forum critique my boi? and critique in return?

Started November 26, 2018 by @Snowmirror

tune

I've written for him for NaNoWriMo, but I'd like any critique! A lot of the universe isn't filled out yet but eh his personality is the most important to me. If you give a critique that is, say, over a sentence, I'll critique one of your characters in return if you give the link!

Edit: I'm adding another character to the list so that there are ~options~

@Snowmirror I tried to click the link but it says I don't have permission to view the character. Did you set it to "public" first? You can do that by clicking the "Share" button, (It looks like three dots connected by two lines and it's one of the buttons next to the edit button on the character page) a popup will appear where you can then set the character from "private" to "public".

I'm terrible at explaining things sorry

https://www.notebook.ai/plan/characters/649741#! See if this works?

It's working!

@Snowmirror Ok, I'm still learning how to properly critique a character, but I'll try my best:
First off, I absolutely love his character and the way you wrote about him. He feels to me like a real person and I can safely say he's not a Gary Stu or anything like that. The main thing that bugged me though is with his backstory, I had to read it a few times just to understand what was happening. I would give tips on how to fix this but I struggle with backstories myself and have no idea how to make them seem more readable. (I know, I'm so helpful) I don't really have much else to say, his personality is great, the backstory may be confusing to read but it's really good nonetheless, and I would totally read a novel based off of him. Again, I'm still learning though, so there may be an obvious flaw I'm missing somewhere, but I doubt it.

Thank you very much! I'll keep that in mind with his backstory and when I go on to write the others. Like I said in the first post of this thread, I'm willing to also critique in return if you want!

Alright, I already know all of my characters need more work and that a lot of them are Mary Sues, and I'm trying to work on them as much as I can. (Turns out it's hard fixing the Fairy Tail fan characters I made years ago along with my best friend's self-insert character she made in maybe 10 minutes into actual decent characters with their own personalities, backstories, and flaws) Akira is my main character so she probably needs the most attention, but Rikuto is my favorite and Luna is the least developed and most in need of help, so I'll just link all of them and you can pick one if you want.

Akira: Aquila
Rikuto: Fallon
Luna: Lyra
Luna's weapons: (It has a bit of information about her as well) Invalid Item

Sounds interesting! It's always fun to hang on to older characters and see how they can grow with your writing, so I'll give 'em a go! Just a heads up, I do pretty long critiques. I used to do them a lot more but I ran out of stamina OTL
Akira

• She has a good base I would say, falling into a naive and innocent sort of trope. This is totally fine, but what makes a lot of characters memorable is their ability to break tropes. Right now, she's basically a child in a sixteen-year-old's body. A way to spice this up might be to change some things around. For example, she could still be naive and soft-hearted and gullible, but maybe she isn't temperamental and impatient. Maybe she's actually really well spoken but has a sheltered and optimistic view of things. If you take away a temperamental nature, she still retains that childlike attitude, but also shows that she is a teenager, not a child, and is, therefore, growing in ways that separate her from that disposition. Maybe write down that she's determined. She's pursuing being a producer in EDM and that takes skill, dedication, determination, and an indomitable willpower. After all, it's not easy. So if she had a trait that can help her rather than tossing a baby to the wolves, that can really help her shine as a character. I think it's key that when you write her you avoid any infantilizing of her character. She's nearly a grown woman and by the end of her story, she should probably lose most if not all the traits that make her so childish. It can be difficult to sympathize with characters that act younger than their age or fall for the same trick because they're gullible, so as long as she doesn't stay static she should do pretty well! Also, as an outsider, I don't really understand where being an angel plays into her personality. Does it affect her in any way? Give her a sense of superiority? A sense of otherness?

Rikuto

• I find coupling nervousness with ferocity and aimlessness really odd. As a naturally nervous person myself, being aimless is terrifying. Solid goals with solid plans are desired by nervous people because it means less room for error and mess ups. Being fierce is also really hard when you're so nervous it's put under flaw. Mind you, if he was just pragmatic or cautious, that would be a different story. But putting nervous under flaws implies that is a hindrance to his character and to those who want to get to know him. It can work, nearly everything can work if you try hard enough, but for him I would say try something else. Either he's nervous or he's reckless. He's rebellious but anxious about the future and losing people. These conflict. One would think that if his greatest motivation is not losing the people around him then he would keep to a tight system to protect himself so he in turn can always protect the people he loves. And maybe some other talents? I mean, just fighting? It's cute that you ship him and Akira, but right now they have nothing in common. I mean sure, they both read comics, adorable, but what is really going to bind those two together? Millions of people read comics, it's not a rare or even interesting hobby. Hell, I read comics. So why would a nervous rebel fall for a gullible child? I can't tell whether or not Rikuto is reckless, but if he isn't, if he's cautious, then the childish air that Akira has would definitely be a turn off, I think. Overall, he could use more fleshing out from just the fighting type. Give him things that humanize him, he shouldn't be a walking weapon.

Luna

• She hits some of the similar beats of Rikuto by being nervous. For a group dynamic this can be a pretty bad thing, so I suggest make one or the other nervous. Both will hold the group back a fair bit, I think. Part of the problem of her being a Mary Sue (your words, not mine, because I don't think she is one) is that you saved her motivation for last. She's still in development, which is fine, but motivation should be the first thing you develop in a character. Motivation and history shape personality much easier than jumping into a personality first. For example, in Naruto, Naruto himself is motivated by becoming hokage and his backstory includes him being bullied and ostracized by his community. This motivation and backstory made his personality. He's loud and he acts out because he wants attention, good or bad, because he is a sad and lonely child. His determination and stubbornness are born from having a lofty goal of basically becoming the next Mr. President. You have Luna's past, a tragic one, so if you give her a motivation you will see a personality naturally bloom forward. As it stands, stating that she's paranoid and nervous as flaws give little basis for her character. What is she nervous of? What gives her paranoia? What does she fear? Over-emotional and softhearted are pretty good flaws. Maybe she's a naturally weak-willed person. That's fine. But characters are culminations of motivation and history, and I think that's where you will find her personality just waiting to burst forward.
  Hope this helped!

@Snowmirror Thank you so much! Just a question, how do I properly describe a character's personality? You seemed to be pretty good at it and Rikuto's personality makes so much more sense in my head than it does on paper.

Oh and I would try to give Luna a motivation but since she's already somewhat dead and all her dreams are in the past I'm not sure how I'm supposed to do it. Any tips/ideas?

Hmm, when I describe personality I just think of it in two parts. What are the good things? Charismatic, proud, take-charge attitude. What are the bad things? Easily jealous, loud, intimidating. I spruce it up with some words in between so that they're sentences, not a list, and bam, it evens out to just about paragraph length. Think of your character in the most objective view possible, the literal facts about who they are, not who you or they or anyone else thinks they are, and then write it out. If you can summarize a book, you can summarize a character. After all, when looking for publishing, it's important to be able to summarize both these things.

As for Luna's motivation, give her something that pertains to/drives the plot. That way her character will always have a reason to be around because she's motivated to give a resolution to whatever conflict is going on. When I wrote Tierik, it was important that his motivation wasn't 'to become king' or 'to be the best necromancer out there' because those had nothing to do with the plot. Sure, they motivate him, but they aren't the driving force of WHY this story needs to be told with these characters. Motivations should start at page 1 and end with the story so the character is constantly engaged.

If you still want someone to critique your character let me know. i would be more than happy to but i just wanted to ask seeing as someone has already given you feedback.

If you still wanna critique him, go for it!

I'm supposed to be writing an essay right now so sounds like a good time for me to do literally anything else!!!!

Looks-
I'd like to start out with you're probably the first person I've critiqued who's done a more detailed description of the character's appearance???? Though you are missing the weight, we still got a bit of reasons as to why he's got a bodily build like that, and a quick answer to the scar in the appearance! The Looks are often difficult to critique because I can't say "hmm don't like his eye color" or anything, but as far as I'm concerned you did a pretty decent job describing his appearance. Another thing I'm thinking is if you could explain the Irkallan race. What does the average Irkallan look like? What are their capabilities? What are they known for? And other details like this could give insight to his character.

Nature-
I totally relate to the mannerisms; though it made me realize how little I thought about tiny things my characters do when interacting with others or even when they are alone. As an aspiring animator, it helps me to know that my character might twitch his nose when he tells a lie or walks a certain way when he's in a specific mood, so I understand the need to describe mannerisms. Under motivations, you don't necessarily have to do this, but it might help to give a quick word to explain who Irkalla, Ruka, and Vetriel are and why he has those goals for them. Under flaws, I really like this! I mean, as much as one can like character flaws, I'm glad you're able to go in depth and give him more than a few harmless flaws! I like the mention of his worldview, that is definitely a vital part of creating a character, so it would help to have his entire worldview developed. As far as I'm concerned, I don't think his personality conflicts with his flaws either, so good job with that! I notice the hobbies and talents are missing, so I'm curious what they might be for him.

Social-
Back to explaining the Irkallans, same goes for the Irkallan faith. Is it a religious faith? Is it monotheistic? Polytheistic? Something else? I myself am creating a religion or two for my characters, but I have a tendency to pull from the ideas of Greek/Roman religion, as the people in my story have tendencies similar to ancient greek times. Under the favorites, kudos for giving some background to his favorites! It unlocks a few little facts about your character you might not have realized at first and it really does give more background.

History-
Hey this is too good for me I'm 100% interested I'm too blown away by it to properly critique it but I will try my best uhhh first of all i would die for Tsubaki okay So who sent Ruka? The story implies he wasn't entirely aware of what he was doing so I'm curious as to why he did it in the first place. Second why does Ralmalia have this magic? My understanding is that the angels gave it to him? What provoked that? That's all I can come up with but dude I love this???? big thank

@AloeVera Avoiding essays is a big mood u_u But thank you so much for this, it's an amazing critique!! I'll definitely think about everything you've put here! As far as Ruka goes, his past is explained in his own page because those are things that Tierik doesn't know. But I will definitely expand on Ralmalia and give the Irkallans their own page! Is there any character you would like me to critique in return?

Ah sounds good I really like what you've got! Also oh gee I'd love for that, thank you.

I'll give you two characters because I'm hoping for a relentless critique on this one boi but there haven't been very many critiques on him that really improved much so I can give you a hardmode boi and a regular mode girl haha

Hardmode: Christian Jean White
Regular: Myst Blaire

@"Aloe Vera" Got it, hopefully my critiques can help!
Jean White

• If his whole character is all about self benefit, I'm kind of curious what motivates him particularly in your story. What keeps him attached to the plot, or does the story just follow him around? It's kind of hard to see where Jean's emotions come into play. You say that he internalizes those emotions and that he does have them, but I think I'd like to know what these suppressed emotions actually are and where they come out, outside of his anger, which is well established. What's domestic for him? For politics, America isn't exactly a 'politic' itself. It's a country. Whether or not people are stupid is irrelevant of America's politics and government. What does he actually feel about a representative democracy? Does he want to change it? It's true that people can vote for messed up people to be in office, but how does their vote make them more stupid in what he deals with? How do their politics make it easier for him to manipulate them? His history is really good, though, and I feel for him! You've really customized the categories for him though, it's so impressive! Definitely a hard mode critique u_u

I'll critique Myst tomorrow because I'm running a little busy, but she looks exciting!

this is such a good critique omg i'm crying thank you so much???????? I super appreciate this it's really going to help me significantly develop him

Hello! So, here's my review of Tierik Skarsgard.

I read his backstory first before checking his personality. His backstory is striking! I was originally worried that I was barely going to understand anything (since I'm new to critiquing characters on this site), but I was pleasantly surprised to find Tierik's (and Ralmalia's) history to not only be easy to understand, but also impactful. Ralmalia's story with Tsubaki would be tragically beautiful to see once it's written out, and I wonder about the possible ways this could reflect on Tierik's and Ruka's own story.

Tierik's personality also seems surprisingly complex, which I liked very much. Not much contradictions to critique. I want to ask for a clarification, though. It says that he likes helping people and being a 'paragon of goodness,' but also doesn't like 'working towards development' and prefers to simplify complex issues. I can see this reflecting in his flawed leadership. It also speaks of some self-centered nature to me, in some way. I end up thinking that this might be a guy who doesn't like dealing with complicated stuff like 'being wrong' and 'grey moralities that contrast with his black-and-white POV.' This kind of guy might seem like he's only helping people because some (small?) part of him likes the praise and good rep that comes with it. I know there must be another reason, though, which is why I'd really like a clarification: does selflessness outweigh his selfishness, or the other way around? Is there a balance? Am I reading too deeply into this?

Overall, very interesting character! You've given him room for growth through his flaws (especially the fact that he has prejudices and also that he doesn't like complex issues), so you've set a good path for him to tread. By the way, I'd love to see art of him, since he sounds gorgeous.

@"Aloe Vera" Finally onto Myst!

• What do you mean 'she's smooth' in mannerisms? Like, relaxed? Also, she's confident and not uncomfortable around strangers, but super jumpy regardless. It seems a bit odd together. If she fears being disrespectful, she's not all that confident in her ability to be respectful in the first place, so what is she confident about? I really like her motivation, I think that it's super cool she's taking it into her own hands. If she's afraid of fights, why start verbal arguments and risk it at all? To be honest, I don't see Myst having all that much charisma as a leader. Her flaws include her being jumpy, which totally breaks the immersion of someone being a powerful and stable figure to look up to. Look at world leaders. Any sign of weakness they show must be eliminated, hence why FDR was never seen in his wheelchair if he could help it. Jumpiness speaks more to insecurity, though I'm aware it's something she can't help considering the environment she grew up in. Interesting that she still believes in monarchy and that she can be the sole ruler for it. How does she feel about a constitutional monarchy? Do you think her heightened need for power could also be listed as a flaw, and do followers see her as power hungry or is she good at hiding this? Overall, I'd say she was just as tough to critique as Jean!

@degdeg Thank you so much! I'm very proud of the history I wrote tbh haha. I think Tierik is naturally selfless, he just doesn't see the problem with simplifying things if that makes sense? In his eyes, things don't need to be complex and he'd much rather have a quickly solved problem so everyone can go back to being happy. But you're not reading too deep, it's a good line of questioning! I'd love to see him drawn too haha I'm not much of a drawer tho. If you want me to critique a character of yours in return, let me know!

I. Would. LOVE TO READ THIS!

Ahhhh thank you so much for these two! They're gonna help so much tbh

@Keeja Thank you!! It's still a WIP ^.^
@Aloe Vera no problem!!