I've been writing this story for a while and was looking for a fresh pair of eyes on it. It's currently 18 pages and 4 chapters long. I feel like I've been struggling to find the correct facial expressions and tone of voice. Also as of the last chapter, I've been trying to figure out where to take the story in the immediate future.
Here's a link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1XKE5EPRepmifMF9zFXhBD8H_KoINZC4vQ1PFUT8lbCw/edit?usp=sharing
Hi Tati! Posting so that I remember to come back to this! Within the first paragraph there are some things that are sticking out. July 31st is Harry Potter’s birthday and headaches are one of his tropes. You could go with the argument of the summer solstice, but… unless it is absolutely crucial to the storyline - I would change it.
Do you have any recommendations for other days. Here is the criteria: has to be towards the end of summer. Also, the headache thing is crucial to the plot.
I'm not trying to bug you, but it would be great if someone could critique my story thus far. I've written a fair amount since I last posted. The link is in my initial post.
Sure! Things just got a little swamped with work, but I’ll take a look!
Also, I'm not sure if I'm just overthinking it, but it feels like I use said too often. (Dialogue tags in general). Any advice. Wrong place to ack? You might want to read it first before answering the question, btw.
BTW: If you comment anytime on March 2nd, there is a highly unlikely chance I'll see it. And possibly on the 3rd too. Thanks.
Can you change viewing settings to add comments? That way I give you a better critique.
I changed it about an hour ago. I made you able to comment. BTW, the questions/ comments I made are free for you to answer. Thanks!
By the way, if you comment on my story here tomorrow, I probably won't see it.
Okay, I’m pretty busy so it might be a bit. But also, how in depth of a critique do you want? And how many chapters? Bc realistically I probably won’t be able to tackle more than two right now.
Do as much as you can. No rush, I've been writing this story for like eight months now and it's 22 pages long. I'd like general thoughts & grammar/stylistic input. Even just responses to things I've commented about already. Again, take as long as you want. I don't add to it too often. Thanks!
It's an intriguing premise with some strong themes, I would actually recommend continuing to write until you reach the end of the story and then worry about style and literary techniques during the first edit.
But if you insist, the reason I say "write the whole thing out first" is because I get the feeling that I'm reading personal 'pins' or notes of an author's thought process, like scribbles in the margins that say "reminder, this is Ally's motivation"—which I think is completely fine for getting the first draft done. So I'm afraid that if I advise something like "this can be better if it's written as more subtle, so try to show and not tell by finding details in the environment or the body language that are more telling" then you might go back instead of onwards and get caught up in rewriting specific lines that the story as a whole never actually gets done (which is generally and advisibly more important to the earlier part of a write-and-publish process)—so, right now, filling out the plot arcs until the story's conclusion might be more important and beneficial than polish.
If you'd like to notice body language and expressions more, some emotions can also be strongly felt in the body, like shoulders tensing with rage—or a frown of regret—or shortness of breath and lack of blood supply at the finger tips in response to trauma, even if the sufferer logically knows that it was years ago and that they should look strong or recovered.
If it weren't so soon after 2020, I would've advised sitting somewhere to do some people watching and play "match the mannerisms" to the emotions or motives. There would usually not be a polite way to check that your guess was correct, but even having a guess is I think good exercise. I hope this helps.
Elly, could you give me a couple of examples of emotions/body language in writing, because I think the reason I default to telling is that I don't really know what it looks like when it's done right. I always feel as though I do it really poorly. I've been writing this story to improve at writing. I wanted to get it on paper because it's something that's been in my head for like 4ish years and I know the characters really well.
For example, I added the following line during the conversation on page 21/22 and I know what I want it to look/sound like but I'm unsure how to covey that.
Here's the line (Ally says it btw): “If they really were trying to protect me, then I wouldn’t have been stuck living here in this god awful place for twelve years with you,”
In my head, I imagine this with her arms shaking, her voice quavering with rage and sorrow, part of her wishing she could have made it all happen. Can the reader tell any of that from the words alone? Thanks.
It's all right if your style is more introspective. So, for example I think it was in Chapter 3 that:
So, there's a lot being communicated that is not a part of the dialogue tags because of the way that they are interacting, and that makes it a good scene.
The scene that you're asking about:
So the next two lines don't have to continue the pattern of body language, dialogue, action, dialogue. I know some readers who don't like that because it makes the characters seem fidgety, or they notice the literary technique as glaring, so to them reading that pattern starts to feel fake. Sort of like how my 10th grade English literature teacher…didn't tell us that exclamation points or interrobangs were not allowed, but she did warn us that they were cheesy. A dialogue tag other than 'said' can also be glaring. Similarly, some readers think that body language is cheesy, but I think they're a good way to add subtext to what the characters are speaking out loud. There's a place for dialogue tags other than 'said', and there's a place for interrobangs and exclamation points. So to continue the scene:
Samantha: I knew that you were angry with me after finding out, but I didn’t realize you took it out on them. They didn’t deserve that. They were only looking out for you.”
Ally: If they really were trying to protect me, then I wouldn’t have been stuck living here in this god awful place for twelve years with you,”
There are many ways that Samantha can say that same line, and many ways for Ally to respond with that same line, and many ways that they can influence each other.
Samantha's Set-Up
Samantha could sort of walk around mumbling vaguely, "I knew that you were angry with me after finding out, but I didn't realize you took it out on them. They didn't deserve that, they were only looking out for you…" like it was a long time ago and it can't be fixed anymore, and she's tired of hearing about things she can't fix but she's moved to say something, but she doesn't want to be responsible for what she says, so she moves around skittishly sort of putting things in order that weren't out of order and doing small chores that don't even really need doing.
Or Samantha could be more gentle and emotive. Still with the wry gallows-humor smile, "I knew you were angry with me after finding out, but I didn't realize…" and have her shake her head and look Ally in the eye, "You took it out on them? They didn't deserve that."
Or Samantha could be self-righteous, as though she wants to grab Ally by the shoulders and shake her, so the subtext of that same line is 'What's wrong with you?!??'
So with that lattermost interpretation, Samantha could be standing up and slamming her hand on the table. "I knew you were angry with me after finding out, but I didn't realize you took it out on them." Samantha's voice shook with rage. "They didn't deserve that. Look at me, Ally. They didn't deserve that. Do you understand? They were only looking out for y—I told you to look at me when I am talking to you!"
Ally's Payoff
Depending on how Samantha is acting, Ally can react or respond differently. With a tired Samantha who wants to check out of life, Ally might want to wake Samantha up, hold her accountable, and not let her escape or deflect the impact on Ally's life by mumbling or skittishly doing random chores. Ally can be the one taking the dustcloth away from Samantha's hand, looking her in the eye, and then saying, "If they really were trying to protect me, then I wouldn’t have been stuck living with you."
To the gentle, emotive Samantha, Ally might deliver the same line but more deadpan, sort of like a way to say, 'Don't you dare get even a little bit self-righteous or fake-concerned, because I am dead inside and it's because of you and them.'
For the latter, it might be appropriate for Ally to escalate the violence, like screaming her line in response while pushing nearby furniture upside-down or something.
Or mix-and-match.
The line that you're asking about, I read as deadpan.
I also thought that Chapter 3 was one of my best sections in terms of description/emotional stuff. This helped a lot. I'll comment if I need more help. Thanks!
So, I took some of your suggestions. I used one of your lines and added one of my own. I'm considering ending the chapter after this line but I'm not sold on the idea yet. Do you think it's better than what was there?
Here it is:
Samantha smiled wryly, "I knew you were angry with me after finding out, but I didn't realize…" she shook her head, looking Ally in the eye, “You took it out on them? They didn’t deserve that.”
“No, you did! You’re the one who started the lies. Who kept secrets,” Ally started, running her hand through her hair, “All you do is keep secrets! You perpetuated this lie about yourself for years and despite all the signs staring me in the face I couldn’t see it!” Ally screamed, slamming her hand on the table. Samantha just stood there, blankly, not even blinking an eye.
I'm cheering you on with continuing to write your four-year long passion project! Remember, some kinds of editing do more than spelling or punctuation correction, so it's completely all right to leave pacing or some parts of description to after you're done with the first draft. It might even be better that way, because you get a bird's eye view of which scenes fit better, how character motivation shows, and then how the writing can be adjusted in service to that—So I still say, don't worry too much yet about paragraph-by-paragraph style consistency.