send me ur characters and i'll rate them in haw-speak

so I grew up out 'n the country, out'n the haw like we say. gimmie your chilluns and i'll review em in haw-speak and rate them outta five 'bandoned monster truck tires.

hoo-wee lets getter dun.

@sheabutter

heya buddy ya mind if ya give my man Destrian a gander? Invalid Character

@requiemisback

oh yes pLEASE
here's juniper

@writers_goddamn_block

heya buddy ya mind if ya give my man Destrian a gander?

I reckon not, let's see here then

Aw he's one a' them fancy high-born deb-u-tauntes! I see…
sounds awul purdy fer a bouge-wah
wHat kind of a sweet lil 'ol…. chile is…
well DAMN now we got ourselves a lil ol siblin rivalry hoo-weee
see now, he likes his knives! jus like my sister. she's a bit younger'n eight and she's got all the proper trainin's when seh turns twelve she's gone help us skin some deer when hunt'n season comes round. I like you with yer fancy ol knives.
Vaegseer sounds like somin what come out the womp in the summer when the skeeters get thick as mamma's soup.
there's them fancy 'llusun pawers ya got now. they make um glow all sparkly like?

Okay, okay now to the main event, ratin' mr. Sadon outta five 'bandond monter truck tires.
I'm fixin ta say three outta five but his knifin' skills remind me of my baby sister what just turned eight, so immon gib im a four outta five

@sheabutter

heya buddy ya mind if ya give my man Destrian a gander?

I reckon not, let's see here then

Aw he's one a' them fancy high-born deb-u-tauntes! I see…
sounds awul purdy fer a bouge-wah
wHat kind of a sweet lil 'ol…. chile is…
well DAMN now we got ourselves a lil ol siblin rivalry hoo-weee
see now, he likes his knives! jus like my sister. she's a bit younger'n eight and she's got all the proper trainin's when seh turns twelve she's gone help us skin some deer when hunt'n season comes round. I like you with yer fancy ol knives.
Vaegseer sounds like somin what come out the womp in the summer when the skeeters get thick as mamma's soup.
there's them fancy 'llusun pawers ya got now. they make um glow all sparkly like?

Okay, okay now to the main event, ratin' mr. Sadon outta five 'bandond monter truck tires.
I'm fixin ta say three outta five but his knifin' skills remind me of my baby sister what just turned eight, so immon gib im a four outta five

thank you this is the best thing I've seen all week

@larcenistarsonist

Please take my child Bane

@writers_goddamn_block

oh yes pLEASE
here's juniper

abso-tutely, pardner.

Let's have us a look-see…
Juniper id a right proper name. one'a them fancy ones like they got up in the woods.
a vampire? well shoot, there ain't nothin for that.
Oh he's one'a them purdy lil white boys like what go up to catholic school. I bet he gots a shiny pair a shoes i tell you wHat.
if servin's what he's good at 'n why aint he just been a waiter. i think my auntie june bug had a vampire for a waiter once, she was a very tall woman…. the waiter, not auntie june bug (she's tinier than me 'n I aint bigger 'n a city slickers christmas pine)
It sounds to me like this ol boy could use a junkyard dog. i reckon if he had to take care a that foul-smellin ol rat dog he might just have to spend some time on his own thinkin out his issues. poor thing needs to go down to the nail salon n talk with alla them fancy rich grammas with their loose lips, let em know that he;s sad.
houseboy sounds like what they used to call jimmy vance when he spent his whole summer makin' that big ol paris antennie. the waffle tower.
i think i done saw one'a them nine tales. she was a gnarly lookin critter but she lit up the whole dumpster behind that 711 i tell you wHat.
well now, at least he loves his sister. if she gets married, he's the one what gonna have to shoo drunk uncles from the yard, and tune the radio into the classic rock station at her reception.
The playlist was a nice touch, it looks like something my third cousin claire might listen to (she's one'a them goth types and she likes the screamo metal like that…)
OH Ya almost had me. I almost thought you come up with all this brilliant magic yourself. I think it's nice that you like yer ana-may enough to make a whole vampire about it.

Okay i suppose it's time to rate the young'un
I'll say three outta five 'bandond truck tires.
A'cause i like vampires though points off because he needs to drive himself to therapy in the next town west. also a'cause he goes to catholic school an' I never did like those nasty catholic boys always puttin' their hands on lady's behinds and cursin an fixin the football games.

Selcoeurl

Give this here fella a look-see, if ya would?

@writers_goddamn_block

Please take my child Bane

O-kie day, last one fo' tonight best be a good one.

Oh what a cute little nickname that is, bee like a honeybee. I once met a woman named honeybee at the outlet mall ans she told me she hate my momma a'cause she lived in a stolen winebago.
he sounds far to pretty. are you sure you should let him out in the haw? might break like a fancy china doll
they coulda gotten a skull with a snake comin out the eye fer a tatoo they should get their money back.
yep, he sounds far too sweet to be sittn in the haw. I know fer a fact my neighbor is tannin deer skin so he can make a proper shootn target fer his half neice-in-law so she don't have to shoot beer cans with them rough and tumble boys no more. Yer sweet cheese city boy'd be diggin out ol drunk patty's gutters an her ex husband would mistake him for another one a them neighborhood "gardners"
poor thing
he's such a sweet thing he's like that ol cat lady up near the post office.
I tell you what i do like 'em though.
Oh he's got the street smarts, none a that fancy book learnin' fer him.
he carries a sledge hammer?! did they get it at the home depot, the ace, or the lowe's?
immon say it one last time, this poor chile is too sweet to be ridin; through trailer parks an' them big lawns with the car parts out front, I don't care how invinvible his skin is.

I'm givin' him five outta five truck tires on acounna i love him so much, just please stick to the good parts a town.

@larcenistarsonist

Please take my child Bane

O-kie day, last one fo' tonight best be a good one.

Oh what a cute little nickname that is, bee like a honeybee. I once met a woman named honeybee at the outlet mall ans she told me she hate my momma a'cause she lived in a stolen winebago.
he sounds far to pretty. are you sure you should let him out in the haw? might break like a fancy china doll
they coulda gotten a skull with a snake comin out the eye fer a tatoo they should get their money back.
yep, he sounds far too sweet to be sittn in the haw. I know fer a fact my neighbor is tannin deer skin so he can make a proper shootn target fer his half neice-in-law so she don't have to shoot beer cans with them rough and tumble boys no more. Yer sweet cheese city boy'd be diggin out ol drunk patty's gutters an her ex husband would mistake him for another one a them neighborhood "gardners"
poor thing
he's such a sweet thing he's like that ol cat lady up near the post office.
I tell you what i do like 'em though.
Oh he's got the street smarts, none a that fancy book learnin' fer him.
he carries a sledge hammer?! did they get it at the home depot, the ace, or the lowe's?
immon say it one last time, this poor chile is too sweet to be ridin; through trailer parks an' them big lawns with the car parts out front, I don't care how invinvible his skin is.

I'm givin' him five outta five truck tires on acounna i love him so much, just please stick to the good parts a town.

this-

this is the best thing I've read in forever.

Thank you for gracing me with this.

@trainwreck404

okay i love these and i want to see you take on a villain character so here's madeline

@HighPockets

adfhgdfs I love thissss
Clyde

@writers_goddamn_block

Give this here fella a look-see, if ya would?

Why sure enough

now his name's all fancy, so i'm a'fixen ta call im CJ
alrighty, he looks like one'a them stocky junkyard men an' i'll tell you this, they gots the best job in town but them junkyard boys is meaner n'their gnarly ol dogs. so n'un against our ol boy CJ here but jus be makin sure he don't go inta the scrap-metal industry.
WHELL NOW. we got ourselves another one'a them boys what need ta go down to the VFW next town over and talk to them old men about his mental health! Go find Deaf Poppy, she works'n the save-a-lot n' used to be a WAC, she's always lookin fer somebody to talk with about how the gov'ment ain't done nothin fo' no-body and she'd love to help your boy start on the path to recovery.
I don't think we got a jewish church here in town, we got a catholic one an' a baptist one, but i reckon you've got to go a town over fer a jewish one.
Is- is that
A creative commons attribution non-commercial share-alike 4.0 international license?! Never did think i'd get to see one in person. mighty fine.

Oh well now, suppose we best be ratin' our ol pal CJ
Lesse here
I like his design but them junkyard boys is always cat-callin e're body so im gonna say 4 outta 5 bandoned monster truck tires.

@requiemisback

oh yes pLEASE
here's juniper

abso-tutely, pardner.

Let's have us a look-see…
Juniper id a right proper name. one'a them fancy ones like they got up in the woods.
a vampire? well shoot, there ain't nothin for that.
Oh he's one'a them purdy lil white boys like what go up to catholic school. I bet he gots a shiny pair a shoes i tell you wHat.
if servin's what he's good at 'n why aint he just been a waiter. i think my auntie june bug had a vampire for a waiter once, she was a very tall woman…. the waiter, not auntie june bug (she's tinier than me 'n I aint bigger 'n a city slickers christmas pine)
It sounds to me like this ol boy could use a junkyard dog. i reckon if he had to take care a that foul-smellin ol rat dog he might just have to spend some time on his own thinkin out his issues. poor thing needs to go down to the nail salon n talk with alla them fancy rich grammas with their loose lips, let em know that he;s sad.
houseboy sounds like what they used to call jimmy vance when he spent his whole summer makin' that big ol paris antennie. the waffle tower.
i think i done saw one'a them nine tales. she was a gnarly lookin critter but she lit up the whole dumpster behind that 711 i tell you wHat.
well now, at least he loves his sister. if she gets married, he's the one what gonna have to shoo drunk uncles from the yard, and tune the radio into the classic rock station at her reception.
The playlist was a nice touch, it looks like something my third cousin claire might listen to (she's one'a them goth types and she likes the screamo metal like that…)
OH Ya almost had me. I almost thought you come up with all this brilliant magic yourself. I think it's nice that you like yer ana-may enough to make a whole vampire about it.

Okay i suppose it's time to rate the young'un
I'll say three outta five 'bandond truck tires.
A'cause i like vampires though points off because he needs to drive himself to therapy in the next town west. also a'cause he goes to catholic school an' I never did like those nasty catholic boys always puttin' their hands on lady's behinds and cursin an fixin the football games.

oh my GOD i love this-
and yes he definitely needs therapy. i assure you i'll take him there when i'm able lmao

@writers_goddamn_block

okay i love these and i want to see you take on a villain character so here's madeline

A villain you say? welp let;s take a look-see then
Well! she looks like a mighty purdy girl. like one'a them Ane-may girls, i like them.
Anarchy don't make you a villain, a'cause betty-george works down at the post office ans they're one'a the friendliest people in town. Though, yes she is undeniably a villain.
That must be mighty uncomfortable to walk on your tippy-toes all the time.
is she Arch-enemies with our friend CJ? I reckon they come from different worlds, but i still do wonder…
Why do none a these Chillun' have any fancy book learnin'? Chillun need to go to school an learn that science an' read merican classics like the great gatsby.
Them's some mighty fine inter-net clothes i bet she looks like a dashed up belle ready fer a cotillion.

well now, supposin' it's tiem to rate her.
I thik she looks mighty fine but i'm takin a tire away because ife we actually met she might want to kill me.
so there you have it: 4 outta 5 bandoned monster truck tires!

@writers_goddamn_block

adfhgdfs I love thissss
Clyde

Much obliged darlin'
now let's have a gander.
He's a skinny one, One'a them skinny ones who thinks their tough just a'cause you can't knock em down easy.
one'a them lil rat chillun. I hate them boys. they always play basketball and spit tobacco at you if you try't come close to em.
Alright! Nother small-towner. i have to axe now, has he ever seen a trailer park lady put her babies on leashes so'n she can shoo the possums out the trailer? Does he ever sit with the two drunks behind the seven eleven? ever seen a meth lab explode?
Oh an' he's a sweetheart. That;s quite charming…
he oughtta be gettin himself an ed-u-cation but that's about par fer a haw kid.
Well shoot, he's not quite from the haw, but he's closer n'i'd'a thought.

Welp, suppose it's time to rate this ol boy. I like his hair and he's from the midwest so we're already close in proximity. an though his lil town ain't exactly haw, it's close enough fer me to understand.
so I gib him a four'n'a half outta five bandoned monster truck tires.

@HighPockets

(Haw/Midwest solidarity!!)

Selcoeurl