll on her other than her social life
you don't have to change this at all but i think varying halcyon's color scheme could help a little. halcyon means happy or golden, so maybe incorporating more golds and bright colors (like the halcyon bird) would make her a little more fitting to her name? unless she fights at night, in which case totally go with what ur doin w the dark colors
i like her! mb just add a little more conflict n you'll be all set
ethan: cutie!
why does he like halcyon? they're basically opposites, but is that why he's attracted to her? does he just like halcyon or does he like andrea too
maybe playing off the hates being lonely thing would give him more depth. maybe he'll always want to be around people?
luke: he and ethan have the /exact/ same dimensions so maybe switch that up.
what does uncovered mean in the hair part?
he's vulnerable, so it makes sense that he'd cover that up with his rough exterior. is there anyone he opens up to? if not, maybe play off that vulnerability a little more
in reality the police officer wouldn't turn him away but if this universe has a corrupt government or smth maybe tht would make more sense.
imo he's overpowered. i get that he's supposed to be a villain but if he can make 40 whole clones and eavesdrop with them, and the only negative thing is that he receives their pain, he still technically has 40 lives if the clones are all killed.
jack of all trades is a little much, he can't really be good at everything. try focusing his interest on a certain activity.get him a hobby lol
i can't see a lot of flaws on him. also i see that he's andrea's love interest so what's their deal? does he like her? why? does she like him n why
i think you can make him a good character, just he prob needs the most work done imo

@CreativeChill

This is my MC, and I'm kinda worried that he might be a Gary Stu. He doesn't seem like one to me, but I just really want someone else's opinion. XD Also, the Background section has the basic idea of the story he's in, just for more context. Now that I look back, I might have tried a bit too hard to make him original…Plus the plot is kinda cliche.

Deleted user

@writelikeyourerunningoutoftime
i rlly like him omg
there's not much i can critique on bc he's already rlly good but ill come up with a few things

  • there's gotta be something that makes him recognizable. i always imagine a witness lineup like in a crime show to figure out identifying marks. what would make him stick out from an array of people that usually would look a lot like him? if there's nothin dont bother with it obv lol
  • his mannerisms are rlly good. makes him seem real
    he's perfect n i don't think i could do anything to make him any better :9

Deleted user

barabara
SHES SO RIPPED IM IN LOVE
is she a soldier or higher rank? and what universe is she in? does she exist in a reality where earth exists? if so, is she in an army with humans? if that's true, how do they treat her? those are just my personal questions bc i wanna know more abt her and her universe lol
her talents are the only thing that puts me off. why would she be good at cooking if she's not interested in it? you'd think someone wouldn't practice or put effort into something they don't enjoy. same goes with the violin. why does she play it, and so well at that. you say violin is 'emotionally draining' but it's also on of her hobbies? is it draining because of her memory of her mother? idk it just confuses me :/
how is she easily manipulated if she's so stubborn and strong-willed
you've put so much work into her and i can really tell! she's very well-characterized :)

Deleted user

amstance writes
i'm really confused generally abt what her deal is lol but i'll do my best
how is she a janitor if she's 13?
by short and wild do you mean a bob or a pixie cut?
she's human, but what's her race?
also 'flat' isn't really a body type? is she petite?
the things you have in mannerisms aren't really mannerisms. what does she do when she's nervous? does she bit her nails? does she mess with her hair? what does she do when she's doing something dull, like standing in a line?
when you say she's smart, is she smart in academics or is she good at logical things, like solving puzzles or coming up with solutions to things?
what's the source of her anger? you bring up relying on her friends a lot, is she social/extroverted and happy when talking to people, or is she dependent and can't do much on her own? also 'rude' and 'loud' come up a lot, so do her friends put up with how mean she is?
religion would prob be 'atheist' or 'agnostic' instead of 'none'. she's gotta have some kind of political opinion as well.
why does she have a scythe????? she's a janitor? and 13? there's one line of backstory but it's just about her having detachment issues. what's up with her parents? where are they? did they treat her badly and that's why she's angry and afraid of being alone? someone with detachment issues would likely not mind being alone, so why is she so desperate for human interaction
'super smart' isn't a grade level lol, is she in school? does she eventually go to highschool or college?
i went ahead and looked at her mom to see if there was any more, and i saw that her mom is only 35, meaning she had aster at 22. is there a reason she was young when she had the kid?
im generally pretty lost, but you've got a start and i think she could become a pretty cool character