forum Hi! I'd like to review your character!
Started by @Cassiopeia
tune

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@Cassiopeia

I enjoy reading about others' characters, and I'd love to review yours! And while not necessary, it'd be great if you could review the protagonist of a project I have in mind as well! :)

@LeafyLemur

Quick note: These are fan characters for the Boku no Hero Academia universe :P

Name: Konno Haniko

Alias: Moyasu (Literal Translation: Burn) (Note: The League of Villains know her by this name, they are unaware of her real name somewhat like Dabi)

Age: 15

Gender: Female

Sexuality: Bisexual

Blood Type: B-

Appearance: Very short dark blue hair (you can see the black roots, but they kinda blend into the blue), orange eyes, 5’9, oval face shape, long neck, thicker eyebrows, small nose, rectangle body (thin and long), usually has a serious expression, normally wears light grey yoga pants, a grey shirt, and grey tennis shoes. Her villain outfit is a mask over the bottom half of her face (so she isn’t recognized by her twin), a thin dark grey hoodie (doesn’t usually wear the hood), black gloves, black yoga pants, and her light grey tennis shoes

Personality: Konno is calm, level headed, and analytical. She has a dry sense of humor. Konno is pretty intelligent and seems serious, but has a more relaxed and sweet side to her, though it’s almost gone now from living on her own and being with the League of Villains. She believes a hero shouldn’t be doing it for the money, thus joining the League of Villains. Konno likes to work alone, but will cooperate with the League of Villains.

Quirk: Elemental Manipulation- When she’s surrounded by an element, she can manipulate it to a certain extent. If used for too long, she will be out of breath, thirsty, unable to stand upright, and/or will feel burning hot. It can lead to fatal consequences if used too much.

Backstory: When Konno was younger, she had a dream like almost every other young boy and girl, to be a hero. As she grew; however, her view on heroes started to change. She began to see a different side to them, a greedy side. Konno saw heroes who would only do their job for money. That disgusted her. When Konno tried to tell her parents about how she felt, they brushed it off, saying, “They need to support their family,” or “It’s fine, they’re doing it to save others, not just for the money.” They wouldn’t listen. The only one who would was her brother, Kotake. He understood. They didn’t see eye-to-eye, but they understood each other. Konno eventually got tired of no one listening, leaving to find the League of Villains. While she help them, Kotake made it into the U.A.’s class 1-A. She made a vow to herself to not let him know who she was, so wears a mask to hide her identity. Konno also won’t hurt him directly, but won’t hesitate to hurt his friends. She joined the League of Villains after Stain was captured, swearing to herself she would help the League of Villains finish what Stain started.

Other Info: She is a villain, she has a twin named Kotake who is a student in Class 1-A, has the same quirk as her brother, but is able to hide her exact quirk by using a lighter and a small can of gas (yes she carries a lighter and small can of gas around all the time) or by using Dabi's flames

Name: Kotake Haniko

Alias: Youso (Literal Translation: Elements)

Age: 15

Gender: Male

Sexuality: Pansexual

Blood Type: B-

Appearance: Short dark black hair, orange eyes, 5’8, oval face shape, thinner eyebrows, small nose, more of a triangle body (slim and more muscular), out of school normally wears a pastel shirt and jeans. His hero suit is a simple black skin tight tank top and shorts. He also has a belt with a knife and a lighter.

Personality: Kotake is bubbly, energetic, and sweet. He is pretty awkward, but that doesn’t keep him from being outgoing and social. Kotake is easily embarrassed and apologizes for everything. He will listen to other people, but feels he is unable to tell others about his problems and worries, feeling like he’ll be a burden on them.

Quirk: Elemental Manipulation- When he’s surrounded by an element, he can manipulate it to a certain extent. If used for too long, he will be out of breath, thirsty, unable to stand upright, and/or will feel burning hot. It can lead to fatal consequences if used too much.

Backstory: Kotake had the dream almost every young child had, to become a hero. He looked up to All Might, but loved Thirteen and Eraser Head. He loved Thirteen for her ability to save people. Kotake loved Eraser Head for his quirk and for his amazing battle strategies. When Konno, his twin sister, told him about how she felt, he listened to her unlike their parents. When Konno ran away from home, Kotake was mortified. He had always been able to talk to Konno about his troubles, but now she was gone, so he had no one to tell his worries to. When she wasn’t found for a few weeks, and eventually months, Kotake realized she wasn’t coming back. Years later, Kotake was able to make it into Class 1-A of the esteemed U.A. High. He was going to be able to live out his dream!

Other Info: Has a twin sister named Konno, is a student in Class 1-A at U.A. High, he has the same quirk as his sister

@Cassiopeia

Okay! I like both the characters (and the Anime, despite not being too far into it yet, so forgive me if I get something wrong!)

I'll be starting with Konna, and the things I like about her.

  • Her appearance isn't too over-the-top, but not bland either. It's a very good balance.
  • I like that she is presented as the bad for a good reason, morally gray character. (I love myself a good morally gray character.)
  • I also like how you balanced her very powerful ability with a big drawback, good way to balance it out.

And while I don't have that many negative things to point out, I did notice a few things that could be improved upon.

  • There weren't too many character flaws within her 'personality' section, which I was a bit confused by.
  • There wasn't much explanation as to why she believes what she does about the stigma of 'superheroes for hire' is wrong. Was she cheated out of something? Had she witnessed someone denied help because they couldn't pay?
    These could both very well be because I don't have that much information, but I took a point each for that reason.

Overall, Konna is a very interesting character and very well-developed. (I really loved the mask detail, and how you specified why exactly she wears it.) You are very detailed and clearly have an eye for balance, so props! My total rating is a solid 8/10.

@Cassiopeia

As for Kotake…

Likes:

  • I think it's really cool that they share an ability. Like, that's really really cool.

  • I like how he seems to be in a bit of a conflict with his shy, anxious but extroverted nature. As a shy, anxious but extroverted person, I relate on a spiritual level honestly.

  • Again, like Konno, I like the balance of his ability and the simplicity of the design.

Dislikes:

Again, I'm having trouble finding things I dislike, but here a couple things I notice/was a bit confused about.

  • This has nothing to do with the Kotake himself, but why didn't their parents hear Konno out? Was it simply because they refused to accept what she believed? Is there another reason for that? Just a bit confused on that part.

  • Since Kotake understood how Konno felt, listening but not agreeing with her. why did she run away for the reason 'Nobody listened'? Would it be more accurate to say that she ran away because nobody agreed with her or felt the same way? Just a thought.

Overall, Kotake is a very good character. I like him a lot from your description alone, it's just a couple elements of his relationship with Konno that confuse me. Overall, I'd rate him a 9.5/10! :)

@LeafyLemur

Thank you so much for the critique! I realized a few of these myself but I was rushing to finish them, so I just… didn't… elaborate…. :P Your critique was amazing and I can definitely see how I can clear up a few things, again thanks! So, you said you wanted a critique on your character? :)

(just so you know i dunno how good my critique will be… so just bear with me….)

(I also gtg for a bit so….. ye :P)

Deleted user

I have one that Im still working on. i really want someone to review her. can you help?

@Cassiopeia

Okay, first of all, I LOVE this character. I think he's very interesting and well-rounded. While I was reading through his bio, I never would have guessed he is/was an assassin until I got the end of the profile, and boy was that a neat little surprise! Jumping right in from there, though…

Likes-

  • I love how you didn't let the fact that he is an assassin define who he was as a character, so instead of a dark, brooding edgy guy you get a sweet, lovable character. I LOVE those sorts of characters that sort of break the mold.

  • I also like how you even included what his bedroom looked like, sometimes those sorts of things can really paint a better picture of what the character is like based on their style.

  • I thought the 'Tea 09;00, 11;00, 14;00 and 19;00' thing was hilarious. I laughed out loud as I read that, as a creature of habit myself, I relate.

Dislikes-

This is where it gets a bit hard, because this bio is very in-depth and detailed. I love almost everything about it. However, here are a couple things I found myself disliking or a bit confused by.

  • I was lost in the 'History' section, where it mentions; 'his first assignment was to take out Lincoln's parents, but he wasn't aware there was a kid. Couldn't kill him, so took him home and raised him.' While this is very sweet, I'm lost by it because I'm assuming that Lincoln was aware his parents were dead, but didn't know that it was Jaden who killed them. (Correct me if I'm wrong! ^^;;)

  • I don't understand why Lincoln would willingly go with a stranger after his parents were murdered/went missing. Or why he wouldn't suspect Jaden even a little bit. (I have a nine year old sibling, I can tell you that they are, for the most part very perceptive, remember things down to the smallest detail and are in fact very smart.)

  • On that note, is there a reason not mentioned as to why Jaden has such a soft spot for kids? Is it because of family, an event in his past, simply because he too was a child once, or had his childhood stolen from him? I could be just nitpicking here, but I would have loved to see a bit more explanation for that. Especially since keeping the boy alive at all was a huge risk considering that at any moment, he could run away and tell the authorities about his 'captor'.

There were just a couple confusing aspects, but overall, I would rate Jaden a 9/10. I love this guy so much–

(Also, Moderate brown, a bit lighter than 'typical' mexican skincolours (if you can think of a way to describe this better, please tell me)

I think I have an idea of the color you're trying to convey. Here are some words to try;

'Sun-kissed'
'Honey/Medium beige'
'Rose beige'

(But these are romanticized descriptions, some simpler alternatives are…)

'Tawny'
'Fawn'
'Almond'
'Sand/Sandstone')

Hope all this has helped you! Have a good day :)

@Cassiopeia

@PiperAnneli Alrighty! I'll just jump right in, since I have a lot to say here!

Likes– I tried to find as many good points as possible, but this character file seems to be incomplete.

  • I like her role in the story, as the mentor of the people rising up to replace her dead comrades. It's sad and makes me feel for her.

  • I like the way you describe the way she looks, also that hair sounds amazing.

Dislikes–

  • You give little to no description as to why she has an eyepatch. I dunno why, but it really bothers me. My guess is that she got it from the 'Failed Mission' you mentioned in the 'Nature' section, but it would have been nice to have a bit more explanation. Speaking of the 'Nature' section….

  • Motivations: she wants to help the kids that now have the mission she failed at. for her lost former companions.
    That isn't exactly a motive??? It only explains what she wants. Why does she want to help them? Does she do it for revenge? Does she just want the fulfillment of knowing that these kids completed what her comrades couldn't? Try exploring this idea a bit more.

  • Personality type: SASSY! sassy and creative
    Sassy isn't a personality, and neither is creative. Those are personality traits, yes, but not exactly a personality in of themselves. (Try exploring your characters' personality a bit more with these websites: https://www.16personalities.com/ https://www.psychologyjunkie.com/)

  • Politics: none. (she doesn't care)
    The fact that she doesn't care about politics tells me one thing about her. She does have political view on things, and that is not caring about politics, and possibly that she's really oblivious and doesn't pay attention. Politics is just how she views the way people are running things.

  • Favorite possession: a sliver dagger (redacted) gave her.
    Why are you hiding facts on a character bio? This is purely for your reference while writing, you don't need to hide facts within your own notebook.

Overall, I'd rate this character a 4/10. It has potential, but it really needs work.

Deleted user

thanks! i know it needs a lot of work! the reason that you don't know who gave her that dagger is because i don't have a name for that character yet. thanks again.

@Cassiopeia

@Lightningclaw13 Alright! I've looked over Mina's profile, so let's jump in and start with her, shall we?

Likes–

  • I like the idea of the whole shapeshifting demon thing, that's pretty cool and could open the door for a bunch of cool opportunities within your story.

  • I also like how she's flirty and how she uses her shapeshifting skills to her advantage when trying to pry things out of people.

  • Overall, this character seems like she'd make a good villan.

Dislikes–

  • You seem to imply throughout the profile that she can only change the way her skin, hair, eyes and arms look. I don't know if this is accurate at all, but if so, why not take it a step further? What if she could change into the form of a human or an animal? Of course, this is ultimately up to you, but for this demon to be limited in how she can change seems a bit foreign to me. (I come from a religious background, so that could be why. Heh… :'D)

  • This character seems… Very obsessed with this 'Tristan' character. Even her profile is just littered with his name. Of course, that could very well be the point, seeing as he created her and all. But even so, it does seem like her entire world revolves around this guy. Which, depending on how you execute it and what you're trying to portray, could be a good or bad thing. But doesn't she have motivations of her own? Aspirations, past troubles…? Something that doesn't involve him? Of course, just like the last one, this could be the point.

That's really all I could find wrong with her. Overall, I'd rate Mina a 8/10, she could use a bit more polish, and maybe a bit less as a novelty to Tristan, and more of her own character.

@Cassiopeia

@Lightningclaw13 And as for Xylas….

Likes–

  • Okay, firstly. I love that xe likes to learn about human nature, that's actually really interesting, and not quite what you'd expect from a demon. (As mentioned on another review, I love characters that break the mold.)

  • Again, the shapeshifting demon thing: I am a fan hon :D

  • A demon that teaches demon culture? That's actually really original and interesting. I like that.

Dislikes–

  • This is me speaking more as an artist than a writer, but the art provided in this profile is good, but the colors are a bit distracting. Try making the colors more subdued, it'll help leaps and bounds!

  • A lot of the information in their bio seems to be… conflicting? In the 'Social' section it says that Tristan is their enemy, but in the 'Background' section within 'History', it says the following: "Xe plans a lot as well, helping Tristan."
    It's being used in the present tense, so I would assume that this is current. But is xe helping or hindering this guy? Unless xe's trying to 'Kill 'em with kindness'?

Overall, I enjoy this character, but some areas seem a bit conflicting. I'd rate them a solid 8/10. With some polish, this could be a very interesting anti-hero! :D

@sharkfinn_ey

Okay, first of all, I LOVE this character. I think he's very interesting and well-rounded. While I was reading through his bio, I never would have guessed he is/was an assassin until I got the end of the profile, and boy was that a neat little surprise! Jumping right in from there, though…

Likes-

  • I love how you didn't let the fact that he is an assassin define who he was as a character, so instead of a dark, brooding edgy guy you get a sweet, lovable character. I LOVE those sorts of characters that sort of break the mold.

  • I also like how you even included what his bedroom looked like, sometimes those sorts of things can really paint a better picture of what the character is like based on their style.

  • I thought the 'Tea 09;00, 11;00, 14;00 and 19;00' thing was hilarious. I laughed out loud as I read that, as a creature of habit myself, I relate.

Dislikes-

This is where it gets a bit hard, because this bio is very in-depth and detailed. I love almost everything about it. However, here are a couple things I found myself disliking or a bit confused by.

  • I was lost in the 'History' section, where it mentions; 'his first assignment was to take out Lincoln's parents, but he wasn't aware there was a kid. Couldn't kill him, so took him home and raised him.' While this is very sweet, I'm lost by it because I'm assuming that Lincoln was aware his parents were dead, but didn't know that it was Jaden who killed them. (Correct me if I'm wrong! ^^;;)

  • I don't understand why Lincoln would willingly go with a stranger after his parents were murdered/went missing. Or why he wouldn't suspect Jaden even a little bit. (I have a nine year old sibling, I can tell you that they are, for the most part very perceptive, remember things down to the smallest detail and are in fact very smart.)

  • On that note, is there a reason not mentioned as to why Jaden has such a soft spot for kids? Is it because of family, an event in his past, simply because he too was a child once, or had his childhood stolen from him? I could be just nitpicking here, but I would have loved to see a bit more explanation for that. Especially since keeping the boy alive at all was a huge risk considering that at any moment, he could run away and tell the authorities about his 'captor'.

There were just a couple confusing aspects, but overall, I would rate Jaden a 9/10. I love this guy so much–

(Also, Moderate brown, a bit lighter than 'typical' mexican skincolours (if you can think of a way to describe this better, please tell me)

I think I have an idea of the color you're trying to convey. Here are some words to try;

'Sun-kissed'
'Honey/Medium beige'
'Rose beige'

(But these are romanticized descriptions, some simpler alternatives are…)

'Tawny'
'Fawn'
'Almond'
'Sand/Sandstone')

Hope all this has helped you! Have a good day :)

Thank you for looking at him! I'll try to asnwer as clearly as possible haha.
Lincoln did know it was Jaden, but went with him because he was in terrible need of someone to actually look after him. He didn't see it happen. Lincolns parents neglected him and Jaden finally gave him the attention he craved.
He was a bit scared, of course, but there were no threats or warning signs Jaden would ever harm him.

Jaden probably has a soft spot for kids because of his little cousin, that died in a car crash (she was around the same age Lincoln was). He was close with her before he went away to 'work' and as devastated when he heard she died.

I hoped that cleared things up, thanks again!

@Lightningclaw13 group

Thank you! I'll try and clear up some things.

Mina
  • I have it like that because that's what most people would expect, for demons to be able to change into different things. With only those certain things she can change, she has to get more creative to hide her true identity. (I also come from a religious background, it's fine lol)
  • That is the point. Some things might change later on though.
Xylas
  • This is gonna annoy me if I don't say it. Xylas isn't a "he", but goes by "xe" or "they". I'm not trying to be mean or anything, just saying that that's how the character is. Sorry if I sound mean or rude.
  • If your talking about the alternate colors, everything but the green haired version, they're only examples of xyr color changing ability.
  • Ok, this is my bad. Xe does help him but during the story xe leaves him.

Again, thank you so much! I'm surprised you rated them so high.

@Cassiopeia

@Lightningclaw13 Okay! Sorry for all the misunderstandings, especially on the pronouns bit, I'll go back up and edit it! I have a bit of trouble getting in the groove with pronouns. I'll try to avoid this in the future! ^^
And it isn't any problem, the characters are really interesting!

@Lightningclaw13 group

@0mg-Cholestrol It's alright! Even I mess up my own characters pronouns when I'm just speaking about them to someone though it's mainly Xylas.

Also, just asking, would you mind if I sent a couple (2 or 3) more characters? It's totally fine if you don't want me to, I just like your style of critique!