forum I can critique characters
Started by @Fyrebird
tune

people_alt 6 followers

@Fyrebird

Just attach the link in a comment. If there's something specific you want to have critiqued, just let me know in your comment.

@Fyrebird

Alright, Alphonse is really well written, just a couple of things:
Does his passion for helping others go to far? Does he try to help people who don't necessarily want/need help? Does his need for helping people throw him into danger? Also, why does he know about human politics? What's the reasoning there? (At this point, I'm assuming it's because he's human, but I don't know).
Put more into his body description. How is he flat? Is he flat, but toned? Is Alphonse muscular, but it's hard to tell? Put more in there.
Phoenix is really cool! (Love her name too, btw)
Just a couple of things. Again, go into more body description. I don't get a whole lot from there. Why do paper napkins bother her? Is it a trigger? What's the reasoning behind it? Explain the hair antenna better. Are her antennas made of hair? Does her hair simply stick up like antennas? Or does she have antennas that stick out above her hair?
Other than that, I don't have a lot to say. You made some really great characters. Well done.

@Kinarymo

@Fyrebird ayy thx for the critique o3o
Alphonse may be passionate about helping others, but unlike Tanis, he is more careful and observes the situation before hand, knowing exactly what to do. He is indeed willing to go to great lengths to help someone although if things go beyond the point of no return and there is absolutely nothing else he can do, he has to stop, otherwise he can endanger himself or others. He usually explores every single alternative until nothing is left, because he likes to think logical. He doesn't usually help without being asked first. As for the politics, he lived in a place with heavy discussions about it and he unwillingly learned a thing or two. Also, he's flat as in the naturally skinny type.
As for paper napkins, Pheonix hates them bcz he once ate one accidentally and almost threw up (they're hell man, they're disgusting XD) She just avoids the napkins while eating sandwiches, that's all. And the antenna, it's just a rebel strand of hair sticking out, looking like an an antenna (it's a joke source for another character who makes fun of it)

@Fyrebird

@Kohaku
Okay, cool. Don;t be afraid to add lots to the body description though! (You might want to throw in the naturally skinny part into Alphonse's description.)
Nicely done characters though. Hope your book turns out the way you want! Good luck!

@Fyrebird

@AJ
Mara is pretty interesting. I like her.
For the most part, I think you just need to JUSTIFY some of the things she does. For example, why is she fidgety? Why is she good with motorcycle mechanics? JUst the why of her character needs to be there.
Honestly, I LOVE her background. It's very intriguing. I have one question too: You mentioned, after the events of the first book. Have you written the first book, or do you just have that bit plotted out? (If it's published, please tell me the title. I want to read this.)
Hope I was helpful!

@Fyrebird

@TheMerpyDerpy
Emil Urien Knight
DETAILS!!! Go into more details! Go into his body type, his reasons for his mannerisms. Why does he have a high pain tolerance?
Go into his background. Noble does not suffice. What happened? Is he still considered noble? Is he a runaway? Go into details.
Gwenyth Eilidh Knight
Again, details. You need details. Describe your characters.
Other wise, I think you've got a great idea going.
Hope I was helpful.

@AJ

@Fyrebird
Aaah, thank you so much!

I'm intending for this to be a 5-6 book series, and I've plotted most of it out at this point- I haven't published just yet (or begun writing, lol), but I'm so glad that I have someone who's interested!

The reason why Mara is fidgety is explained due to her ADHD, which I mentioned. The motorcycle mechanics is a whole other explanation that would be WAY too long to post here.

Again, thank you so much for your feedback!

@Fyrebird

@AJ
Okay, cool. (Honestly I was kind of tired at this point so I probably read the ADHD part and then forgot about it.)
However, I think your idea is SUPER cool, and if you ever need a beta reader once you write the first one, contact me!
Good luck writing!

@Fyrebird

@Jake
Alright, Zeal seems like an interesting character. I quite like his name.
Let's start with the looks category.
Not much to say here, although in the body type section, you might want to go into more detail here, as you won't be able to say "think deku" in your book. (Quick question; do you mean midoriya from BNHA?)
Also, you say a lot that he's generally covered in dirt or something of the like. Why? Why is he always dirty? What's the reason?
Nature category:
Again, this is well explained for the most part. In the mannerisms section, you mentioned that he has some difficulty talking to people, although you do say he gets more comfortable with his companions/friends. But then you say that he's still "an awkward boyo". Did he change or no. If he was awkward at first, but gets better, yet he's still awkward, did he actually change?
You've also mentioned that he doesn't stay in shape, yet he also gets into fights and such a lot, so he is in shape. You seem to drive yourself in circles sometimes.
Anyways, I also wanted to mention Zeal's background. Go into more detail! Write out his whole story. What's happened to him? Where did his story start? Go into some details.
Other than that, you've got a pretty nice character. Hope the story turns out nicely!

Ashley

Hey @Fyrebird
I was working on one of my characters and hope you can take a look.

Note: this is the only character who is done, so any characters connected to him will be empty.
My universe is done though

@Fyrebird

@Ashley
I like Cody. He seems like an interesting character.
You've got lots of details on him, which is great. You've also written the why behind most of his details, which is super important.
However, I think you could go into his background more. Delve into it more. Don't be afraid to really get into it.
Hope I was at least somewhat helpful.