forum I need a critique

Started September 22, 2020 by @Alastor_Radio_Demon group

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Could someone take a look at Leyak Leyak
Please be harsh and thanks in advance.

I don’t see much wrong with your character apart from some mild ableism you probably didn’t even notice! Psychotic actually means she would see and hear things, like schizophrenia or some other form of psychosis. Being psychotic is more harmful to the person themself than anyone else because their delusions may cause them to self harm, abuse drugs in order to self-medicate, or even lead them to suicide among many other nasty things like paranoia and a constant feeling of unreality. This isn’t true for every person who suffers from psychosis, but it was true for my mom until she got help from a genuinely good and understanding doctor who saw her needs and helped her out.

As for split personality disorder (DID or OSDD) please don’t give a villain that unless you yourself have DID or OSDD, it’s a harmful stereotype that people with either condition have “evil personalities”. Sure, you can have grumpy or even aggressive alters, but those have their own place within a system and often end up more of an occasional nuisance to the rest of the system instead of actually harming others. And even then, harm is usually in the form of snappy remarks, evil personalities DON’T EXIST and it’s harmful to pretend that they do.

I’d like to see a better motive for the killings than “for fun”. Take V for Vendetta, V was a proud anarchist who killed not because it was fun but because it was necessary to his cause in an unjust world with a terrible government. I’m not framing anarchy as anything positive or negative here, just giving you an example to add depth also read V for Vendetta it’s so good I love it-

TLDR, ableism is bad and you should learn the terms you use before, well, using them, and also motive is key to a good villain.

Overview:
What does her name mean? Who gave her her nickname/other name? What's the history of her name?

Looks:
Explain the history of a Gemsbok demon. What makes them special from other demons?

Nature:
Liking to cook isn't necessarily a mannerism, it's a hobby. Usually a mannerism is defined by body language and nervous habits.
How did she first find out about the adrenaline rush she gets from killing?
It could help to add a few more flaws. Not only personality-wise, but physically. Being cocky and enjoying power over victims are good flaws to have, but there needs to be more. Sometimes it helps to turn her best traits into flaws as well. She's confident, but cocky too. She has good leadership skills, but she could also tend to be a bit bossy and power-hungry. It's up to you obviously what traits she's given, but it's good to use a character's best traits against them.
Go into more depth in her talents. She's a serial killer, obviously, but explain how she kills. Explain how skilled she is in combat.
Who was Marcy Jacob?

Social:
Why is she atheist? Normally atheists have reasons that they're not religious; trauma from a religious upbringing, unable to answer the "why do bad things happen to good people" question, angry at the religious figure, not exposed to religion growing up, etc.)
If she wants to actively bring down the government, she'll need another reason that other anarchists can get behind.
Why does she like to sing?
Why is her favorite color red? (I presume it's a bit of a given, but it helps to specify regardless)
Why did she take that necklace from her victim? Why is it now her favorite possession? What's so important about the necklace?
Why is a Mahi-Mahi her favorite animal?

History:
Which part did she despise, the name or being born?
Why did she find safety in the knife shop? Was it Mr. Sandford that made her feel safe, and thus by association seeing the knives made her feel safe? Did she feel that she could protect herself since she had a weapon accesible to her?
How did she become famous? How did she earn the nickname? How did she just become a demon? How did she travel the planets as a human? What are the other planets?

Family:
Where and when did she meet Hershey? How attached is she to Hershey?

Notes:
I see you answered the first question, so disregard that one haha

She sounds very fun and interesting, I see a lot of potential with her. Good luck!

I don’t see much wrong with your character apart from some mild ableism you probably didn’t even notice! Psychotic actually means she would see and hear things, like schizophrenia or some other form of psychosis. Being psychotic is more harmful to the person themself than anyone else because their delusions may cause them to self harm, abuse drugs in order to self-medicate, or even lead them to suicide among many other nasty things like paranoia and a constant feeling of unreality. This isn’t true for every person who suffers from psychosis, but it was true for my mom until she got help from a genuinely good and understanding doctor who saw her needs and helped her out.

As for split personality disorder (DID or OSDD) please don’t give a villain that unless you yourself have DID or OSDD, it’s a harmful stereotype that people with either condition have “evil personalities”. Sure, you can have grumpy or even aggressive alters, but those have their own place within a system and often end up more of an occasional nuisance to the rest of the system instead of actually harming others. And even then, harm is usually in the form of snappy remarks, evil personalities DON’T EXIST and it’s harmful to pretend that they do.

I’d like to see a better motive for the killings than “for fun”. Take V for Vendetta, V was a proud anarchist who killed not because it was fun but because it was necessary to his cause in an unjust world with a terrible government. I’m not framing anarchy as anything positive or negative here, just giving you an example to add depth also read V for Vendetta it’s so good I love it-

TLDR, ableism is bad and you should learn the terms you use before, well, using them, and also motive is key to a good villain.

Thank you for your critique @Starlight-Starbright. I appreciate it. I probably should have worded the split personality order better, because she doesn't even have multiple personalities. She just thinks back on her time as The Wandering Death to get herself ready for the kill. She likes to kill because she was abused by almost everyone in her childhood. Her way of exacting revenge is to taunt them and break them before she kills them. Once again, thank you for the critique. I really do appreciate it.

Overview:
What does her name mean? Who gave her her nickname/other name? What's the history of her name?

Looks:
Explain the history of a Gemsbok demon. What makes them special from other demons?

Nature:
Liking to cook isn't necessarily a mannerism, it's a hobby. Usually a mannerism is defined by body language and nervous habits.
How did she first find out about the adrenaline rush she gets from killing?
It could help to add a few more flaws. Not only personality-wise, but physically. Being cocky and enjoying power over victims are good flaws to have, but there needs to be more. Sometimes it helps to turn her best traits into flaws as well. She's confident, but cocky too. She has good leadership skills, but she could also tend to be a bit bossy and power-hungry. It's up to you obviously what traits she's given, but it's good to use a character's best traits against them.
Go into more depth in her talents. She's a serial killer, obviously, but explain how she kills. Explain how skilled she is in combat.
Who was Marcy Jacob?

Social:
Why is she atheist? Normally atheists have reasons that they're not religious; trauma from a religious upbringing, unable to answer the "why do bad things happen to good people" question, angry at the religious figure, not exposed to religion growing up, etc.)
If she wants to actively bring down the government, she'll need another reason that other anarchists can get behind.
Why does she like to sing?
Why is her favorite color red? (I presume it's a bit of a given, but it helps to specify regardless)
Why did she take that necklace from her victim? Why is it now her favorite possession? What's so important about the necklace?
Why is a Mahi-Mahi her favorite animal?

History:
Which part did she despise, the name or being born?
Why did she find safety in the knife shop? Was it Mr. Sandford that made her feel safe, and thus by association seeing the knives made her feel safe? Did she feel that she could protect herself since she had a weapon accesible to her?
How did she become famous? How did she earn the nickname? How did she just become a demon? How did she travel the planets as a human? What are the other planets?

Family:
Where and when did she meet Hershey? How attached is she to Hershey?

Notes:
I see you answered the first question, so disregard that one haha

She sounds very fun and interesting, I see a lot of potential with her. Good luck!

Thank you @AloeVera for the critique. The gemsbok demon doesn't really set her above or below other types of demons, it only alters her appearence. She found killing to be enjoyable when she killed her father. Marcy Jacob is Leyak's human name. A small fragment of Marcy still exists within Leyak, and that fragment is the desire to kill. She is an atheist because the only religion is the Followers of K. She hates this religion because some of the hardcore groups kill innocent people as human sacrifices. She likes to sing because it is the only thing stopping her from killing innocents. I guess it acts sort of like a tether. Her favorite color is red because she likes how it contrasts her blue hair. The necklace is her favorite possession because it was taken from the only female she's ever killed. Mahi-Mahi are her favorite animals because of their grace underwater, as well as their colors. She despises her name because two of her worst tormentors shared the same initials as hers. She found safety in the knife shop because Mr. Sandford was the only adult who was nice to her. He gave her knife training so she could defend herself. She became famous after authorities found her 4th victim strung up on a tree with all the organs scattered in various places around the trunk. She earned the nickname because wherever she went, death followed. All criminals come back as a demon when they die for a redemption of sorts. She traveled the planets on a space bus, which is the slowest means of travel, but also the safest. I can' remember the planets I listed but so far I have Obraxis, Harmonious, 1999, Everest 1932, and Vulcanis. Leyak met Hershey after she became a demon. She was looking for cheap housing on 1999 and found a small puppy in a box. She took it and cared for, naming it Hershey for it's dark brown color. Once again, thank you for the critique. I can't express how much it means to me.

I like the vibe, it's very straight forward. The wording of "She constantly finds herself singing commercial jingles Whitney Houston's voice." was confusing til I read the extras, but since this is just the character profile, as long as you know what's up it's all fine.
She has a theme and sticks to it, I like that. There's also some seeds of other quirks and things that I think could be expanded just a little bit, but other than that, she's a very well rounded character.