forum How to write a character with NPD

Started June 12, 2020 by @LilMeme group

tune

Hey I want to write a character with narcissistic personality disorder but I don't want to write it as person with NPD = abusive jerkwad and the internet isn't helping much

I can give you some info that might help you. Just give me some time to type said info out for you.

Well… I think I might be able to help you, but first I want to make clear that I am not a psychologist nor do I have any qualification in the area, so please take everything I say here with a grain of salt.

Also, if your main concern is trying to make a narcissistic character your audience will like, I don't think you have to worry about it. I mean, I've never met anyone who didn't like Princess Azula from "Avatar", and I'm pretty sure she would ace the NPD diagnostic test with her eyes closed. Actually, if you want a good example of an NPD character, just watch the last 2 seasons of Avatar because Azula is perfect (or maybe just watch Citizen Kane, IDK).

Ok, so the first thing you have to keep in mind when writing a character like the one you are describing is that NPD is, like the name suggests, a disorder. Your character is not going to be magically cured if they meet someone they "love". I'm only saying this because my least favourite trope is when a character is described as a psycho/sociopath, but they fall in love and now they have empathy all of a sudden. This doesn't happen in real life, so if that's what you have in mind, I suggest you don't write them as a pathological narcissist. But if that's not you are thinking at all, I think it's possible to have a character with NPD who isn't an "abusive jerkward".

The most poignant characteristic of someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, is their exaggerated sense of entitlement. They require constant, excessive admiration from others, and have little to no empathy because they genuinely believe they are above everyone else. This constant need to feel superior can lead to some pretty jerky behaviours, like bullying and belittling others, but there are less shitty ways of getting praise and attention. They could be really nice to everyone and help lots of people, just so they could hear about how good and special they are afterwards, or maybe they could just focus on trying to appear bigger without making others feel small (just remember that it's never going to be genuine).

Now, the "not being abusive" part is a little trickier… Like I said before, "they have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others" (got this from the Mayo Clinic website), so pretty much all of their relationships are going to be at least somewhat abusive. Your narcissistic mother doesn't really love you, and your narcissistic is boyfriend is not going to change his behaviour and become a better partner because he really cares about you, regardless how hard you try to change them. The same way you can't ask someone with ADHD to try to pay attention, a narcissist can't just start caring about other people's feelings, and you can't possibly have a healthy relationship with someone who doesn't see you as their equal, so I would strongly suggest that you don't portray any relationship with this character as anything but toxic.

It's also important to remember they were not just born with a disorder, and it's also not their fault, environmental factors are HUGE in things like this. I think that this section of the Wikipedia page about NPD is very complete, so I'm just going to paste it here: "In some people, pathological narcissism may develop from an impaired emotional attachment to the primary caregivers, usually the parents. That lack of psychological and emotional attachment to a parental figure can result in the child's perception of himself or herself as unimportant and unconnected to other people, usually family, community, and society. Typically, the child comes to believe that they have a personality defect that makes him or her an unvalued and unwanted person in that vein, either overindulgent and permissive parenting or insensitive and over-controlling parenting are contributing factors towards the development of NPD in a child."
On the Mayo Clinic website it says this: "Although the cause of narcissistic personality disorder isn't known, some researchers think that in biologically vulnerable children, parenting styles that are overprotective or neglectful may have an impact. Genetics and neurobiology also may play a role in development of narcissistic personality disorder."

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is also commonly associated with: relationship difficulties, problems at work or school, depression and anxiety, physical health problems, drug or alcohol misuse, and suicidal thoughts or behaviour, so keep this in mind when writing your character. Living with someone with NPD is hard, but remember they also suffer the consequences of their own disorder, and even though they may appear confident and happy, PLEASE remember they are not. NPD SUCKS, for everyone involved. Don't romanticize it.

Now I know that therapy can help them live happier and less toxic lives, but treatment for NPD is difficult. I'll admit that I don't really know much about it (all the research I did on the topic was because I also have a narcissistic character, and I guarantee you, she is not going to therapy anytime soon), so I'll just leave another excerpt from the MC website: "People with narcissistic personality disorder may not want to think that anything could be wrong, so they may be unlikely to seek treatment. If they do seek treatment, it's more likely to be for symptoms of depression, drug or alcohol use, or another mental health problem. But perceived insults to self-esteem may make it difficult to accept and follow through with treatment."
I don't have anything on the treatment itself, but I know it involves talk therapy and collaboration from those who are closer to the person. Apparently it focous on interpersonal relationships and they aim to improve the patient's ability to relate to other's emotions.

Well… I hope this was helpful? You could try searching for a therapist who works with Narcissists or something. Or maybe consider making a character who has narcissistic behaviours, but isn't actually a pathological narcissist, if you don't think it fits your vision for the character. And there are a lot of serious websites where you can find more information on the disorder in general (I could give you some recommendations if you want), so perhaps you'll find something. And again, if your character doesn't fit the disorder, don't give them the disorder. It's the best thing you can do.

Also, I forgot to say this but there are different types of narcissists. The DSM-5 doesn't recognize any specific classification and there is no official list, but I think it relates to how they get their attention and deal with criticism/frustration. It usually goes from people with more mild symptoms all the way up to Serial Killer, so maybe you'll find something in between that suits your character (again, this classifications are not officially recognized, but they can be helpful for writing fiction). And remember that everything is a spectrum, and it's not rare to find narcissist who also have some of the symptoms that characterize other personality disorders (especially Cluster-B personality disorder as they ar already on the same category). Just make sure your character fits the diagnostic criteria before saying they have the disorder

(The following is taken from The Writer's Guide to Character Traits by Linda N. Edelstein, Ph.D. ©1999)

Narcissistic Style
The hallmark of narcissism is that these individuals are less than meets the eye

Internal

• Grandiose
• Shows off
• Low self-esteem
• Lacks empathy for others
• Needs admiration

Interpersonal

• Accuses others of what is inside one's self but uncomfortable to experience; e.g., "You are envious of me" when the envy is really inside.
• Under pressure resorts to extreme views of others, self, or life; e.g., partner is seen as all bad and self as all good.
• Extreme views can shift back and forth; it is difficult to integrate a mixed view.

The Narcissist gravitates to careers where attention and admiration are available. Politics is a good choice because it allows competition and manipulation. Religious careers are good because there is a built-in audience.

Childhood of a Narcissist
The parents have used the twins to fulfill their ambitions. Johnny is given piano lessons from age four because his father was too poor to continue lessons as a child. Johnny's mother sits in the room when he practices, brags to her friends about his skill, and threatens him, "It will break your father's heart if you quit." She also ignores his genuine interests and skills: "What is that stupid ball game you play?" His father forgets to pick him up from practice.

His twin Jenny is entered into beauty pageants, her hair is lightened, and she is taught makeup and flirting. The family spends a great deal of money on modeling, clothes, and lessons, but there is no time for sleepover parties and homework. "A good-looking girl like you doesn't need an education," her father says. Her mother whispers, "You will mary a very rich man and take care of your mom and dad, right?" Jenny's talent for math is overlooked, and she never learns how to relate to other girls: She learns only how to compete with girls and flirt with boys and men.

Adulthood of a Narcissist
Because they have been treated like objects, they treat themselves and others like objects. "I can play any piece on the piano," Johnny boasts. Jenny, too, is happy when she is adored, when that rich husband tells her that she is the most beautiful woman in the room. If her husband fails, if he needs her, if he is distracted or ill, she is alone and frightened. She may need n admirer or a lover to bolster her self-esteem. Over the years, both need more and more to feed their frail sense of self.

Friends say, "I never feel like I'm saying the right thing around Jenny" or "I always feel inadequate around John." Friends find them lively to be around, shining stars, but over time others see the selfishness, the self-absorption, and the intense need to be at the center of activity.

((According to the book narcissism is related to white-collar criminals, actors, and charismatic leaders [inflated self-importance, seeks admiration, and is intolerant of criticism]…. I sincerely hope that this is of use and helps you.))

Thanks for this, this is very useful

You're welcome!