forum Critique my first two chapters (I added Chapter 3)
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I walked through the great open sahara, my fluffy paws making small footprints in the sand. I was a Mongoose, a small creature, indeed, but I still ate poisonous cobras. All I could see is rock and sand for miles, a dead bush every now and then. It might seem like a sad, desolate wasteland to you, but to me, it’s home. My ruffled fur blew in the warm winds as the warm sun set. A bird flew by, it’s wings flapping to create a lift. All was good with my life, and I wanted to keep it that way. I was never a thrill seeker. I wanted my life to be simple. And my life was simple. Just sleep, play, hunt, eat, repeat. That’s all I wanted, that’s all I got. I was looking for something, a snake. I sniffed around, looking for the slithery reptile.Then…found it!! A King Cobra, It perked up and hissed, and we stared at each other for a while. I was the first one to make a move, I lept up and grabbed it by the neck, and bit down hard. The cobra whipped me with it’s tail and made me let go. It was tired already, so I tried to swat it down, but it bit my paw. I lept over its head and attacked from behind. Bite, swat, scratch, dodge, bite, swat ,scratch, dodge. Eventually, the snake tired out. I bit the snake again, and dinner was served. It actually tasted pretty good, compared to mice and sand. Yep, when times were tough, I ate sand. Now let’s not talk about that again. After dinner, I went to bed. The sun would rise in a couple hours anyways, and I needed to be ready, I would go on another hunt at sunset.

When I woke up, the little bit of wind blowing into my borrow felt different, it felt abnormally cold. I peeked my head out of the hole, and the sahara was even more empty then it was before, and the sound of birds had disappeared. The smells of mice, and even humans were gone. I had no idea what had happened, all I knew was that it was bad. I sniffed around even more, hoping that I could smell some kind of life, but I couldn’t. Everything was gone. My simple life, snakes, even the little dead bushes that I would sometimes play with. It was just sand and me. These were desperate times, I put my snout down into the sand, and ate it. It was gross, but it was either that, or starve. Sand was better then starving, so there we go. What is it that humans say…ummmmm…oh! I had to pick my poison, and that was eating dirty sand. I kept walking, hoping to see some sort of dead bush or even a bug. As I kept walking, I realised the sun was bluish looking. I shook it off and kept going. I, honestly, was scared. Every foot I walked my heart beat a little faster, and my stomach turned a little more. Not because of bloody stuff,

Deleted user

actaully, there was none. It was the fact that everything was gone except me. Then, realised something…A cockroach! It crawled on the sand and even went into a small borrow of it’s own! I dug up the borrow and…there was a whole nest of them! I slurped up a couple dozen and left. Maybe, just maybe, all wasn’t lost.

Deleted user

And, if I critique it, are you going to take it as an adult, or have a temper tantrum because it's not perfect?

Just don't want a repeat of last time.

Deleted user

Yes, I'm gonna take it like an adult, it won't be a repeat of last time.

Deleted user

I am actaully writing chapter 3 and watching this thread at the same time

Deleted user

I like the first few sentences. you have nice descriptions.
Change "all I could see is rock and sand for miles" to 'all I could see was rock and sand for miles."

My ruffled fur blew in the warm winds as the warm sun set

See how you have 'warm' twice? I suggest only using it once in a sentence. So we could change this to "my ruffled fur blew in the warm winds as the orange sun set."

"It’s wings flapping to create a lift" should be "its wings flapping to create a lift."

I was looking for something, a snake.

How about instead, we just do "I was looking for a snake" or "I was looking for something for dinner, maybe a snake."

Then…found it!!

Should be "Then, I found it!!"

A King Cobra, It perked up and hissed, and we stared at each other for a while.

I'd say put an exclamation point after Cobra; See how "A King Cobra! It perked up and hissed" adds more suspense and excitement than "A King Cobra, it perked up and hissed."

"I was the first one to make a move, I lept up and grabbed it by the neck, and bit down hard."

"And grabbed it by the neck, and bit down hard" is a little repetitive. How about "I lept up and grabbed it by the neck, biting down hard" instead?

The cobra whipped me with it’s tail and made me let go. It was tired already, so I tried to swat it down, but it bit my paw. I lept over its head and attacked from behind. Bite, swat, scratch, dodge, bite, swat ,scratch, dodge. Eventually, the snake tired out. I bit the snake again, and dinner was served.

I love this^^! I think it's very well written. Good job!

It actually tasted pretty good, compared to mice and sand. Yep, when times were tough, I ate sand.

Be sure to do a bit of research and make sure this is true.

Now let’s not talk about that again.

This is an unnecessary sentence. It takes away from the main story. I'd suggest cutting this one out.

After dinner, I went to bed.

Do Mongooses have little beds to sleep in? No :)! How about instead you describe where the mongoose goes to sleep? Like, do they go behind a big rock? In a bush?

The sun would rise in a couple hours anyways, and I needed to be ready, I would go on another hunt at sunset.

Do you mean sunrise?

When I woke up, the little bit of wind blowing into my borrow felt different, it felt abnormally cold.

Let's change this to "When I woke up, the little bit of wind blowing into my borrow felt different and abnormally cold."

I peeked my head out of the hole, and the Sahara was even more empty then it was before, and the sound of birds had disappeared.

Again, let's try not to be repetitive. How about "I peeked my head out of the hole, and the Sahara was even more empty then it was before. The sound of birds had disappeared.

The smells of mice, and even humans were gone. I had no idea what had happened, all I knew was that it was bad.

Let's do a semicolon after 'happened:' "I had no idea what had happened: All I knew was that it was bad."

I sniffed around even more, hoping that I could smell some kind of life, but I couldn’t. Everything was gone. My simple life, snakes, even the little dead bushes that I would sometimes play with. It was just sand and me.

Yes!! Description!!!! Beautiful!!!!!

These were desperate times, I put my snout down into the sand, and ate it. It was gross, but it was either that, or starve. Sand was better then starving, so there we go.

Love it! I would suggest getting rid of the "so there we go."

What is it that humans say…ummmmm…oh! I had to pick my poison, and that was eating dirty sand. I kept walking, hoping to see some sort of dead bush or even a bug. As I kept walking, I realised the sun was bluish looking. I shook it off and kept going. I, honestly, was scared. Every foot I walked my heart beat a little faster, and my stomach turned a little more.

We don't need commas around 'honestly.'

Not because of bloody stuff, actaully,

It's spelled 'actually.'

there was none. It was the fact that everything was gone except me. Then, realised something…A cockroach!

Maybe try 'noticed' instead of 'realized.'

It crawled on the sand and even went into a small borrow of it’s own! I dug up the borrow and…there was a whole nest of them! I slurped up a couple dozen and left. Maybe, just maybe, all wasn’t lost.

I love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's my advice. I edit a lot of writing, so most of my critiques were grammar things. I think you have a good story going. Great job!

Deleted user

Thank you! I'll be sure to make most/all of the things you listed!

Deleted user

I walked through the great open sahara, my fluffy paws making small footprints in the sand. I was a Mongoose, a small creature, indeed, but I still ate poisonous cobras. All I could see is rock and sand for miles, a dead bush every now and then. It might seem like a sad, desolate wasteland to you, but to me, it’s home. My ruffled fur blew in the warm winds as the orange sun set. A bird flew by, its wings flapping to create a lift. All was good with my life, and I wanted to keep it that way. I was never a thrill seeker. I wanted my life to be simple. And my life was simple. Just sleep, play, hunt, eat, repeat. That’s all I wanted, that’s all I got. I was looking for dinner, maybe a snake. I sniffed around, looking for the slithery reptile.Then, found it!! A King Cobra! It perked up and hissed, and we stared at each other for a while. I was the first one to make a move, I lept up and grabbed it by the neck, and bit down. The cobra whipped me with it’s tail and made me let go. It was tired already, so I tried to swat it down, but it bit my paw. I lept over its head and attacked from behind. Bite, swat, scratch, dodge, bite, swat ,scratch, dodge. Eventually, the snake tired out. I bit the snake again, and dinner was served. It actually tasted pretty good, compared to mice and sand. Yep, when times were tough, I ate sand. After dinner, I went to sleep in my little hole. The sun would rise in a couple hours anyways, and I needed to be ready, I would go on another hunt at sunrise.

When I woke up, the little bit of wind blowing into my borrow felt different and abnormally cold. I peeked my head out of the hole, and the sahara was even more empty then it was before. The sound of birds had disappeared. The smells of mice, and even humans were gone. I had no idea what had happened: all I knew was that it was bad. I sniffed around even more, hoping that I could smell some kind of life, but I couldn’t. Everything was gone. My simple life, snakes, even the little dead bushes that I would sometimes play with. It was just sand and me. These were desperate times, I put my snout down into the sand, and ate it. It was gross, but it was either that, or starve. Sand was better then starving. What is it that humans say…ummmmm…oh! I had to pick my poison, and that was eating dirty sand. I kept walking, hoping to see some sort of dead bush or even a bug. As I kept walking, I realised the sun was bluish looking. I shook it off and kept going. I, honestly was scared. Every foot I walked my heart beat a little faster, and my stomach turned a little more. Not because of dead stuff, actually, there was none. It was the fact that everything was gone except me. Then, noticed something…A cockroach! It crawled on the sand and even went into a small borrow of its own! I dug up the borrow and…there was a whole nest of them! I slurped up a couple dozen and left. Maybe, just maybe, all wasn’t lost.

Deleted user

Here I have chapter 3…
I walked, and walked, until, I saw something else. A strange creature with large ears strutted across the sand. It was somehow smaller than me and had a bushy tail. It was clearly hungry. I watched it, was it like me? Or was it mean or evil? It was too late now, it looked at me, and soon came bounding over. I closed my eyes, I folded my ears back, and then…”Hiya there, I’m Pepper!” Why could I understand this creature? I managed to squeeze out “Hello.”. Pepper jumped up with excitement “Wowee!” You can understand me!” “I can understand you too!” I didn’t know what to think. I opened my eyes. It was kind of cute. Pepper leaped up again and shouted “What’s your name?” I didn’t have one, honestly. So that’s what I said. Pepper stood still for a second…then, “I’m gonna call you Growl, because that’s what it sounds like when you talk.” I was o.k with that, even though there was a part of me that wanted to throw this thing out of existence, I didn’t. Pepper looked up at me. “I’m a Fennec Fox, what about you?” I looked down at it. “Mongoose.” She leaped up “Wow! You fight snakes, dont’cha?”I nodded. Pepper’s eyes lit up. “Can you teach me!?” She shouted. “Well, I can’t now.” I joked. Pepper took this way too seriously. She hollered out “Why not!?” Did she not know that everything was gone? I told her everything, she interrupted quite a few times, but was mostly behaved. By the end, she was already half asleep. I picked her up, and carried her back to my den, I fell asleep fast, tomorrow would be crazy.

Deleted user

(I actually have a Fennec Fox doll right here)

Deleted user

(I'm totally not doing this just to keep this post at the top)