forum This doesn't sound right?

Started Aug 18 by @FictionWriter09 group

tune

Hi all, I'm having trouble making this sound right. For some reason it just sounds awkward particularly the second and the third sentence. I'm trying to describe that the nurse places the baby in his arms and than her father's thoughts after. But to me it reads that the father thinks the nurse is beautiful? Read below:

Delilah Nicole Mitchell is born on a snowy spring night at 6 lbs 8 oz, screaming her arrival to the cold, bright world. Maverick gingerly grasped the bundle of blankets the nurse placed in his arms, instinctively bringing her closer to his chest. She's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen—red-faced, her tiny limbs flailing as she attempts to burrow into him.

To me, it seems indistinct. You’re not giving the baby a tangible presence in the story, so it sounds more like the narrative barely notices the child and is just about the father and nurse. The perspective is also unclear because it’s switching too fast (first sentence is third-person. Second sentence is father’s perspective. Third sentence is unclear because of the lack of context created by using ‘she’ as the noun).

Some possible ways to fix this is rewriting the second sentence. Probably the simplest way is splitting it into two sentences to help change perspective smoother (the first part becoming a sentence of the nurse handing over the baby. The second part becoming the dad taking the baby and looking down at her). Also, instead of ‘she’ in the third sentence, put ‘the baby’ or ‘baby girl’ or something like that that gives Sentence 3 a more contextual noun to focus on instead of ‘she’. Otherwise, Sentence 3 will never know who it is actually talking about (the nurse or the baby).

Also, you are switching from past to present tense. Sentence 2 is past tense. Sentence 3 is present tense. You can’t really mix those tenses, except in special cases. So, you’ll have to either stick to past tense or present tense. Either way, sticking to just one tense will greatly help with making sense of the situation.

If you do want to use both though (such as the action of the dad taking the baby, and then actively showing his thoughts), you’ll have to make two paragraphs and possibly something like italics for the thoughts to specifically indicate the difference between the actions of the scene and the dad’s thoughts about it. Also, doing this will actually allow you to keep ‘she’ in Sentence 3, because distinguishing the actions from the dad’s thoughts allows for proper context, especially if you indicate the dad looking at the baby before thinking about her.

If you need examples of what I’m trying to say, just let me know. Otherwise, I hope this helps!

Hi @Serpentess thank you so much. I definitely need some examples. This first chapter is really not about Delilah, but her father's sorta of mental process and state leading up to and after her birth considering he himself lost his parents very young (This is the same Maverick from Top gun) My goal is to show that while he is not in a good head space or prepared he does love his daughter

Also I'm struggling to recognize the tense changes you mentioned

You’re welcome! Alrighty. That makes sense, but you can still keep Maverick as the MC while also giving Delilah a presence. It’s just a matter of wording, like what I was saying about ‘she’ in Sentence 3. ‘She’ is a vague word, so it needs direction from the previous sentence(s) to give the proper context. Sentence 2 currently doesn’t give a clear enough distinction to let the reader know who ‘she’ is, so it becomes confusing as to whether Maverick is lovingly looking at his daughter or admiring the nurse while completely ignoring his daughter.

For the tenses bit, past tense is an action that has already happened, while present tense is something that is happening. Sentence 2 has words such as grasped and placed. Those are the past tense version of those words, because they’ve already happened. Since they are the primary verbs of the sentence, it makes the entire thing basically past tense. However, Sentence 3 has She’s and he’s. The way the sentence is structured, she’s could be either past or present tense (‘she was’ or ‘she is’ respectively). But, because of he’s (which can only be ‘he has’), it makes the sentence present tense because “she was/is the most beautiful thing he has ever seen” is still present tense no matter the outcome. If you change he’s to he’d, it would become past tense (“he has” to “he had”). Also, attempts is the present tense version of the word (“attempted” is the past tense).

Example 1
Delilah Nicole Mitchell was born on a snowy spring night at 6 lbs 8 oz, screaming her arrival to the cold, bright world. After wrapping Delilah in a bundle of blankets, the nurse handed her over to Maverick. He gingerly took her from the nurse, instinctively bringing her closer to his chest as he looked down at her. She was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen—red-faced, her tiny limbs flailing as she attempted to burrow into him.

(This example splits Sentence 2 and changes everything to past tense. It also clearly indicates where the baby is and who Maverick is thinking about. For more distinction with the tenses in Sentence 3, I also turned She’s to She was to clearly indicate which tense it’s supposed to be. She’s can still be used, as it’s still correct wording, but it’s slightly easier to understand the tense by distinguishing it. Also, I missed this initially, but Sentence 1 was present tense because of the “is” in it. Turning it to “was” makes it past tense so it matches)

Example 2
Delilah Nicole Mitchell was born on a snowy spring night at 6 lbs 8 oz, screaming her arrival to the cold, bright world. After wrapping Delilah in a bundle of blankets, the nurse handed her over to Maverick. He gingerly took her from the nurse, instinctively bringing her closer to his chest as he looked down at her.

She is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen—red-faced, her tiny limbs flailing as she attempts to burrow into me.

(This example is an alternate of Example 1, with two paragraphs and a distinction between actions and thoughts. Though, I did accidentally forget to mention that introducing actual thoughts means changing the thoughts to first-person)

Example 3

Delilah Nicole Mitchell is born on a snowy spring night at 6 lbs 8 oz, screaming her arrival to the cold, bright world. The nurse wraps Delilah in a bundle of blankets and holds her out to Maverick. He gingerly grasps her, looking down at her as he instinctively brings her closer to his chest.

She is the most beautiful thing he's ever seen—red-faced, her tiny limbs flailing as she attempts to burrow into him. He could hold her in his arms forever and be happy.

(This example is completely present tense as a comparison to the other examples. Because of the present tense, changing the perspective between Sentences 2 and 3 becomes slightly more jarring, so I made it into a second paragraph to smooth the transition from actions to thoughts. I also turned She’s to She is as a better distinction between tenses like in the other examples. I also added the very last sentence to kind of better illustrate how Paragraph 2 is thought-driven compared to the action-driven Paragraph 1, though you can, obviously, discard it if you wish, lol)

Hey, @Serpentess sorry for the late reply and thank you so much.

So I gave it my best shot I also added the next section and wanted some advice. It comes off as quite alot packed in but trying to show how Mav's upbringing or rather lack of is effecting his emotions right now

Delilah Nicole Mitchell is born on a snowy spring night at 6 lbs 8 oz, screaming her arrival to the cold, bright world.

The nurse wrapped the babe in a bundle of blankets and held her out to Maverick. He gingerly grasped the bundle, instinctively bringing it closer to his chest as he gazed down at his daughter in awe. Red-faced, her tiny limbs flailing as she squirmed closer to him—'She's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen.' And the thought terrified him-hit him with the force of mach 10.

His own father died overseas when Pete was three, but even before that Duke Mitchell was more myth than man due to his service in the navy. His death only furthered the myth becoming more of an omen given the toll it took on the Mitchell family. Pete's mother overnight had become a widowed single mother and soul provider at a time when women's rights were still be fought over, add that to trying to demand answers from the navy only to be blocked at every turn drained the life out of Lorraine Mitchell, the woman becoming a shell of her former self until the day Pete came home to find her lying in a pool of her own blood. After that Pete bounced from foster home to foster home some good, others not so good-in truth it leaned more to the latter, til finally he was able to join the Navy and follow his dad's footsteps. At least, that was until they learned who his father was and it was finally dropped in his lap what fate had befell his father. They didn't realize however, it only served to push Pete, to fly faster, fly harder, fly better. It was also during this time he'd met Goose and later Carole who showed him what a real family could be.

But now he was somehow expected to be a father to this perfect little girl?

"Oh Pete, she's just precious." Carole cooed

No worries. And, you’re welcome!

The first part looks pretty good. Though, this part~ “-hit him with the force of mach 10.” is a bit redundant.

Though, the next part, mainly the big paragraph, has a lot of grammatical errors, some weird sentences structures, and should probably be chopped into 2-3 paragraphs ideally. It’s hard to read as it is now.

The last two paragraphs have minor punctuation errors, but that’s it.

Grammatical Errors

• “His own father died” sounds more present tense (Or it’s a past tense vs past particle situation, which can easily get confusing. I honestly hate past particles because of this lol). To make better sense, add “had”.
  Like this~ “His own father had died”
• “Soul provider” needs to be “Sole provider”
• “furthered the myth becoming” needs a comma between “myth” and “becoming”
  Like this~ “furthered the myth, becoming”
• Ideally “Pete's mother” should be the start of a new paragraph since it’s taking about his mother now instead of father.
• Commas around “overnight”. Makes it a little easier to read as it acknowledges the inevitable ‘pause for effect’.
• ”rights were still be fought” is incorrect. “Be” needs to be “Being”.
  Like this~ “rights were still being fought”
• “fought over, add that” needs a sentence break.
  Like this~ “fought over. Add that”.
• “navy only to be blocked at every turn drained” needs commas in front of “navy” and “turn” because it’s a break in the sentence where you have the cause and effect theme.
  Like this~ “navy, only to be blocked at every turn, drained“
• “After that Pete” needs a comma between “that” and “Pete”. It should also be another paragraph start, as it changes the subject again. This sentence also needs a comma and a sentence split as it is very confusing visually as it is now.
  Something like this~ “home, some good, others not so good. In truth”
• “til” needs an apostrophe at the front.
  Like this~ “ ‘til “
• “Befell” should probably be “befallen”. It’s definitely a past tense vs past particle situation. But, because you have “had” before it, I believe the past particle “befallen” is the correct one.
• “realize however, it only served” can be changed to “realize however that it only served” to make it flow smoother.
• In this “Pete, to fly faster, fly harder, fly better” the first comma is unnecessary. Also, if you wanted to, you could take out the second and third “fly” to make it sound smoother/faster. But, it’s more a style decision than anything.
  Like this~ “Pete to fly faster, fly harder, fly better”
  Alternate example~ “Pete to fly faster, harder, better”
• “Goose and later Carole” needs commas around “and later”
  Like this “Goose, and later, Carole”
• “But now he” needs a comma after “But”
  Like this~ “But, now he”
• Last sentence needs a period at the end

Example Fix

… And the thought terrified him.

His own father had died overseas when Pete was three, but even before that Duke Mitchell was more myth than man due to his service in the navy. His death only furthered the myth, becoming more of an omen given the toll it took on the Mitchell family.

Pete's mother, overnight, had become a widowed single mother and sole provider at a time when women's rights were still being fought over. Add that to trying to demand answers from the navy, only to be blocked at every turn, drained the life out of Lorraine Mitchell, the woman becoming a shell of her former self until the day Pete came home to find her lying in a pool of her own blood.

After that, Pete bounced from foster home to foster home, some good, others not so good. In truth, it leaned more to the latter, ‘til finally he was able to join the Navy and follow his dad's footsteps. At least, that was until they learned who his father was and it was finally dropped in his lap what fate had befallen his father. They didn't realize however that it only served to push Pete to fly faster, fly harder, fly better. It was also during this time he'd met Goose, and later, Carole who showed him what a real family could be.

But, now he was somehow expected to be a father to this perfect little girl?

"Oh Pete, she's just precious." Carole cooed.

Overall, about the only issues here was just grammatical. It’s otherwise going good.