Need Help With Anything? (Open)
Started October 21, 2020 by ☁ 𝙲𝚕𝚘𝚞𝚍𝚒

I have another story that's 10 pages so far. Can I post it here and can you give me some feedback?

Capri (Bean) Burch

My story so far is too much like another story that already exists. Got any tips to make it less like that other story and more like my own? Cliche is the word.

☁ 𝙲𝚕𝚘𝚞𝚍𝚒

I have another story that's 10 pages so far. Can I post it here and can you give me some feedback?

Of course!

☁ 𝙲𝚕𝚘𝚞𝚍𝚒

My story so far is too much like another story that already exists. Got any tips to make it less like that other story and more like my own? Cliche is the word.

What story do you think yours is too similar to? In what way? This would help a lot :)
If you don't feel comfortable saying it here, you can DM me

Tati

I have another story that's 10 pages so far. Can I post it here and can you give me some feedback?

Of course!

Here's chapter 1.
1
For most people, July 31st is an ordinary summer day. To Ally, it is not just her birthday. It is a reminder of who she is to herself, her family, and the world. Every year brings with it something new, often something terrible. That year, it brought a throbbing headache and indistinguishable voices that drowned out her thoughts.
That day was the first day in over two months that Ally dared to step foot in her old house. Her mother's house was never home to Ally, for it caused all the horrors of her past and all the trauma to her present. It housed the most unanimously hated and wanted woman in all of Southwater. As Ally reached the house, Samantha Cowiak wasn't the center of her pain because Ally needed her help. She knocked on the door. It took two minutes for her mother to answer the door; to Ally, it was an eternity.
Samantha Cowiak was the sort of woman who could be up from the crack of dawn and not show it. Therefore, when she opened the door, it was no surprise that she had been fully clothed, despite the time being Seven-thirty in the morning. Ally could have been looking at her twin, apart from the age difference. It was like a curse to Ally, to be always seen as someone other than herself; her mother was the most hated woman in the city, and Ally wore her face. Both had the same forest green eyes, Ally’s filled with hate and resentment, Samantha’s with an eerie, unsettling calm. Their hair was the same inky black. Ally’s grew long and Samantha’s short. Samantha wore a red tank top tucked into a pair of ripped blue jeans.
“Ally, what a pleasant surprise,” Samantha said, not surprised in the slightest. Even though she was glad that her daughter appeared on her doorstep, she didn't show it.
“I need your help,” Ally said, panting with the desperation of someone who had come to their last resort.
“All right. What's up?” Samantha asked as she led Ally into the house.
“I… Have been hearing voices,” Ally confessed once she was sitting on the sofa in Samantha's small living room. As soon as Ally said it, she decided the idea was absurd, that she must be crazy.
“You're not crazy,” Samantha contradicted.
“Me stepping foot in this house does not give you permission to read my mind,” Ally said, indignantly.
Samantha smiled. “How many times do I need to say 'my house, my rules?'”
“If I'm truly not crazy, then why do I have these voices in my head?” Ally asked, not expecting an answer.
“Headache?” Samantha asked, already knowing the answer. Nothing but silence followed.
“That's what I thought. Believe it or not, I understand what you're going through. I understand what it's like to believe you're crazy. To be met with disbelief. I believe you,” Samantha explained, walking closer to where Ally sat. It was also clear that she was trying to be kind or even soothing.
“Why am I hearing voices?” Ally asked, enunciating every word as if Samantha hadn't heard her the first time.
“Oh, that. I believe that my abilities are genetic,” Samantha said nonchalantly.
“How long have you known?” Ally asked, angry at the idea that her mother could have been harboring another secret from her. And for who knew how long.
“For certain. Today, when you told me about the voices in your head. I had the theory for a while, though,” Samantha said, her eyes downcast.
“You know what? This was a stupid idea. I'm leaving,” Ally said, suddenly furious. Then, she promptly stood up, but before she left, Samantha held up her hand.
“I thought you needed my help,” Samantha said calmly, not bothered by Ally's abrupt decision.
“I don't want your help,” Ally said, her voice layered with years worth of hatred and mistrust.
“You may not want my help, but you need it. I've been through what you're going through right now. I'm helping whether you trust me or not. Besides, you remember what today is. I could make what you're going through a million times worse. If I wanted to, which I don't,” Samantha said, knowing her argument was foolproof.
Ally knew that her mother could make her life once again a living nightmare. She questioned why Samantha hadn’t taken that opportunity yet. Why she cared. In the twelve years that Ally had lived in her mother’s home, she couldn’t remember a time when Samantha hadn’t taken the opportunity to make Ally’s life miserable. Why care now? What has changed?
“Why would you ever want to help me? Everything you've done for years has made my life a living nightmare.”
“I'm glad you asked. It's because these abilities drove me mad. They turned me into the woman that so many people hate, yourself included. For the past year, you’ve fought to separate your image from mine. It would be a pity to see all of that effort go to waste.” At that moment, Samantha didn't sound like the woman who had made her daughter's life miserable, but like she genuinely cared about what happened to Ally.
“Ah. Who knew you had a heart? It's about nine years too late,” Ally said coldly.
“Ally,” Samantha pleaded. “I know you don't trust me, but I also know you won't let yourself throw your life away.”
“How could I ever let you help me when I can't trust a word that comes from your mouth? After all, you specialize in getting what you want; at getting in my head, at using people,” Ally said defensively, more to herself than to her mother.
“I know how to get rid of your headache. Accepting my help doesn't mean you need to like me. You can continue to hate me if that is what you want.” Samantha said, still insufferably calm.
“Fine!” Ally spat, reluctantly. After Ally spoke, Samantha led them to her small, concrete basement. The room was cold and devoid of personality. There was a single light bulb hanging from the ceiling, its light casting an eerie yellow light across the room. The only furniture was a metal chair pushed against one wall, a metal bench against another, and a table against the third. On the table were various inventions of Samantha’s own making. Ally recognized them all. There was only one that hadn’t been born from ill intent. Its function: heal. The invention could heal almost any ailment. Even so, Ally and Samantha had a range of scars. Most of Ally’s had been caused in that very room.
“Why here?” Ally moaned.
“Where else? I'm not exactly welcome anywhere else.”
“What now?” Ally asked, impatient. Standing there, facing the room that haunted her nightmares, every instinct in her told her to run. Instead, she stood there, transfixed, terrified, and anxious. The only thing she knew without a doubt was that she refused to sit in that chair, regardless of what Samantha said. All she wanted to do is rid herself of her pounding headache and leave that dreadful house in peace.
“Sit down,” Samantha directed, motioning towards the bench. Ally did as instructed. Meanwhile, Samantha kneeled in front of her.
“Put your hands in mine,” Samantha ordered, putting her hands out in front of her, palms up. A little reluctantly, Ally listened.
“Now close your eyes and focus. Try to ignore the voices and instead listen to your own. Concentrate on it. Your thoughts, your name, everything that makes you you,” she finished. Ally promptly closed her eyes and tried to relax. Unfortunately, sitting on a cold, metal bench in her mother's basement wasn't Ally's ideal place to relax, but she tried nonetheless.
Once she accomplished this, she did as Samantha advised and repeated her name in her head like a mantra. After what seemed like hours, the pounding headache and voices receded, and Ally opened her eyes.
“I… I did it?!” Ally said, more a question than a confirmation.
“So, was it a stupid idea, after all?” Samantha asked. She waited a moment for a response, but none came. The last thing Ally wanted was to agree as not to tempt Samantha to misuse the little trust that Ally now had in her. Once her problem was 'solved,' another question came to her; How was she going to tell her family? So, she expressed this concern.
“How am I going to tell them? I mean, I need to, right?” She asked, almost hysterically.
“Yes, yes, you do. But as to how don't ask me.” Samantha said as though she couldn't believe that Ally had asked her such a question.
“I can't do this alone. I'm not doing this alone,” Ally insisted, stubbornly.
“Twenty minutes ago, you wanted nothing to do with me. Now, you're demanding my help,” Samantha said, stunned. Ally considered this a moment.
“I guess so,” she said: shrugging.
“Well, there's one problem,” Samantha said as they both stood. “I got banned from their house over twenty years ago,” She said as if the statement was common knowledge. But it wasn't because, at the declaration, Ally gave Samantha a curious expression.
“It's not like they haven't bent the rules regarding you for my sake before,” Ally said sarcastically.
Five minutes later, they stood in front of the Denuna residence, waiting for somebody to answer the door. Tammi Denuna looked like she had just woken up. She had long, milk chocolate hair, in a ponytail, and wore a pink sweater that was half-buttoned, and there were bags under her emerald green eyes. If you didn't know her, you would wonder how a twenty-three-year-old could seem so tired. But Ally knew her. So none of it was a surprise. Not even the hateful expression that Tammi gave Samantha or her confusion at seeing the mother and daughter at her doorstep. Together.
“Ally, tell me why I shouldn't arrest her right now,” Tammi snarled.
“I asked her to come,” Ally answered, before letting herself and Samantha in. Upon their entrance, Elena Denuna stood up from her seat on the kitchen island. Next to her, her son Tommy turned around to face the newcomers.
Unlike Ally and Samantha, Tommy and Elena Denuna didn’t look much alike. Apart from their short, wavy, milk chocolate hair, the pair looked nothing alike. Tommy was the only one of Ally’s relatives that didn’t possess the family’s telltale forest green eyes. Instead, his eyes were hazel, like his father’s. Tomas Denuna Sr. had died in a fire in his office building two months before his son was born. That was over thirteen years ago. Neither Tommy nor Ally had the pleasure of meeting him.
“I didn't expect you to come home so soon. Want some breakfast?” Elena asked Ally cheerfully, disregarding her sister, who was also standing in her doorway. At the offer, Ally’s stomach growled, and she remembered that in her haste to get to Samantha’s house, she had skipped breakfast.
“Food can wait, Mom,” Tammi told Elena after pushing herself past Ally and Samantha into the room.
“What are you two doing here?” Tammi asked the pair sharply.
“I’m sorry, If I knew you would react like this, I wouldn’t have come,” Ally shot back.
“I guess I need to be more specific. What is Samantha doing here?” Tammi asked her, pointing at Samantha.
“It’s okay, and yes, I know that she is not allowed to be here,” Ally said, trying to reason with her.
“What do you mean? It’s okay! You know that I could get into loads of trouble with the PPA for letting this happen. She needs to leave. Now!” Tammi responded, outraged.
The PPA, also known as the Po’struli People Agency, is the government agency that oversees most of the nonhuman programs and specific rules concerning them. Tammi also works for the PPA to uphold its regulations.
“Girls! Calm down!” Elena shouted over the argument. “Ally, would you please explain what is going on,” Elena asked Ally once the room was quiet once more.
“There’s something that I need to tell you,” Ally told them with an awkward smile. There were a few seconds of uncomfortable silence when finally, Samantha nudged her. At first, Ally said something that comprised a lot of um’s and er’s, but finally said something resembling a coherent thought.
“This morning, I woke up with a massive headache and well… Voices. There were voices too. They're still there a little. Oh, and. Um. I am not crazy!” Ally confessed. After she finished, Elena and Samantha exchanged secretive glances, and Tammi and Tommy appeared to repress looks of absolute disbelief. Afterward, Elena started pacing and mumbling to herself.
“Mom, what’s wrong?” Tammi asked Elena, concerned.
“Samantha.…” Elena said, her voice trailing off. At the mention of her name, Samantha looked at her sister, intrigued.
“What is going on here?!” Tammi asked, fed up and to no one in particular.
“I should have known!” Elena said, balling her fists in frustration.
“Should have known what?” Tammi and Tommy asked their mother in unison. Their mother wasn’t the person who responded, however.
“That my powers; my abilities are genetic. That is the meaning of all this,” Samantha whispered, both answering the question and finishing her sister’s sentence. After she finished, Elena turned to face her sister, and everyone in the room went speechless. Tommy and Tammi gawked, eyes wide, at Ally, Samantha, and Elena. No one spoke for a minute as everyone processed what Samantha had said.
“You told me you had a headache, and you rarely have any. I should have known,” Elena told Ally, berating herself.
“No one is at fault here, understood? There is no way you could have known. Even if you had, by no means, could you have changed it, even if you wanted to!” Ally told her, in complete honesty.
“Ally, I think you sometimes forget that I have seen this before. So, yes, I would consider myself to blame if I had not paid attention,” Elena said.
“If this were normal circumstances, I would let you blame yourself. However, no one could have foreseen this,” Samantha said. Then cheerfully added, “Also, If you would be so kind as not to blame me, that would be excellent.”
“I highly doubt that,” Tammi muttered to herself.
“Now that that is out of the way, I’ll leave you be.” Samantha said, turning towards the door, but not before adding, “Oh, and Ally, you know where to find me when you’re ready.”
At first, Ally was irritated by Samantha’s not-so-subtle invitation but soon realized the truth behind her words.
“I need to go,” Ally told them once Samantha left.
“No, you don’t!” Tammi insisted.
“Even though today is different, I was going to go, anyway. Plus, I’m not doing this for you, not this time. This time I need to go for me,” Ally explained.
“What makes you think this is a good idea?” Tammi asked.
"Ordinarily, the last thing I would do is trust her, but you must admit, I have little choice in the matter. Today's my only chance, and I’ve got to take it," Ally said firmly.
“Before you go, do you want to eat something?” Elena asked. Ally nodded, and in an instant, Elena had taken a breakfast bar and hurled towards Ally, who caught it. She wasn’t quite sure what that day would entail, but she hoped that her twelfth birthday would be better than her others.

☁ 𝙲𝚕𝚘𝚞𝚍𝚒

December 03, 2020

The story's great! I did find some mistakes and areas that could be improved, but other than that, it was a good story.
First off, I apologize for replying a day late. Now for the good stuff:
The beginning was great. It wasn't overwhelming and trying too hard like most. You introduced the characters well and showed themselves to the story without writing two hundred pages on a character's backstory. The story was also interesting and has this nice flow to it; it wasn't dry and had actions intertwined with thoughts without overbearing it. The way you also showed a few of the characters' personalities and traits was amazing; most writers can't do that within a chapter.
So overall, your first chapter's amazing! But I did find a few grammar mistakes and whatnot, which of course, can be fixed:

Standing there, facing the room that haunted her nightmares, every instinct in her told her to run. Instead, she stood there, transfixed, terrified, and anxious. The only thing she knew without a doubt was that she refused to sit in that chair, regardless of what Samantha said. All she wanted to do is rid herself of her pounding headache and leave that dreadful house in peace.
“Sit down,” Samantha directed, motioning towards the bench. Ally did as instructed. Meanwhile, Samantha kneeled in front of her.

It says that she "knew without a doubt was that she refused to sit in that chair, regardless of what Samantha said."
But then, "Sit down,” Samantha directed, motioning towards the bench. Ally did as instructed."
It doesn't make much sense to say in a sentence that Ally will refuse to sit in that chair no matter what, but then does so as soon as Samantha instructs her to. This part does make more sense regarding the following action: "All she wanted to do is rid herself of her pounding headache and leave that dreadful house in peace."
UNLESS you meant that she didn't want to sit in that chair when her mother was torturing (from my inferences) Ally years (or months/weeks/days) ago.
But if you meant that she refused to sit in the chair currently then maybe you could try to build up to that sentence. Maybe something like this:
"The only thing she knew was that she'd refuse to sit in that chair, regardless of what Samantha said. But the pounding headache overwhelmed her feelings, and she surrendered to her pain, the chilling thoughts of the chair still flashing down her spine."
That was pretty bad, and I'm sure you could write a better sentence(s), but if you meant that the thought was happening currently, •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

“I guess so,” she said: shrugging.
It should be "I guess so," she said, shrugging.

'"I got banned from their house over twenty years ago,” She said as if…'
It should be: '"…ago,” she said as if…'
You don't capitalize pronouns after a line of dialougue.

' Unlike Ally and Samantha, Tommy and Elena Denuna didn’t look much alike. Apart from their short, wavy, milk chocolate hair, the pair looked nothing alike.'
You repeated the fact that they don't look alike twice. Try to change it to something like:
Unlike Ally and Samantha, Tommy and Elena Benuna didn't look much alike apart from their short, wavy, milk chocolate hair.

“Ally, would you please explain what is going on,” Elena asked Ally once the room was quiet once more.
It should be: '"…is going on?” Elena asked…'
Since she is asking a question, you should put a question mark instead of a comma.

I hope this helped!

Tati

Yes, this was helpful! However, regarding your first comment. I meant to imply they were sitting on the bench in the room. Was that not clear? Thanks. I'll add Chapter 2 now so you can read it too.

Tati

Here's Chapter 2. By the way, I'm considering adding to it. Is that a good idea? Should I show you what I have for Chapter 3 first? Thanks!
2
Ally was no stranger to a fitful sleep. For years, she couldn’t go one week without terror-induced visions of her past. Often, Ally woke up in a puddle of cold sweat, and that night was no different. That night she had been plagued with the image of her cousins bleeding and bruised in her mother’s basement. Oh, how she hated that place. It had only caused her pain. Even so, she understood now that her mother wasn’t all bad, morally grey perhaps, but not the epitome of evil. Yes, Ally wasn’t able to forgive Samantha for everything she’s done, but maybe one day.
It was eight a.m. when she decided she couldn’t sleep any longer. So, she sat at the edge of her bed, braiding her long mane of black hair, wondering what was her new normal? Was it being a constant reminder of her mother to her family? Was it endlessly needing to keep her abilities in check? She didn’t know for sure. Ally only knew that her life was far from ordinary, and it was going to stay that way. She sat contently, braiding her hair for a few minutes until there was a knock on her door.
“Whatever the emergency, can it wait five minutes?” She asked the person on the opposite end of the door. “Tammi,” she finished, puzzled by her innate ability to identify who had knocked. Once she finished speaking, the door swung open, revealing one Tammi Denuna, fully dressed in a T-shirt and leggings, her hair in a ponytail. Her mouth was hanging open in surprise.
“Meet me in the Gym in ten minutes,” Tammi instructed, half mesmerized, barely shaking off her surprise, then walked back into the kitchen. Ally realized that it might take a while for her family to become accustomed to her new abilities. She may have trained with her mother on controlling her powers the whole day prior, but she had gotten nowhere close to having full control.
Ally picked out a mauve T-shirt and black knee-length leggings and began dressing up. After she finished, Ally walked into the kitchen and served herself a small stack of pancakes that Elena had made. Ally always enjoyed the taste of her Aunt’s homemade food because it was a gesture unfamiliar to her that did not go unappreciated. As Ally ate, she couldn’t help but notice the eerie silence in the room. Usually, Tommy would have been watching TV or playing video games, but he was nowhere in sight. He must still be asleep. Ally reassured herself.
The Gym was less of a gym and more of a sleek, modern, black box, the size of an average one-story house. The building had hardwood floors and black, metallic walls designed to contain and withstand powers. Ally had been in that building countless times, but given the events of the day before, she felt like that day was going to be different.
Tammi was waiting for Ally when she arrived in their private room, sitting patiently on a bench, her hands sagging between her legs.
“You’re late,” Tammi said disapprovingly, and, as she said it, Ally could see the eerie resemblance between her cousin and mother.
“You sound like Samantha,” Ally said bitterly, as she took a seat next to Tammi.
"I prefer not to. No one should ever compare me to her," Tammi said, resuming her usual state of calm. And Ally couldn’t help but agree.
“Why are we here?” Ally asked.
“I know you trained yesterday, but I would still like you to show me what you can do,” Tammi said gently.
“You already know what I am capable of,” Ally scoffed.
“You are not your mother,” Tammi said.
“I don’t want anyone to get hurt, all right?” Ally replied, timidly. Then Ally stood up, overwhelmed, turned toward the door, and ran out. She wanted to be alone, not to deal with the situation at hand. Meanwhile, a small part of her told her not to run. To tell Tammi how she felt. She knew that she had to train, but she feared that someone would get hurt in the process.
Upon nearing her house, Ally spotted Samantha standing in front of it. She faced Ally as if she had been waiting for Ally. Ally kept running toward the house, ignoring her mother’s presence, until Samantha stepped to Ally’s left and grabbed her arm.
“Let go of me!” Ally said, outraged, struggling to escape her mother’s grasp.
“You’ve never run from your problems. Why start today?” Samantha said coolly, as she let go of Ally and moved to look her in the eyes. They bore into her like a silent challenge. Any other day, Ally would have protested or left the conversation, but that day was not any other day. She was no longer ordinary.
“I’m not running away from anything,” Ally lied, holding her chin up in a stubborn challenge. It was a simple lie, and if she hadn’t been lying to her mother, she could have gotten away with it.
“Stop lying,” Samantha said, an amused smile on her face.
“Tammi wants to train me,” Ally confessed.
“And you don’t want anyone to get hurt,” Samantha said, finishing the sentiment. Ally nodded. “You still need to train,” Samantha said.
“I know that!” Ally said, throwing her hands up in exasperation.
“How about this? One week with me at my house. I can help you train. I hoped that after yesterday, we might want to get to know each other some more,” Samantha suggested. Initially, Ally hated the idea, but she had to admit the idea of getting to know her mother better, of possibly regaining a positive relationship with her, was appealing.
“What do you get out of it?” Ally asked warily.
“Who said my interests don’t align with yours,” Samantha said, smirking.
“How do I know that this isn’t some ploy to get me in there?” Ally asked, gesturing towards Samantha’s house.
“It’s not,” she said coolly. “Anyway, I know how much you value Elena’s opinion. Ask her.”
“Yeah, if she tells me not to go, I won’t,” Ally said, cheerily. She turned around and headed inside. Elena was in her bedroom, folding clothes when Ally found her.
“Hey, Elena, can I talk to you?” Ally asked solemnly.
“Sure. What’s up?” Elena asked, placing the T-shirt she was folding back on her bed.
“Samantha gave me a proposition; spend a week there, train, get to know each other. What do you say? Should I go?” Ally asked, her heart racing in anticipation.
“Honestly, part of me is uncomfortable with the idea. You’re not Samantha, but….” Elena confessed, her voice trailing off.
“You still believe that one week alone with her will turn me into her,” Ally said in outrage and disbelief. Ally couldn't help but be offended. In all the years that Ally knew her, Elena hadn't doubted that Ally intended to be a better person than Samantha.
“It’s not that I don’t trust you. It’s that I don’t trust Samantha,” Elena said in a small voice. Ally understood why Elena had said what she did. Thus, she stood there, at a loss for words. Neither of them spoke for a couple of minutes, and to Ally, it might as well have been an hour.
“Go,” Elena said decisively.
“What?” Ally asked, shocked.
“Go. Do what you always do and prove me wrong. I’d love to be wrong.”
“She let you come,” Samantha said. She stood in the door frame of her house, leaning on the wall as she said it. After years of living with Samantha, it still shocked Ally how much her mother knew about her and Elena.
“What makes you think that?” Ally asked.
“You wouldn’t be here otherwise. You care about what Elena thinks. You wouldn’t go behind her back like that,” Samantha said, and for the millionth time in her life, Ally felt like Samantha knew her better than she knew herself.
“You're not wrong, but not right either. She didn’t want me to come. Some part of her believed that this was a bad idea. She doesn’t trust you, and frankly, I don’t quite either, but I won’t let it go badly. I’m here because she wanted me to prove her wrong, and that’s what I’m going to do,” Ally said, determinedly, now standing in the entrance of Samantha’s house.
As Ally walked into the main room of the house, a tide of anguish, anger, and sorrow engulfed her until she was no longer staring at an empty dining area. She was suddenly three years old again: hopelessly wailing in protest as her mother dragged her friend, bruised and crying, out of the house. Ally would never forget that day. That was the day that left her in shambles. It had led to the whirlwind of the following decade.
There was a hand on her shoulder and a familiar voice saying, “Ally, what’s wrong?” It was her mother’s voice. At that moment, a million thoughts raced through Ally’s head, most of them bitter and full of hatred. The most prominent of which was that it had all been Samantha’s fault. An instant later, Samantha had removed her hand from Ally’s shoulder as if it had caught fire. Ally had been kneeling on the ground, her eyes wet with tears, and as she lifted her gaze to meet her mother’s, all she saw was a blank look staring back at her.
“I-” Samantha started, as Ally rose to face her mother.
“You’re not sorry,” Ally interrupted bitterly. A second later, Ally grimaced at the painful realization that her statement had little to do with what she already knew about her mother. Her abilities had led her to this conclusion.
“There’s no need to feel guilty. It doesn’t bother me,” Samantha said, stepping so close to Ally that she had to look up to meet her mother’s gaze. Then Samantha moved her hand to rest on Ally’s arm. When Ally tensed, Samantha moved back to her original position.
“But it bothers me,” Ally whispered.

☁ 𝙲𝚕𝚘𝚞𝚍𝚒

Wow, this was amazing! I do have just two things, and a question.
The bench thing was clear. I just wanted to make sure :) Also, you're welcome!

“I don’t want anyone to get hurt, all right?” Ally replied, timidly. Then Ally stood up, overwhelmed, turned toward the door, and ran out. She wanted to be alone, not to deal with the situation at hand. Meanwhile, a small part of her told her not to run. To tell Tammi how she felt. She knew that she had to train, but she feared that someone would get hurt in the process.
Maybe take away this sentence: "She knew that she had to train, but she feared that someone would get hurt in the process."
You show that she doesn't want anyone to get hurt with this: “I don’t want anyone to get hurt, all right?” Ally replied, timidly.' and that she has to train throughout the chapter. You're retelling it in the end. It's better to show than tell (as you did), so try to take that last sentence out.

"She faced Ally as if she had been waiting for Ally."
It could be: She faced Ally as if she had been waiting for her.
It would make it clearer.

For your second question, it depends on what you want to add, although it's also good to end there. Is it a part from the 3rd chapter?
And yes, you should also put chapter 3!

Tati

I may not be done with Chapter 3, but here's what I have:

“Ally! Ally, wake up!” Samantha said. Instantly, Ally’s eyes shot open.
“I hate it when you do that! You didn’t have to do that. I was fine!” Ally said. In the twelve years, Ally lived in her mother’s home, there wasn’t one day when Samantha hadn’t manipulated her.
Samantha gave Ally a knowing look. “No, you weren’t. You were screaming and thrashing,” Ally looked around. Her pale pink comforter was half off of her, and her socks had fallen on the floor. “Plus, it’s nine o’clock. Get up.”
Ally felt the effect of Samantha’s words before they took hold of her, but she knew she stood no chance at a fight. Like a puppet, Ally shot to her feet. “Stop! Doing! That!” Ally said, gritting her teeth.
Samantha smirked. “You could stop me if you tried,” Samantha was right. Since she was five years old, Ally could resist Samantha’s ability to force people to do something against their will. Ally’s unique ability was the predecessor to her full set of powers.
“Yesterday, you told me you were trying to be different. If you truly wanted to change, you wouldn’t have done that. You know that it is unnecessary and cruel, and yet, you did it anyway!” Ally scowled. “Oh, and don’t you dare tell me you’re sorry! Based on the look on your face, you’re not sorry!” she added bitterly.
“Whatever happened to “uncomfortable and guilty”?” Samantha asked.
“Shut up!” Ally shouted. The second the words escaped her mouth, Ally knew they were a mistake because Samantha’s mouth slammed shut. Panic rose from Ally’s chest. What had she done? Had she done anything?
Samantha smiled. “You didn’t mean to do that, did you?” When Ally didn’t respond, Samantha added, “It’s ok if you don’t answer. I already know that I’m right. You wouldn't do that of your own volition.” Once again, Samantha was right. After thirteen years, Samantha didn’t need telepathy; she knew Ally to a tee. That infuriated Ally, but not as much as the calm look on her mother’s face. Samantha had been unusually calm for the past two days. It didn’t matter how angry Ally got; Samantha still stayed calm. Ally wasn’t sure how Samantha did it. In all her experience in dealing with her mother, Ally hadn’t seen Samantha so calm or understanding. In that way, Samantha had changed.
“We need to talk about what happened back there,” Samantha said ten minutes later. They sat at Samantha’s small, wooden dining room table. Samantha sat across from Ally, arms crossed, while Ally ate a piece of toast.
“What is there to talk about?” Ally asked.
“You did that on accident. What happens if I’m not the one on the other end? Do you really want to risk that?” Samantha asked. When Ally didn’t respond, she added, “What’s so bad about admitting it? I know you won’t risk it. I care enough not to let you risk it. We are doing this, whether you like it or not.”
“That is not how this works. You don’t get to just demand things from me. I’ll give you this: I see your point but that does not mean I like it. You can’t force me to do it and you know that. So, what exactly was your plan?”
“I’ve got some ideas,” Samantha said. There was a look in her eyes that Ally always dreaded. The look that meant she was planning something, something that Ally wouldn’t like. Samantha wasn’t going to let this go, but Ally wasn’t about to do something that went against everything she believed in. But then again, what had been doing the past three days? Using and controlling the very abilities that she had hated most of her life.
“No. You know what you are, Samantha? A manipulative, cruel liar. That is what you are. That is what you’ve always been, and I was a fool trusting you,” Ally said as she pushed her chair back and stood up.
“None of what I said was a lie. Not one word. You’re right too, you know. That is who I’ve always been, at least in your lifetime. I meant what I said. I do want to change; I am trying to change,” Samantha said.
“Then stop giving yourself permission to be that person. You want me to trust you; to — to listen to you then give me a reason to. I am not going along with any plan of yours as long as it has anything to do with what happened ten minutes ago!” Ally said.
“What will it take?” Samantha asked.
“Did you not hear me! I’m not putting a price or a – a something on that because it won’t happen. I am not going to do it.”
“You came here because you didn’t want anyone to get hurt. You asked for a reason to listen to me. Here’s one: there is more harm in not controlling it – in not training than there is if you trust me. I don’t want to force you to do it, Ally. It’s a part of you, and you know that!” Samantha said, as seemingly, her calm expression gave out to one of desperation. Ally couldn’t believe her eyes. For the first time in Ally’s life, she truly felt as though her mother was telling the truth.
Even though it had come after much reluctance and uneasiness for the past few days, Ally had given in to her mother’s wishes when it came to her powers. So, it was no wonder that considering the gravity at hand, that Samantha had reacted the way she had.
“I’ve never seen you so desperate. You have changed. Not much, but I can tell. The old you wouldn’t’ve cared if I listened or trusted you. You would’ve been content with me hating your guts. I’ve been meaning to ask you: what’s changed? Why do you care now when you didn’t five days ago?” Ally asked.
“I have cared for your whole life. Only I didn’t know how to show it. Think about it, Ally. You needed permission to go to the Academy. Do you genuinely believe that if I didn’t care, I would’ve allowed you to go? Or to my sister’s? Think about it. You understand better than anyone that if I had a problem with any of it, you wouldn’t have access to it. What changed? I know how people look at you. I didn’t — I don’t want to be responsible for turning you into the monster people believe you already are. These powers turned me into something short of a monster. I will not let that happen to you. You are lucky. You are not alone; I was,” Samantha said.
“I didn’t expect you to just tell me. What are you trying to prove?” Ally asked.
“We haven’t discussed much in the last two days. You wanted an explanation. I gave you one.”
“I don’t owe you anything in return,” Ally said.
“Yes, you do. Tell me, why are you so violently opposed to controlling it? You know it’s more dangerous if you don’t. Look at me. I’m the prime example,” Samantha said.
Ally lip twitched, “If you really don’t know, I’m not telling.”
“Do you really hate me that much, or do you not trust me?” Samantha asked.
“So, you just wanted to hear it from me. It’s not you that I hate, not right now, and yes, I don’t know if I could trust you with this. You’re too prone to lying and trickery. Plus, just because I’m capable of something doesn’t mean I have to do it.”
“You told me that there was no price or thing it would take. Believe it or not, you gave me an idea. You want to make sure that I won’t lie to you, correct?” Samantha asked. Ally didn’t respond. She didn’t like where Samantha was heading.
A second later, Ally felt a presence in her mind. One that was all too familiar. Less than a second later, Ally heard her mother’s disjointed thoughts swimming through her mind.
“Get out of my head!” she told them. To her amazement, they receded.

Tati

Sophia, not to bug you, but can you please read my chapter 3?

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Sorry, Tati, I was waiting for the rest of the chapter; thank you for reminding me

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And no, you're not bugging me. Please tell me if I don't respond!

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This was great! You showed which abilities Samantha has (and which Ally might) and developed the relationship between the two. There's only one small thing:

In the twelve years, Ally lived in her mother’s home, there wasn’t one day when Samantha hadn’t manipulated her.
The first comma shouldn't be there:
In the twelve years Ally lived in her mother’s home, there wasn’t one day when Samantha hadn’t manipulated her.

Tati

Yesterday, I wrote some more. It is supposed to be at the end of chapter 3. Does it fit.

“What’s wrong with this solution? As I understand it, you want proof that I’m not lying. What further proof do you need?” Samantha asked.
“You’re not going to give up, are you?” she asked.
“Come on. Let’s get this over with.”
“No. Not now. Not ever.” Ally was rigid now. Her arms were firmly pressed against the sides of her legs. She felt Samantha’s presence once more.
“I’m not going to hurt you. Alright.” came Samantha’s voice. “What else are you so afraid of?” Samantha asked aloud.
“You’re wasting your energy because every promise you make, you break.”
“I don’t intend to break it. If I do, you will have every right to be angry. You were right: you don’t owe me anything. You owe it to yourself.”
“I want to believe in you. I want to trust you. But, how can I when the second I do, you pull a stunt that shatters it?”
“Please, just give me a chance,” Samantha said.

Also, I'm trying to figure out a way to write telepathy. Have I done an ok job at it? Is this section good to add at the end of chapter 3? Is it ok to end the chapter there, or do I have to add more after this? Thanks!

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You have done a pretty good job with it so far, but if you feel stuck on something or need a second opinion, you can ask. I think you can add a bit more to the chapter, probably about Ally considering the last line:

“Please, just give me a chance,” Samantha said.'

Tati

I added a bit to the chapter.

“Please, just give me a chance,” Samantha said. Bitterness and hope, polar opposites, festered a war inside Ally. She so desperately wanted things to change, but how could they? There was too much hate there. It resonated in the air, in every word that either of them spoke, but if the past three days had taught Ally anything, it was that she was the one holding onto hate. Time, and time again, Samantha had tried to build a bridge, but all Ally did was burn it to ashes.
“Let’s get this over with,” And with that, they descended into the basement.

@AuroraStorm

How to get a villain? I'm having trouble with motivations and everything. Also, should a villain be likeable and supportable or not?

@NotSoBeautifulDiseaster

I'm not very good at describing fighting or action scenes

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