Hey there! If you're not too swamped with requests, I have a character where I no longer have any idea what's going on. She just keeps growing as I think of more things to add and I'm not sure if she's cohesive at all anymore.
Her page is a metric crapton of random bits of plot and worldbuilding at this point, so I'm not sure if she'll make a lot of sense. But yeah. If you have time, I'd be interested to see your take on her.
Hi everyone! I will get to your characters soon. :) I was planning to look at some this weekend but it seemed like every time I had a free chunk of time the website was down.
@"Uh.Yeah.I.Sure.HOPE.It.Does!" - Hi! In my introduction post I specified that I prefer to give feedback on one character at a time, so I'll do Ezra (seeing as he's your main character) and if you like my feedback style, you can submit Daisy again, and I'll get to it after the others in the queue. Here goes!
Ezra Kanean
Names: I feel like there's a story behind Daisy calling him Flower Boy. That could be a cool snippet to include in his page.
Mannerisms: Part of this is all about how Ezra shows these emotions blatantly, so it would be great to go into detail on that. (For example, someone could display anger by shouting and slamming doors and someone else could display it by refusing to talk to anyone and they'd both be obviously angry in different ways.) Also, caring for plants and playing flute are things Ezra can only do in certain situations (he isn't always in his garden or carrying his flute), so how does he show stress and relaxation in general?
Motivations: Not a motivation. Your main character needs a motivation that's going to help push the story forward. This is a great article about giving your characters strong, story-worthy motivations if you need some inspiration - motivations can be anything from trying to stay alive to guilt or a need for friendship.
Flaws: Ezra's your main character, and you want to give him plenty of opportunity to develop throughout the story. Sensitivity is a good start for a flaw, but go deeper. How is it a disadvantage for him? What other weaknesses does he have, and how do they cause problems for him?
Prejudice: This sounds like more of a secret fear than a prejudice. Prejudices are preconceived opinions that are not based on reason or actual experience, they're usually incorrect, and they influence the way we behave. How does this belief of Ezra's influence his actions? Does he think girls are shallow? Does he look up to guys that are more macho? Does he try to act less flute-and-gardeny around girls?
Don't be afraid to give him some more wrong opinions. And I don't necessarily mean surface-level ones like "people who like pineapple on pizza are demented", I mean ones that are going to affect his interactions with others in your story.
Hobbies: What do you mean by romance? If he thinks he'll be alone forever, how is romance one of his hobbies?
Personality type: It would be good if you could reevaluate how he understands girls extremely well if he is always nervous when talking to them and thinks that no girl will ever love him. It sounds like he's a bit closed-minded about girls, and that's no help when it comes to understanding someone. Just because someone has a sister they're close to does not necessarily mean they'll be great at relating to girls - although having a sister can certainly help.
Politics: Elaborate on idealistic. How does he think the world should be run?
Weapon: Whoa, where did boxing come from?? Does he know how to box?
I personally think that if a field does not relate to your story or character at all, then it's okay to leave it blank. If your story is going to be a modern-setting, romance type, Ezra doesn't have to have a 'favourite weapon'. It would be more helpful to work out what his go-to strategy is in situations of conflict - for example, if someone was a bully, how would he react? Punch them, cut them down with words, run away, try to smooth everything over, ignore it, etc.?
Education: What did he study? Does he have a degree in a particular field? Is it related to his current field of work, and if not, does he want to pursue work in the field he studied for?
Backstory: This and personality are some of the most important things to develop about your character, so I encourage you to give this a lot of thought and then fill it in! What are the significant moments about Ezra's life so far? What are the defining things in his past that have helped to shape him into the person he is now? Who are the important people in his life, and what are his relationships with them like? This is all stuff that can help Ezra really come to life for you (and your readers).
Ezra's off to a great start, but I think he needs a bit more work before he's ready to star in your story. He needs a strong motivation and a bit more depth, including flaws. I don't know if your story is going to be a romance, but at the moment Ezra reads a teensy bit like your typical overdone romance-novel perfect hero: shy around girls, really sensitive, kind and understanding, loves flowers and romance, etc. I'm sure there's more to him than that - you just need to bring it out in him.
@Natalia - Here's yours, sorry to keep you waiting!
Emery
Hair: Elaborate on what you mean by 'kind of rigid'. Are you talking about hairspray? Is her hair actually hair, or is she growing something else out of her head that looks like hair but isn't quite the same?
Race: Okay, so she's a half-orc. How does that affect her besides having green skin and hair? For example, if your orcs are the typical fantasy type (tough, green skin; animal-like fangs/tusks; larger, stronger and more aggressive than humans), and not just green-skinned humans, then being half-orc should have more of an impact on her looks than just colouration. I notice she's a little shorter and lighter than the average 13-year-old, whereas I would expect someone who's half-orc to be a bit taller and more heavily-built.
Motivations: Elaborate on this. How is she motivated by her family and community?
Flaws: Neither of these are flaws, really. What are her personality weaknesses? You want to give her plenty of space to develop as a character, and if she has no flaws to begin with, you give her very little room to grow.
Prejudices: These should be opinions she has without experience or reason, but she definitely has experience for the thing with her parents! Maybe broaden it a little - say she has a distrust of authority figures, perhaps, because her parents abused theirs and she assumes that anyone else in a position of authority will abuse their power too.
Talents: Expand on this - giving her more than one thing she's good at will help to round her out as a character.
Hobbies: I'm not sure what you mean here, sorry. If this hobby is unique to your story, describing it a little could help.
Personality type: This is one of the fields that you really want to give a lot of thought to. Here are some questions to help you work out what makes Emery tick:
Is she more introverted or extraverted?
How does she make decisions: quickly, after much deliberation, based on feelings, based on logic, based on whatever someone else says, etc.?
What's her default 'mood' and how does she express it? How easily does she change mood and how strongly does she show her emotions?
Does she forgive easily or hold grudges?
What's her attitude toward structure (rules, planning, etc.) and change (sudden changes, unpredictable people, needing to be flexible)?
Mannerisms: I noticed that you haven't included any of these, but this field can be really helpful in working out the little things Emery does which will really make her come to life in your writing. This is the place to detail the habits/expressions that Emery has in different moods and situations - maybe she bites the inside of her cheek when she's nervous or goes for a high-five when meeting people rather than shaking hands.
Politics: What does democratic mean for a society that includes multiple races (orcs, humans, etc.)? Don't just give Emery a label - work out what her opinions are and what she thinks should be changed about the way the world around her is run.
Backstory: More information please! :) Reading Emery's profile left me with many questions I assumed would be addressed in her backstory, but it's very barebones right now. Where did she grow up? What is her relationship with her sister like? How did her parents treat them, and which one of them is an orc? How does the society around them view human+orc couples and their mixed-race offspring? When she ran away, did she bring her sister with her? What is she doing now?
Overall you've got a great start to Emery, but she seems a little one-sided, with many traits being based around her sister having been abused and Emery wanting to protect her. This is fine to include in her character, but she was still a person before her sister was hurt, so not everything can stem from that. I'm sure that as you work on developing her personality and backstory she'll become more well-rounded and the different elements of her page will link together more clearly.
@MacaroniElephant - Here you go! Fantasy, whether low or high, is my jam, so I'm already keen to look at her. Also, when you say middle-grade, do you mean you're writing for a 9-13 year-old audience? I've looked at your character in light of that, so feel free to ignore those bits of feedback if you meant something completely different.
Hunter Sparks
Height: (the average height for 12 year old girls is about 150 cm or 5', in case you were interested)
Body type: I like the amount of thought and detail you've put into this - it's good to see that her features make sense in the context of her lifestyle and preferences.
Identifying marks: You say she has very few, but haven't mentioned those few! Identifying marks don't have to be either pretty or ugly - there could just be something that helps to tell her apart from other girls with similar body type and colouration to her, whether it's the vibrant green of her eyes or the shape of her nose. (I knew some identical twins that I could only tell apart by the freckle that one of them had above his left eyebrow.)
Mannerisms: (I hate to have to give you anything to 'improve' about this section since it's so well thought out and detailed and each part of Hunter fits together so nicely with the others, but) besides a few things in the Odds and Ends section, this would all fit really well under personality. Mannerisms are more like what you've got in Odds and Ends - pulling on her earlobe, the way she laughs - they're usually habitual actions and expressions when Hunter's in different moods or situations.
Motivations: These are awesome motivations for Hunter on one condition - you work out how they fit in with "she's never minded whether people like her or not". As someone who wants the people I love to be happy, and to love me back and be proud of me, I can tell you that I am a huge people pleaser, sometimes at the expense of my own happiness. I can't quite reconcile "she doesn't care what others might think of her opinions" with "she just wants her to love her as much as she loves them". I would recommend either keeping one or the other, or really digging into why Hunter has these contradictory elements in her personality.
Flaws: These fit perfectly with everything else you've established about Hunter so far. :)
Prejudices: It's pretty natural (and I wouldn't say it's wrong) to hate jerks that have treated you badly. However, prejudices are more about unfounded opinions. After having seen Hunter's profile, I would imagine some types of people she could be prejudiced against (if you need ideas) would be heavily-logical or stoic (since she's so attuned to her feelings and impulsive), neat-freaks, people who change who they are to please people (if you go the 'doesn't care what others think of her' route). Having a spontaneous, emotional personality, she might assume that those who do not express themselves the way she does are 'boring' or 'unfeeling'.
Speaking from my experience, children of Hunter's age tend to have strong opinions and make judgments quickly, and can be preoccupied with what others think of them, so Hunter having a few more prejudices would definitely make her feel more 'real'.
Personality type: Normally I think a writer needs to go more into depth than the dot points you have here, but you've developed Hunter extremely well under Mannerisms, so well done. :)
Education: Detail here, while not necessarily developing Hunter's personality, might help when it comes to writing the story, especially if the school setting comes into it at all. Who are her favourite teachers (and why), what subjects does she excel at/struggle in and what subjects does she enjoy/hate (remember that being good at something doesn't automatically mean she'll like it, but it is more likely)? What groups is she a part of? What is her attitude to homework? What does she learn at school that's different from your average western school? What does she not learn? (For example, Harry Potter learns how to take care of Hippogriffs but he doesn't learn multiplication.)
Background: I won't lie, after the incredible detail you went into with Hunter's personality I was looking forward to a killer backstory. Pretty please? :)
On a more practical note, this is where you can note the experiences and relationships Hunter has had which have shaped her into the person she is now. I find it's a great stepping-stone into developing the setting and supporting characters of my story.
Overall, I'd give Hunter a 9/10 in character development - there are a few things you can tweak, but her character really shines through here. What I'd recommend you work on primarily is the elements of setting in your story. Setting is really important in genres that depart from modern-day life like fantasy, because fantasy is woven in the realm of the imagination, and you want to give your readers something their imaginations can build on, to make not just the characters but the world around them come to life. To be honest, Hunter would fit just fine in a coming-of-age story set in modern-day US or Australia - I didn't really pick up anything fantastical on her page.
How is her world different from ours? I'm interested in reading more about that part of her. :) Also, I'm more than happy to help if you have questions about how to develop those fantastical elements which are so crucial to the genre.
@Riorlyne Thank you so much for doing this! Yes, by middle-grade I mean around 9-13, like you said, so what you've done is perfect! I've always loved children's fantasy, having grown up with it, and I'd love to create something that other kids can grow up with. With the whole Mannerisms section, thanks for pointing out that a lot of it's Personality related; that hadn't really come to my mind! I'll fiddle with it to figure out what I should put where so that it's easier for me in the future. I'll try and elaborate on Prejudices, and yep, there were a few contradictory things in Motivations, so I'll go ahead and fix that. I remember that after having written everything, I went through and thought about parts of my personality that I could compare to hers. So that's where the whole "doesn't care what people think" thing came from (that's nothing like me at all), and I completely forgot that I'd used the polar-opposite in there already! I did have an idea on how she would be going at school, but I wasn't exactly sure where I should put it, so I'm thankful that you pointed out the Education section. Thank you so much for the critique, I really appreciate it!
Hi @ninja_violinist ! I'd love to take a look at your character, so here goes!
Nikita Thanaskama
Names: Quick question - here in Australia Nikita is usually a girl's name, and you've mentioned that Nikita is currently posing as a guy, so is Nikita the name she's using for her male persona?
Also, I'm getting a clear Russian vibe from her aliases - is she of Russian origin, or are her aliases related to the language of the culture she's in?
Looks in general: This isn't so much a critique as it is morbid curiosity - how much does Nikita look like the inhabitants of Zemyal and that one country to the east? If she looks considerably different (e.g. has blue eyes while the natives all have brown), it will be harder for her to get away with multiple different aliases.
Looks (eldritch): Do you have an idea of what the end result would look like if Nikita kept dying to the point where she can’t get back to her body? If you’ve got a clear picture of that in mind, it might be easier to figure out the ‘offness’ about her looks and mannerisms.
Prejudices: Regarding the first one, does this imply that she holds others to the extreme standards she sets for herself?
Personality: I feel like her traits, flaws and fears all mesh very well together here. The only thing I’d add is that you could probably put her attitude toward her appearance and clothing (and the worldbuilding about Zemyalese standards of beauty) under a ‘Beauty Standards’ type of tab under looks, just to have things more organised.
Politics: Just curious - since this guy is a great human but a bad king, why is the the only option to have him killed? Is changing his mind about the way he rules or him voluntarily stepping down so that his son can rule an option at all?
Education: Again, no critique, just me being curious - does having been raised in the modern world give her an educational edge over any of the natives? (For example, we know about germs and sterilising wounds/surgical implements and have debunked a lot of weird superstitious habits people used to have, and although we’d probably die in a couple of days in a medieval-esque setting, there would be stuff we do know that might help in some situations.)
Backstory:
Okay, first things first: I love the concept that she can’t die properly due to not being from that world. Poor Death must be super-annoyed with her. XD And her involvement in all these different plots really fits with her must-be-active, driven personality - I can see how she wouldn’t want society to get stagnant, just like she doesn’t like stagnancy in herself.
Quick questions-in-the-middle: is the Queen she helped assassinate the King's wife and Shura's mother or someone else entirely? Do any of her friends know about her inability to die or her past aliases? If Nikita cannot confide in anyone around her, does she become good friends with Death instead?
I think that your biggest problem with Nikita’s page is the sheer amount of backstory she has. I’d recommend having most of that as your actual story, rather than backstory. What you have here could easily fit into a couple of books if you wanted to do it that way (Book 1/Part 1: On a ski trip she falls into this other world, eventually makes friends and kills the Queen. Reader thinks situation is solved. Book 2/Part 2: Situation is not better, it’s worse, she disguises herself as a man, earn’s King’s trust, kidnaps the kid, is informed of plot, wants in. Reader posts angry letters asking why the next instalment is not published yet. Book 3/Part 3: Whatever plot you have planned next which ties up loose ends). With this many aliases, worlds and plots in Nikita’s backstory, it could lead to problems with exposition when you start writing, because there’s just so much that the reader needs to know to understand where Nikita’s coming from. Complicated pre-story backstories are a lot easier to write for side characters.
I saw in your notes that you want to develop Nikita’s character arc and her relationships with other characters in the story, and I think starting quite early on could help with this.
Notes: Regarding the consequences of not being able to fully die, does Nikita still age normally? Because I can imagine it being quite horrible for her as she approaches 60-70ish when her body is starting to not work - if she has a heart attack, she’ll come back to life a few hours later with her heart just as weak as before. If she gets old enough, will she just constantly die despite her efforts until she’s the ghostlike entity you described?
Also, in a similar vein, what would happen if one of her limbs was cut off? Would she get her arm back when she ‘comes back’? What if she was beheaded or burnt at the stake? (Sorry to sound so morbid.)
All in all, Nikita is a really solid character and your plot is intriguing (if I read a blurb-version of the last two paragraphs of her backstory on the back cover of a book I would definitely want to read it)! I think developing some of your side characters could be helpful, as well as pinpointing where you want the story to begin. That way you can organise the information you have from there.
I hope this was somewhat helpful! Let me know if you want me to clarify anything or if there was something you hoped for feedback on that I missed.
Ahh thank you so much @Riorlyne ! This is really helpful and I think I'll just use the tips you gave for Daisy as well cause I think they will work there too. Thank you so much for taking time to give me such good feedback :)
Hi all! Sorry for the delay in getting back to you. I have taken a short break to focus on worldbuilding, but I’m back in business now. I’ll be taking a look at the latest characters here soon. :)
@barabara - Hello! Sorry for the delay in getting back to you. I've taken a look at Rie and you can find my feedback below. :)
Rie Katayama
Age: Do cycles correspond with human years? (To explain what I mean, if a day in your world is equivalent in length to an Earth day, Rie would be the equivalent of 28 Earth years old.) It could be helpful to indicate whether Rie's 19-cycles level of maturity would match the maturity of a 19-years character from Earth.
Hair: "Her hair collectively isn't too thick, but each individual strand of hair is thicker than average." You could say this more succinctly with "She has coarse hair that's quite thin." Generally with hair, thin/thick refers to all the hair collectively, and fine/coarse refers to individual strands of hair.
Body type: A bit nit-picky, but generally triangular refers to shoulders wider than hips, and pear-shaped refers to hips wider than shoulders (although I have seen triangular used for both types).
Identifying marks: With the war paint, are you saying that these are birthmarks?
In general, there are ways to convey some of this identifying information that are a lot shorter and a little easier to understand:
"her nose doesn't have much of a bridge" = flat
"it's nostrils are closer to her mouth than her eyes" = normal (if you look at average facial proportions, most noses have nostrils closer to the mouth than to the eyes). This probably doesn't need to be specified unless your races normally have very short noses right up next to their eyes.
Mannerisms: These seem well thought-out, and I think they would be easier to follow if you arranged them as a table instead of one long paragraph, i.e.,
Lying: brief eye contact before looking away
Deep in thought: taps left index finger, trails off mid-sentence
Motivations: This tells me what Rie is motivated to do, but not why she is motivated, i.e., what is motivating her. Is it wanting to know that she belongs? Getting revenge? Atoning for a mistake? Something else? Why does she want to figure out her bloodline?
Flaws: Please be more specific than "the need to end everything". What does this mean? I'm assuming it's not that she wants to kill every living thing she sees?
Lacking empathy is a believable flaw - good work. For a believable character, Rie will probably have a few more flaws. Having looked at her personality, some flaws you could consider might be stubbornness (sticking to a course of action even if will lead to problems), bottling up emotions (repeatedly suppressing genuine emotion is definitely not healthy), or lack of tact.
Personality: Rie feels very well fleshed out here. With a bit of attention to her flaws she'll have a clearer balance of traits. :)
Religion: People coming up with their own religion is fairly rare. It might be helpful to delineate the ways Rie's style of worship differs from the traditional Setsunian worship, and why it differs.
Background: Adding in paragraphing here will make it a lot easier for people looking at Rie's page to follow the narrative. I was a bit confused as to the order of events. If you reorganise the backstory so that it flows sequentially with appropriate paragraphs breaks, I think that issue would be easily solved.
Overall it's clear you've put a great deal of work into developing Rie and I think she's probably as refined as possible for this stage in your writing. Tweaking the sections to make them clearer and more succinct is really something that would benefit readers/critiquers of Rie's page more than yourself in your writing.
If you still want ways to develop Rie further, you could add a 'Relationships' field to the History or Family category and outline how Rie interacts with other key characters in her story, such as her mother, Eunoia, Aurelia, possibly any of the soldiers under her command. I get the impression that she's quite the lone wolf, and adding in information about these relationships could help to develop that side of her personality.
