forum Give me your child for InSpEcTiOn!! (closed)

Started April 15, 2020 by Caboose

tune

Yeah I'm just gonna critique em to be quite honest with you.

Could you take a look at my character? He's about half-finished.

Could you check my babe? Dakota Jaye Royal
I think the only thing still being worked on is their political stuff, but I'd like to know if there's anything else that could use some clening up!

Would you please critique Nick?

If you could review this character I'd really appreciate it.

May you check out my lovable child, Maddie? She doesn't really have many prejudice or political opinion because of her age and the world she is in.

Could you critique Evie? Evie Alcippe

You made a big mistake my dude

Hello is was wondering if you could inspect this child

Could you take a look at my character? He's about half-finished.

So Sasha, honestly forgot that this was also a guys name but that's not really an issue.
I like the type of character he is. He's kind of like the inspiring stoic/ stubborn leader who's only purpose is made by those around him. By himself he's just an archer who keeps to himself. But with people to lead he has purpose. I reckon you could do plot points where he's forced to do something he doesn't fully agree with, it could make the others distrust him a little. Make him question his morality, whether or not he should start to have one. Like is he responsible for something the king tells him to do? Does he get a choice? Will it threaten the one thing keeping him going? The people around him.
I have a character similar to this where he is built to be a slave/weapon. He's treated as a person but overall has no rights and must do what his king tells him to do. When he gains more life experiences he realises what he's missing out on and decides to not be contempt with his life.
Overall this kind of character can work very well if you test him. Good work so far keep going.

Could you take a look at my character? He's about half-finished.

So Sasha, honestly forgot that this was also a guys name but that's not really an issue.
I like the type of character he is. He's kind of like the inspiring stoic/ stubborn leader who's only purpose is made by those around him. By himself he's just an archer who keeps to himself. But with people to lead he has purpose. I reckon you could do plot points where he's forced to do something he doesn't fully agree with, it could make the others distrust him a little. Make him question his morality, whether or not he should start to have one. Like is he responsible for something the king tells him to do? Does he get a choice? Will it threaten the one thing keeping him going? The people around him.
I have a character similar to this where he is built to be a slave/weapon. He's treated as a person but overall has no rights and must do what his king tells him to do. When he gains more life experiences he realises what he's missing out on and decides to not be contempt with his life.
Overall this kind of character can work very well if you test him. Good work so far keep going.

Thanks! I'll definitely keep that in mind when developing the plot further (It's not very far along atm…). This was very helpful :)

Could you check my babe? Dakota Jaye Royal
I think the only thing still being worked on is their political stuff, but I'd like to know if there's anything else that could use some clening up!

I honestly reckon your character is done here no need for anything political unless that is a major part in your story, like they have an opinion that will adversly affects others or vice versa, adding politics to a character just for topical opinions like just comments can have a negative effect on your character. There is a lot you could do with this mad lad tho.

I like the Dexter/Dean from iron giant vibe. I say Dean only in the slightest way. As in the loner who has several projects to themselves type. Like I reckon Dakota could have a farmhouse filled with old tools and items they've repaired. They (just to make an income) could fix up old objects for neighbours for a small fee, you could have that neighbour thank them, not knowing Dakota's past and Dakota could say something fake or just brush them off like "Thanks for the payment". They could also have vintage items for just artistic purposes.

I also say Dexter because this person could definitely kill someone and just brush it off. You could also look at Sloane from Hold the Dark. He's an excellent example of someone who doesn't care about killing.

I also imagined a scene where a character could be confronting them calmly but Dakota is on edge but doesn't hint at it, they're just tinkering with something. The conversation is less of an argument and more of a discussion. You could build tension between them and have that tension go from 30-100 when Dakota reveals that they've been tinkering with an old six shooter. Dakota will do this out of suspicion of the character visiting. (Don't have to just a fun idea)

You could also have Dakota develop by letting out lil snippets of emotion over time, getting friendly with a particular character. They could grow to care for someone (not saying it has to be romance) but like a sibling. Or hell just someone who they spent time with who gets them and respects them.
Overall I think your character is a great launch pad for how they explore themselves over the course of whatever plot you choose to write. They get a "You lil Beaudy out of 5"

Would you please critique Nick?

"Nick, as a shortened version of his name" Ahh yes otherwise known as a Nickname.
Another side note. "Slither Puff" Bruh I'ma call the school board on your ass.
I think is a very well put together character. I think if you go into more detail about his friendships and why he associates with people and how he does could work to your advantage.
You could have a moment where another character is falling apart and questioning everything and Nick is the only person within venting radius. Nick could maybe relate to the situation and without telling that person his story, his advice could be what he wishes he had done in his situation.

Overall very interesting character with interesting flaws for him to overcome. I give it "J.K. Rowling said you're parents are gay out of 10 slitherpuffs. Real talk it's a good score.

Thanks very much! I'll take your advice into consideration, I'm so glad you liked them, and you had some great ideas!

Would you please critique Nick?

"Nick, as a shortened version of his name" Ahh yes otherwise known as a Nickname.
Another side note. "Slither Puff" Bruh I'ma call the school board on your ass.
I think is a very well put together character. I think if you go into more detail about his friendships and why he associates with people and how he does could work to your advantage.
You could have a moment where another character is falling apart and questioning everything and Nick is the only person within venting radius. Nick could maybe relate to the situation and without telling that person his story, his advice could be what he wishes he had done in his situation.

Overall very interesting character with interesting flaws for him to overcome. I give it "J.K. Rowling said you're parents are gay out of 10 slitherpuffs. Real talk it's a good score.

Omg hahahaha thanks that was actually really helpful

If you could review this character I'd really appreciate it.

Okay… *cracks knuckles last nerd for today.
Lets see here. Oear… *Attempts pronunciation settles on Oh-Ear.
Okay I usually skip right away to nature, social and backstory cause lets face it those are the most important parts I don't really care if anyone said their character was skinny, but they're height and weight says otherwise, it's a simple google.
First thing. So pleasure slave obviously dang harsh backstory. For inspiration I thought you could look at the butler. It's a Forest Whitaker movie about a boy who was a slave who then grows up to be a free man during the black rights movement. Could be good inspiration.
Wait you said pleasure slave right? So why does he get castrated? That doesn't make any sense. If he was castrated before becoming a pleasure slave then he would never become one.
Yes you can argue that you don't need all your bits to have fun but you need to consider that the slave owners are dickheads and only want intact goods. So either consider a different line of work for him but if it's necessary for the character here's an idea. He could castrate himself as a way to rebel, since he's only ever been used for the pleasure of others. Or he could sabotage himself, like if he gets in enough trouble he gets castrated so he intentionally causes trouble.
Then you free him.
If none of that works for you you'd probably have to bite the bullet and describe the nature of his pleasure slavery in the notes, so people understand why he was castrated at a young age and why he was able to be a pleasure slave.
I understand that Oear has trouble opening up but if he is to lead a slave revolution, he's gotta have a story to tell someone at some point. Unless he's one of those mysterious leaders that's just one of them and shows by example which can work great.
Also go into more detail about the slave revolution, is it something more political like the black rights movement? Or is it a bloody war for freedom? I think either could work fantastically for your character. I think if it's more bloody, you could have a scene with about his first kill. I have no ideas since I don't know a whole lot about your world. Also does he return to his lover at all? Is that a point of motivation for him? Are there any ethical problems to a slave revolution? (I know,) but I mean do they become better or worse than their masters or seek a peaceful life through certain means. You could even have Oear make a tough decision breaking a moral code he set out to uphold. Like Nelson Mandela turning to terrorism after the Sharpeville massacre.
I think your character is insanely interesting and works for a variety of themes and paths you could tell with his background and overall arc.

okay 4 more… I got this.

So first thing I always do is skip right ahead to nature and holy shit.
Conditions: Is able to see and hear the dead!
I think your character is only lacking in one aspect. Detail. Now I know this is just a character profile system so it's okay to just have a single sentence to get to the point.
But it helps for the critics to get more detail, like how do you plan to use some of these aspects of Maddie?
What kind of world setting is this? If you say fantasy kingdom I'ma be surprised.
What's the nature of her connection to the dead? Will it be like the Sixth sense where at first it's horrifying for the little boy or is Maddie immune to that and just sees normal people rather than what the corpse looks like.
Does her connection to the afterlife lead to another insane power that we cannot possibly fathom?
Also I think the Puppy Effect (term I made up just now cause I'm a pretentious film student) could be perfect. It's where you have an adult story, where the main character deals with serious issues but the small child (removed from the situation either by sheer innocence or wasn't there) provides emotional healing by sheer presence, like petting a puppy after a shit day.)
I dunno who your main character is, or if Maddie's older sister is the main or not. Point is I think after a difficult moment in your plot, Maddie's sister at the moment only needs to hug her.

So first thing I always do is skip right ahead to nature and holy shit.
Conditions: Is able to see and hear the dead!
I think your character is only lacking in one aspect. Detail. Now I know this is just a character profile system so it's okay to just have a single sentence to get to the point.
But it helps for the critics to get more detail, like how do you plan to use some of these aspects of Maddie?
What kind of world setting is this? If you say fantasy kingdom I'ma be surprised.
What's the nature of her connection to the dead? Will it be like the Sixth sense where at first it's horrifying for the little boy or is Maddie immune to that and just sees normal people rather than what the corpse looks like.
Does her connection to the afterlife lead to another insane power that we cannot possibly fathom?
Also I think the Puppy Effect (term I made up just now cause I'm a pretentious film student) could be perfect. It's where you have an adult story, where the main character deals with serious issues but the small child (removed from the situation either by sheer innocence or wasn't there) provides emotional healing by sheer presence, like petting a puppy after a shit day.)
I dunno who your main character is, or if Maddie's older sister is the main or not. Point is I think after a difficult moment in your plot, Maddie's sister at the moment only needs to hug her.

I have more answers for the whole "hear and talk to the dead thing" that I haven't put in and need to.
I definitely have Maddie being the Puppy in the Puppy Effect.

NEXT!
Evie

Motivations= motherly instinct, very nice.
She's very good at self sacrifice,
for Conditions "just broken" despite me just saying a tonne of stuff about detail this one is good (ha ha relate-able) it goes with her personality. Dunno if your fantasy world has therapy or anything but due to her personality she doesn't self diagnose herself with anxiety like you said but she's also never been to therapy, so there is a whole host of symptoms we see but are never stated.
Holy fuck just reading this character is like looking in a mirror except for the gardening and dying hair thing. I reckon one of the things they can struggle with is basic human interaction. (Damn this hurts) But think of it as them messing up due to their negative thoughts and doing things that unintentionally blow up in their face. For when Evie sees a bad situation, she should have the pessimistic view for herself. But for friends it's honest moral support.
Also lemme know how this person fits into your story, what is their role? Their arc?
So obviously very well done, since I directly see myself in this person, needs more detail tho.

You made a big mistake my dude

The only mistake here is named Clementine.

Okay for real I'ma start reading now. Okay first thing, it's not a good idea to put her in charge of anything but she is in charge? Is her arc her stepping up to become a good leader. You haven't told us why she gets to lead or why she's in charge. Is it like Harry Potter where he's only in charge because people choose to support him?
I think a sense of her bond with animals and people is necessary to understand her better. Also who is she leading? You should utilize the notes section and just blast it with ideas you have and reasons for the things you've put here.
Overall pretty good character, is definitely a work in progress tho, so keep on going.

Hello is was wondering if you could inspect this child

Lucky last
Me: *shows Graeco tiny scar on my knuckle: Yeah I got that from a bear.

So he wants the best for his world but at the same time he's self centered. I think you could do a lot here if you haven't worked out a story.
So for sad story his ego could blind him and leave him and his cause in the dust
for two happy stories. 1: He could learn to put his plans, his mission and people before his ego and use sheer fucking will to get the job done and become a successful ruler. 2: He could realise his flaws are too great and step down but suggest someone who could take his place, taking the first step to becoming a humble, well meaning man.

Okay the last 4 of you wrote short ones so I probs coulda done them a lot sooner but hey I'm a critic of my word and the final collective verdict is…
Git good scrubs.
For real bloody fantastic work and remember, throwing in detail never killed anyone. It just made the process a little longer.

So first thing I always do is skip right ahead to nature and holy shit.
Conditions: Is able to see and hear the dead!
I think your character is only lacking in one aspect. Detail. Now I know this is just a character profile system so it's okay to just have a single sentence to get to the point.
But it helps for the critics to get more detail, like how do you plan to use some of these aspects of Maddie?
What kind of world setting is this? If you say fantasy kingdom I'ma be surprised.
What's the nature of her connection to the dead? Will it be like the Sixth sense where at first it's horrifying for the little boy or is Maddie immune to that and just sees normal people rather than what the corpse looks like.
Does her connection to the afterlife lead to another insane power that we cannot possibly fathom?
Also I think the Puppy Effect (term I made up just now cause I'm a pretentious film student) could be perfect. It's where you have an adult story, where the main character deals with serious issues but the small child (removed from the situation either by sheer innocence or wasn't there) provides emotional healing by sheer presence, like petting a puppy after a shit day.)
I dunno who your main character is, or if Maddie's older sister is the main or not. Point is I think after a difficult moment in your plot, Maddie's sister at the moment only needs to hug her.

I have more answers for the whole "hear and talk to the dead thing" that I haven't put in and need to.
I definitely have Maddie being the Puppy in the Puppy Effect.

Sith lord laugh* Gooooooddd use the child. Make them cry.

Hiya! I know this is closed but if you would inspect my girl it would mean the world to me! :))