forum Hi! I'd like to review your character!
Started by @Cassiopeia
tune

people_alt 7 followers

@PuffPoff

When you get the chance, could you critique this character? Some of the things may not make sense because I haven't explained the story I put him in, but I feel like he's lacking…something and I can't figure out what.

@Riorlyne pets

@0mg-Cholestrol - I have a side character I'm working on at the moment and I would love if you could take a look at her (when she's done). In the meanwhile, I'd be happy to review your protagonist! Is there a spot you'd prefer that to be done?

@Cassiopeia

@@jynandor Alrighty! Let's begin, shall we?

Likes–

  • I like how you included his full name, it's such a simple inclusion, but it's overlooked very often, so props to you on that!

  • I like the way you described him, it's not too little information, but not too much either. That's very good.

  • Despite his riches and privileged status, he still is willing to fight against (I assume) the Duchess for his loved one, which I think is very brave and says a lot about his character.

Dislikes–

  • His Hobbies and Talent sections are a bit lacking, and this could perhaps be because he is still in development, which I understand, of course! While handwriting is a talent, (and a good one, at that!) I'm not sure that 'being in the wrong place at the wrong time' is. Regardless of that, maybe he enjoys reading, jogging, drawing, freakishly talented at predicting the future? Try developing his talents and hobbies sections a bit more, it'll give the character a lot more depth, and will leave a pleasant amount to the reader's mind even after your story has ended.

  • I do wish there had been a bit more backstory in the 'History' section. Like, how did he and Winnie meet? What about this Peggy Lewis character? What's his relationship with his parents like? Of course, like mentioned in the previous point, this could be simply because he's still in development!

Overall, this a very well rounded and interesting character. His profile is just a bit incomplete. I'd rate him a 9/10!

@Cassiopeia

@PuffPoff I'll just hop right in, but right off the bat, this character seems very interesting!

Likes–

  • I like how this character appears to be a run-of-the mill freshman, which is a trope that I rarely see. Representation, Yess!

  • I also like how you included his mannerisms, small little gestures and things he does when nervous. That's very detailed, and I like that.

  • His prejudice is quite common for teens around this age, and that is very good. :)

Dislikes–

  • Six feet is very tall for a 14 year old, unless he's hit puberty already?

  • I feel that while Gavin's normalcy is part of his charm as a character, the 'Missing' factor is something that sets him apart from everyone else. What makes him different?

Overall, this is an interesting character, but he lacks something that sets him apart, find that special something, and go from there. Overall, I'd rate him a 7/10!

@LeafyLemur

Ok, just a little thing, I have seen some 6 foot 14 year olds, so I don’t think it’s that strange for one to be that tall :P

That’s all

@Cassiopeia

@LeafyLemur Perhaps I was a bit inaccurate on that part of the critique, but at least in America (Which is where the character I was reviewing lives) The average height of a fourteen year old male here in the good old USA is 5'4, making 6'0 taller than 99% of the boys here. So at the very least, the character is exceptionally tall for the area he lives. Hope this explained my reasoning a bit more! :D

@Cassiopeia

@LeafyLemur @@jynandor Huh. I suppose either the information I gathered was incorrect or I just live in a part of america full of very short boys! :'D Anyways, thanks for the input guys! It was quite helpful. :)

@Riorlyne pets

@0mg-Cholestrol - I've had a look at your character!

Hoshino Mizuki

  • Hair: If her grandparents are as strict as you say, why is she able to dye her hair mauve?
  • Height/Weight: No critique, just a big thank you for using imperial AND metric measurements. It's a great idea and I hope you don't mind if I adopt the double format for my character pages.
    Also, height/weight ratio is perfect because she matches mine exactly, except that I'm not delicate, I'm sort of average.
  • Hair style: Does Hoshi always wear her hair down?
  • Body type: You've said her hips are wider than her shoulders, so that would be a pear/bell body type (triangle is usually shoulders wider than hips)
  • Clothing style: What colours and patterns does Hoshi like to wear?
  • Mannerisms: Again, no critique, I just really like the thought you've put into these and the way you've set them out. You've made a lot of information very easy to follow.
  • Prejudices and Talents: I love what you've got here, but you could add a few more to each category. What else is Hoshi really good at? (It doesn't even have to be something she does often or enjoys.)
  • Religion: Oooh, why does she refuse to associate with it? Clearly she dislikes it. That sort of information could be helpful here and show us more about her personality. Also, as her family has a religion, how does she interact with them around it? It would probably be helpful to include which religion it is, since it's played such a huge part in Hoshi's upbringing.
  • Politics: This could be a helpful field to fill in. It doesn't have to be which political party she ascribes to, it can just be her ideas of justice and what she thinks needs to change in society around her.
  • Occupation: I saw that she is still at school, so how much of a 'job' is her astrology? Is it a hobby or more of a passion? Does she make any money from it?
  • Deepest secret: Is there more shame that her parents were underage or that they were unmarried?
  • Birthday: If your story is set in the modern world, it can be helpful to have a rough idea of which year you're in, especially technology and history-wise.
  • Education: Tell us more about her schooling, since it's where she'll be spending a large portion of her day. What subjects does she like, which does she hate, who's her favourite teacher, who are her friends, what's her attitude toward homework?
  • Backstory: How did the grandparents change the story of how Hoshi was born?

You've clearly put a lot of thought into your main character! She's really well rounded and I'd say she's pretty much ready to hop right into your story. Something I was left wondering was what caused her major turnaround in terms of her attitude toward religion. In her backstory, you say that she was quite happy in her homeschooled life, so does she feel the same way about her past at the boarding school?

Also, I understand that Hoshi didn't have much interaction with people while homeschooled, but it would be really helpful to see what her relationships are like with others, especially her grandparents and her friends. What does she think of her parents?

I hope that this can help add the finishing touches to your character. All the best with your writing!