forum PLEASE HELP ME !

Started August 12, 2020 by Olivia

tune

This is a piece for school literature, in which I had to write a first chapter. Please help me edit :( and think of a title if possible. More than happy to return the favour.

Snow danced along streams of light, choreographed by a tender breath of wind. The frost patiently kissed her skin, chilling her cheeks to a blush red. It was as if the world was transfixed in a liminal place.
The crunch of boots breaking into the pillow of snow destroyed the cloak the landscape wore. Admiring the house before her, Elyse stumbled down the driveway, the wheels of her suitcase sloshing behind her. The house stood lone and gratified, encircled by a white porch which contrasted the pewter weatherboards. She heaved her suitcase up the three stair steps and to the mat scrawled in cursive: Welcome.
Sweeping a gloved hand under the coir doormat, her crimson curls provided a momentary curtain. Having retrieved a key, Elyse unlocked the front door and was instantly welcomed by warmth and the smell of pine as she stepped over the threshold. The ceiling made of polished to perfection timber crept metres above, belittling her small frame. A small woven basket full of bread, jams and purees sat atop the central aged table in the kitchen to her right. Three photos hung linearly on her left, the smiles of a family beaming. Elyse stepped back into the foyer, and gazed the winding staircase before her. The rails were vines crafted by a sculptor’s hand - upstairs, only the hallway was visible. Staggering up the stairs, the staccato clunk of her suitcase filled the vacant space. Despite the disappearing sunlight through a top window floor, her hair was set alight as she struggled, and the flush that stained her cheeks was made more apparent.
Alvin, her boss, had rented this cabin for a month – an odd gesture for an underpaid trainee. Elyse spent most of her days running coffee orders to and from the local café on Braymoor Road. She was never someone to reject a gift, to risk upsetting anyone, so she’d welcomed the all-expenses paid trip without hesitance.
The evening passed quickly as she familiarised herself with the cabin; an ensuite stemmed off the bedroom which was also accessible from the hallway, supposedly for convenience. She’d attempted to to open the door opposite her bedroom, but to no avail. Her only key didn’t fit the lock. A heater replaced the crackling fire, which Elyse felt remorseful about smothering after accomplishing an atypical task for a city girl. As she tucked herself into bed, the silence was unsettling compared to the hum of life she’d grown accustom to.
A shatter pierced the silent veil that had cast itself over the cabin, abruptly ripping Elyse from her sleep. She shot to her feet alert and grabbed the nearest weapon – a lamp, odd yet affective. Creeping out of her room, she paused against the wooden barricades. Listening. Elyse tiptoed stealthy, trying hard to avoid that her cotton covered feet didn’t creak the timber.
As she stepped off the stairs a glean from the kitchen archway caught her eye. Fragmented shards of glass were smashed and scattered along the floor. Edging closer, she discovered the source of the chaos. The third family photo had fallen to the floor, the screw stood a lone soldier. Elyse scanned the room, checking the windows to see if a draft would accept the blame, but all the windows had been locked shut. She scoured the kitchen in search for a broom; it had been tucked behind the door. Placing the remnants of the picture frame on the dining table, Elyse studied the portrait; a couple who stood candidly, holding each other at the hips. Furrowing her brows, she flipped the frame, noting how the image puckered unnaturally in the frame, and pulled out the fasteners holding the backing frame. As she pulled out the picture, a trifold fell open revealing a second man smiling brightly at the camera, who had been obscured from any acknowledgement.
Perplexed, she placed the picture back into its frame and placed the man back into his permanent state of concealment. She finished collecting the glass shards and emptied then into the bin. Having not eaten anything since her arrival, she felt peckish, and fetched the wholemeal loaf from the welcoming basket, taking a slice. As she pushed down the lever to the cyan toaster her hand skimmed the kettle, burning her. Puzzled, she took a mug and filled it - the steam wafted into a cloud before her. Stepping back, she frantically scanned the room, her face the embodiment of fear.
As I watched her return to fumble with the kettle, I think to myself, why did I leave the kettle on?

Hey! Glad to help! I'm going to copy your writing here, and then make my suggestions in italics! ^^

Snow danced along streams of light, choreographed by a tender breath of wind. The frost patiently I'd take this out, unless you add another part to this sentence explaining why the frost is patient ^^ kissed her skin, chilling her cheeks to a blush red. It was as if the world was transfixed in a liminal place. , caught between [insert your description here]. I think this sentence could benefit from some elaboration, but that's also optional ^^

The crunch of boots breaking into the pillow of snow destroyed the cloak the landscape wore, the dead yellow grass poking through the snow where she'd stepped. (If the snow is a light covering. That's the impression I get from this sentence, not sure if it's what you want or not ^^). Admiring the house before her, Elyse stumbled Why is she stumbling? From reading the whole thing, I eventually gather it's because of her suitcase, but make that clear! "Elyse stumbled, her suitcase dragging heavily through the snow behind her, making forward motion difficult" etc down the driveway, the wheels of her suitcase sloshing behind her. The house stood lone and gratified So the house has been pleased? It satisfied a desire? You might be looking for the word 'gratifying', otherwise it doesn't make much sense ^^ Even then, I think there are better word options, encircled by a white porch which contrasted the pewter weatherboards. She heaved her suitcase up the three stair steps and onto the mat, where, scrawled in cursive, the word 'welcome' swirled.

Sweeping a gloved hand under the coir doormat, her crimson curls provided a momentary curtain Over what? Her face? the mat? Make sure this is clear. Having retrieved a key, Elyse unlocked the front door and was instantly welcomed by warmth and the smell of pine as she stepped over the threshold. The A ceiling made of polished to perfection timber crept metres above, belittling dwarfing her small frame. A small woven basket full of bread, jams and purees sat atop the central aged table in the kitchen to her right. Three photos hung linearly on her left, the smiles of a family beaming. Elyse stepped back Back? Did she ever leave it? Make sure you narrate her actions, or everything you just described comes across as what she can see immediately upon entry into the foyer, and gazed the winding staircase before her. The rails were vines crafted by a sculptor’s hand, - and upstairs, only the hallway was visible. Staggering again, clarify why. up the stairs, the staccato clunk of her suitcase filled the vacant space. Despite the disappearing sunlight through a top window floor, As the setting sun cast it's last rays through a high-up window, her hair was set alight as she struggled, and the flush that stained her cheeks was made more apparent.

Alvin, her boss, had rented this cabin for a month – an odd gesture for an underpaid trainee. Elyse spent most of her days running coffee orders to and from the local café on Braymoor Road. She was never someone to reject a gift, afraid to risk upsetting anyone, so she’d welcomed the all-expenses paid trip without hesitance, and a stammered thanks. If she's afraid of upsetting people, she probably would also be afraid of coming across as a opportunist gold-digger, so you can clarify her shock and attempts to come across as massively grateful :)

The evening passed quickly as she familiarised familiarized herself with the cabin; an ensuite * I'm pretty unsure if this is the actual word you want. I could be wrong though, my research only confused me more xD I'd look into it. But either way, there's a space in that word, so it's 'en suite'.* stemmed off the bedroom which was also accessible from the hallway, supposedly for convenience. She’d attempted to to open the door opposite her bedroom, but to no avail. Her only key didn’t fit the lock. A heater replaced the crackling fire, which Elyse felt 'remorseful about smothering after accomplishing an atypical task for a city girl.' This part of the sentence confuses me. what task did she accomplish? It's phrased a little oddly, I would re-write it As she tucked herself into bed, the silence was unsettling compared to the hum of life she’d grown accustom to. Add something about her falling asleep here, otherwise when she gets woken up later, we're confused, because she never fell asleep in the first place :)

A loud shattering sound pierced the silent veil that had cast itself over the cabin, abruptly ripping Elyse from her sleep. She shot to her feet alert and grabbed the nearest weapon – a lamp, odd yet affective effective. Creeping out of her room, she paused against the wooden barricades Wooden barricades? Of what? What's barricaded?. Listening. Elyse tiptoed stealthy, trying hard to avoid that her Not grammatically correct :) You're going to want to say something like "trying to ensure her cotton covered feet didn't creak the timber" cotton covered feet didn’t creak the timber.

As she stepped off the stairs a glean gleam from the kitchen archway caught her eye. Fragmented shards of glass were smashed and scattered along the floor. So, in the first description of the house,the kitchen was to her right, the pictures to her left. Make sure you clarify which way she's looking, and the placement of the objects and her ^^ Edging closer, she discovered the source of the chaos. The third family photo had fallen to the floor, the screw stood a lone soldier. Elyse scanned the room, checking the windows to see if a draft would accept the be to blame, but all the windows had been locked shut. She scoured the kitchen in search for a broom; it had been tucked behind the door. Placing the remnants of the picture frame on the dining table, Elyse studied the portrait; a couple who stood candidly, holding each other at the hips. Furrowing her brows, she flipped the frame, noting how the image puckered unnaturally in the frame, and pulled out the fasteners holding the backing frame. As she pulled out the picture, a trifold fell open revealing a second man smiling brightly at the camera, who had been obscured from any acknowledgement.

Perplexed, she placed the picture back into its frame and placed the man back into his permanent state of concealment. She finished collecting the glass shards and emptied then into the bin. Having not eaten anything since her arrival, she felt peckish, and fetched the wholemeal loaf from the welcoming basket, taking a slice I'd give her a different reason to go into the kitchen. Most people probably don't wake up in the middle of the night, alone in a cabin, having just heard a terrifyingly loud sound and discovering a shattered photo with no culprit, and think 'Huh. Guess I'm hungry tho' xD. As she pushed down the lever to the cyan toaster her hand skimmed the kettle, burning her. Puzzled, she took a mug and filled it - the steam wafted into a cloud before her. Stepping back, she frantically scanned the room, her face the embodiment of fear. Re-iterate here that she did not put the kettle on. Re-iterate that she's alone, and no one else was supposed to be there, heck, maybe go back and mention somewhere earlier in the text about how the kettle was in a different spot when she first got here. This will make this moment more impact for your reader! ^^

As I watched her return to fumble with the kettle, I think to myself, why did I leave the kettle on?

Over all, this is dope, and I really like it! you clearly have a knack for descriptive writing, keep it up! :D